I found out Sunday my husband had been having an affair for the past 8 months while I was preg. with twins. On Tuesday I found out that he may have fathered a child w/ OW because I read his text msgs. I had asked him on Monday if he had had sex with her and he said yes and then I asked if there was anything else he wanted to tell me and he said no. When I confronted him about this lie, he said "He did not want to hurt me and thought it would make it harder for us to reconcile....he said that according to her it was a very slim chance the baby was his and she did not want to tell her husband." Her H knows about the affair and told her that he did not believe that the child was his. According to the OW she showed him via calendar that it was his b/c she was not ovulating when she last had sex with my H. My H wants a paternity test b/c he feels that he can not live with the fact that he has fathered a child and is not taking responsibility. OW does not because she is afraid if it is it would ruin her marriage. I think the OH will demand a test after the child is born but that will not be until August!!! How do we start rebuilding our marriage with this hanging over our heads. We are reading the "Surviving an Affair" book and but it really does not address this issue. We all live in the same community and my H and I would like to keep this as private as possible but we would also like a paternity test as soon as possible, any advice? My husband and I are going to contact the OW (even though she has asked my H not to contact her again) and ask her for the test (our expense) and have the results sent to us so we know and she does not have to know the truth. I just can not believe this has happened!!! Please advise.

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Abby
34 YOF
Married 9 years
3 Children

Abby, until the child is born and paternity is established you need to go NC with OW. Not sure but I think in some states that OC is automatically considered the H's child unless he requests paternity. I will bump up the welcome thread for you.

Abby, this is the ideal time to work on you M. Take your time and heal and get your M strong before the birth of possible OC.

Hi Abby,

welcome to the club. sorry you had to find us like this but you have probably found the best place you could have to help rebuild your marriage and manage this situation.

ok, first things first. NC with OW until the baby is born. the period between now and when the baby is born is valuable time for you and your h to begin rebuilding. cause once the baby is here, it really can feel like you are in a pressure cooker.

in relation to the paternity test, the fact that she is married would probably make it difficult for your h to demand a paternity test, especially before the child was born. as far as i know the only way to do it pre birth is via an amnio sentisis and that has risks for both mother and featus so you would be best off not to ask imho.

after the birth you could try to force the issue. it will really depend on the laws of where you live. it might be worth consulting a lawyer to find out exactly what your rights will be. if her h wants a test he is within his rights to ask for one. he normally has approx 2 years for the birth to question the childs paternity and then he is presumed the father despite the DNA.

There really arent any books about this situation. i think most infidelity authors put this situation in the too hard basket.

i think the fact that the OW in your situation is trying to rebuild her marriage bodes well for you. she has a vested interest in keeping the contact to an absolute minimum so hopefully you wont have to worry about the affair rekindling etc (never say never but i would be hopeful).

so that all being said, how are you doing in all of this. How do you feel? it is easy i think when you are confronted with all of this to lose yourself in the details and technicalities and not allow yourself to feel. i think it is kind of normal. feel free to unload here if you need to. we have all been there and some of us still are.

hugs

Carolyn

hello,

sorry u are going through this. its hard to sit by not knowing if someone elses baby is your husbands or not. my h oc is due in march and yes we will establish paternity first. but i have to be honest all these months have been a oller coaster ride, i get so tired of dealing with ow stuff that somtimes i feel like running away from whole thing. i have also wished that she would claim child not my h or that we could tell her to raise it herself and leave us alone but i cant ow isnt with anybody and probably wont be i also feel children need there fathers. it sounds to me that your h oc does have a father no matter what since she is married. he would have to ask for a p test first.

if i were u, and this is only my opinion. be greatful that she is married and wants her h to be father. if only it was that way for me. let it go save yourslf all the emotional and mental pain on yourself not to mention your marriage. if they really want to work on there m they deserve to have that also. as others here will tell u having to deal with ow is not fun.it totally affects your life.im a mental case most of the time. i cant express enough how in your case, let it go, if ow wants her h to be father let him, save yourself and your m and let them do the same. otherwise your in for a struggle and long fight and alot of pain. not to mention the finantial part. you have 3 kids to think about let this go for now at least. if only i was in your situation. but im not we will have to deal with this. were just now deciding we well not jump just cause she says jump, h will be responsible but we dont have to play her games.
good luck to u, really think about what ive said, im sure that there r many others that will say the same.

sorry i might have responded to wrong one, but after rereading,
franky05 i would still do it like this, let her h persue it first. unless this is somthing u and your h want to pesue, just remember there will be alot of garbage that comes with it. adding more strain on m. good luck,

to other woman in this sit, i would suggest same thing, if ow has h let it go,run from sit unless your forced into. as her h is legal father unless he wants to fight. again i cant express enough to save yourself all the pain. if you persue this this ow could be in your lives almost forever. i hate that in some way i will always be reminded of this young thin woman my h slept with. good luck to u all.