I posted this in the "just found out" section and am posting here as well, sorry fo the double post, but I am not sure where it belongs.....

I feel very fortunate to have found this site and hope it helps me put my trainwreck of a marriage back together.

What happened?
About 4 years ago, my wife and I were seperated for reasons that I cannot even really remember. Nothing really "serious", probably just immaturity on both sides. I was living with a friend at the time (same sex) and at party being held there, the unthinkable happened. I cheated on my wife. All in all, we (myself and the third party)got together probably 4 times in the matter of about 1 month. The biggest mistake of my life. For sure.

My wife and I got back together, but the relationship was so "touchy" for a while, I never brought up what I had done. I have been packing this around for 4 years. Occasionally, it really bothered me, but I was learning to live with my mistake.

Our relationship has been in a much better state as of late, we have been opening up to eachother more, and there has been a much higher sense of respect around the house. Everything about her and the relationship have been amazing. Except for me, I had baggage. She was asking me about that time we were seperated, specifically, if I had "done anything".

I couldn't help it. I thought if I got it off my chest it would be a good thing. I also wanted to, after 4 years, be completely honest.

I told her.

As you can expect, she is not amused, and I have turned the marriage down another bumpy road.

I need her to believe it hasn't happened since.

I need her to believe in me again.

We are still together, and I am doing all that I can, but I almost don't even know where to begin. I can feel the pure resentment/jealousy/hurt/......even hate from her every time she looks at me. I want to fix the relationship, I hope she wants to as well.....

Any advise, I want my wife/marraige/life back.

I know I screwed up, and I wouldn't have told her if I didn't love her, and think wecouldn't get past it. But on a sick second note, it is nice to not have the baggage......anymore...

Welcome to MB

You did the right thing. Your honesty did not hurt your relationship at all, your cheating did. Your honesty is what is the long-run may allow it to work out.

Stick around...this place is truly blessed.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.-this is the right board to post on...busiest

Andy-
Honesty is the best policy, but sometimes the most painful policy. I've been where your wife is, now. I'm sorry for the pain that you both are experiencing. I can see you're truly sorry for your actions. That, alone, will help with her pain, even if it doesn't show right now. Alot of the time, the WS won't show remorse for their actions, but instead, make excuses. So you've made it thru the first step, with your honesty.

NOW...you will need ALOT of patience!!! You'll need to allow her to grieve in ways I'm sure you've never imagined, and to allow her the time it takes for her to do it. Offer marriage counseling, and read the material here with her. Show her this site, and support in her reaching out.

There is still hope, just going to take some time and patience!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Prayers to you both...

Jennifer

Andy,

Understand that the weight that was lifted from you has to go somewhere. It is now on your wife. The knowledge that she now has is heavy and painful. It will take time. I am sincerely glad that you came here and are posting. MB principles will greatly help your marriage and its chance for restoration.

Read up on everything on this site. Get a copy of Surviving the Affair. Memorize it and give it to your wife. Read it together if she's open to it. Also - continue to be humble and honest. Open your life to her and become transparent. Offer whatever level of accountability she desires. These things help to restore trust.

Keep posting.

Andy,
I am your BS.
Very similar.


4 years ago WH had A. but he just came clean last week.

At the time, he had admitted to have an inappropriate EA (ok i outed him which led to the end)
Everything he had told me was a lie. When the A was going on I came to MB for support and have found myself back here.

I am new to all this too. So I will tell you what I will think will help you.
(vets please spare me harsh criticism for I have so much to learn)

The majority of the pain came to me when WH was in Fog.

The things he said and did to me (and our families) reads just like most stories here on the board. He was plain ugly and is embarassed by the alien he was.

I am assuming your wife didn't have the knowledge to help her sort through the [email]sh@#$#[/email] you were shoveling.

In her eyes you have lied in everything you did and said at the time and since then. She will question your motivation for everything and her memories are tainted. She is probably raw.

The best thing he has done is to be Patient and Honest.
He has made himself vulnerable - this is the best gift.
B/c even when I didn't know the truth there was always something right there under the surface that affected everything(it's replaced with a temporary burning poison)

Just a week ago, I felt doomed to an ugly marriage that wasn't fulfilling that I couldn't quite fix and didn't know why. Now we that the sickness has a name. And have filled out the questionaires and read and discussed the BP.

Keep reading.
and encourage her to do the same.
I get comfort from all the successes I've found here.

Now I feel a strange refreshment from the renewed honesty and commitment he has shown to our M.
We are having a very difficult time now.
I find myself obsessed with asking questions but the realities of the answers are actually easier to deal with than the pain of the imaginary scenarios I concoct in my head.


Try to spend as much time with her as you can.
I am a SAHM so idol time has been spent seeking answers thru MB and questioning my husband.

But I'm here on the other end. if I can shed some light or offer advice.

I can tell you that I am so hopeful and optimistic about the possibilities of the future. I hope you and your wife are too.
Good Luck.
Michelle

Me(BS) 31
Married 6/01
WH PA # 1 12/01
WH PA #2 3/02
DD #1 10/03
DD # 3/09