My H had a brief A (5 nights over 7 months) 4 years ago. I just found out 5 weeks ago. We just came from church and I was pretty much holding back the tears the entire time. I felt like the only one in that church who has experienced this. I kept looking at all the other happy families. I know from the boards and from statistics that cant be true but I feel really alone in my pain. Maybe there were people in that church who didnt tell either??????

No one knows about this as it was a long distance thing. I havent told any of my friends. My question to you all is would you tell a friend? I feel like if I do no one would forgive him (after all its been pretty hard on me and I have 4 kids with the guy and he is the love of my life). No one really needs to know since there is no threat of her entering our life again. He is completeley repentant and has vowed to live his life for me. I believe him because he has had a lot of pain these past years and I have not known why. He said that every birthday since this happened he has wished to keep me and his family.

Still sometimes I feel it would be easier if I had a shoulder to cry on. I think what I really need is someone to tell me its ok to love him again. That I am not being foolish. Any advise?

Welcome here, to MB. You are in the right place. Alot of wisdom and support is here.

And it is OK to still love your husband and want your marriage. This IS survivable!!

Read all the info. here, and you will start to begin the healing process! Hang in there, everything will be ok!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Wow, I so remember feeling exaclty the same way the first few Sundays back in church.

I did tell a couple of friends. Sounds funny saying my best friend, sounds like I am 12, but anyway, I did tell my very good friend. In fact I told her on d-day. She was wonderful. She has been great during the whole process. She never asks me how I am, she lets me tell her when I need to talk. She also never treats my husband differently. We even went on vacatiion together since then.

I wanted to get into counseling but was worried I would choose the wrong one. Another friend at church is a counselor, but because we are friends she could not be my counselor. I told her about the A and she told me that she would not reveal names, but there were quite a few couples in our church who had seen the counselor she recommended for exactly the same thing.

When I saw the counselor he told me that the numbers of Christians who have and are going though this are staggering. He said that when I look around, that probably 1/3 or more of the people I see in church have been affected by this.

There were three books I read after D-day that really helped me alot.

The first was Captivating. There ia man's version called Wild at Heart. Another was Do You Think I'm Beautiful? The author of this was going through a divorce when she wrote the book. It was a huge help for me although we were working on recovery and not a D.

The last one was by Sheila Walsh and was called The Heartache No One Sees. It was an amazing book and talked so much about just what you felt this morning.

So many times, I felt like I had to paint on a smile- put on my church-lady hat and be what everyone expected me to be.

Do you have a close friend to tell? If not, come here and talk to us. Feel free to email some of us, too. Mine's [email]mbmoveforward@yahoo.com.[/email] I'd be happy to 'listen'


Hang in there.

Welcome to MB. Sorry u r here. We can help you but you need t/d some homework 1st.

What homework?

1. Give us more background, if you can.....why was d/d so recent vs the A 4 years ago? Have you always been unsure of this A? What is your H's attitude on this and how you are feeling? Any conflict avoiders in your family?

2. Please read SAA (surviving an affair), then read His needs/Her needs.

3. Take the emotional needs questionnaire. Once for you, then ask your H if he w/b willing to take it, if not you take it for him.

4. Call Steve H @ MB for some phone counseling.


I suspect you both didn't have the right closure on this matter for both of you. This leaves issues hanging in the wind.

MB can help you both through it. Remember you can only control yourself. But you can both help each other.

Get a good recovery plan going. Read 1st, then call Steve.

take care
L.

Thanks for all your responses
A little background:
I found out 5 weeks ago b/c she sent me a letter. He knew her through work and at the time she pursued him I was pregnant with twins our third and fourth children. The A physically started 2 months after they were born. They were together 2 nights that month and then 3 nights 5 months later. He said they talked on the phone and emialed each other 2-3x a week but never talked about "them" they were just friends. That one is hard to believe. He says he broke it off with her that month and then 2 months later he gets a phone call not from her husband but from her other boyfriend( he didnt know about)!!!!

He felt very dirty and I believe duped. I think he liked her because she thought he was Mr. Wonderful and he used her to make himself feel special b/c I couldnt pay any attention to him. after this phone call he confronted her and since then they have had an adversarial relationship. He said he could not let go b/c he wanted to "come out on top". He felt she made him into someone he was not and that he disgraced his marriage for someone who was not who he thought she was. Two years ago he began corresponding with her again. He says he doesnt know why but I think he wanted her to want him so he could hurt he b/c she hurt him not b/c he loved her b/c he loved that she wanted him.

The thing is is that I knew he was different. I though it was a midlife crisis. He was angry and distant these years even though there were many many good times something was wrong. He wasnt the same person. Now he tells me he was afraid to get close b/c he thought I would leave if I ever found out.

Anyway he had not emailed her for probably a year when a work thing came up and she emailed him. He responded back angrily and she threatened to tell me if he ever contacted her again. And no I really had no clue even though looking back I missed a lot of signs and weird behavior. So interstingly enough he emailed her 2 weeks before d-day and she lived up to her threat and here we are.

He says he is willing to do anything to save us but he is rushing me. He feels great like aweight has been lifted off his shoulders (and put onto mine). He wants to start again NOW and I am a broken hearted mess with 4 kids to take care of. Help!