Ok Im not going to repeat my sitch. But before Xmas i gave my WH an ultimatum as to if he was coming home or not, He was always saying while he was out of the house, that he was committed to us and the M and that he loved me but I always questioned it as his actions didn't match his words. So in short he finally said that he does and he doesnt want to come back he his very confused, (He is on AD meds). He sent me a very long email that night

"I know this is a little way to late

I don’t know where to start.

I have talked to you before about how I move on, just completely cutting all ties etc.

I have never felt the love FROM someone the way you have loved me ,

I have never done anything to deserve that love , in fact I have done what could be considered the ultimate in not deserving that love.



But my problem still remains … I can not love you the way you love me , it is not a matter of me deciding that I don’t want to,

But more a matter of something missing in me that enables me to love anyone

If you look at my life and the people I have come in contact with … even maria even though it maybe painful i have never been able to return anyone’s love.

My girls that I protest to love dearly , I can’t say I know what exactly that means, if they died I would be hurt deeply , but I know already that I would get over that.

I hate how I am, but also know that to change would only mean that I am putting on a false front.



Do you understand what I mean ?

I thought I could love you, returning the love you so freely gave me,

but even though I know I care about you I know deep down its not the same as what you feel for me.

I don’t understand how anyone could love me , there is things in my life that no other living soul knows things that would disgust you.

Things that have happened before I met you and things I do now.



I know you will want to know what but I will / can never let anyone to that point…

Its like knowing that if you tell someone that person will be repelled and lost forever.



I have already lost you , not by your doing but by mine.

Nothing I can do will make it right , if I told you I love you the way you love me it would be a lie, even if it meant us being back together how long before it all falls apart.

You say you cant understand how someone cannot feel after 5 years of being together.

Well look at it this way for 5 years I have tried to change , knowing that I will NEVER find another person like you that cared for me without question for me so long.



If you couldn’t tell I have had a couple of bears , Oh I am not wasted as in totally drunk but I am enough that I can tell you what you need to know.

You should move on forget me , I am not worth the effort or pain I have caused you.

I hate myself for not being able to love you the way you deserve, but to string you along would be so much worse.



In my own way I do love you for loving me , but I don’t like myself let alone love myself, how can I possibly love someone else.

Maria episode wasn’t about the sex , it was more a matter of me not understanding who I am…. What I am

I now do know to some degree , and that’s that I am not a loveable person ….

I do not and have never deserved the love you gave me.

I am so sorry I cannot talk like this to your face but I am a coward and [censored] …



I wont say with love because that would be such a corner thing to say

But I will say

I regret what I cannot give you.

I regret that what you need is so simple but I am unable to give you….



Forever in your debt

Now he has moved the rest of his belongings out of the house and is staying at the flat he got after DDay. After he moved all his stuff out he told me that he still wants to be part of my life and that he will always be around etc etc and sorry about the way things are.

Now fast forward, Since that day he has rung me numerous times and invited me over for coffee, taken me to movies invited me over the coffee and to watch movies etc. He also hugs and kisses me when he sees me and when I leave. Or there is a touch on the arm or leg. The other night at the movies he raised the arm of the seat and sat there during the movie holding my hand or resting his hand on my leg.

Now, My problem begins. I found in his emails a week or so ago this email from OW


"I hope you enjoyed those snakes tonight I did.
I know i am a small part of your problems,but seriously if you feel worse now because of our friendship end the friendship now don't drag yourself out we both will be fine. I don't want that to happen and i don't want to smother you i don't want to lose you , but you seem sad and i want you to remember me happy not sad, its ok i had no expectations of you i enjoyed you company I still beleive in the friends forever, just wish i could help you better, but i feel i just making it worse, I trying not to sound like emotional blackmail and i hope you understand where I coming from you are a good friend and if i am causing you pain lets get over it and move on I know you have other problems and i might be on the wrong track and if i on the wrong track and your just bummed out about other problems and you just want me to stop bugging you for a short while so be it we will meet up again later or if you having a hard time because you want to fullfill your promise and i told you to shove it last week. hmmmmmm you can always make another promise (hehehe wishful thinking hope it made you smile) look i just babbling again and i truily don't want to linger on this subject i just thought id ask you to truly let me know what to do i know you say your finding yourself but just give me some idea what you really think about me" Ok that is the gist of it. Now ok that seems clear cut.

I also found out today that he has added OW back on his Chat List.

Now my question is why is he still calling me and wanting to see me and kissing me and hugging me whenever he sees me If i dont contact him for a few days he always rings me or emails me to see what i am doing.

He is a free man now ( as in i have given him his space to sort out his issues I told him I would always be around but i not waiting for ever.)If he wanted a true seperation to see OW againwhy is he still calling me.

My point is I found out all these details by snooping and I don't know quite how to tell him to shove it basically as I will not play his game if he is still talking to her, but If i show my hand he will no i have snooped in his emials again and I know he will get very angry about it and I will probably lose him forever. I just don't know what to do with this information i have or the way he is treating me.

Sorry this was so long didn't mean it to be just wanted to give you all the facts so that you could give me some advice.

cheers






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Here's the advice:

Leave him alone.

Here is the reason:

1. He is babbling....even the stuff that sounds good 2 u.

2. His heart and mind are confused, not in sync.

3. Your H is trying to get out and the selfish WS is having a hard time holding him in....this is a good sign.

4. The sooner you go to plan B, the better. Why? Because the OW realizes she can't hold him either. The selfish side of the A is even trying to hurt the OW and expect her t/d a plan A then B.....but it won't work because she is an OW. It might appear to work for a while.

Ok, but you can't keep still so what should you do?

Here's my suggestion:

1. Learn to reverse babble.
2. He sends you that e-mail.....write a response....full of all your feelings, make it ia good one, then..... don't send it. Sit on it for a few days. Go back and make revisions......it is vital to let him wonder what you make of that letter.

3. The best thing is NOT to respond. Expect him to try and get you attention....when he does, be busy doing something else. When he asks why you don't respond, babble back something like: I thought you didn't want me to. Don't elaborate.

4. He needs to come after you. If you go after him the WS gains strength.

L.

Thank you Orchid. Yes I hear ya. At first when he was asking me out I thought it was sorta like he wanted to try and start again. He is one of those people that have a hard time expressing his emotions. Which means a lot of reading between the lines. And i thought this was his way of trying to start over I guess. And I was being pleasant and fulfilling his needs and I was getting a lot back in return, but the lovebank has now suffered a severe drought. It is like DDay all over again.

But now I have this information that OW is still in the picture I have now got to backpedal and fast. He is going to wonder why I am now avoiding him. So yes I need to learn some quick responses.

When i originally read OW email I had the same impression that he is trying to fob her off, it is just the comment about the promise that makes it all off too me.

I have calmed down a bit now but i was ready to tell her H and tell her that if she doesnt back off i will tell everyone at her work, on every forum that she belongs to what she is doing, but i am not going to do that. I have come to my senses.

Any way will let you all know how it progresses. Finding that OW is now back on his chat list makes it so much easier to back away.

cheers

U can expose to her H but not mention it to the WS and OW. Remember who you are dealing with. Realize that the WS and OW don't give a hoot about how you are trying to save your M and them along with yourself and others from greater misery. Expect them to hate evenything you do even if it is what they told you t/d.

Example from a true to life experience:

WS: We should get a D. I can't stand hurting you anymore.

BS: Really? You can't stand hurting us anymore? D's hurt. why go that route?

WS: It's the only thing I can do.

BS: Hm..... ok, then you go do the D dirty work. I'm not ready yet.

WS: But I want you to do it.

.....fast forward to about 6 weeks later. BS wakes up one Saturday morning, her mind is now made up (thanks to a good dream....LOL!!) and call the WS at aroung 7:20am..... WS is suppose t/b living in his 'rented room'......he needed to fine himself, remember that line? Ok. so WS works nights and was had fallen asleep less than a hour before.

BS: (ring, ring).
Ws: (groggy): he...llo?

BS: Good morning, WS......ok, I've decided, you can go get it. (clic)

WS: (Ws calls back like within 1 minute - thanks to speeddial and still groggy): did you just call? What do you want me to get? I just got home from work and was sleeping.

BS: Oh, yea I just called. Sorry to wake you, don't know what u r doing nowadays. U can go get the D now, I'm ready. Bye. (clic)

WS: (WS calls back again, a bit more perky and angry)
Listen, can we have a decent conversation? You woke me up from my sleep, to tell me to go get a D? R U crazy?

BS: Me, crazy? No, that's what your are doing, I'm just ready.

WS: Don't hang up, L..... why r u ready now? R u seeing someone?

BS: Well, not officially..... no matter, I'm ready. So when r the papers gonna be ready?

WS: Wait, slow down, maybe I don't want the D.

BS: Why? Thought you had it made with PBR(the crazed OW). ... isn't she giving you 'all you need'.

WS: My family is important to me.

BS: Hm..... u sure got a funny way of showing it and if this is how you treat important people in your life, we want out and fast....now how soon can you go get those papers??

WS: Well, I'm not sure.

BS: Ok, well get back to me ASAP. Bye.


Now at this point I was taking a risk but no more than I already had. This tactic however, blew a big hole in the A and had both the WS and OW wondering for days and weeks, what good ol Orchid was up to. LOL!!! Nothing special, that weekend, my mind and heart went into sync and click..... I was ready for the d. I had already done my D homework and knew what to expect but realized that I wasn't ready t/d the D work myself.

This is how most of the conversation went. You have to realize we are now in recovery and that scenario happened in 2001.

Notice all the reverse babble there?!?!?!? I was just learning how to do it then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hope this helps.

L.