I have been posting under a different name but my wife has been reading everything. She thinks this site is full of angry people who give bad advice. So I have had to change my user name.


Where do I begin, my W and I have been married for 10 years. She is an avoider and doesn’t like to communicate on any real level. This has caused real problems in our marriage. She has also had intimacy issues with me the entire relationship.

In August, she threw up her hands and said she wanted to leave. She decided she wanted o go to therapy by her self. I found out she was working on getting stronger so she could leave. I couldn’t believe it.

I decided to go to therapy and work on my own issues that might be part of the problem. I finally got her to reluctantly go to couples therapy in September. We have been going since trying to convince her this marriage is worth saving.

This entire time she decided she needed more independent time so I let her take off on Sundays while I watched our 7 year old boy.

She also started work late every night. She moved into the spare bedroom and has been very very distant and cold to me.

She finally admitted she has been having a very passionate affair with a guy at work. He broke up with his girlfriend and wants my W very badly. My wife just turned 40 and we have been married for 10 years. They have been telling each other that they love each other. She is telling me that she does not love me any more BUT she wants me to keep stay in the house and don’t get an attorney just yet. She says she is torn but it would not be fare to work on the marriage when she feels the pull of this guy.

She seems to have no remorse and wanted to continue this affair. In fact, she is moving out and wants to see if the relationship can work. She says she feels very comfortable with him sexually and can talk to him unlike me. On the other hand, I am a roommate and she says she never wants to sleep with me again. She says she wants her own place and doesn’t want to live with him.

She see how hard I have tried to show her I love her and to stay home but she says she needs to do this. I am feeling a little out of control at the moment. I feel so sad for my son. I am from a divorced family and I know the pain. I just don’t get it, she is running away from her issues.

Help.

I have been doing plan a for months. Her parents will not talk to her but she doesn't care. She wants to find an apartment and try out this new relationship. She wants to have our son 3-4 days a week. This is insane! She wants to go through with this even though she admits seeing dramatic changes in me. She says it is amazing how I have displayed little or no anger which was one of her problems with me.

She has had intimacy issues with me from day one. She won't tell me what they are but she says she does not have that problem with the OM. She says she can talk to him unlike me. I just don't get it. She is running away from dealing with her own issues.

She will be loosing full custody of her son, a man who loves her, a house, her parents, friends, $$$, life style.

She doesn't let up. There is no remorse since the affair was discovered.

I had an affair 7 years ago and came home groveling. She found out by the boyfriend calling my wife. We went to counseling but she has always brought it up in fights.

She said when her affair began she didn't feel bad at all but then she saw me working on the marriage and tried to break it off in December but couldn't.

It is a strong affair. He is single (broke up with his girlfriend to be with my wife).

Her work knows about the affair but they don't have a policy about people seeing each other as long as it's not in the same department.

It's not looking good. As painful as it is..I need her to leave the house. My friends don't have much advice for me any more. She really isn't the type to have an afair. She said it was really eating at her when she had to do all the lying.

Any suggestions?

If you have done a strong plan A then it sounds like she moves out and you go to plan b. Are you ready for that?

I don't know? She just found an apartment that is month to month. It is maybe 3 miles away if that. She said it would be good to "swap" my son. I told her that I did nnot want to see her and that she will have to drop my son off at my mom's house. She told me that she is not making it a love nest...yeah right!

This is what's al about. I spent 5 months in couple therapy with her and she lied about having an affair the entire time.

She has been so very cold to me. She just tranfered her love on to this other guy. He is like a golden boy to her.

He is 35, single, with no kids. Why does he wnat my wife who is 40 and has a 7 year old?!!!

His ex-girlfriend did look just like my wife though.

I realy feel like I am in a movie. We do have a good life, I don't get it.

She does have her issues with our marriage and she is finding everything wrong with it to justify what she is doing.

I feel like this is going to continue for quite some time. I am giivnf it 6 months.

Depressed,

Sounds a lot like what I put up with…..I feel for you. I will assume that your exposure is complete both on your family side and any pressure that can be brought to bear on his side.

Remember that plan A is not about being nice. It is about respecting yourself, protecting your son and not idly standing by while someone continues to disrespect the marriage anymore than they already have. I would reconsider being the caregiver while WW gallivants on her Sundays. If she is using you as her childcare while she runs around like a cat in heat, that must end.

If she has access to joint accounts close them and give her half the assets within. Cancel the credit cards and get another. SEE A LAWYER AND EDUCATE YOURSELF IN FAMILY LAW IN YOUR JURISDICION! Do not tell her you have or are going to do this. I’m not suggesting your file; I’m suggesting you get informed. Why does she assume she will get your son half the time? What can you do to prevent your son from being exposed to the profane lifestyle she is about to expose him to. Do you really think that she won’t have OM over there with your son around? See if you can legally prevent that and get full custody of your son. Keep a journal of the events both from a therapeutic view and to have documentation of her antics if need be in court. If a legal separation is required to firm up the agreement, consider it.

Prepare for her departure….it will hurt, but it will be a relief of sorts. My WW sat at our kitchen table and alluded to how sexually uninhibited she feels with OM. That is seared into my memory and for the life of me I can’t imagine why I didn’t, at that very instant, help her move out by quickly relocating her entire wardrobe onto our front lawn.

Once she is out…..give her a plan B letter. Post it here first so we can all have a go at it. Get a display phone so you can ignore her calls. Do not let her convey messages via your son. Have an alternate communication route in place that removes you from the crap she presently spews.

You will emerge from this stronger and with a different perspective. Give yourself a time limit for plan B too………likely you will feel so much better from not being exposed to her disrespect, you may wonder how you put up with it for so long. People usually stay far too long in plan A, so long that plan B turns into a plan D as their soul begins to sigh with relief.

Hi,

It doesn't sound like your wife and you are together any more. I don't know but my wife seems so very confused and keeps talking about independence. I don't think she knows all the consequences to her actions yet. i think she is reaally going to miss her life and her son. I mean, maybe this is love she feels for this guy. I know we have some real issues but it seems so much to give up and all our history together...it's got to hit her at some point.

You are right about legal help even though everything is fine right now. She makes more money than I do.

She keeps apologizing to me that she is doing it and that I deserve someone who really will love me .

I think I need to wake up and smell the coffee but once again, I feel like she is in a deep fog.

Are you sure the girlfriend is out of the picture? You need to ask her yourself, dont take your wife or OM's word for it.

Have you exposed their affair to the workplace? If not, why?

Her logic is flawed. Just because she feels 'the pull' of this guy doesn't mean she should leave. This 'pull' is called addiction (to dopamine). That's why she's acting cold and rude, she's an addict needing her drug.

Don't encourage her to leave, and definately don't leave the house yourself. Make her do the work.

I just spoke with her best friend and I just spoke with her best friend and she told me that my W is totally scared about her decision to move out. She was glad that she found a month to month apartment to rent. I want her to be scared. I want her to feel the reality of her aweful decision.

I have told her already be ready for no contact with me. I don't think she believes me but I am so ready to have some space from her.

We are going to couples therapy tonight to talk about how this is going to work and how we are going to break it to our son. He is the one who will be hurt the most. I am hoping that will wake her uop as well.

She feels she needs to go through with this since she has caused so much pain in both families.

This sure is a mid-life crisis. She is 41 and dating a 34 year old. What does he want with a woan with a little boy...he will not be #1 in her life.

This is insane! I can't believe how I have hung in there and displayed no anger what so ever. This was one of the reasons why my W said she was leaving me.

Yeah, this is totally logical. The other day I tripped on the last step of my stairs and bumped my knee. I figured since I was already hurt I went to the top of the stairs and threw myself down the whole flight.

Well, I need to let her fall down all the way. She needs to hit rock bottom...I have. When I did I made some amazing relizations in my life. This whole experience has made me a better person. This is why my W is so torn up right now.

She is not good for me in the house the way she is. I can't compete with this OM right now. Some reality in to their affair will be good. She will be leading a double life with a few days as a mother and then trying to play the "single" person with him. We have agreed that he will not go near my son. Her father has made that clear as well. She will not have any childcare support as well.

I actually called his ex-girlfriend and asked her if she knew what was going on and she said I don't want to ge involved. I think she was in the picture iin the beginning.

I am very scared about all of this. This is about my wife NOT wanting to face her issues. This is about a man who has taken advantage of a vulnerable woman.

I have been reading "Surviving an Affair" and I am reading about my W. Unfortuneatly it is the "soulmate" affair she is in. She says no one has ever ttreated her so well. No one has ever connected with her like he does.

This is very hurtful to hear.

Am I a fool to be hanging around here? I was a child when my parents got divorced, my life was never the same. My wife is from a family where she thinks her parents should have divorced. She has no idea how terrible divorce really is.

Our marriage has it's problems but it really wasn't bad at all.

People are giving me all sorts of advice; divorce her, wait 6 months, move on, start dating!