I was speaking with a friend 2 days ago who has been having terrible problems with her daughter for the past 8 years. She was at school with my son, now 24. They have only recently found out that she was sexually abused from a very young age, but was told that "he" would kill her mother if she ever told anyone. This young woman burried this for years & was in all sorts of drug related problems, maybe for escape. My question is, how & what did you do to help recover from this terrible ordeal, so that I may offer some help to this family. They are now in counselling, but is there anything that helped you?
One of my H last OW's (my G/F) was also sexually abused as a child from family members & she never told anyone until my H clicked on what she was saying one night at her place when I was away. She hadn't even told her H until that night. He was not very supportive to her. She then set her cap on my H & she got him. She has cheated on others as well, even on her first H with this current one. This was her way of comtrol I think. Her way of coping. It's all so very sad.

Thankyou for your help

Eyes Opened

H had several A's over 10 yrs
DD 26. DS 24.

The therapy I received from a Christian friend & counselor and the unconditional love, support and understanding I received from my H was the most helpful to me. After I started counseling and came out with the whole sexual abuse thing, I also confided in my mother and 3 of my very close woman friends and this was very helpful too. Victims of sexual abuse usually have very low self-esteem and self confidence and therefore it’s important for them to be loved, surrounded and supported by people who really, really care for them and have their best interest at heart… If victims of abuse feel accepted, heard and understood by people who care, it can help a great deal in restoring their self-esteems and to feel worthy again... Most importanly survivors of abuse need to learn to accept themselves and love themselves.

The reading of psychological, spiritual and religious books was helpful in my search of self-understanding and to understand how I was unconsciously affected by what happened in my childhood and to take steps to help overcome those things. One book that come to mind is “Beauty for Ashes” by Joyce Meyer. The other thing that helped tremendously was developing a closer personal relationship with God and a closer walk with Him. The book of Joyce Meyer (I’ve recommended above) can help a survivor of abuse to accomplish this. (Joyce Meyer was emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually abused as a child herself and today she is writing books, have her own TV and radio program and giving seminars and speeches all over the world to help other people). There is hope & help for sexual abuse survivors, but often the path to healing is very long and hard.

I was abused by a neighbor. I went home at 4 and needed help -my mother smacked me acroos the head and called me a ******. So I never told anyone. Years later we found out he has abused hsi daugheters. Horrible.

I never received help. Did suffer low self esteem and fight it daily. I however turned the other way and would not let anyone gert close to me. If a guy tried anything with me when dating I gave them a knucle sandwhich. I grew up to be very tough as a teenager and young woman. Softened after my first child. I met my H at age 31 and it was the first time in my life I would ever let someone get close to me. I learned on thing that is this- someone can do what ever they want to you- rape-beat- hit- torture- insult you however the only thing that counts is what you let them do to you. If you do not give yourself to them then it is not your fault. You are not the one who wanted this and did not like it. You were to young to understand what was happening and not responsilbe. What you do as an adult it what you are responsible for not as a child. A child does not have free will. I hold my head up and know within myself I am pure, good and wonderful. If anyone trys to take that away they may change my outward apperaance but not what is inside soemthing they will never control and then they better watch their backs for the rest of their lives because I will be behind them waiting.

This is shocking... I can't understand how a MOTHER can do such a thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

(((((realtor)))))

you'd have to know my MOther..........

Fortunately I haven't experienced this, but I volunteered for several years with an organization that helps sexually assaulted women and children and received a lot of training. I was on the front line, going with the person to the medical exam and answering the 24-hour crisis line, so I didn't really get into the longterm recovery.

But from what I gathered from the staff who DID work with the longterm recovery, it seems that having a safe, supportive environment to share your feelings is the most important thing.

Strangly enough I found that when I really mentally forgave her I was able to put the memories of the "incidents" into perspective.

After that the memories didn't "ambush" me anymore.

Before that the memories would just seem to "pop" up and it was like it had just happened. The anger would come back and hold me in its thrall. Occasionally it would take me a couple of DAYS to get over my anger.

Needless to say I was not very good company during this time.

This is hard to answer. I think like with everything else, people handle this in different ways. I was molested by a family member randomly from age 8 to age 13. It only ended because I stood up & screamed at the top of my lungs that I would put him in jail if he touched me again. He was an alcoholic at the time & I think that is why he did it. I don't excuse the behavior, but on several occasions after he was no longer drinking he cried & apologized on the phone to me (around age 18-20) so I did get some closure. He has also said that he was evil & lost in evil at the time.

As for me, I thought it didn't really affect me. I knew I didn't blame myself for it, and I became tough, so I thought I overcame it. How I was wrong! First, I fell away from God very easily. As a teenager & in my early 20's, I was unable to say no to sex even when I didn't want to do it. I drank alcohol & partied to numb the pain. I defined myself by having a BF, but was always pushing them away with my jealously & anger. I always had high expectations for myself & others, but always accepted less from others (by letting men treat me poorly). I was very angry at my mother for not protecting me (even though she didn't know about it, I still blamed her). I also have MAJOR trust issues and have always had low self-esteem too.

I was fortunate enough that I told myself I would do everything I could NOT to rely on a man - like getting an education (and I did). I also didn't rush into marriage (even though I accepted less then what I deserve from a H). I also made a decision early to not get involved in drugs and was able to quit drinking alcohol without any problems. I would say that I was lucky (and probably blessed because I had a grandmother that prayed for me daily).

Today, I still struggle with self-esteem issues (not that having your H cheat on you doesn't do damage enough on that). I struggle with not feeling loved or accepted either. This is not something that is easy to overcome. I never had counseling for it, but did alot of research & reading for myself to try to understand why I have destructive behaviors when I don't want to.

Eyesopened,

Bless you for wanting to help.

I am just now getting counseling for the abuse that took place in my childhood 30 years ago. One thing my counselor keeps telling me is -- "This is something that happened to you. It is not who you are." He has probably said this 10-12 times in just our first couple of sessions dealing with this issue (He was our MC before becomming my IC). I think he's trying to drill it into my head.

I think what everyone is saying about unconditional love and acceptance, and the need for a sense of protection is true. Try not to be shocked by any details you may learn. It could be interpreted by this young woman that you're shocked and horrified by HER, rather than the incident. On the other hand, I don't like people feeling too sorry for me either. Makes me feel weak or something (not sure, I'm pretty new at this). It's a fine line to walk, but I think the key is calm, casual, strong, loving support.

It's also true that negative or inappropriate reactions from the first people to learn of the abuse can be even more traumatizing than the abuse itself. ((((((Suzet)))))

In my case, I was molested by my older brother(only sibling) over a period of several months. Maybe as long as two years, not sure. We grew up in the country and didn't have any other playmates. He was pretty mean to me unless he was trying to molest me -- then he was nice -- that was his leverage over me. Also, at times, the fondling felt physically good, adding to my confusion and sense of shame. But what really screwed me up was my mother's reaction when she found out. (This is something I literally just came to understand during my last counseling session on Tuseday -- wierd huh?)

She "caught us". I'll never forget the horrified look on her face and her demand to know what the &*$@ was going on. She separated us. Spoke to my brother first. Then took me for a walk. Her hands were shaking. She was chain-smoking. And she still had that disgusted, horrified look on her face. She asked me a bunch of questions about how long it had been going on, how often, how "far" it had gone etc. Then she said, "He said you liked it. Did you?"

But it wasn't a question. It was an accusation.

Those seven words were soooo loaded. First of all "He said.." confirmed his 'status' as the perferred child, the one to be believed. (My mom never stuck up for me when my brother was mean to me. She'd tell me to "just ignore him") Then "..you liked it." The accusation. Implication: If you did, then the whole thing's your fault. "Did you?" Which, of course, I vehemently denied, sealing my belief that I could never tell anyone the truth about what had happened. Adding to my belief that if it felt good in any way, shape, or form, then it was my fault.

Yikes, I didn't really mean to go on and on about my story. Hope something in there somewhere helps. There must be some books out there somewhere that address the best ways to spport abuse victims (?)

--SC

wow, this sure is timely for me today. thanks.

this is getting off your initial question, but i hope you don't mine.

regarding...

what if your H is not able to do that for you?? how do i deal with that?

and sc...

do you struggle with having strong reactions when things feel good now?

What a horrible, horrible memory to have seared into your past. I feel for all you here that have suffered through your lives from what should have been such a time of innocence. Few crimes affect people so much and so very long with lifelong implications in so many facets of their existence. I pray those that shared here reach some sense of peace with what is such a horrific past.

I sometimes think that a pedophile/sex offender is somewhat like a serial adulterer, (don’t worry…..I know which is worse…not trying to minimize) in that they keep on offending until it is brought to light. Then….so many more realize they are not alone in their victimization and can corroborate what the other victim says of the offender. Otherwise…….their desire just keeps them re-offending through their life with no consequences.

There is no statute of limitations for sexual assault……………

I was always a nerdy, odd kid. In high school I went to the library and read books on child molestation and recovery. The books on child abuse say some kids are 'stress resistant' and handle the situation rather rationally, and go on to have sucessful lifes. I always considered it unfortunate, a shame, could have been worse, but I got out as soon as I could so.... waddayado?

I moved out at 16, went to court and became an emmancipated minor, put myself through HS and college, moved 2000 miles away, and have a pretty normal life. Good job, no debt, no addictions, and finally a happy marriage. I have some food issues, but both my parents were also obese, so I cant say how much the molestation contributes to that. I'm not obese at all, but can usually stand to loose 10-30 lbs at any point in my life.

And, I never went through these extreme abuse the poster's victim did... I'm not sure what I could offer. I think making sure she'd getting GOOD, EXTENSIVE therapy, not just 'therapy' would be key. Also, just being available as a friend... take her shopping and to dinner, just introduce some fun, normal activities into her life. This helps keep the brain busy and gives them something else to focus on. You might get some books on the subject??? Best of luck to you all - Dru

I never told ANYONE about it. Not until years later. And then only one other person in my family. My cousin / aunt / sister (long story!). Turns out that she had some "incidents" with the same relative.

We were always close and were able to talk with each other about it.

Neither of us ever told any other realatives. Both of us have forgiven her. Neither of us intend to "dreg" it up at this point.

The relative that did this is now in poor health and needs the help of our family (I won't go into details). She has apologised for her actions to both of us.

Thankyou all so much for your responses, & sharing your stories with us. My heart goes out to you.

I can see alot of what you have told me in this young woman ie: low self esteem, she is just skin & bone, been in abusive relationships, poor choice of friends etc. Her parents just didn't know what was wrong with her. It has been a huge strain on their relationship as well, both emotionally & financially. I recomended HN/HN for them to read. They do not know about my stich.

After reading your stories, I find it incredibly hard to understand a parent NOT believing a young child when they tell them something of this magnitude. How can a young child know about sex unless they have been exposed?

Suzet, I will look for the book "Beauty for Ashes" for them to read.
Realtor, DOes your Mother now know that you were speaking the truth? Has she appologised to you? You were only 4.
SmartCookie, How old were you when this happened? I'm betting you were underage & it's not your fault that your body responds the way it has been built to respond. (If that makes sense).Has your brother & mother now realized what they both did was wrong? Have you confronted them at all?
I guess at the end of the day, nothing can take this terrible experience away, it's part of your life's story. Another betrayal for you to live through. You are all incredibly brave. I can not begin to know what you have been through with this exeprience, but if the pain is anything like the pain I have felt after learning of my H's 7 A's, then you all get the "gold medal" for winning the battles (or on the way to it).
Take care
Eyes Opened

I'm really not sure how old I was. It's almost as if it was totally separate from all the other events in my life that would help me pinpoint my age. I think that's part of the whole disconnecting/compartmentalizing thing that happens when you try to deal with this sort of thing on your own as a kid. My best guess is 7 or 8 when it started, 9 or 10 when it stopped.

BTW, for several months after my mother found out, every time my brother and I were home alone together, she'd come hom and ask "Did he bother you?". That's how she'd prhase it -- "bother you". It did happen several more times, but I sure as sh-- wasn't going to tell HER that.

We've never spoken about it since. In fact, I thought about getting some help when I was in my 20's but one of the reasons I decided against it was because I had read or seen somewhere that a big part of the healing process was for the victim to confront the molestor, and I've always wanted to avoid that at all cost. The counselor I have now says I get to decide all that stuff. I like that.

Like Dru, I went on to have a "successful" life. After what happened, I sort-of cut myself off from my family and threw myself into school -- both academics, and any and every activity I could possibly fit into a day. I was the first in my family to go to college. Now I have a very successful career and all that. So there really is an up-side, in a way. I'm not sure I would have had the same "drive" under different circumstances. On the other hand, all that OUTER confidence and success allowed me to buy into the illusion that I had come to terms with what happened, when in fact, it's now painfully obvious that the wounds never really healed properly. Like a broken bone that never gets re-set correctly -- can't really tell anything's wrong from the outside, but it continues to cause pain on the inside.

Another thing about my mother -- in many ways, she really was a good parent. And she's an AWSOME grandmother to my kids. She didn't do what she did maliciously, but rather out of ignorance. I'm not sure whether that makes it easier or harder to deal with. Hmmmm.


Hi FL,


You ask the hardest damn questions, woman! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is a complicated one for me. On one hand -- no. I mean, I'm a bona fide, card carrying hedonist (SP?). Massage, pedicures, good sex -- you name it, I'm into it. Like a lot of SA victims, I went on to be pretty promiscuous. Mostly, I enjoyed myself. But like W-2B-S said, I couldn't seem to say "no" either way.

Unlike many SA victims, though, I don't have a lot of sexual hang-ups -- which always perplexed me. In fact, it has contributed to my thinking that I must have 'liked it' and that it must have been 'my fault'. The voice in my head goes soemthing like -- If you were abused and you don't HATE sex there must be something wrong with you. One more thing to feel guilty about. (See how convoluted a person's thinking can become if they don't have anyone to help them sort through this stuff rationally?)

But here's where your question gets a little tricky for me. Even though I fully enjoy physical pleasure -- sexual and other forms -- I have always managed to find ways to feel guilty about it. Like, if I climax and H doesn't -- guilt. If I'm off getting a pedicure and H is home taking care of the kids -- guilt. The good news is, now that I recognize this, it's getting better.

I think I know why you're asking FL -- a situation we've "talked" about before, by any chance? Involving crying? Have you ever talked to a "professional" about this issue?


--SC

yeah, i know, i'm sorry... but thanks for trying to tackle it.


nope, not really gone too close to this issue with any C. i've tried a little, but its just too hard and scary. and i really don't need to be disloging anything i have successfully hid from myself all my life!! and that is what i fear will happen if i did around this issue too much.

however, the answer to the "how's that working for you?" question is pretty obvious, it's not. at least not always. i don't always struggle, just sometimes, when triggered.

and it is more complicated than just crying.

sooo, seems like i need to deal with this... i can't with my H, i've not been sucessful with IC, why not just air it here for all to see...

if i can figure out how to express myself that is.

which, if i could, would probably be progess in and of itself...

i was active pretty early, with a kid down the street, who was in an extremely disfunctional family. his dad was rather abusive to both his mom, him and his brother. i met him in freshman year, as he grew, he got much bigger than his dad, he was a basketball player, his dad was actually a pretty small guy, but not a very nice guy.

anyway... there was a side to the relationship with this guy that was abusive, that as time went on, got more abusive. we were actually engaged to be married during senior year. i consider myself very lucky to have not gone down that path. my household being as it was, i wanted out as soon as i could after graduating and due to having good grades, college was my out. had i not had the college option, i might have ended up marrying him just to get out. i was very fortunate. my older sister was not. something that always haunts me. it really was not fair.

anyway, what i struggle with is my own perspective of sex, being used as an object (which included allowing myself to be used. but, sometimes, not really allowing it) vrs truely giving due to love. and then the other side of it. accepting. and when i say accepting, i mean accepting the act as a loving act. it was not in those early years, and the first year of college was even worse.

by the time my DH came on the scene... the concept of viewing it as a loving act, a gift to me.... not even close. DH never had a chance of me seeing it that way. and since we never really talked about any of this, he never even knew. heck, i didn't even know i was his first until we had been married for 15 years. i found out during the retrovaille weekend, early 2002. by then i was already deep in the mess i started with the internet, that was july 2001. talk about a HUGE knife in the heart. to hear that then, i was amazed. i was hurt. and almost even mad that he had never told me that. and i suppose under it all i was so much more ashamed and disgusted with myself, not that i would allow myself to look at any of it.

i think this is the most i am able to say right now.

thanks for listening.

I was molested a couple of times by my cousin. I told my parents in my late teens and they didn't believe me. They told me that I must have mistaken my neighbor for my cousin. I was pissed!

Like many others here, I was stand offish with men. If I liked a guy, then it wasn't easy to say no to sex. I never told anyone else. I did not have a drug or alcohol problem because I wanted to make sure that I was in control of my body at all times. I worked a lot and saved my money, went through college and I make very good money now. I got married this past year at the age of 32. I am fiercely independent and do not believe in relying on a man no matter what. I do my own car repairs, make over twice as much as my husband, etc... My husband tells me that I am too independent. I don't believe in such a thing. Although, this is the closest I have ever been with a man, it probably still isn't that close.

Sexually, I have no hang ups. Although, I am usually the aggressor, so maybe that is a product of my earlier abuse. All I can say is that I became very independent probably because I was very young when it happened and I felt helpless. I don't ever want to feel like that again.

My WH was molested by an older sister when he was around 6 or 7 yrs old. He told me this about 6 mo. after D-Day #1. I tried hard not to own this problem and "fix" him as I tend to do, but I did order some material on line from a group in Cincinatti, OH, forgot the name of the place. There isn't a lot out there for men and especially for men abused by females. He got angry that I ordered it, but read it almost a year later. In the material it state that being promiscuous is one of the acting out behaviours. In my sitch, my WH proposed to me while I was in HS. I thought he was odd to even suggest it due to our ages!

My WH said that he tried to tell his mom, but she didn't pay enough attention to what or how he was saying it. He gave up and felt helpless. He felt his mom didn't protect him. He spoke to his IC about this about two years ago, once or twice. I spoke to my IC about it and she said that it is very difficult for anyone dealing with childhood SA to deal with it and it is very common for them to stop counseling, which my WH did. He thought he was "cured" by outwardly acknowledging it, but of course that is only one step of many. His abuser was gravely ill when all this came out and he never spoke to her about it, she passed away in July. WH's mother is 77 and frail and he will not speak to her about it. All this is his choice, of course, how he wants to deal with it. Which would be fine if he resolved his pain and issues, which he hasn't bc it is too painful.

Part of the reason he has EA's and PA's is his need to be admired and desired by more than one female. I'm sure the SA contributed to this, not sure how/why.

I give a lot of you credit who worked through the SA issues, you must have a lot of courage to face these demons. Question, do you ever feel like this is something that happened to you, and can let it rest, or is it always a dull pain that is a part of you? I guess what I am asking is that is it possible to heal from this?

hi again,

first i want to thank everyone who is sharing.

second, after posting, i left and while driving home, i started to feel better.

1. i am NOT that person anymore, i do NOT view myself as only an object anymore!!

2. talking to my husband this morning was really very good. something he was doing was not good for me, and I so I told him. that is an act of me protecting myself, that's all. and that is really a good thing to see myself do.

now let me clarify, my DH was NOT doing anything horrible, he was not being mean in any way shape or form. i have told him in the past to not do such and such. it is true he slowly has forgotten that. but i know he does not do it to hurt me, i can be a very confusing person at time!!!

i decided this time, in order to help him really understand what i was saying i would share more of what i have shared with you all today. about HS and first year of college and my general view of myself and sex due to all that.

however, i was not really communicating very well this morning. i think i should of journaled on my own first. i guess that is what i ended up kinda doing by posting here. i think that would of helped me better communicate.

he did certainly understand the part of what i would like him to not do anymore. conversation slightly derailed as i was trying to explain. 1 - cuz i had not worked it thru myself and 2- IT"S PAINFUL STUFF!!!!

anyway, i'm feeling much better. i had talked to DH at some point during the day and we each explained to the other why our conversation went less than successful. he made an assumption that sent him down the wrong path. i was too busy trying to say what i was needing to share to see or deal with that. he says he is more than willing to talk about it now. i'm not sure if i will choose to do that or not.

the most important part of the msg (i.e. don't do this) was heard and understood. that is what counts. i was able to self-soothe. part of me thinks in the ideal relationship, i would still share, cuz i just should. but i don't know now, maybe there are no absolute shoulds. if i can self-soothe, if i can still effectively communicate what i need from him in the presnet, it seems like that most important.

i'm not going to worry about it now, we are going out with another couple tonight. i'm just going to relax and enjoy the friday night out.

I was molested over the course of 7 years as a child. I learned a lot about life and about myself in the process of recovery. I was a very angry, self-deprecating, pessimisitic person before I got into making things right for myself. No IC.

Details about the molestation aren't really important. Your original question was how to help. Here's a few concrete ideas - they worked for me, maybe for your friend's daughter too - who knows.

1. I called a rape crisis hotline one time, and that was all it really took to help me understand things better. They said the key thing that helped me get on the right path. They said that I was a child, not an adult, at the time. The adult made the wrong decision, not me. And the fact that this happened to me did not define who I was, nor who I could be. They told me to explore my own anger, and figure out who I was really mad at. That question threw me, until I realized I was so mad at my father for not rescuing me. I fought with my father so much through my teenage years that I am shocked we even still talk to each other.

2. I told my husband. In fact, he was the very first person I disclosed to, and I didn't do that until we had been married for 5 years. Disclosure, talking about it all, and seeing that someone could still love me and help me get through it all was extremely important. I never felt a need to go into details with him, but shared my feelings, hurt, anger, and musings.

3. The anger I had was incredible. I would go ballistic at just the most mundane things - really lose it, saying and doing crazy stuff. I had to use a different strategy to cope with the anger, and I began to think about the anger as a giant pot, brewing all the time, and ready to boil over at any moment. This pot was the anger pot, and available for use for ALL things I was angry about, regardless of the cause of the anger. I would dip into this pot when I needed an angry response, and it was very easy and convenient, and always full. What I had to do was make a conscious decision regarding anger. The pot had to be reserved only for the most important things, and that it was not to be used for daily or trivial events. For example, if my H and I were arguing about the laundry, and I felt the anger pot beginning to unload, I had to stop and say to myself, "He is fighting over the laundry - are you fighting over the laundry, or is it something else?". Truly, I could say that before I figured things out, EVERY instance of anger related DIRECTLY back to the abuse. Once I figured this out, I was better able to control the anger. (This also helped me with controlling use of drugs and alcohol, and sexual promiscuity, by the way.)

4. Finally, and most important, your friend's daughter has to understand one thing. That is, if she allows this to color all of the things she does in her life, then HE WINS. He has the power, which is what these predators want, and even when he's not there, he still has it if she lets him have it. Don't let him win - decide to make yourself the powerful one, take control of your beautiful life, and make it what you want. Ultimately, you win because you control the memories, you control the emotions, and you control your own life.

By the way, because I took this control, I have a pretty good life, all things considered. The abusers? Hah. They are old alcoholics, have terrible home lives, and not much to call their own. Sometimes there is justice.