SMFRY,

I am a BS of my WH's EMOTIONAL AFFAIR. My D Day was 3/30/05...almost a year now. What you are having is a typical textbook discription of an emotional affair. The emotional affair my H had almost killed me. It fractured my very soul. I was in very grave danger of losing his heart to OW and I was completely devastated. Probably the single most trecherous asspect of an EA is the fact that it can be "justified" by the WS because of the common belief that if there is no s-- there is no A. If you have any sexual tension between the 2 of you and if you profess feelings for this OP you HAVE BETRAYED YOUR H......BIG TIME...IT IS INFIDELITY PLAIN AND SIMPLE......IT WILL BRING BOTH YOUR H AND YOU A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF PAIN TO CONTINUE. For your sake and your families' sake get serious about rebuilding you M....do it now. AND DON'T FOR ONE SECOND ELUDE YOURSELF INTO BELIEVING YOU DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR!!

Blessings,
Tare

Just a link for you to ponder:

Link to American values study on divorce and happiness

http://www.americanvalues.org/html/does_divorce_make_people_happy.html

I am not telling you what to do...just consider and reconsider making drastic decisions amounst the emotional turmoil you find yourself in. The emotional turmoil is what guided you here...I suppose. You're conflicted. I suggest you remove the turmoil by disassociating yourself from OM and see what happens. Then you will be in a position to make a concerted - well thought out and unbiased and real assesment of your sitch and figure out what to do.

I also don't have to hammer you with what the right thing to do is...deep down you already know.

ACT like the woman and wife you'd always wanted and expected yourself to be and don't REACT and allow "emotions" for OM to befuddled the situation. I purpose you owe your husband, your kids and yourself that.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I am a dog and I had an affair. I am sick with all of what has transpired and I was not out for an eye for an eye. It is hard for a person to admit guilt or wrong doing sometimes. You never hear about "emotional affairs" and I am just dumb founded over stumbling in here and learning about its existance.
I can't change what has happened but I am certainly determined to stop it.

No, you are not a dog. You are a human being who messed up. No one on this site can say they have not messed up.

Now that you know you have messed up, it is up to you to make the changes.

Brainstorm here- post your thouhts and your plans and folks will encouurage you to do the right thing.

Smfry, NO, you’re NOT a dog. Heck, the fact that you’ve come here is absolute proof that you are not. Good people get confused from time to time.

Look, I think breaking it off with this guy is exactly the right thing to do, but the “terrified” comment concerns me greatly. Please relax and sort things out, okay? Of course, your "friend" can have predatory instincts. He seeks you out? You feel him "pushing you" to divorce your husband? Those are big red flags, Lady. If you're horrified, that tells me you're thinking of other instances where he's gone over the line. You haven’t refuted my comment about him commiserating with you about your terrible marriage. I assume he’s done just that or something very similar.

Smfry, what he’s been doing are common seduction techniques. But, don't be terrified of him. My goodness. “Predatory,” in the context in which I used it, means only that he’s on the prowl, looking for a fling with a married woman. I did not mean to imply he’d obsessed and a danger to you.

Now, that having been said, why DID you interpret it that way? Are things suddenly coming to mind that are suddenly coming into focus? If you have, tell us, and we’ll do our best to help you, all right?

Moveforward had some good words for you. It’s abundantly clear you have not resolved the issues surrounding your husband’s affair (ONS, maybe?) from 4 years ago. You and your husband desperately need a pro-marriage couples counselor right now. By the way, you’re not supposed to forget what he did. You’re supposed to determine the conditions in which it came to be, work on those, and, with God’s grace, see if you can’t find a way to forgive him.

I’ve re-read your entire thread and didn’t see any mention of his affair until your last post. It’s a good thing you have finally broached it. Perhaps you should talk more about it. We don’t mind.

Perhaps you could explain what you mean by I've tried to stop this spiraling tunnel to ****** before. Something there is bothering you but it’s not clear what it is.

Hang in there Smfry. We’re here to help you.

I have been in your spot smfry13. I had a 'friendship" that I couldn't (wouldn't) let go of. I truly thought a man and a woman married to other people could have a "friendship". I was wrong. You need to focus on you and why you believe this happened to you. I know you said your marriage is a mess, but still you are married and having anything to do with another man like you are is wrong. I don't even believe one should email or instant message another person of the opposite sex while married, relationship over or not. I wish you the best and even though this maybe tough, you need to tell your husband about it. You can't live a lie like this. Your sins find you out.
Keep listening to the advice on here. Some of it is good. You coming on this site like you have is a good sign for you. I wish I would have found it sooner!! God Bless
P.S. I really like what Believer said, " your "best friend" doesn't press you to end your marriage." I think that is what was said. I don't think any real friend would. That is something you have to decide on your own. God Bless!!

smfry,

I am a FWW. I have been through exactly what is happening to you. Sadly I did not think clearly and fell for OM. If I could turn back and change things, I would. It's been a few months and I still hurt like if it just happened. Be careful, if this guy really cares he would not be hurting his wife. All he wants it's to get with you and then once it's done and over with you will be the one left hurting. The reason I say this is because it's obvious you have feelings for him by what you have written. Just be careful. Being in this situation... I do not wish it on NO ONE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ok Longhorn, i'll try here.
A little about myself, I've only EVER been with my husband, period. (sex)
I've confided in the OM, remember he was my FRIEND, we talked a lot about everything and it all seemed so darn innoncent. He knows a lot about what is going on inside of my marriage, I was hurt, I needed to talk, he always walks in on us girls at work and hangs out at lunch time. I seen him as a caring harmless person. Next thing you know it, he is very keen on me/likes me too much obviously. He is always asking about the progress of my "situation" aka oncoming divorce. Always telling me I need to tie the relationship off now, the sooner the better. I run into him a lot, more than just a coincidence outside of work.(?)
He is in a bad marriage but blames everything on his wife. Don't know whether it is all her, obviously one sided. I am an easy person to talk to, a very good listener, I like to help people, I thought I was helping him by being a very good friend. He lacks affection from his wife (just affection, nothing more, no I didn't!), I am a very affectionate person. Now he can't seem to leave me alone at work, I'm always seeing him. When the word predator came up it startled me. I have tried to break it off, told him no more but it never ever sticks. It just seems to get deeper every time I have tried to break it off. I've never ever been in a situation like this before, and I honestly didn't see it coming. If I can erase it I would but I can't. Finding a new job, yes I can do this however he still will be able to find me. NO doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary and I guess I am so weak minded and broken up inside I am fool enough to go back for more.
I've tried in the past to convince myself that he was stalking me but somehow it didn't fit. I've been trying to put a name to my situation ever since. In saying this I am not ducking out on my responsibility to my mess, I know I am as much to blame for allowing it all to happen. I was hurt, still hurt from my husbands actions and this person made me feel happy. For a happy person I am awfully miserable.

All right...about this guy. I'm retired Air Force. I was in an administrative career field and supervised tons of people in an office setting not too much different from civilian life. In my 26 years as supervisor, I have never known a man who just “dropped by (the) girls at work” to be looking for a woman he could console just because he was a nice guy. The roles can be switched around, by the way. There are women who do the same thing.

There’s a clear pattern in what you’ve said about him.

Now, let me suggest to you that you don’t know if he’s in a bad marriage at all. You haven’t said you’ve witnessed his wife being cruel to him. Unless you have, all you have is his word. Frankly, in view of his conduct around you, I wouldn’t believe a word he said about his relationship with his wife. Chances are, his wife might be startled to discover she’s so abusive. I’m not suggesting you should call his wife and start asking questions, but the idea is intriguing.

If he is stalking you, there are certain legal steps that need to be taken, but the chances are he actually saw that when you said no, you really had not convinced yourself you didn’t want to see him again. It doesn’t mean you’re weak…don’t say that. It means you are having problems in your marriage and you were lonely. You were vulnerable and off your guard and he took advantage of that.

Moveforward mentioned a No Contact letter. I think that is a good route to go. It puts things everything down on paper and gives him no wiggle room. You have to mean it, Smfry. I think from what you’ve said this evening, you do. If he ignores the NC letter, then you’ll need to take other steps.

Are the previous attempts what you meant by the spiraling down in the tunnel?

You have recognized your relationship with your husband is miserable. You’ve written about how the OM took advantage of you and has been filling your emotional needs--he’s made you happy. You haven’t told us about any counseling you two have received, are getting, or are planning on. What’s the status of that?

Yes the previous attempts to stop this have failed, I only crawl deeper into this mess than before and he takes more of me everytime. I believe he is geniune, I am discovering how stupid I have been acting. No, I have no proof of his wife's abusiveness, should I call her? LOL, just kidding, I won't burn a whole in her heart, never.
My husband is finally, I mean finally agreeing to go to counseling with me. He fought me on it for the longest time.

All right. Sounds like you have a good idea you need to separate yourself from him once and for all. Don't back off on your resolve.

Counseling is going to be your salvation. I suppose there are people out there who reconcile without having a counselor who can give you both a non-judgmental forum where you can air your grievances...but those people are far and few between.

Now, I don’t want to push you further than you can go. You’ve achieved some remarkable insights into yourself tonight already. But, there is more you need to do, isn't there? I suspect you already know what it is.

Yes, there is. I'm talking to my husband in the morning. I pray this gives me the strength needed to end this craziness. He may want to put an end to me but atleast I won't be carrying this around any longer. This won't be pretty.

Truly awesome stuff LH (and others)

From this post at 2:38 this afternoon:


To this at 12:16 tonight:



YOU are truly a decisive person and I commend you for your ability to process the information and posts you've seen today and make such a great decision in so little time. You are currently the Marriage Builder's land speed SUCCESS record holder at less than 10 hours. Congrats.

Take the 1st step, nothing more/nothing less and the rest will follow. Don't second guess your decision...it is the right thing to do no matter the results.

Remember...your actions speak louder than your words. The real courage is in the doing. Tell your husband...Get 'er done.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering...thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to....

smfry...keep coming here for open and honest feedback...We believe that most marriages can be saved from divorce if the appropiate steps are taken. However, if they do fail ,and unfortunately some do, we can help you. You are not alone....

keep us posted...

I owe in the least to tell you guys who stuck by me through yesterday and listened to my selfish whining what happened with H this morning. It wasn't pleasant and he didn't take it well at all. I took his little roll in the hay a lot better.
I tried to calmly explain all of it to him but the second he heard the word EA aka A he flipped and it took a lot of effort to get him to listen to me long enough to explain. He left the house about 2 hours ago who knows if he'll be back.
At the moment part of me doesn't even care, I know it is wrong to feel this way but ******, that's what started all of this in the first place, his lack of caring 4 years ago all the way to about a year ago when he woke up. No wonder i found my self astray. I just expected a little more understanding and a little less drywall repair. I think we both need a long cooling of period.
I am following through and writing that no contact letter, if this om really cared about me he never would have pressed me into this situation although I know I am fully responsible for my own actions.
Yes MrW, amazing....I think I just needed the support and a name to what i was doing and where i was headed. If i truly thought what I was doing was right I never would have posted here. I've learned a lot~thanks to those who helped.

Go out today and buy surviving an affair. You guys both need to read it if he will. It helps so much.

Hi, Smfry. Kudos to you for realizing you came to MB to gain a support group for what you knew, deep down, was the right thing to do. It takes a strong person to do that. Secondly, your courage in speaking immediately with your husband speaks volumes about your character and integrity.

It may take a while for your husband to come to grips with what you told him. This isn't a computer game where everything is resolved in an hour or less. Yesterday, I saw clues in your posts that you haven't resolved his affair in your mind either. I think he needs to know that, if he doesn't all ready. While, as human beings we are each completely responsible for our own actions, your husband should know how his actions helped set up the conditions for your vulnerability.

That’s not giving you a free pass--you’re still responsible for the things you do. It was your EA and you need to “own” it. On the other hand, he needs to own his also. In recognizing he helped set the conditions for you straying off line, it offers him the opportunity to show a little understanding. In return, how he got to the place where he committed his infidelity needs to be explored, and you have an opportunity there to give him understanding. In understanding, you both can find and give forgiveness.

You and your husband can salvage your marriage. Others have gotten beyond where you two are now and built marriages that will never break down again. But, as I said yesterday, you badly need a professional, pro-marriage counselor. Please find one soon.

Also, it might be advantageous--you know your husband…we do not--for him to come here also. As you have seen, sometimes it just needs a little nudge for a person to do the right thing. Who knows?

Moveforward recommended the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard F. Harley. It’s an excellent, excellent place to start for both you and your husband. For something that bears directly on your circumstances, I would also suggest the book Not “Just Friends” by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. Both are generally available on Half.com or their sister site Ebay.com.

While you’re reading, how about taking a look at the “Most Popular Links” near the top, right side of the GQ Forum page. You can read “Dr. Harley’s Basic Concepts” as a starter, for instance. You and your husband definitely need to understand emotional needs and should take the “Emotional Needs Questionnaire.” Very important!

Hang in there, Lady. The road will be rocky getting your marriage back but others, with less going for them, have managed it. You and your husband can also.

SmFry:

I was thinking I was reading my wife's story about her accidental workplace EA. Hugging and kissing began and she too knew she was over her head. She was tormented by her love for her OM and the family she had to give up for him.

My FWW rewrote the history of our marriage to justify her actions. My bad traits became marriage breaking traits. She felt like it was ok to leave the kids because they were almost grown up anyway. She lowered her moral values, her Christian views, and and her views of right and wrong to justify the affair.

Two years past DD, she talks of the OM's selfishness, how he pursued her daily, how he was immoral, how he didn't care about the breakup of the family, and how he was really in love with love and not with her. Her EA has changed us both forever. The pain of the affair was unbearable, the sleepless nights, the tears, the breaking of the Oath of Marriage. It is all wrapped up into the price of the affair.

Your marriage seemed worse after you started feeling good for the OM. Your disconnect with your H happened simultaneously with you connecting with your OM and you don't feel like you really want to go back to the same marriage as before. Trust me, now that you told him, it will never be the same. Your relationship with the OM has no history, no cornerstone, and no real substance. Your marriage has history, love, and real love. When you experience pain, births, death, and life, it takes the fun out of life and marriage but it is a choice two people with mature love accept to carry together. Your OM and you built your relationship on lies, deceit, and your infidelities to your spouses. It is a relationship built from the depth of he77.

My wife finally walked away from her job. She gave up her needed income and our family insurance. Until you quit, you remain vulnerable to the OM and your addiction will be filled. If you consumate your affair with sex, you will be totally confused. The OM may have got what he wanted, which was sex, and you confuse lust and love as one. Men don't love as much as they lust.

You will ruin your reputation before it is all over and you will be labeled the adulterous woman that cheated on her husband.

You need to end the affair NOW or you may lose everything that was supposed to be, you family. You have no idea what you are doing to your family. Please stop it immediately.

TooSoon

TooSoon, darn it...she's writing a NC letter and is looking for a new job. The OM is not in her workplace--he just "comes by." She's exposed herself to her husband all ready, just one day after realizing what she was getting into. What more can she do in the space of 24 hours?

She is going to look for another job, as well. That was posted on a page or 2 back.