I don't know what to do. I just heard from someone that my WH is doing some really mean stuff. I don't have anyone to talk to about right now, so please humor me. I need to vent.

He got something in the mail at the house this week from my insurance co. I had dropped him from my policy during open enrollment before I filed for divorce. He knew it was coming. Apparently the letter was "hard evidence" that I didn't make the change until Dec. 23. So he thinks he's going to get me on contempt of court and I'll have to pay a big fine. I can't see why he would want to do that, as I'm trying to care for DD and struggling as it is. Besides, I have the confirmation sheet from when I changed the policy to begin with, but it was printed the day I filed, that afternoon. So I don't know how that'll turn out. I'm really scared.

Besides that, OW is apparently pushing for the "BS must be gay" thing b/c WH says I have SF problems. I heard that they're trying to find out if I've ever been molested, as if that would explain the "problems" he says I have. The problems he says are that we never had SF. Not true. Only that it wasn't as often or as freaky as he wanted.

I am just flabbergasted he would stoop so low. I don't have anything like that in my past, other than that I volunteered with a nonprofit that helped victims of sexual assault. How on earth would they go about finding out whether or not I'd been molested anyway?

And besides, if that were the case, wouldn't that make him look more like a jerk b/c he's not compassionate about it? I am just blown away. Just absolutely blown away. You know, it's not like I'm going around saying he's the world's biggest jerk to all my friends. But he's apparently saying I'm the biggest b in the world.

Why would SF stuff be heard in the case anyway? He filed only for irreconcilable differences, and wouldn't that just point back to an affair?

Why is he being so nasty? What on earth can I do about it? I'm trying to be nice to him when I'm around him, and I just can't understand why he's being so awful. Please pray for me and DD!!!!

I would just ignore it all. For some reason, it makes the WS feel better to talk nasty about their spouse. It makes them feel like they are okay to have their sleazy affair, and rut like pigs (thanks Mel, I love that one).

Don't know much about your story. There are so many posts I get them confused.

Sounds like your WH is getting lots of help from OW. Is this the kind of stuff he would normally have done? Kind of sounds like she is behind the scenes directing him to do things.

Not much help. Just an observation. My H's 2nd EXW helped him w/stuff like that when his EX took him back to court. I'm #3 and I did the same thing so I imagine that's what's behind all this. She's thinking of any angle she can to hurt you, make you look bad and keep any thoughts of reconciling at bay.

Don't worry too much.

1. If you dropped him in the manner you described, then you'll be fine and he'll look like a jerk to the judge.

2. Even if you dropped him on Dec. 23, then so what? Was there a court-order saying that you had to provide insurance for him? Even if there was, I suspect that a judge will be pretty easy on you since you're struggling to get by with your kid.

3. Why is he digging, or trying to dig up dirt on you? Because he's afraid you'll make him look like the @$$ he is. Even if you split up based on "irreconcilable differences" I suspect that at some point when determining how much custody, and therefore how much child support, and not to mention alimony, the judge is going to ask, "Why are these people in front of me? Who is most to blame for the destruction of the marriage?"

At that point you'll say, your honor, he was sleeping around, and I found that unacceptable and a potentially serious health hazard. What's he going to say? If he says you didn't have "enough" sex, then he'll have to say why he wasn't being a jerk in the manner and amount he was requesting. However, if he can point to some external reason why his story is plausable (i.e. you being gay, or having been molested) then his story will be more believable.

My theory is to look at people and attempt to understand that person's motivations. Your STBX is totally self-centered right at the moment, and so the ONLY reason he would do anything is to try to benefit himself. It could be that he gains pleasure from humiliating you, but the more plausable reason, I think, is that he wants to create some legal advantage.

Don't worry. Almost any evidence he tries to find will be "hearsay" and you can shut him down. Unless he gets on the stand and SAYS that you told him that you were gay or that you were moleted, and even then, that's probably protected communications that he cannot use, then he's probably out of luck. Is it likely that he'll find your gay lover and get her to testify against you? Well, if you're not gay, the chances are pretty slim. Is it likely that he'll find your molester and get him/her to testify against his/her own penal interests and admit to having molested you? Again, not likely. Is he going to find a letter that you wrote to someone in which you admitted being gay or being molested? If you never wrote such a letter, then that's probably not going to happen either.

Don't worry. The legal system is obtuse and unweildy, but it does have some measures to keep malicious claims out.

If he does decide to get up on the stand and perjur himself and make up stuff about you, then perhaps you could have a defamation of character suit ready to file. If he wants to lie to the court, and if you can SHOW the court that he's lying, then he'll have dug his own grave.

Again, don't worry... Just be ready.

Thanks, TD. I talked to my aunt for almost an hour this afternoon while I was waiting for him to come back with DD. I swear, I go from feeling confident to feeling really scared and then back again. It's just so disturbing to have a stranger call me up with intimate details about me, even if they're wrong.

When WH brought DD back, he handed me a letter that documented him asking me if he could go upstairs and look through his personal files. I told him he could, but DD and I were going with him. He protested me accompanying him, but I went anyway. He took his truck title, old checkstubs from a couple jobs he held last year, and he started going through the old joint checking account files. He took the folder, saying he'd make copies of them and bring it back. I didn't see a problem with him taking them, b/c they are in his name, too. Don't know why he would want them, so I'm wondering what he's up to.

Without me even asking, he said, "That letter was what you thought it was." about the insurance. I had assumed it was proof of coverage so he could get coverage from another company, and that's what he said it was. But why would my helpful friend say the OW said otherwise?

It's so hard to know what to believe... It could be all this malicious stuff the friend says comes from OW could be just OW blowing smoke. But then again, it could be true... I just don't know. This stuff makes me so anxious. I just want it over with, you know?

On an unrelated note, DD christened the bathtub tonight. She was just sitting there, playing in the water and pooped. Eeeww! So she had to get another bath in other bathtub, and now I have to scrub hers with bleach. Yucko, but it was pretty funny. Got my mind off of things for a few minutes anyway!

Your timeline puts everything close. So I wouldn't sweat about the Dec change date.

As for the Ws being a stinker about your past, go check out the WS and OW backgrounds, give it to your attorney and be ready to expose in court. Is this blackmail ammo? Nope, just protection if needed. BTW, to fight for custody for your D, you may have to show the WS and OW are nutso anyways.

Don't panic. The WS is trying to push your buttons, we can help you use his stuipd antics to your benefit. It's called reverse babble and even if the WS was to read it, he still wouldn't understand. U need t/b safe and sane for your family.

BTW, if the OW is sooo great, why does he have to make poop and throw it at you? Maybe it's poop from the OW, u know how they stink.

take care,
L.

WH's background is clean as a whistle. We've been together since high school. OW on the other hand, not so much. WH was an upstanding citizen until she came around.

I just can't believe he would stoop so low as to accuse me of this stuff. None of it is true. Yes, I listen to the Indigo Girls and Ani DiFranco, but that doesn't make me gay. Heck, he listens to Eminem but that doesn't him a gangsta. And to go digging to see if I was ever molested?? I think that would just make him look like a jerk for not being compassionate. I hate to think what kind of conversations WH and OW have about me...

But, I will keep praying and doing my best to be a good mom to DD. I know God won't let us down!

So you were never molested, right?

My guess is he's just trying to rattle you.

Why is it that when a marriage is ending one spouse feels the need to be nasty? Don't get it.

Ask him if he or the OW are bi?!?!? LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I raised that question to the WS a few times. He seemed offended?!!??! Ha!!! I told him that I just wasn't sure what his preference was.

RB back!

L.

I'm no lawyer, but I think that even this would be heresay.

I agree with many of the posters here, the judge would probably think he was over-the-top if he brought up these sort of allegations (that can not be substantiated) in the divorce proceedings.

It appears he his taking guidance from OW. What does she do professionally, that he is willing to trust her to be advising him?

Who

Depending on how you define a lawyer, I may or may not be one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> (Just got the degree, but I haven't taken the bar yet.)

Anyway, you're right, that IS hearsay, BUT it falls into an exception. "Party Opponent Exception" Basically, in a civil suit, if somebody is willing to get on the stand and testify for the other side that YOU said something (and that they heard you say it), then it's admissible.

There are certain exceptions to the exceptions, specifically, the spousal confidential communications exception that may be applicable. Geez, I need to get back to studying for the bar, because I *should* know that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

SadMommy,
I'm so sorry he's being such a jerk. It does sound like OW is "helping" - I know the OW in our sitch sure did help Wh stoop to new lows!

Just let it roll off you as much as possible - judges see this stuff day in & day out. I bet you would have like 150 character witnesses that could attest to what a great mom you've been to DD thru all of WH's shenanigans (and that's not even including all the MBers reading your story who think you've done great!)

He's just trying to make it look "even" - well guess what WH? It's not even, it's not going to look even, and the judges see it every day.

Don't let him rile you. He would need EVIDENCE of misconduct on your part, right?

From your threads on another discussion forum here from a while back it sounds like WH is the one with SF issues, not you.

MSA

I've been out of pocket today at a meeting... thanks for all your responses to my post. Believer, in answer to your Q, no, never.

I talked to my lawyer today, and he said I shouldn't talk to the mystery man anymore b/c all it does is stress me out.

I got something in the mail today that makes me think WH was telling the truth about what came for him from my insurance co... a certificate proving he had had coverage addressed to me this time.

I'm just really wondering about this mysterious man, if he really is trying to help or just trying to stir me up on their behalf? There's no telling. Then again, maybe OW has an inkling he's talkig to me, so she's telling him whoppers on purpose? Or maybe it's just her fantasy? At this point, nothing would surprise me.

Hi SadMommy, I wanted to let you know my W filed for divorce on Friday. Very disappointing. But strangely, living in limbo for the last 18 months has been so stressful that I actually feel relieved. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Maybe it'll pass.

Regards

HardHead, that's too bad. I know what you mean about the relief. The limbo really sux. Even after filing, we're STILL in limbo, though.

Here's a question for any accountants on the board... with tax time coming up, what will be the best way for WH and I to file? He had said he wanted to go "married filing separately," but it looks like you can't count student loan interest or dependent care, both of which I would like to deduct, plus, the deduction in general isn't as large. I know I can't afford to pay any extra tax this year and I'm hoping for a refund...

I would like to file as head of household, but WH left in Sept, so we've only been separated 4 months in 2005. Can we still file jointly? That seems like the best way to go... Any advice, please?

bump

Hmm... This is long, but I'm having some drama issues with my mama and could use some help. Some background: Mom left my dad and moved 800+ miles away when I was in college. I don't know if she met her BF before or after she left, but they've been living together for several years. Mom has a lot of medical issues... chronic back pain, many meds, depression, several surgeries. He turned out to be a real jerk... gambling, cheating on her, internet porn, drugs, who knows what else. For the last couple years, things were really bad, emotionally abusive. And I got to hear about it everytime I called her. She would go on and on for half an hour or more about how awful he is. She felt trapped. WH began hating her for what she put me through, b/c I would be really upset everytime she called. My aunt, who lives in another state, dropped everything and moved Mom to their home state to get away from him. She was out of the situation for a few months, but then he started calling her, crying, saying he'd changed, that he wanted to be with her the rest of his life. Against our wishes and her better judgment, she went back. We (me, aunt and sibs) told her that it was her choice, but if things went sour, we couldn't listen to it b/c she had a chance to get out of it.

Now things are bad again. She's facing some really serious surgery that's going to have her laid up for a while. And the daily phone calls I make for support in my own situation have turned into the marathon gripe sessions I hated in the past. I don't like hearing about the sordid details of their drama, and I am not strong enough to support her through this [email]cr@p[/email] again. But I don't know how to tell her that... I feel like she is pretty fragile right now, and I don't want to make things worse.

On top of all this, my aunt found a chat log of Mom's from she lived there, and she called me yesterday all upset. In it, Mom was saying my aunt is selfish, that she couldn't wait to go back home. She was talking with this guy she and the BF had met for swinging purposes. (according to the aunt, BF had wanted to "watch" Mom with someone else. EWW! There are some things you just don't want to know.)

Believe it or not, she was upset when he didn't propose at Christmas. The thought my mom being with this creep turns my stomach, but she gets to the point of feeling helpless and feeding off people's sympathies. She won't make a real plan and follow through, to leave this jerk. She won't even confront him with what she's found, b/c then "he'll be mean to her." I love my mom, but I can't deal with my mess and hers, too. Any ideas on how I can tell her that nicely w/out alienating her? I am tired of being the adult here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hey, come on...surely SOMEONE has some advice for me on this... please help me, you guys!

Dear Abby the 2nd, and the 1st, for that matter--as well as the now-defunct Ann Landers--all encourage(d) children (from youth right through adulthood) in similar circumstances to simply tell the parent something like this: "I'm sorry. I know you're having a rough time with blahblahblah. But even though I love you, I really can't help you with this, and right now it's too upsetting to me to even listen to you talk about it. I don't want to have to quit visiting with you on the phone, but I'm going to have to hang up from now on if blahblahblah comes up again." And then, if it does, excuse yourself and politely discontinue the phone call.

If your mother is trainable, it shouldn't take too many truncated phone calls to learn to leave the subject alone. If she's not, then you might as well find out now, and start putting the necessary distance between your problems and hers. Good luck.

t&l