I have a question -

When you are faced with temptation and you feel yourself moving in the direction of at least an emotional affair (maybe more). What are you suppose to do in relation to your spouse?

I mean do you tell them, say - I have a problem, we need help? Do you just keep it to yourself? What does Dr. Harley say? I can't seem to put my finger on it in his books.

WH brought it up - how weird that I should be "pushing" Harley's method spo much and yet would consider going off to see my OM from 4 years ago. BUT - and this is big BUT - while my OM did call, and did invite me to visit, I decided NO - don't want to go there, not now, not ever! But my WH found out - mostly because I asked him to take the kids this weekend for the entire weekend and he assumed I was going away. He started questioning me and I admitted that OM had been in contact - but I had said no.

So now WH is upset, finds it very wierd that I would consider restarting an affair, while preaching MB principles. I guess I was(am) very lonely and the thought of someone filling those emotional needs -even for a little while - was tempting.

BUT I said NO!!!

See Radical Honesty section.

I personally would say yes, you *should* tell your spouse you are tempted. So many of us BS's had no idea there was some need that was going unmet till it was already being met by the OP...given the opportunity to go back and AVOID the trauma we're going through now, I would much rather have dealt with the seemingly minor trauma of being told he was tempted to look elsewhere to have his EN's met.

The dilemma, of course, is how to go about doing that. I don't guess anyone can tell you exactly how to do that because it's probably going to be a Love Buster at least to some extent to tell a spouse who has already been betrayed that they are in danger of it happening again...

Although I agree to the radical honesty in principal I am not sure telling the spouse that I am attracted to someone else is the right solution. I think the attraction is more of a symptom than the real disease. Comparable to sneezing and blowing one’s nose next to your spouse rather than just telling them you have a cold.

So I would look at what is happening in your relationship and your interactions with your spouse. What needs are unfulfilled? What can your spouse do to fulfill those needs? What can you do to fulfill those needs? Then approach the spouse with radical honesty and tell him what you think the problem is.

One major thing that differentiates humans from beasts is free will. Therefore we CAN control whom we are attracted to and what temptations we fall for.

It is my opinion that is has nothing to do with unmet needs and is soley an act of great disrespect to the marriage...

no matter the marriage state...

why did you talk to him at ALL

What does he bring to you and your marriage but undermining and disrespect to the vows YOU spoke....

I find any outside party that takes such liberties to view my own marriage as meaningless, fleeting, and valuable based on the whims of feelings a very shallow and dangerous interloper...

how does a phonecall with an OM get beyond..

sorry not intererested in A N Y T H I N G you have to say...
and
don't ever call here again ever...
and
buh-BYE...

See jancan...either YOUR marriage vows that YOU spoke hold great meaning to YOU inspite of your spouse.....and therefor until totally disolved you stand 10000% behind them...

OR

they don't hold great meaning to you and you should divorce your husband....

true committment to marriage vows are what stops a conversation to getting to the point of a an OM inviting you out over or under....

ARK

I think that you broke PORH by not telling him about your contact with the OM in the first place. He should not have had to question you to find this out.

As a BS I would have appreciated the info right away, as not telling and then he found out puts the trust issue right out the window and back to square one. PORH is the way to go, if you have nothing to hide then hide nothing.

Jan-

So you were both having affairs at the same time, right? You just quit yours and he hasn't yet? Is that correct?

Also, I want to know about this in your Bio - ME EA/ONS 5/02 - 7/02 old BF, so you were having an EA with an old BF and it turned physical once?? If so, that's not a ONS....that's a full blown affair....you had the emotional connection and you took it physical.

I don't know how to advise you since both of you have done this at pretty much the same time, I'm sure someone will come along that can though.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Jan,
Just want to add that I agree with Eagle and MIM. You should have told him about the contact, and told him you said NO. This is where problems arise. You didn't tell him so because he didn't hear it from you first, he now probably thinks there is more to the story. I.E. if you had nothing to hide you would have told me.

Harley recommends that you tell your spouse if you are feeling attracted to another. Although it would still hurt to hear this, supposedly you can nip it in the bud this way. Remember, secrecy is the fuel of affairs.

Also, this relates to a joint policy of radical honesty.

HI Jan -

"I admitted that OM had been in contact"

"When you are faced with temptation and you feel yourself moving in the direction of at least an emotional affair (maybe more). What are you suppose to do in relation to your spouse?"

Purposeful contact with OM fills needs and is a continuation of the A. What has your H asked you to do?

Whether it's OM or someone new, if you are attracted to him and tempted, I'd say, remember the pain of the past and present, give yourself a good lecture, talk to your H, do everything you can to avoid this other person. Change your e-mail accounts and phone numbers, block him from your e-mail, eat lunch somewhere else, park somewhere else, shop somewhere else, etc.

Have a plan in place with your H of what both of you will do if/when this happens.


God bless,
Rose

Hi Jan,

As a BS who had no idea that H had been flirting with a coworker, I would have appreciated knowing that he was attracted to someone else. He complained that we were not having SF enough for him. I responded that he was not home enough to have SF and the only time he talked to me was when he wanted SF. Now, had I only known that he had a young woman who had been chasing him, it would have made a difference in how I reacted. Yes, I would have been upset, but as Camoknight's wife said, I would have rather dealt with this before anything happened, than the devastation that I have had to deal with now.

Even without the PORH, it is just the moral and ethical thing to do if you are married.