Hi everyone.........
I am so glad that I have found this place, I just seem to be going round and round in circles and not getting anywhere with my marriage falling apart, I want to do something, but my so called husband well he says he does but his actions say different.
I have taken a few bits from my diary, sorry if this first post is so long, but I wanted to give you the full picture...
My situation is quite different to an affair, although it has really felt like this is what has happened, and I am having a very hard time dealing with it all right now.
At the moment, my husband is living in the town where he is working during the week, and comes back to spend a few hours with me sometimes on a Friday or Saturday to try and help rebuild !!! Yeh right That is before he goes another 100 miles to see his daughter for the weekend.......Telling me he is working at that time! He is working in a town that is approx 50 miles away from where we live, but to him it would cost just too much to commute every day.
That is where we are at now, rebuilding is not really happening, he is still telling tales and not being open and honest, he still seems to not have any interested in me, the home or our life, just what he is doing.......
I will now try to give you a brief view of what happened to blow us apart, just 5 months ago...................
I am 43 years old, and have been with my DH now for 9 years, although we have been married for 8 ½ years!
When we got married, I already had 3 children from previous marriages (2 – third time lucky or so I thought!) with only 2 of them living at home, so my DH had to jump into being step dad right away, something he coped with very well, even though my YD decided to become the BFH and try and split us up! My DH let me know at that time that there was a child of his somewhere, that he hadn’t been allowed contact with, and we discussed this in some depth, and both of us said that one day we could expect a knock on the door from her, if she was anything like her dad!
I am also disabled, I have MS and degenerate disc problems in my spine, so have to use a wheelchair most of the time, and the illness itself gives me vast and never ending problems, not just physical but emotional ones too. My DH is my main career and I rely on him a lot for many things.
So, what happened to upset the happy secure, safe world that I had been living in for the past 9+ years? !!!!
We got the knock on the door! In fact it wasn’t a physical knock, more like an email left back in 2003 and 2004 on a site that my DH only ever went on once back in 2002! He ended up going back to this site in August this year (the 17th to be right) to look for some details, and came across these emails that had been left for him by his daughter, who really wanted to find him. I was at the hospital on the 18th Aug and it wasn’t until that evening that he told me about the emails he had come across and that he had wrote back to her!
The rollercoaster ride began……………………
He again wrote back to her and on the 19th he was on msn from about 9.30am solid right through till 9.30pm that evening!!!!!!
Then day after day he was either on there or on the phone to her (and her mother) on a very regular basis.
By the time we got to the 22nd August we decided that he/we would go and visit and if she wanted to return and stay with us for a few days that would be ok before she went back to school – she is nearly 16 now so in her last year at school.
I don’t really need to go into details of how I was feeling at that time, because I am sure that you know. It wasn’t easy having to meet the other woman though! (even if it was from all those years back) and then for her to tell me how my DH was hers and had been hers b4 me, and would always be hers, as he was the father of her child, and that she wanted him back etc etc….. My DH made sure that I knew that this would never happen, that he in no way would return to the old when he knew what it already held for him, and that he was very happy here with me and our relationship. He did tell her that too……….but as you would guess, it didn’t really sink in. (more on that at another time)
Anyhow my SD came over and stayed with us for 11 days !!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank goodness she was like a clone of her dad, a great girl who has a very mature head on her shoulders, but then on the other hand, a very sad young girl who had missed her daddy, and wanted to know lots of things and show him lots of stuff – like dvd’s of videos of her growing up – yes she brought him8 or so dvd’s with many films on of her earlier years, which she wanted her dad to watch with her, but which upset my DH and me when we watched them.
Those 11 days were the hardest days of my life, if they weren’t kissing and hugging, they were off on their own doing stuff, they included me in some of it, but with me being the way I was, there wasn’t much running about and fun stuff that I could do, so I ended up being the bystander, the after thought……Oh and the person who took all the so special photos of them both together. They spent hours and hours together, talking cuddling chatting etc etc while I just fell apart. Many things happened that I wasn’t comfortable with, but if I said anything I was just being funny, or trying to stop my DH getting to know his daughter.
After we had taken her back and had to go through the SD family get together (which was a nightmare in itself) and her mum had been funny saying that I was ignorant and stuff like that (someone who didn’t know or understand what ms does to you) I told my DH that I think we needed help. In my heart I felt that he needed to remember that I was his wife and that in my mind the day he had married me, he had committed to put me first in thought mind and deed before anyone else, as I had him, and as I had done with my children – or hoped I had)
So we took ourselves off to see a councillor and got great help from a couple of sessions, as we had talked ourselves about most of the baggage and stuff that was coming up, and there were just a few points that we were stuck on.
This was good as it really helped us out, and helped us sort through things.
Since that time as you can imagine, many things have happened and erupted, and are still doing so.
I still feel like an after thought, my DH doesn’t understand my feelings and seems to have lost all respect for me.
We are going to visit with SD and DD and GC next weekend, and then we have the run up to the school holidays in Oct when SD is again coming to stay!
When will life ever be normal again?
How do you learn to cope when the man who has been the main stay in your life, who has always put your thoughts feelings and best interests first, all of a sudden decides that his daughter is there to be considered just as much as me? In fact, he has said that no one comes first, that we are joint in his thoughts and feelings etc!
It was hard enough when she came over the first time, they were so sloppy and huggy and kissy it was unreal! Even now if I feel I need a hug or a kiss I end up having to ask for one, if she was here, he wouldn’t think twice about giving her a hug or kiss or look or touch etc….. (they used to sit there staring and smiling at each other all the time when she was here last……….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is what I meant about feeling like an after thought, for when he is with her, he will hug her or what ever, and then sort of notice that I am in the room, and then come and give me one if I am lucky! Yes I know and understand that this was like a honeymoon period and I am hoping with all of my heart that the next time we all meet up, things will be different, but some how I don’t think that will be the case!
Even now, he rings or texts her every morning, then perhaps at lunch time, and then from about 4ish, he is checking the pc to see if she has come on msn so he can sit and chat with her, or he will phone her. And then when it gets to sort of 7ish, he is floating around the pc again, just in case she needs him – I mean get real, this is a young lass who is nearly 16, if she needed her dad surely she would phone him (as she has done many times)
I know that this would be hard for anyone to cope with, but with my added illness and the way it makes me feel sometimes, it seems unbearable at times.
The next thing that is really getting to me, although I know and understand that it is a game the BFH (coo that felt good!) is playing to try and cause upset. I’ll set the picture………………….
DH gets on the phone or the msn to his DD, in the background is the BFH, steering his DD from behind, bringing up lots of stuff from the past – yep sort of 16 years ago past– telling her to ask him about this, and what’s all this about that, and mum told me that you were into this and that etc etc….
It really gets to us, DH is fed up of it, and she knows that it will wind me up and she is hoping for a reaction from it all, sad to say she isn’t going to get what she is expecting, never the less it still winds me up, I mean WHY do it???? DH always gives the same responses, he either says, “I can’t remember, that was 16 years ago” OR “I don’t know what she is going on about, it wasn’t me” but always ends with, but that was a different person to who I am now People change!
Then there is the looming visit, if hubby gets out the car to hug his DD when we pick her up/drop her off, BFH will be there for sure hanging around waiting to pounce on him and have a hug hello or goodbye! It has been said (and the proof will be in the pudding so to speak) that there wont be a chance for her to do that this time, we shall see!
Oh and then there are the times when BFH phones to talk about DD (yer right oh) and to ask lots of other things and mention stuff from the past, and to ask his advice on this that and the other….and what does DH do………..bend over backwards to help her………………..
It took me a long time to get to grips with the reasons for his behaviour relating to the BFH, but I can now quite clearly see his point. The BFH and her family are not the nicest of people (no wonder his DD wants to come and stay as often as she can!) They filled his DD head with lies about how he wasn’t interested and how he didn’t care etc etc when the truth was it was the complete opposite, he was told to keep away and was not allowed any access etc, they are twisting stuff they are telling her now – telling us one thing and then his DD another – So DH has to be very careful, not to upset the apple cart so to speak, we both know if he is withdrawn or as she would see it as being funny to the BFH (or I am) in anyway shape or form, she will make life very difficult for his DD and any access etc we have right now, and he doesn’t want to put his daughter or us at risk from the trauma that could be caused by the BFH flying of her handle!
DH had a phone call from BFH telling him there were problems with his DD being bullied at school, because of a guy (aged 22ish) she had slept with back in May – yep, only just 15 and she is sleeping around! – anyway……. DH although he had been told about this by his DD, didn’t realise that BFH hadn’t really done anything about it, and didn’t know that DD was having problems at school because of it.
So it was arranged that we would go over Wednesday evening and go with his DD to the police station and the school Thursday morning and get it sorted out, and then bring his DD back here with us for a few days to have a break as she was off school until all this bullying had been sorted out, and then we would take her back on Tuesday morning, as DH and BFH had to be at the registry office to change their DD birth certificate to show that DH was her dad, something that they all wanted…. If you remember, the last time his DD was here, I found it very difficult with all the love n attention she was getting, and me being left out, and we had talked about it and DH had said that I was not to worry, as it wouldn’t be the same this time, last time it was all new etc etc……
Well, we picked her up, and all the way back in the car she was doing her watching daddy in the rear view mirror bit, giving him her “Oh daddy” look, every time he looked into it, you know what I mean, the head on the side bit and the sweet (sickly) smile stuff that melts his heart sort of thing. (even though it gets on my wick and makes me worry that he is not concentrating on what he is doing, I didn’t say anything). We got back home and over the next 5 days it was amazing to see what happened. I was still getting the snappy comments when I said something, which even his DD picked up on…..(him thinking I was having a go at him, when in fact I wasn’t) but also she was still the same with him as she had been before, very clingy and cuddly etc.
Now after last time and our talk, DH had said to me, don’t go off when we are having cuddles, join in, she needs to know that you care too etc etc so give her a cuddle too. So I stayed, even though all I had was her back in my face, or if DH was in the middle, I just had his arm round me, as she was sprawled all over his body. Many times he said to her, give star a cuddle too, which she did when she was told to, but other wise it was a case of I am with my daddy and I know this upsets you, so you can just put up with it.
But then it must have really started to get on her nerves, as more and more she would give him that “look” and pat the sofa, so that he would come for a cuddle and a love, and then I would get a funny look from her, like a smirk, if you know what I mean? She even did this when we were out, “Oh Daddy” she would say, “I am coming for a cuddle” and she would get up and move next to him, give me the look, and then take all his attention, the more she gave him that “look” the more you could see his heart melting and he showered her with affection, whilst I just sat there smiling sweetly.
She was being very clever though, because every now and again, she would, in front of her dad, come and cuddle me on my own or say nice things etc etc, and then a little while later, she was back onto the I am going to wind you up thing again, talk about messing your head up…… I couldn’t get onto my pc, as it is in the room which she sleeps in and she had also been given the use of my pc to chat with her mates on msn, so it was logged into her msn all the time, and I didn’t want any of my deepest thoughts etc, there for her to see.
So even though I was hurting real bad I didn’t do anything or say anything, well I couldn’t anyway as DH would have just flown off the handle at that time saying that it was all in my head etc. The Tuesday came round again she did her daddy in the rear view mirror bit all the way back, and then we had to pick up BFH and take her into the town to the registry office, and then after that take her up to the school, so it was a very trying day to say the least.
I had loads of the contradictory hugs n looks etc, and again I said nothing…………As I said to my friend today, I was giving out the rope freely! Wednesday, we got up still quite tired after the journey back, and DH checked the pc logs, as on the way home in the car, we spoke about how all stuff on the pc was logged, due to me not being able to remember stuff – it isn’t all the time, normally just now and again when I feel my head is not with it, I can turn it on, but whilst SD was here, we had it on all the time, just to be safe so to speak.
As we were talking about this, DH noticed her face drop, and thought to him self mmmmmm, wonder why she looked like that! Well the logs revealed that yes she had been on msn, but not just talking to her school mates, but other guys, all over the country, and what we read was pure “grooming” and also revealed that whilst she had been at her mates, things had been happening and seen on the web cams etc…..which was quite shocking in a way. We also found out that she was intending to go to a pub on Saturday night with some of her mates to what she told us was a special concert for this boy band, and then was going to stay at her mates house after, as her mates parents were away.
DH did a little research, only to find out that it was just a gig at a pub, and that this group (one of who his DD fancied & he her) were in fact in their early 20’s……….So DH phoned BFH and passed this info onto her, and said how he wasn’t happy about it, and how her mates parents would be away when she was going to stay there, and they were planning on having alcohol and lots of people back! After this had all been dealt with DH said to me, “what is the matter, you have been sad all day, why won’t you talk to me?” To cut a long story short, I did manage to get over to him what she had been doing to me, and when I told him, he said “Yes I can see & understand that, now you have said something” phew…… it is as if his eyes have at last been opened a little.
We have another visit due in 17 days, she is coming over for a week during the school holidays, DH is going to then bring up the msn thing and he will also be aware of the games she is playing with me too, so I am hoping it will be a little easier. I am also going to ask him if he will change my pc login, so that she doesn’t have access to any of my private doc’s on the pc, do her a login for herself so to speak. I still feel a little sad, but things are in the open now, so I hope it gets a lot easier, we shall see……..I expect many of you have had this before, and understand how I am feeling! I just wish I was a little stronger and it didn’t affect me so much, but that is ms for you!
A further update now.............
We have really gone through the mill these past few weeks, my MS is really playing up, yep star is right into a relapse right now, my legs arn't working right, my emotions are up the creak (anyone got a spare paddle?!!!) and lots of other stuff, which is just part of MS and something I have to live with, I know....you don't need to hear about all that, but it does affect me....like now, it is 3.08am in the morning, I am wide awake, with a banging head ach, and loads of stuff going round in my head......
SD is coming again a week tomorrow, I am very much looking forward to seeing her, but I am so very worried as to how I will be after she has been, emotionally I mean.
I tend to have like a breakdown after she has gone, and I can't find anyway of stopping it. I get very upset and cry and I am so nasty to my DH - although the last time, I did my best not to get nasty at him, and ended up seriously thinking about ending it all, as I just can seem to cope with the way I feel.
Contact with her and DH has been the same as normal, every morning a txt to say good morning and how much they miss each other, same again sometimes lunch times and then when she is on her way home from school, oh then later in the evening too, plus the normal evening phone calls etc......
BUT I have now been included in some of this contact, only slightly as if BFH knew that SD was telling me how much she loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to see me, she would fip her lid, and do her best to make life ****** for SD, so the odd txt & or phone call I get, which are very meaningfull and special, have to be done whilst she is away from the house, and when DH speaks to her or txt her he can't put love Dad and Star or Dad n Mum he can only put Dad, which I find hard sometimes! the BFH checks ALL SD txt's on her phone, she somehow even knows that she has sent or recieved one, when they have been deleted! talk about a jailer!
So even though me & SD want and are trying to build up some sort of relationship, it is very difficult for both of us.
Alot of the stuff I have wrote about in the past, has mostly been ironed out now, yes I do still find it very difficult when SD is cuddling and kissing daddy all the time, and turns her back on me, but me and DH have siad that if this happens again, both of us are going to explain to her that it is not nice to do this, I do really think that it is done unentionally (sp?) and she isn't aware of how it makes me feel.
I still have a big problem with my disability and my feelings about it, how restricting it can be and how it is so difficult for me to be with them when they are doing stuff that either I used to do, or would love to do and can't now, even though they want me to be there with them.....But this is my ghost, and something that I need to deal with, you see looking back, we haven't been in a possition such as this before, as when my children were at home, I wasn't as ill as I am now, and was able to do more stuff with them all then. I am in the process of waiting for counselling from an MS based org who are very used to people feeling this way, and I hope that they will be able to help me through this so that I can enjoy watching two very special people in my life having fun, and not feel left out.
Yep we have one of these times coming up very soon, as when SD comes over DH has said how he would love to take her skating.....something I used to love to do.....and he would like me to video it, as in his words, it will be very funny, as he hasn't skated before..........It is only for an hour, so some how I am going to find some armour to protect me, and come hook or crook I want to be there for them and do this.
I have also realised, and me n DH have spoken about this, that although he had said he loved and cared about my DD and the GK he didn't seem to show her any attention like he is his own DD, and I was somehow (lord knows how) able to bring this to his attention, and bless him, I could see by his reaction and how quiet he went after, that he hadn't actually seen it that way, and is now doing his best to make amends, the strange thing was, he said to me, I don't know how to be close to (my) DD, so I just said it is very easy, you just do the exact same as you are with your DD. I told him how my DD loved him so much (he knows this deep down as he was with her 48 hours whilst she was in labour with our 1st grandchild) but I don't think he realised that he could show her love n affection, bless him. I told him though all she needs is a daddy, someone to look up to and know cares about her (bless her, she has no one really apart from me who bother about her n the girls) Her dad could give a flying about her or the girls....but he has always been that way.
I have also come to another realisation, as I don't remember much (MS again 4 u) I forget how loving and thoughful DH is to me, and the words he tells me when he is telling me how much he loves me......He does, but to my mind, it is not very often, but he sends txt every day expanding about how much he loves his DD etc..... so if I had it wrote down from him, I wouldn't forget or feel like he doesn't tell me, does this make sense?
I have also realised another thing.............
I can not remember the last time DH told me how gorgeous/beautiful etc I am to him (you know good old flattery!!) but when my SD is here he is forever telling her, oh and then he will tell me the same after telling her, which makes me feel sad, so I have wrote a note, and tomorrow I am going to ask him if he can turn up the flattery knob quite a bit for me, as this will help boost my confidance and make me feel good, and I am hopiung will help me cope better!
Who knows......I am just grasping at straws really, but hey it might work.
Thursday, 20 October 2005
I am writing this n my pc clock says 21.35 he was in the house at 21.15
Came out just about the time I started writing this, n phoned me at 21.37 when they were on their way, just left the house sort of thing, so he was in there bout 20 mins.
Just so that I remember!
Blumin men (and their daughters), sometimes………………
Their complete way of thinking mystifies me!
For the past fortnight, arrangements have been made to go over n pick SD up on Saturday, and visit with my DD and the GK’s. DD was going to do us tea etc…..
SD finished school Wednesday (inset days or something) and it wasn’t long b4 she was txt her dad, to see if he could come n fetch her earlier, she is having a hard time of it all at home right now, it is not easy for her. DH explained that it wasn’t possible as we had arranged to see other D on Saturday.
Today, another text asking please, can dad come and fetch her some how……
DH looks at me, I honestly think he was just expecting me to say, yes go fetch her, lets not bother about the other girls…..but I didn’t, so whilst H was trying to get me to see how much of a good idea it was for him to fetch SD, he came up with a corker……..
“Well if I shoot over there tonight, whilst the traffic has calmed down, it won’t take me long and then I can fly straight back, cause if you come with me it takes me longer, cause of loo stops etc etc….so it will be quicker if I go on my own……… and you don’t need to worry about me hanging around there, it will be a quick turn around I am not hanging around chatting…. (Still had time for a good chat n a coffee tho didn’t he!)
So not only was he not bothered about my feelings with regard to seeing my girls (who he has always said he has took on as his own) he had no problems with not seeing them till later at all (I don’t think he even thought about my DD feelings either). He also didn’t want me to go over with him as it would be quicker n easier if I didn’t.
Then to try and persuade me more, he came up with the idea that when we take SD back we can go early n spend the day with other daughter n GK.
I told him that if that was what he wanted to do, he could ring other daughter up n tell her, cause I wasn’t!
After he came off the phone, he look gone out at me, and wondered why I was upset………men…………………sometimes………………………
So I had to spell it out for him, I was upset because I was looking forward to seeing my DD n GK as well as SD, and now (my) other daughter n GK have got to wait till a week on Saturday till we can see each other again. This was what was upsetting me. He said “I feel bad now” “well wey hey…….it was your choice” I told him.
I think that I am just going to have to accept the fact that when SD phones/txt/calls etc DH will jump and his brains fall out n he forgets everything except his DD and himself.
I briefly spoke with my DD after H had spoken to her, and she knew by my voice that I was upset, and I could her that she was too……..but she has had to go to work now. I am too upset really to speak to her yet though.
So again they all have got what they want, except me n my girls……..
BFH got H in her house on his own (bet she will dream about that for months now)……………
H got to fly over and pick his girl up…………..
SD got daddy to fetch her……
Then he wonders why I am up set…………
He has got to realise that when you are in a situation like that, you have to consider the consequences of the choices you make, and look at who it will upset or hurt, and if it is right to take this course of action……..
Oh but he wont will he cause his brains fall out when his DD looks at him. Lol
I sound terrible here, it is not her fault, it is just the crafty way she has learnt to get what she wants……She is a great girl, and our relationship is building well………
Still finding it hard to deal with the feeling outside/left out bit cause of my disability and also finding it hard to deal with the sloppy kissy huggy stuff….ugh…what ever….I am sure I will get there one day!
12/12/05 at 06:51 PM
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Well it still isn’t getting any easier/better we now seem to be pretending that things are ok!
Just going on with normal life as if nothing has happened but feeling like .
He won’t talk to me about our situation, and says I am pressuring him to talk and the more I do that the less he will talk to me – he is this way with a lot of things……….
It is just so sad to watch everything that was so special to me being torn apart.
I can see the games being played (even though I know this and can see them it still hurts that he would do this) I know he just wants to have it all his way and it will all stop (or so he thinks), but for my own sake I can’t do what he wants, and we can not live like this for much longer.
We have got both of the counselling sessions tomorrow, one at 2 and one at 6, we should have had one last week but I got the days wrong! So we have got both on the same day now.
The reason we are seeing two different ones, is so that he can pick which one he feels he connects with better. I sure hope he talks there, but will he? He has told me in an email that he wants to work at this and that he doesn’t know what is happening, but he knows he loves me……..
He is pushing me too far though, I am sure he can not see this, and to be honest if it carries on, I will snap, and give in, but it wont be in the way he hopes, it will be in a way that gives me peace again and some sort of life.
It is just so sad to see what is happening to our relationship, and how he can just carry on as if nothing is wrong……..I know he is trying to hurt me, and right now he is winning, but it wont be for long I can’t stand it…….
I would sooner be on my own at Christmas and new year than be with him and be like this.
13/12/05 at 03:33 AM
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This might help give a clearer picture………………….sorry it is so long...
DH left the other week with his DD as I told them to; for my own safety (due to her accusations) He ended up taking her back to her home town.
A day later he was on the phone to me saying how he realised that he wanted to work at our relationship and could he come home? That he was sorry for what he had done etc etc (you get the drift)
He came home and said a few bits, nothing much really to explain all the months of ****** he had put me through, and me being the kind and sometime stupid person that I am, believed him, yep muggings here believed that he would really try and make an effort, that he would no longer tell me lies and be deceitful…………………….
I must have inhaled some fairy dust or something that day………..
Two weeks on and things are just the same, well even worse in some ways again. He has again cut off most of the emotional support and care, love and attention and he has totally cut off any intimacy again (he knows he can hurt me with that one).
At the weekend, he was meant to be taking me out somewhere special, it was meant to be sat evening – but he managed to change that, as his DD is having problems at home and of course he had got to be around in case she needed his support or love. What I did was to save up a little each week throughout the year, so that we could have a couple of good nights out before Christmas, as we don’t get out much as we are on benefits right now.
He took me to one of the main towns not too far from here, as he said I used to enjoy going there….and he wanted to (get this) look round the shops there for a Christmas present for his DD step brother! I mentioned that I wanted to pick up a massage bar from Lush (great place) and he said, whilst you are there get one for my DD and you could also get one for my mum and aunty whilst your at it for their Christmas presents.
Let me get this right, I save all year, so that we can have a couple of good times out, and he wants to spend the money on others………………….
Then he went off on one, and said how he was sick of never having any money, how it was always me who had it and he never had any………
It is not my fault that the social pay the benefits into my bank, it is not my fault that he didn’t want to get a job because if he did the CSA would take money off him for maintenance, isn’t not my fault that he has wanted all this stuff (mob phones/sky/ 2 house phones etc etc) and we have large out goings every month.
He stormed off to the loo (we were in a pub) so I just got up, left the bag of stuff from lush on the chair, left the change from the drinks on the table and got the ****** out of there before I blew…………..
Next min my mob is going, and going and going……………………
After a while I thought that I had better answer it, and arranged to meet him at the car.
It was a very quiet journey home………………….
When we got back the atmosphere was horrible and he started off on one again, this time about the fact that I had still not got his name put on the rent book for the council; I picked the form up Tuesday last week, Wednesday we were out, Thursday he was out and Friday he spent the day in bed as he had pulled a muscle in his back, so I don’t see when I would have had the time to do it! I then brought up the fact that when we had first got together, he had asked me not to put his name on the rent book because of the CSA tracing him, he wanted to remain anonymous.
So again a choice he made years ago, is now my fault, not bad going ehh!
I feel by what is said and by the way they both act, him and his DD resent me and blame me for them not being together, their only thought is of how they can be together and have Christmas and new year together and be together for ever……………..
By about 6.30ish pm (sat) I could stand it no more and thought if I don’t get out of here I am going to blow…..I left a note on the front door telling him that I had gone out, and that when he was ready to talk to give me a ring and I would come back. I went out the back door – he thought I was going for a ciggie – I had been out about 40 mins when I got a txt msg saying where are you? I just sent him one back saying I was some where safe and I was ok. Where’s safe, he asked, so I just said trust me, I am safe and ok and will come back when you are ready to talk to me.
I then got a msg saying that he wasn’t going to walk the streets looking for me, and he was ready to talk, so would I come back. I was just getting myself ready, (7.25ish) when another msg came through (3 mins later) saying it would be better off for everyone if I wasn’t here any more, I am sure you will be able to pick your life up again.
I got home to find he was not here, he wasn’t waiting for me to come back to talk…..I tried to phone him, but got no answer. I knew he was in a bit of a state, and started to get quite worried, as I saw him have a breakdown about 6 or 7 years ago, and he went off the same then. I txt him, still now answer….I then noticed that his new box of strong pain killers had been moved, I looked into the box to find a strip of 20 missing, so it was obvious that he had took them with him.
I tried phoning him again, his DD phoned/txt me saying she was worried, I tried looking for him but nothing….I spoke to his brother to see if he would try and talk to him, I spoke to my son to ask him if he would try, still he wouldn’t answer the phone. By this time I was getting quite worried it was 10 o clock and getting very cold outside.
I had no choice but to phone the police and tell them of my worries, they understood my concerns and said they would come out to look for him.
At about 11.20 ish I got a txt saying I will come back when you all stop hassling me. (I let the police know that he had made contact with me) I then got a msg saying (ready for this one…..) If I come back will you promise me that we can all have a family xmas together, all of us no exclusions? He really got me on that game……I will make her suffer, get her all worried about me and make her weak and then I can make her agree to having DD here for xmas………….what a child…………..It took me a while to see that one, but I did!
He came back in the end, took his coat off threw the tablets on the side and went to bed, he stayed there until about 3.15 pm Sunday…………….I just made out he wasn’t here!
Then I got a txt (yep I was only in the front room, he could have just said it) I don’t want to fight any more he said, I just want to love and be loved……..
I then got an email;
QUOTE:
if you say you want to help me then please help me by not pressureing me to talk....
I find it hard and the more i am pushed i cant
I dont know what is happening in my life anymore. I dont know who loves
me, who does not, who are my friends and who are taking sides behing me
back.
All i want and all i ever wanted in life was to have a happy family. I never had that as a child and i hoped and prayed that i would have that for myslef one day.
I can see now that that will never happen unless things change, but even then i cant see how at this stage.
My life at the moment seems so incompatible with yours. There is no way that i can see how what i want and need is ever going to fit in with yours. I am however prepared to work at it and if i can want to know if you are too and that you will be open and receptive of me but understand that i cant seee how things are going to work at the moment.
I feel a lot of things but the most of all its that things are very one sided from where i stand. I know that that is how things must lokk from
where you are too. but at the end of the day, i am sorry and cant put anything more forward to you .
I wish i was never here, never born, all my life i have tried to make things good, but i was always kicked at the first hurdle and never
allowed to make good or show my worth, why me what have i ever done to anyone....
This is so ****....
I know two things
I love you
and i love my / our children.
But people just dont want me ......... simple.
END QUOTE
Shock and horrors he spoke to me tonight, I asked him about the bit in his email which said…..” I am however prepared to work at it” I asked “What did you mean about working at it, how are you going to do that?” I don’t know he said I don’t even know what it is. I said that I was finding this very hard, and I couldn’t do what he was doing, just going on as if nothing had happened. He said that he didn’t know what it was, and that he was not ready to talk about it yet, and he would when he was, and that he wasn’t walking round as if nothing had happened, that he was just trying to sort it all out in his head and that he had other stuff he needed to sort out too, not just that, so he said I thought that instead of picking at the scab and making it sore I would just keep on, whilst I sorted this other stuff round it out. I told him that it would never work like that, that he did really need to look at what the problem was so it could be dealt with and we could move on……..but I am not ready yet he said. (OK again his DD steps up to the front line, she is having problems with her mum at home, and is having a visit from a social worker tomorrow, and her mum is playing her up big time… so of course daddy has to be there for her, and put his marriage on hold again…)
The sad thing is I do want him, well I want the guy back that was my husband, but he is still pushing me and lying and being deceitful (I found out tonight that he had blocked my msn login so that I wouldn’t see when he was on line talking to his DD, but I went into the bedroom tonight and wondered why he moved quick…..he was on his lap top, I sat at the side of him, and said “what you up to then babe surfing?” Oh and then bing bong…up comes a continued message from his DD.. “Sorry” I said, “did I interrupt something there”, “no he said I was talking to her earlier” mmmmm…”So you have blocked me then on your msn have you?” I asked, “I blocked everyone, well I thought I had (he said as another msg from his DD popped up) I am sure he thinks I have something not nice wrote on my forehead, Wrong….I haven’t got any pine needles stuck up my bottom neither !….
I then have to sleep in the same bed as this man, and hear him calling out her name and reaching over for her in his sleep…..one of these times I am going to wake him up and say, excuse me, but my name is ***** not *****………..But he would just say, “what I haven’t done anything, I was only dreaming” He has said this to me before when it was happening.
He is pushing me to the point where I will just snap and say enough is enough, as I said b4 right now I don’t really feel like I want to spend Christmas and New Year with him whilst he is like this……I would have more fun on my own.
Well we are off to the C tomoz, I wonder if it will help……I really don’t see how, both parties need to be willing to work at it, and this is all just one sided he can’t think of anything but his DD.
I should get my car on Friday, all the paper work has been done and they are getting it ready for collection, I am getting an automatic car and I will be able to drive again at last (been about 4ish years since I drove last) but the care we have now is manual, and I can’t drive manual, and DH has drove all this time, and now he is feeling quite worried about the fact that I am going to have my own transport and I will not need to rely on him to drive me about, he has even said “So it will be me left stranded in the village” – I told him that he could use the bus like I had done! (don’t think that went down too well) and then today he said, you get your freedom on Friday…..
So he knows deep down that he has left me stranded and stuck in the village, and that I have had no freedom from his controlling ways for many years….he is not very happy that the tables are turning and I am getting more in control
**********************************************
We went to the C session Tuesday, we could only do one, as it was so hard.
I really hoped that it may help in some way and be a slight turning point for our relationship somehow.
It didn’t go very well, DH was very much on the defensive and well said nearly the opposite of everything I said, when he decided to say anything that is, he was like a big kid sat there sulking, it was embarrassing really.
The chap said to him, “what is it you hope to gain from seeing someone, from doing these sessions, as I don’t hear anything from you telling me what you want to achieve from this?” In the end he said “To work at/save our marriage”
In the end, the chap said that he could clearly see that we were hurting each other very much and that all this was very emotional for us, and that he was going to see DH next week on his own, and just for the next week, could we both just be nice and kind to each other?
It was quite difficult when we came out, and in the end I had to ask for a hug when we had stopped the car.
The rest of yesterday wasn’t too bad, he was really trying to be nice and kind, and it was quite pleasant, but it still felt very false. Then today ermm not too bad, until about teatime when we were shopping and as we were at the checkout, I mentioned something about what were we going to have for Christmas dinner, he said chips and egg or something, I’m not doing Christmas, I wont be able to.
I left it at that but the thought niggled me for ages…..Then I remembered
He chose to be here with me for Christmas day, I told him he could be with his DD if he wanted to, but he said no, he wanted to be with me.
I don’t want this, I don’t want him being miserable and sulking all Christmas day, and spoiling it for me, so I told him, and I said that he could go over to be with his DD if that would make him happy.
So he has arranged it, he is goin Thursday next week and staying at his mums……………….
The sad thing is that my husband felt that if he stayed at home with his wife, he couldn’t do Christmas and would be sad and miserable, but he could do it if he was with his daughter, and I felt that I would sooner him go away as I didn’t want to spend my Christmas with him. This shows me how bad things have got between us. But I don’t think he has realised this yet.
Oh heck he has just come and caught me up, asking me what he has done wrong now……….it is nearly ¼ 4 in the morning !....................
Men………………………..
20/12/05 at 09:54 AM
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Yesterday I had just had enough, enough of the pretending that everything was OK, enough of seeing him pretend that he loved me and cared about me, enough of seeing the forced niceness and interest…….You can tell when it is forced/fake it just doesn’t seem the same.
Last week I began to realise that even though he had said that he wanted to spend Christmas with me and go see his daughter on boxing day, that there was no way we were going to have a happy Christmas together, he made it quite clear that he wouldn’t be happy and he would be miserable all the day, as he couldn’t have what he wanted – the spoilt child – I thought to myself that if I was on my own I could do what ever I wanted and have a better time, so I told him that I felt it would be best for both of us if he went over to his family for Christmas, as I didn’t want him here being miserable and spoiling my Christmas.
After a few tears etc he soon started making plans to go over there, getting all excited about making arrangements with his daughter etc etc….unbelievable really! To say this was a man who was working at making his marriage right again.
Sat night was his works do, at first I didn’t really want to go, but I thought why not, I haven’t had a good night out for ages, and it is all free, so I could carry on pretending, just as he was that everything was ok for the evening. It wasn’t too bad, nice company made a change from sitting at home in a strained atmosphere. He did in fact managed to pretend so well that at one point I think he forgot what he was doing, but then pulled his self back to the cold hard distant man he has become and left me feeling terrible by his actions. – oh well I have gotten used to that now!
Sunday, he became a bloke………………
He had been out on the booze the sat night, we had got back home the sun morning and he just dosed on the sofa all day. I went to cook lunch, and still he stayed on the sofa…..I felt like his personal slave, or his blumin mother…what ever I wasn’t happy……
Come 5 to 6, his DD txt him telling him she was on msn and could he come on, he ended up on there from 6 till 9pm talking to her, tucked away in the bedroom so that I couldn’t see what they were talking about…..more deception!!!!!!
So I decided that I was going to listen to the radio in the front room and turn the lights down low and chill………….it was nice and relaxing………
Come about 10 past 9 he had come off MSN and came into the front room….”what’s wrong” he asked…..”are you OK?” yeh I was fine, what was the point in starting another fall out, by saying I was fed up with him talking to his daughter when he wouldn’t even talk to me………………
We went to bed quite late that night, and he ended up in there before me, cuddled up to the far side of the bed…………
Yep he is still calling her name out, he is still talking to her in his sleep telling her how much he loves her etc etc – and it is me he turns to and cuddles when he does this, how am I meant to stay in the same bed as him?
Monday I woke up, with a new determination in my life. I decided that enough was enough, that I just couldn’t, or wouldn’t take any more of this hurt and pain. He was still very distant, as per the norm, and I felt terrible, due to this cold I have got, so I was in bed most of the day.
Come about 2.30 ish, he was going out to the post office to post the last bits of mail, and whilst he was out, I wrote him an email, well as we are not talking much I thought it better that way. I said……..
“I do so hope that she will be worth all the sacrifices, the destruction and the hurt that is happening to our relationship, I hope she will give you everything you need and everything that I can no longer give you. Let’s part as friends
ehh?”
When he checked his email, he came into the kitchen to me (as I was up getting a drink then), and asked me what “did you mean by the email?”
“What it said” was my reply……. “What are you going on about? There hasn’t been any sacrifices or destruction….what do you mean she?” “I mean Leigh” I said……”I don’t know what your going on about” was his reply. I went on to tell him that he obviously couldn’t see it, and that was what I meant, and could we please part as friends, and also that it would be better if he stayed over with his family until after the new year celebrations, then return here ready to start his job on the 3rd Jan, and that he would be staying in the front bedroom until he could find himself somewhere else to live.
So he packed all his stuff up that he would need, along with all the presents and left last night. Just as he was going he said to me, “so am I still going to see you on boxing day and my mums birthday?” I told him “no”. “What not even my mums birthday?” Nope I said……….How could I? How could he expect me to sit in a room with him and his daughter after all that has happened?
He sent me a txt msg at 5.30am this morning, just a small one to have a dig as such….which said….. “so whats going to happen when it gets to fish on Fridays and biscuits on Wednesdays I will still be keeping that space for you.”
This was something that we always used to say to each other, that we would grow old together……. Talk about rubbing salt in………………..I lost that wonderful man so long ago…………………..he has hurt me too much now………
He is meant to be going to see the C today, he did say yesterday, “should I not bother going then, as I was only going to try and save our marriage?” I told him that it was up to him, but I felt that it would help him still but that it was his choice. He ended up saying that he didn’t know what he was going to do but if he didn’t go, he would give me the money back.
So I am now in the process of making my own plans for Christmas, yes a part of me will be very sad because I won’t be with my husband, but I will be happier with out all the hurt and upset. I am hoping to see my children and grandchildren so that should make it very special for me.
I just hope the weather is good to me, as I have only just got my car, and I am not totally used to driving it, and it is about a 3 hour journey to get over to them so I will just have to take my time!
Well a great Christmas was had by me and my children and grandchildren; it was a very special time for us all. I was also able to spend a few days with my youngest daughter & granddaughter (she is 20 now!), which was so very special for me as my XDH didn’t like me having contact with her!
***********************************
I got back yesterday after a long drive, only to find an answer phone msg waiting for me from the SD family, saying; No wonder I didn’t have them long at my house as it was obvious to them all that there was something wrong with their (XDH & SD) relationship, that they were too close etc and if I knew that they had been sleeping together I should tell them as they thought that this was the case too, and that they were going to get to the bottom of it all and were going to let the social services and police know what their thoughts were, and for me to be prepared for contact from them.
I did try to warn him, I told him not just the impression I was getting from them both, but also what other people were seeing too…..The fool….I sent him a txt msg telling him he was a blumin idiot blah blah blah and that he had been warned…..I got one back saying “What have I actually done now then?” the idiot…….
So now I have to play the waiting game, don’t know who is going to phone or visit or what – relating to the above! He (XDH) is meant to be coming back here on Sunday teatime so that he can get his stuff ready for work etc for Tuesday, then he will be gone again. That is if he is not arrested before then, my solicitor told me that if I went for a divorce on adultery or unreasonable behaviour that they would pick up on the relationship bit and that he would be arrested – it is a childcare issue she said – the only other option she gave me was to wait for 2 years of separation if I didn’t want all that mess coming out. Well it now looks like it won’t be me bringing it out, and if they do, it will all go in my favour for a quicker divorce.
What a great start to the new year!!!!!
I tried all I could to get him to see what was happening, what people, including me were thinking and seeing……I couldn’t/can’t do any more.
It is just so sad that after all these years. But my eyes have been opened to so much, no wonder he didn’t want me to get together with my youngest daughter, as he knew that she would be able to trigger my memories for me. (MS problems with retrieval of memories) Others have helped a lot too….
I think I too have been blind for many years……………..
30/12/05 at 06:03 AM
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Goodness me……..
I woke from a dream this morning (3.50am) only then to be wide awake and breaking my heart…………
My husband was with me, he was loving me and being so warm and tender………I don’t want or need dreams like that………He has been a right pig to me, and to my kids, I know that………..so why do I feel like this………..
I thought I had done with all this crying and upset…………The pain is so bad……..
It is if I am grieving, for someone who doesn’t exist cause the bloke he is now, isn’t who he used to be, but even then, the bloke he used to be was a controlling manipulative sly person, who kept me apart from my kids – I know I am part to blame as I should have stood up to him, but I didn’t feel I was able to!!!!!!!!! But the good times, the special times we shared, the way he loved me and took care of me when I was in a relapse, or when I had to go to the hospital and have something done, the times we laughed so much that we cried, the birth of our granddaughter god so many things that keep going through my mind………
I know I have lost who I thought that person was, but it doesn’t stop the tears or the hurt………………..
How do you cope with this………………?
Many thanks for any help
Myeika
