Thanks for the advice. I know her name and where she lives, her contact numbers and email. I just have not met her. My husband and I have discussed the paternity test and he agrees with me that we should get one to make sure who the father is and she has declined. She said it would make it hard for her and her husband to reconcile the marriage. My husband ask that I not contact her b/c it may do more harm to her marriage. Her husband does not know that they had a sexual relationship.

Because of the emails and text msgs I have found I think it is over. She made it clear that she does not want anything further. My husband said that he realizes his mistakes and does not want to continue a relationship with her and if he ever becomes so unhappy that he is thinking about looking elswhere he will come to me first. Am I being to nieve?

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Abby
34 YOF
Married 9 years
3 Children

Abby, Welcome to MB. You're in a good place.

Maybe...

He may be...

But that's OK. The question is NOT whether or not he WILL follow through. You can't answer that question with any certainty.

What you need to determine are:
1. Is he REALLY sincere?
2. Is he willing (right now) to start the long road to restore the M?
3. Does he understand that the recovery is going to be a VERY tough road, and sometimes he's going to be so discouraged that he will think there's no way it will work?
4. Do you?

Have you considered contacting the Harleys? They're pricy, but worth it. You can spend less per session with lots of other counselors and get almost nowhere (or be worse off than when you started).

Don't spend your life second guessing him. The fact of the matter is, you have a good reason not to trust a thing he says, but if you trap yourself into spitefully living in distrust, he won't be able to make any progress. Another fact is that he has already shown himself to be weak, and he will need your help to recover.

Welcome to this particular road that none of us ever wanted to travel... At least you've got good company for the trip who really do understand your pain.

God bless!

What does everyone think about not determining the paternity of the child?

I think it is a big mistake. For one thing, if the OW's husband is not told, he may raise a child that is not his. Also if their marriage does not survive, OW may come looking for back child support, if Abby's husband is determined the father.

Also, by not shedding light on the affair, there is a chance that it could continue.

Plus, it may NOT be the WS's child, and that would lay things to rest.