Found out my W is having an affair about three weeks ago. Called her out on it last week when she filed for D. Are separated (geographically by thousands of miles, not legally), have three kids D18, S15, S13 with me. D18 knows about the A since the W had sent the notification of filing in an e-mail to her and we had a conversation she figured it out. The big question is should I tell my S15? He is already pretty ticked at her for abandoning us so don't want to upset him too much but at the same time doesn't seem right that he doesn't know. Read the Surviving An Affair book but it doesn't cover this topic. Would like to hear from others out there on what the pros and cons may be or from those that may have experience with this. Thanks, RJ

Stormy,
I can tell you that there is no good answer either way you look at it.
I can tell you what happened with me.
My WH had a 2 plus year A. My children are all teenagers also. My son 17 figured it out real quick after dday. I did not tell him and when he questioned I just told him that we had problems and were working on it. But he knew anyway and said some wonderful things that every parent wishes of thier child when they are grown. I got to see the person he will become, caring, sensitive, responsible, and honest.
The other 3 had no clue, just that mom asked dad to leave.
I did not feel that they needed the details. I live each day knowing that my daughters think that I kicked dad out and it was all my fault. I will add that I would rather take that hit, then tell these girls what really happened.
They see that we are working on a marriage, it is hard work, but they are all benefitting from that.
Did I want to tell them? Heck yes.
Why? I think in the beginning, it was to just get it off my chest and feel vindicated. After though, it has become more of a crusade for me that they not know. I see how the relationship with my son and his dad is and how it is not affected with the girls. I want that back for my son. I want him to have his innocence about his dad he once had.
Your story is different: you are miles apart, mom deserted them, etc. I just thought my 2 cents might help a little.
JE

JE, Thanks for the input. You're right there are no easy answers in any of this. I see my W as trying to hide the A until after D and then begin "officially dating" the OM. S15 will probably see through charade and am concerned about him either thinking I didn't know or why didn't I tell him earlier. Just don't know. Stormy06

Stormy,
Either way it is a lose/lose situation for the child. But you can be there to soften the blow with either way it is known.
Are you sure he doesnt know?
Have you chatted with him about his mom? About her behaviors, etc?

See we here at home continue like a happily married couple. In front of family and friends, we kiss (little pecks), hold hands, and hug. All discussions about the marriage are done either when they are at school, or on our one night together without them. That is the extent we have gone to protect the girls. I wish I could have protected my son. But he has a good head and is very intelligent, more than us thats for darn sure. LOL

Hope some of the veterans come here and can give you better advice. Hold strong.
JE

PS....
Try posting on the general questions II board, much more veterans there and answers are quicker.
JE

JE, No I'm not sure he doesn't know because it's so hard to talk to him. Every time we try to talk about W his tears well up and I get chocked up. Its a guy thing to feel ashamed to cry in front of each other. Will try a more subtle approach and see how that pans out. Also, would have to believe that at some point D18 would let it out even though asked her to keep between us. Maybe she has already? Trying to keep things civil w/W and she'd probably think I was manipulating S15 by telling him. Always a rock and a hard palce. S

Oh guys are like that...lol
Time to come over to the crying hall of female emotion boards..lol...
Let us know how things turn out.
Keep strong but also keep true.
JE

Well, had THE talk w/S15. We had some time alone after school/work and before dinner prep and talked my way around the A until it lead to the conclusion. He took it better than D18 because it turns out he already had it figured. Even filled me in with some details from his perspective I didn't have. Overall a good talk that didn't get too emotional. Maybe we are all just too drained right now. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Thanks all for the advice and please keep it coming. Stormy06

Two down, one to go but it will be hardest telling the S13. Maybe need to bring in the professionals for this one. Just another thing that doesn;t seem right that the WW who filed for D is not here to catch any of the emotional fallout from her youngest.

They never are. At this point they are already emotionally detached even if they are thousands of miles away physically.

Who

Emotionally detached...that sounds right. Would think she joined a cult or something her thinking is so different now. Need to figure out how to become emotionally detached from her like she did with us.

BH after 23 yrs
3 kids w/me D18, S15, S13
D-day: what is D-day?
separated Aug 05

d-day: Date the affair was discovered.

Oh, D-day is the date the affair was discovered, that would be Dec 24th, after a surprise trip back to where W lives was announced. Quite the Xmas present.

BH after 23 yrs M, both 47
3 kids w/me D18, S15, S13
D-day: 24 Dec 05
separated Aug 05