IMO, the stuff you wrote about ego-boosting affairs is dead on. I don't know where you get your insights, but you should write a book.
Nothing quite like a compliment from a respected friend to stroke a man's ego. Actually I have been thinking about writing a book for some time. Probably won't be about affairs and rebuilding marriages as I wouldn'd qualify as much of an expert. I have been working on a fiction concept that is kind of a murder/mystery plot about the quarterback getting killed before the superbowl. Suspects are his wife (who had a lesbian affair and left him), a Left wing radio host who was best friends with the opposing teams coach, and an escaped mass murdered who might have been in the area. Got several others too but all are in the formulation stages and all fiction except for an inspirational piece.
As for how we cookies are doing. Pretty well, I think. Although it feels kind of like we're on cruise control. I think we need a date night or something to rev things back up again. I read someone, somewhere on one of these boards write about the "honeymoon phase of recovery" being over for them. Is that a recognized phrase? Or did the poster just make that up? Regardless, that's sort of how I feel right now. As you know, Cookie Monster's response to this whole mess really blew me away, and for awhile it was like being with a whole new person. Now that's beginning to wear off a bit. Is that common, do you know?
Cruise control is a lot better alternative than out of control. I think that happens to just about everybody. Kind of part of the rollercoaster deal that you must endure. The honeymoon part has to be stimulated by some chemical reaction. Usually involved a lot of really good SF and many of the feelings that you had when you first started dating. Then comes the committment part where things level off for a while. We experienced the same thing about 2 months in, kind of blah, blah. I told my wife that it was kind of like when we had been dating long enough that I would occassionally just blast some gas without even leaving the room and niether of us really seemed to even notice. The newness has worn off and reality start setting back in. In some ways this is good, it gives us a chance to catch our breath and smell the new roses (or noxious fumes as they may be). I would encourage you to try to light it back up a little because probably in the near future you will experience the anger/resentment phase. At first, the BS is worried about losing the WS. They make changes to themselves to make them more attractive. Unless the WS is totally in the fog, they have to like what they see. But then it becomes harder for the BS to keep up the act unless it has become habit for them. The BS has now set a new level of expectation. The BS is more confident that the marriage can be salvaged. Then the LB's start slipping back in and often the reality of what happened really sets in...sometimes, maybe even most of the times...the BS starts to get angry or resent what happened. This is a critical part to get through for both of you. CookieMonster needs reassurance and comfort. Make sure you provide that environment for him. Also, try to touch him as often as possible. A brush on the arm, stroke of the hair, pinch on the butt, or just an unexpected peck on the cheek just sends a subtle message to him...I am here, I am yours, I want to stay with you.
Other than that, I'm still struggling with my feelings for him (well documented in my "Recovery Plateau..." thread). But I'm still in the game, working hard to do my part and "love him as a verb".
I'm sure I'll be posting more next week. Take care, and have a good weekend.
--SC
I think you both are doing all the right things. You get my vote as the MB poster child. I have seen so much growth in you personnally since we first talked and still think that you probably underestimate your feelings with regard to CookieMonster. He is a loveable old fart just by how you have described him many times. You have changed your focus from what you didn't like about him to what you truly respect about him. I think that you keep looking for the passionate, adrenlin rushed love to overcome you when you are closing in quickly on finding a intimate passionate love based on mutual respect, friendship and a committment to care for each other. Adrenlin is okay but can only last so long. Too much and it will kill you. Intimacy especially when combined with respect, committment and friendship and honored with radical honesty is a sustainable love that although doesn't give you the goosebumps, it can get better everday.
When you question your true love for CookieMonster, ask yourself...is this someone who I could live without? When you think of love, what feelings do you expect to have that are most important....the tingly, butterflies, the internal comfort and security that you will be cared for...exactly what? I am not trying to be critical at all, I just want to try and understand exactly what the definition of "love" is supposed to be for you and most people. You have got me thinking that maybe I don't/never loved my wife even though we are perfectly happy. Just some crumbs for thought...would like to get your input.
NT
