Hello fellow MBers,
I have not been here in quite a while. I have been riding the waves and trying to figure out LIFE..lol
DDay was in spring of 05, so still new with this.
Did plan B first, then plan A for as long as I could. But there is still issues with my WS or FWS...not sure here either. Now it is just stuck in limbo is the best way to describe it.
He states that he never loved me as much as he does now since the A. I truely loved this man with all my heart up until about a year before the A was discovered. The A was happening for a 2 years before I discovered it. But I sit here and know that in my heart I do not love this person anymore. I have deep feelings for him because he is the father of our children, and he is familiar. But the true love is not there anymore.
I look back over the whole 17 years of marriage and try to figure out where it went wrong. He has stated many times that we had a great marriage, and he was very happy. His A according to him, was a midlife thing, and a male ego thing because his parts did not work well for him. He still sticks to this. He refuses to tell me details about the A, not the actual A...could care less, but the feelings he had to lead to this, where the marriage went wrong in his words.
When I tried plan A, I gave it 100%. But the feelings have not come back. I meet his needs fully including the SN, which were frankly very difficult for me. But the love back for me never had any deposits and his is overfull.
I have stuck to one thing though, I will not lie. I do not love him and will not say it to him. He tells me he loves me and I cannot return the words. I just cant. Now when he says those words I almost cringe, knowing he is going to get hurt by me not saying it back. Vicious circle.
He thinks I am actually in love with him, but denying it to him to try to hurt him. He tells me this and no matter how much I try to explain, he still thinks this.
Does the LOVE ever come back if it is this far gone?

Hi Just Empty -

That is a very good question.....Is your H doing anything FOR YOU. To put deposits in your Love Bank? Besides telling you that he loves you?

His seems to be overflowing, but yours is empty. What did he do to help you recover after the A? Is the A over?

There are so many steps to building your Love Bank up during recovery.....

You said you did Plan A for as long as you could. What Plan are you in now?

Kim

I had the same thought - what is he doing to fill your Love Bank?

Kim,
He says he is trying the best he can.
He has my list of 3 most important needs.
He does not meet them. He trys to meet mine by doing his. In this, he needs affection, admiration, SN, communication, etc. So he gives these to me in his way to get them back from me. Mine are family, honesty and openness, domestic support.
He trys in his words, by touching me more, SN, telling me he loves me, and calling me many times during the day to let me know he loves me.
About the A. I do not know if it is over. He says it is. He says it was before Dday. He was having the A during his lunch breaks and on his day off. We both worked day shift and his days off were Mondays and Tuesdays. I work Mon-Friday. So it happened at work and on days off when I was at work. Other than that he was always home when I was, and no cell stuff etc.
When I first suspected the A, months before Dday, he swore on his childrens life and the bible there was no A. So his word means nothing to me as a loving mother and christian.
So he says no A anymore. But on a few occasions when I have called him on his day off at home, there is no answer and he returns my call after 3-4 hours of me leaving a message.
As for what plan we are in right now....
I am not really sure. My love bank is bankrupt. I cannot continue plan A. I do not know what to do anymore. I think it is withdrawl on my part, but I cannot get out. I do not want to fight, I do not want to hurt him, I do forgive him, I just do not love him. I want too, I want to love him like I did before. He was my best friend, my lover, my knight in shining armor...all of that. I am so lonely. I fear that I may end up having an affair myself and I know I could not live with doing that, but I do have some taker coming out at times that wants someone else. That scares the heck out of me, but I know it is always a danger.
JE

It sounds like you are not certain that the A is over. How long ago did he SAY it was over? Do they still see each other at work?

You have both filled out the emotional needs questionnaire then & shared this information with each other?

Is he willing to do MC with you? Preferably with the Harleys?

Kim

"I do not want to fight, I do not want to hurt him, I do forgive him, I just do not love him."

I suggest the two of you get some marriage counseling, preferably by the Harleys. Your quote above gave me chills. That is the place I am. I'm done, and don't care anymore.

Kim,
He said it was over in Nov. 04. DDay was May 05.
Yes we did the EN and even read all the books and I printed many things from this and other websites and he read them too.
We both did IC and then MC. The counselor says he has a passive/aggresive personality and he is a ...cant think of the word...but it all about him, he cannot think past himself and gave him exercises to help him. The MC also had a big problem with me not loving him and said that without love there is no marriage and no sense in MC.
His IC dropped him and he has not gone with another, thinks he is healed. He was depressed and now on AD's.
I have suggested the Harleys and he refuses because he thinks he is doing great and can make me fall back in love with him.
My IC went well, I was not only dealing with the feelings after DDay, but also my past came back full force and hit me right in the head. I was abused physically and emotionally by mother, sexually by stepdad, and raped as a teenager. I dealt with it then and dealt with it again after DDay. My IC said I was a very strong person and that my coping techniques were great and helped me get everything in check with those things.
I am a good person, I love "me" for who I am, I accept that I was part of the problem with marriage prior to the A. I have trust and touch issues. I cannot change my past, I cope with today. I accept that is part of me.
But that is where it has all stopped. Limbo....
JE

Narcissistic personality disorder?

Believer,
I am sorry. I sound like an uncaring and cold person.
I am not very emotional, distant at times, and hardened. But I do care. I just have to work hard each day to show people this. It is my faults and I do recognize this.
That is the person that my WH dealt with at times during the marriage. I have apologigized for this, and work hard not to be that way. A work in progress...lol..
I really do want to have my best friend and lover back. I have broken down many of my walls to let him in. The walls that protect me from many things. But in Plan A I did that for the Marriage and us. But did not get what I bargained for and only got hurt again and again. The walls immediately go up and I shut down, emotionally and mentally. Then I work to break down these walls and try and try again. But each time, the love faded faster and faster. I put so much into us that ME got lost. So I concentrated on ME and found out the love was gone.
Is that not a danger with the whole A thing. You may find out that you are not meant to be together? I made the choice to work on ME before I self destructed and in that lost US. But what could I do?
That has been a 3 month battle and finally I have survived again. But lost my best friend.
JE

YES Believer...Narcisstic...or however it is spelled.
With that, you make a choice..either live with that behavior or leave them.
Thank you....
JE

I figured that was it.

So does the love ever come back?
If so, what can I do to help with it?
What might I be doing wrong?
Is this normal after almost a year?
JE

Justempty,

It is highly unlikely that plan A will help you get your love back. In fact plan A is not recommended for an extensive period of time because it requires that you put your "taker" on hold and just be a "giver". That is not healthy for the long term. There must be a balance.

If your H has the disorder that Believer mentioned it is sort of a take it or leave it situation. Further, since your major needs are not being met, there is little help on that score as well.

None of the plans or approaches here will help someone with the disorder your H has. I hope you realize that.

Most people regain their love by "loving" their spouse which is actually a verb. But, it is NOT likely to happen if the spouse doesn't love you back as in the verb again. Your feelings or the lack of "in-love" feelings are really not the love most talk about.

You have been working this for a long time. It seems your H has worked on it as much as he wants.

I have no recommendations for you, because truely this is your choice, but I think your H has to address this disorder or you will not feel better in this marriage. I wish I could offer advice that might help, but I really don't have much useful to say.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL
I have been battling myself to the point of thinking it was all me again. Not a healthy thing to do, but none the less I was doing it. Just chatting on here, putting my thoughts into typed words, and hearing validation or even harsh criticism help to keep my head on straight.
I have made a promise to him and myself, and he did too. No matter what, we stay together until the youngest turn 18 and go to college.
That is pretty much where it has been for a couple of months. I just wish that the marriage fairy could come and make it all better.
Thank you again.
JE