I have this "friend" at work. I've known him for a good 5 years now. I've always looked to him as just a good friend whom everyone can talk to only it seems I'm the only one that he tends to horseplay with and constantly has to touch. We are both married and in miserable marriages. Given the chance at a sexual encounter we both did the "right" thing and just talked about it and went our separate ways. He has since admitted to having very deep feelings for me. Until those weird moments a year ago where we almost had sex I always thought of him as just a goofy friend, never anything more, he wasn't my "type". There will be days I get home from work I will find very occasional emails or messages on my cell from him, I've tried not to step into that territory for if it is discovered my husband will find out if his wife finds me out and although I know the marriage is shot to ****** I am trying hard to make it work. Yet at work we still carry on like always and it seems that there now is major sexual tension between us, we just haven't taken that step over the edge. Is it possible that although we never had sex we are still having an affair although we only encounter each other at work? I've never, ever seeked him out outside of work, nor do I really seek him out at work. He just pops up out of nowhere when he seems to "need" me. On the other hand he has seeked me out outside of the workplace. I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong here, we didn't have sex we are not having an affair. What is complicating this situation is the fact he seems to really have feelings for me, why did feelings have to be involved? Just a friendship, adults of opposite sex can be very good loving friends and there is nothing wrong with it even though they are married. This is possible isn't it? The answer to the million dollar question you all may ask....yes I think I love him, no I know I do. I in deep sh#$! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It is called emotional affair.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you found us. What you are having is an emotional affair.

Unless you want to have the guilt of breaking up two marriages, I suggest you quit your job. After having no contact with him, you will be in a position to work on your marriage.

You say you didn't have sex, but what happened when you almost had sex? Kissing? Touching? If so, you took the affair to the physical level.

Just friends do not have any "sexual tension"....sexual tension is when you want to screw and you don't...

you my dear will...eventually with his guy unless it ends

Believer, I am working on quiting my job, believe me. I shouldn't have to sacrafice my yearly gross income therefore this is taking more time and effort than I expected. I look everyday and I want to leave for I can't deal with this everyday torment. There was no kissing that day, hugging doesn't count, does it? Honestly though, there wasn't anything sexual behind the hugging, atleast in my mind. That's just it, I know this is wrong and I try very hard to avoid but he always seems to find me and wants my attention and I cave in because of the feelings between us. I know my marriage is over but I don't want to be responsible for someone elses destruction. I didn't seek him out, he seeked me out, and I'm talking all the way back when we became friends. I don't want to lose one of my best friends and there are days I feel he is pressing me to end my marriage just so he can move in for the kill.
I'm old enough to know better, so is he, I just don't know how this all came about. I wish I can go back to that point and put it back to the way it was. Now that it has gotten to this point I don't know how to stop it. We have talked about this and he tells me he doesn't want this to end and he doesn't want me to leave. I don't either and I'm so confused right now I don't know what I'm going to do.
As for working on my marriage, I just don't want to. I just haven't gathered enough courage to take that first step out. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to live with him either. Jumping off a bridge at this point would be a lot easier.

Your "best friends" don't press you to end your marriage.

If you feel no desire to work on your marriage, then do the honorable thing and get a divorce before you hook up with another man.

Ok, so I am in an emotional affair headed for an all out roll in the hay in which just a roll in the hay would be better for it would be done and over with. Since "emotions" are also involved I am doomed with a double whammy for feelings are involved and after that big moment happens someone might think they are in "love" and totally blow their marriage apart.
Honorable thing....get a divorce. I just want to make one point clear, I was not out looking for this. I was set in splitting up and being alone for the rest of my life. I was not looking for or longing to be with another man....ever. Once burned you learn how hot the fire is. This thing just happened at my most vulnerable moment although I swore off vulnerbility for life.
This just happened. Ending this thing is not going to be as easy as just ending it. My husband in this saga is not an angel and has not been a nice spouse to me. I'm the one who kept at it like a good sport and tried to make it work for many years. After awhile a person gets tired of getting torn down. I'm not right in letting this happen but my spouse sure isn't a victim in this story.
I've never even heard of an emotional affair....

Everyone here whose affair started with an emotional one, was "not looking". It is just the way these things happen. It is extremely common.

I hope you will keep reading here. You will see the same story - over and over and over.

He's still your spouse, and your actions by allowing such close contact and accepting the other man's expressions of feelings and his attention are part of that allowing behavior.

I will be reading this site inside out. I am really upset with myself right now for letting things get this far. Not so much for myself/husband but for the OW, she doesn't deserve this. I have morals and I don't want to see anyone hurt do to anything I did especially if I could prevent it.
This said, all I could do is leave the job for I can't work in the same place with him, seeing him everyday. Yes, I guess emotions are involved, for this will hurt way too much. I rather hurt than hurt others, rather I burn in the fire than torching innocent people.
I have a lot of reading and learning to do, thanks.
OUCH! Bellvue that stings!

You understand that you're following a script don't you? Read this forum, read what others have had to say about their affairs....
You may not have "looked" for an affair but it appears that you're welcoming one. There really is not a difference except in theory right?

Look, if you're not here to work on your marriage then perhaps you're in the wrong place. There are plenty of people who came here with "doomed, hopeless marriages" that resulted with affairs taking place, sometimes with both spouses being a WS. You have recognized what is wrong, take teh next step and decide what you should do next. Leave married men alone, even if you do get a divorce. Does your husband know just how bad his marriage is?

Yes, he knows how bad the marriage is. Maybe I am just so mad at him right now it just feels good to say I don't care anymore. We are approaching the 15 yr mark, you don't just throw it away, right? Leave married men alone....I registered the thought since. Not that I was seeking this guy out already! I've had male friends before. I have a very dear, close male friend still, I would never ever dream of messing with him! And what about the rotten guys who seek out married women?
Men and Women can't be "friends" ever? Come on already, I am having a hard time with that one yet this is what I am sensing, a rule never to be broken. You get married never ever talk to the opposite sex again for it may lead to an affair.
I'm sorry, maybe I don't belong here.

u r married.....where do you belong?

Yes, hugging counts. No one answered that so I though I would. In fact, you stepped over the line the first time you let him stroke your arm and tell you how sad he is that your marriage is so terrible. He stepped over the line too...even IF he's telling the truth. That's not a given. Guess what? People lie. I'm sure you are absolutely certain this guy would never do that. Sure.

As you say, there's an honorable way to do this and, though you don't identify it as such, there's another way that can scar two families for life. If you're in a bad marriage, IF you've tried counseling and more will not help, IF you've tried to meet his emotional needs and get him to meet yours, IF you've put everything you could into the and it's still not working...fine, do the right thing and get a divorce. Sh1t happens. All marriages don't work out.

But all that MUST be separate from this thing you feel between you and what might well be a predator male. Even in your meager posts, there are signs he is just that…a predatory male looking for a score.

However, let’s assume he’s not. EVEN IF HE ISN’T, if you continue with this emotional affair--it's called adultery, by the way--and let it drift into a physical one too, then you are going to cause yourself an immense amount of pain, you'll destroy your husband, wreck your "lover's" marriage, devastate his wife and children and wound everyone else in your extended families. Look at the statistics. The overwhelming majority of instances where adulterers try to make a life together do not, they cannot, work out and you’ll be left alone and hurting. You think the torment you feel is bad now, multiply it by 10X. That’s where your life will be, Lady.

I'm big on personal responsibility. Please develop some self-discipline and don’t make the worst mistake you can ever make.

Come on, now. No one said you couldn't have friends of the opposite sex. I think we both know that your relationship has gone beyond friendship.

Why are you so angry at your husband?

In your case this appears to be true. You allowed it to cross the line once...even when "not looking for it"....

Look....certain folks can "justify" anything in their heads...you just need to decide what you're doing...clearly there are some huge issues.....

Hi SMF,
I am the betrayed spouse of an emotional affair.

My husband was always honorable.

He never declared his love to the ow, he just knew that he loved her, even though she was married, and all those feelings he had for her, made him decide that if he loved her, he couldn't possiblly love me.

Everything that I did became an irriatation to my spouse.

He found fault with everything I did, said, etc. etc.

The ow also said that she could be just friends with men. Yeah, right.

She lead my husband on, paying him a considerable amount of attention, and she enjoyed my husbands attention.

My husband didn't even know what hit him.

He, like you, felt that the honorable thing to do was to get a divorce.

The point I am getting at, is that his thinkng was clouded by his obsession with the ow.

His feelings were based on unrealistic perception of a woman that had yet to prove herself human, who snores in bed, stinks up the bathroom and leaves the cap off the toothpaste.

Every ws thinks that they haven't loved their spouse in years, and they rewrite history to help their conscience live witht the fact that they are destroying their own character, their partner's trust and ruining their children's family life.

So hold off on saying you are going to divorce your spouse. From the sounds of it, your emotional affair has been going on for awhile and you need to establish no contact for at least of few months before you will be over the influences of the om. Only then will you be able to decide what you will do with a clear head.

The way I looked at it. Finding a new relationship has headaches of it own. Generally, people bring their own excess baggage into them, often with children in tow which complicates relationships.

So, for myself, I would rather work on my existing marriage, and work hard to create the marriage I desire. After all, my husband and I will be bumping into each other for the rest of our lives because of our children and grandchildren.

I am partly angry at him for the same reasons I have posted this post except it was just " a one night stand". Every since that moment he changed and has been hateful, for a good 3 years until one day he woke up and wanted to be "forgiven".
No, I didn't run but forgetting is not easy. I'm still with him 4 yrs after the fact. Why am I angry? No I'm not getting even.
Kds~words of wisdom, I've read your post over and over. All these posts for that matter. I am truly ready to lose it. Stay with the creep who although robbed me of what I though was a faithful marriage and has "seen the Light"? Follow this other "thing" through with someone I thought was a friend who in fact may be a predatory male?
Predatory Male? Now I am scared for I really thought I knew this guy well enough to even see something like that coming.
Ok, now I can honestly say I am terrified.
The more I think of it I am horrified!!! I can stop this thing, honestly I can. I am breaking this thing off and I'm going to have a friend present when i talk to him. As for my husband...I don't know what is going to happen but it's good advice to stop this other thing and see where my mind and feelings are after the fact.
Only thing is, I've tried to stop this spiraling tunnel to ****** before.
What if he doesn't leave me alone? Leaving the job is one thing but I'm not hard to find.

First off,
DO NOT MEET WITH HIM. Send a no contact letter.

Go buy Surving an Affair by Dr Harley. You need to read it for two reasons- recovering from your husband's betrayal and stopping this EA before it goes any further.

Do you have vacation time? Take it and use the time to find another job.

No one is here because they have a perfect marriage. It is very possible to rebuild a good marriage from the rubble that is your present marriage. It is not easy or painless, but it is possible.

It will take a commitment for this to happen.

Please see about getting some counseling. Individual and Marriage would be a huge benefit for you. Please find a counselor who is pro marriage. If possible, call the Harleys and do phone counseling.

Read all of the information on this site.

Keep posting and reading. Understand if someone comes down hard on you, it is because they have walked this path and know the pain that awaits either as the betrayed spouse or the wayward spouse. No matter our title, we are her due to pain and a desire to rebuild our relationships.