Hi all,

You may have seen my earlier thread: Separation Imminent

Brief update:
[*] My WW has moved out to a local flat. She has told the children (aged 6 and 8) it is a like a "den" where she can have time and space alone, but that she still loves them and and me and will be there for them.
[*] She is planning to come to the house at 0745 each day, get them to school, pick them up, and then stay in the house until about 7 or 8pm until they are getting ready for bed. This is necessary as I do need to work!
[*] She told me she was not contacting OM but has been contacting him. When I asked point blank, she looked me in the face and lied, saying she had not spoken to him outside their Choir relationship.
[*] However, and in fact, she has got a "Pay as you go" Affair Phone to keep up contact with him, and has had 7 hrs worth of conversation on it during the past week alone. As a result, I know for certain that she is lying to me.
[*] I took the phone from her bag yesterday and hid it. When she discovered it was missing she went round the house looking for it. But she did not ask me about it, and I have not yet confronted her about it. [I'm not sure if I should do so, or wait for her to bring it up].
[*] I confronted OM on Friday [it's Sunday now], and asked him about his background. He says he is a Christian. When asked how the affair fits in with his morals, he simply said that he was where he was. He says that his sister has a successful relationship that started this way.
[*] I asked him to do the honourable thing and leave my wife alone - and to do so to leave the choir. He said he would consider it (and let me know by Tuesday).
[*] I have yet to expose him in his church, but will do so if he does not leave my wife's choir.

My question is, in this scenario, do I progress with Plan A or should I move to Plan B?

For Plan A
I need to break up the affair, but because of the separation I cannot tell whether there is any contact. I am progressing with my incremental exposure plan as detailed in the other thread and will see if this has any results.

On a related front, was taking the phone and not confronting her about it a LB? What should I do about it now (the phone is still hidden)?

Since my WW is lying to me, I cannot trust what she says and/or confirm when/if the affair contact ends.

I am doing what I can to improve myself, avoid LBs, and meet her ENs. However, what with the separation, I will only see her around the kids and will have little opportunity to meet her ENs. She does not want to spend time with me, but has agreed to go out with me one evening a week.

The question is, is Plan A the right approach in this scenario?

For Plan B
I would need to separate completely, which is difficult since I do not want to move out of the house or not see the children.

I could change the locks and tell her unless she ends the relationship and commits to the marriage, she cannot see the children, etc. However, I do not know how this would work legally or practically.

Conclusion
I am currently believing that Plan A is the right answer, despite the difficulties. However, I don't want to do the wrong thing and would appreciate any advice.

Thanks
DRD

Plan A

all the way

which --- means FULL FRONTAL EXPOSURE at church --- go to the pastor and expose them and ask for help breaking up the affair

protect yourself financially --- who is paying for the phone and the flat so your WW can meet OM at her whim? If you are paying for anything of hers --- stop immediately

destroy all joint credit cards

and Plan A --- meet her needs but all the while attack the affair as the enemy

carrot and stick of plan A

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

EXPOSE to her parents

EXPOSE to OM's wife or girlfriend (if applicable)

Get concrete evidence and keep it at your parent's house

if she wants to live separate lives ---- she ought to experience coming home to find an empty house (you and kids gone with no explaination) once in awhile

Can your parents fill in as babysitters so you can go out on a date with your wife?

Pep's right (of course)...Plan A all the way. Do not worry about Plan B for quite some time.

Plan A ends when you literally are at your end and can no longer Plan A as Plan B is really not a technique for saving your marriage. It more about saving the last remaining love you have for your wife in case she wakes up and comes back AND moving on with your life without her under the presumption she ain't coming back.

As far as the phone. Keep it hidden. A WS is so wrapped up and confused she will have no idea what SHE has done with it. She may suspect you but she'll never say anything to you. If she does...give her a denial in the form of a white lie. Don't flat out lie...just say what phone. Then turn the conversation back to her and ask why she has a secret phone, who is she talking to?, look confused but never answer her question and lie directly. It may be easier to lie directly but I've learned around here that lie's can come back and bite you in the butt.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I guess Wednesday is EXPOSURE day...stick to your previously stated plan...and...get 'er done.

Thanks MrW and Pep,

It is still relatively early days for me (only 3 weeks since full knowledge of the affair) so I also believe I need to continue Plan A. However, it's already getting hard to feel / be positive.

Wednesday will almost certainly be exposure day to the OM's vicar / church. Unfortunately he is divorced. Will try to obtain his parent's and ex-wife's names and addresses and expose there, but since I have no relationship with him (and he is not local to me) it's difficult for me to investigate these. He did say in my meeting with him that his parents already know, but this may have been a lie. Any suggestions as to how I would go about finding this info in the UK?

I'm not sure how much more I should expose to her mum - she has already told her that there is another man, but only about the EA, not about the PA side of it. The unfortunate fact is that her mum can actually be a negative influence, and it caused her huge stress last time I spoke to her mum (even though I didn't say anything but positive stuff about how much I loved her and wanted to work on the marriage).

We have a joint bank account, so it would be very difficult to cut her off financially. Unfortunately, this means that the flat payments will come out of it. But in any case, she has access to independent funds (much of which originally came from me) so it would be futile to cut her off from this account in any case. I don't think she is at the stage where she is spending loads on the affair or will destroy us financially. I believe that, in the main, she is still acting responsibly in this regard. However, I have made provision to protect my legal responsibilities just in case (such as payment of UK tax, etc).

I am going to go on dates with her, on at least a weekly basis. This should be good, at least. I hope it makes a difference. However, she's refused to start any new activity together, and is only willing to go for a drink or a meal. It's a start, though.

I do think it's an interesting idea to allow her to come home to an empty house some day, though. The difficult thing will be that she is still going to be doing all school pickups, etc. A twist on this might be to head off somewhere (e.g. to my parents) for the weekend without telling her.

Anyway, keep up the suggestions, and I'll keep posting off and on. I really appreciate the support here.

DRD