Hello, I am need of advice on being a new step-father. I am the wife and have 3 children. a 14 yr old son & 8 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. My 5 month old son is my husbands only child. Within 2 yrs my husband and I met, got pregnant, bought a new house (which he has to work 2 jobs to pay bills), and a new baby. Our marriage is struggling. He's hardly home and when he is he has big issues with my 14 yr old son. It's to the point where he doesn't even want to be in the same room with him. He doesn't feel that my son has been disciplined properly and doesn't like the things he does or way he talks to me. He says it's not the issues (dishes left in sink, anything where we have to clean up after him) and his attitude (typical teenage sarcastic replies towards me - never towards my H). It has affected our sex life. I try to follow through on what bothers my H but it never fails any little thing that I don't catch eats away at my husband to the point where my H only sees the bad and never the good things my son does do. I understand love takes time and may never happen but now when my husband is home he walks around with a puss on his face and says nothing. He has a lot on his plate in a short period of time and the biggest issue with him is my son. My children are happy with my H and my son only says positive things about him. My H says it's not what my son does but the meaning behind it. He feels that if my son leaves a dish in the sink he's doing it out of disrespect and is being spiteful because he knows it bothers my H. I've tried to explain that with kids you may need to say things 100 times before there is finally no need to but he doesn't buy it. Since the baby we've had sex 4 times (2 I initiated), countless talks. I still want him however he has lost his sex drive towards me. He says he loves me and is attracted to me but says it's because of all the stress he deals with. I think he is resentful towards me because of the things he has to deal with (working 2 jobs to support the "baggage" that came with me and dealing with my son). He even once said he can't stand being under the same roof with him and can't even look at him. DOES ANYONE HAVE ADVICE THAT WILL HELP HIM COPE WITH BEING A STEP-DAD? If so please, please reply. We love eachother very much and statistics show the biggest reson for divorce of blended families is the children. Thank you, Lisa

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lah219,

being a stepfather can be really difficult. Especially if the child has reqular contact with biological father. Your H may struggle with acceptance since your son may seem a constant reminder of previous relationships. just one thought. Regardless, from my experience, I met my wife and fell in love with her and her daughter. When we got married a knew my SD's regular contact with her real dad could cause issues, but I committed myself to be a patient and loving father through thick and thin. When your H married you he made a commitment to your children as well as you.

To the step dad,

Your son may struggle to accept you as much you do him, try pursuing a friendship with him independant of the rest of your family, remember to be patient, he is probably struggling as much as you are, but is not necessarily trying to create conflict.

OK... Please go into more detail about this stuff. Does your son do disrespectful acts at home that you haven't managed?

Does your son treat you with disrespect?

I, for one, don't buy into the mainstream answer of "Typical Teen Sarcasm". I know countless teens that do not demonstrate "Typical Teen Sarcasm", and that's because their parents will not tolerate that.

From your brief intro, it appears that y'all have different parenting expectations and that could also be coupled with your hubby feeling a little un-appreciated. So the question becomes "Where is your power".

Well first and foremost, if your son is being disrespectful, you have power to influence that behavior, though that power is lessened every day because of his age. Next, you do have power to show your hubby appreciation.

Oh.....Could I go on and on about this one....

When I married my wife she had a DD(9) from previous marriage. XH was a mean alcholic who hit her and emotionally abused her. She was still being emotionally abused when I met her.

XH was a real "winner". Made good money, never paid child support. Left my W is crummy apt. and wasn't part of DD's life for her first 3 years. Did drugs. Got arrested several times while they were tgether (DWI, drugs). This guy was a real tool.

Me? I met W when DD was about 7. W wouldn't introduce me to her until W was sure about relationship (6 months). When I finally did meet DD, it was at work and relationship with her was very slow.

W and I marry. DD is about 10. Married not just wife but DD too. Told W thats how I felt. Promised never to treat her like that. Promised to provide good loving home and love DD as my own.

My opinion, I did. Hers? Nope.

At age 13 DD and W relationsip starts to decline. I tried to be DD's friend instead of parent. Ended up undermining my W as a mother.

Did alot for DD. She still doesn't like me. Why? Well, if you ask DD, she would say she thinks alot has to do with her mother and I and how I treated her Mom. Or that I am too hard on her (DD) or I only look for the negitive. Maybe I do ...

I think Its because I can see through her crap. She can't bull me. I know when she is full of it and I tell her.

Really do love them both though. Always have. Always thought of DD as my own. Wished her "real" father would have dropped off the face of the earth sometimes.

BTW, DD is almost 20 now. W and I seperated and DD won't talk to me at all except to tell me that her Mom is happy now without me...

My advise? Don't think that for minute that any child is going to allow someone else to replace the "real" parent. Concentrate on own children.

DD posted on a web-site how "she finally got what she wanted" when W and I seperated..

Thanks for my love of her, I guess ....

What would you think of the idea of some family counseling?

I'm not a stepfather - or a stepmother - but am in some family counseling w/ my x. His wife is invited and has shown up for 1 or 2 sessions over the last year. We are at 6 weeks intervals now. Life is greatly improved even if the stepmother doesn't show up for sessions.