There is a secret that I have been keeping from my WH for quite awhile. And today as I was reading and praying I had an AH HA moment. Something clicked inside of me and I saw how this very secret has kept me from real recovery in the past with my WH. It has to do with my own affair and how I deceived my WH and myself all these years.

Now with things the way they are betweeen us - do I tell him and risk further estrangement, do I just keep it for awhile until the time is right - or do I just not share it. I see clearly how this has damaged our relationship these last four years. And I am now taking steps to make sure it never happens again. But still - what is my responsibility tp WH.

Honesty. If failure to be honest has hindered recovery, why would you want to continue in dishonesty?

Jan,

The essential point of radical honesty is to allow your spouse to have all the information on which to make his or her own free choices about the relationship.

Lies are used to attempt to control the outcome of a situation.

Control of information or witholding of important information is used to attempt to control the outcome.

Radical Honesty frees both partners in different ways. The one who is giving the information is freed from the strain of trying to manage the outcome.

There is no way to know what will be the effect of telling your H about this.

Withholding the information or waiting for a favorable moment to divulge it is a burden from which you can free yourself by simply telling him. Don't try to manage or control his response to it.

-AD

Jan people can't read minds...

but from what I gather from your last post is that you have been and are in contact with your OM....

If you want to marriagebuild then you must address this with him

ARK

Ark -

I have been in touch with OM. And I see now how much it poisoned my interactions with my husband. I spoke with my WH last night for quite awhile and came completely clean. I have no more secrets. WH listened, was supportive and thanked me for being honest. I also told him I was going to go NC now - I will write a letter today and send it off. I realize me WH must be incredibly hurt and I am finally owning up to my responsibility.

It all comes down to - I had an affair - regardless of the circumstances or attitudes at play in my marriage. I strayed and have provided an environment where reconcilliation wasn't possible.

Now I need to accept the path laid out before me and try to rebuild my life. With or without WH.

clap clap clap
This is me applauding you Jan. Now true recovery can begin. Good going. Now send that NC letter to OM and continue with the radical honesty.

Good Job Jan. I wish you the best.

God Bless,

-Caren

Jan - today is the first day of your new marriage! Welcome to it!

Good for you, Jan. It doesn't excuse his affair, but it sets the groundwork for reconciliation

Just had HORRIBLE words with him - he is so angry about OM and was yelling (he seldom yells). I am afraid I lost it - love blasted - both of us did a real good job at that.

I am incredibly hurt right now - as is he. He just wants me to get help and leave him be. He thinks I have all those issues - that i am still hiding something from him. I have been completely and RADICALLY honest - there are NO more secrets.

He says I have always been angry - I don't understand that -does a person who was molested by a group of older boys when she was 8 and then by my father when I was a pre-teen - have anger? I guess I am being really stupid here - but could that be part of my problem? Could I have had this pent up anger all these years and not fully recognized it? He says I have been angry for years.

Well regardless - he wants nothing to do with me now - wants me to find help - he just doesn't want to be there anymore. And he keeps saying I need hlpe - that I am a long way from being ready for any type of a relationship with him. This is so confusing.

And his relationship with this other woman is nothing? ANd he refuses to be honest with me - despite my attempts to be radically honest with him. I didn't tell him my secrets to manipulate him into an action - I just wanted him to see how important he was to me that I wanted to be totally honest with him.

Oh this is going to be tough - I have to keep getting stronger! I just wish that every interaction with WH wasn't so draining.

If his words provoked a strong emotional response in you --- look for the kernel(s) of truth in what he said.

There must be something there that caused you to react.

Here's a homework assignment <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

learn how to hear and take in very unflattering things without losing your temper

it is an awesome tool to have at your disposal if you are trying to become intimate with someone

OH have I been trying this already Pepper - but it is Hard with WS - he sure has been spewing the negative stuff alot.

I guess I'll try harder!

I can manage this at work just fine - have a few tempermental Dr.'s. I can usually let it role off. But with WH it is really hard - the things he does and say have more power to hurt than any other.

Jancancorp,

You ask if your childhood molestation could be the cause of your anger. The short answer is YUP! Get some counseling first and foremost or you will take this with you to your next relationship. I could not help but notice the timelines of your affair and your H's. Has it crossed your mind that they are connected? You were in a long term affair and it started before your H's. There was/is little chance you could provide for him what he needed to end the affair, and IF you do have anger issues, he has had little motivation.

I am just sitting here wondering, what your marriage would be like if you two actually tried to be dedicated to one another, and you addressed your anger issues (if in fact that is the issue). It is clear that neither of you have taken one single honest step in your marriage in close to 4 years. Do you suppose that has led to your attitude toward your H, and his toward you?

Something to reflect on. Oh, I am sure you are aware if you treat another man as you have treated your H, it will NOT go better. If he were here I would tell him the same thing.

You two have a lot to learn before you EVEN CONSIDER breaking up this marriage, no one else deserves the baggabe you two are carrying.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL