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Found out my W is having an affair about three weeks ago. Called her out on it last week when she filed for D. Are separated (geographically by thousands of miles, not legally), have three kids D18, S15, S13 with me. D18 knows about the A since the W had sent the notification of filing in an e-mail to her and we had a conversation she figured it out. The big question is should I tell my S15? He is already pretty ticked at her for abandoning us so don't want to upset him too much but at the same time doesn't seem right that he doesn't know. Read the Surviving An Affair book but it doesn't cover this topic. Would like to hear from others out there on what the pros and cons may be or from those that may have experience with this. Thanks, RJ
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Wow Stormy, 3 teens in the midst of mom leaving, and divorce filed! How shocking that must be for all of you's.
I do feel it's best that S15 is told, but how to do it in the best way....I don't know. I hope someone here will chime in on this.
It sounds like you are going to need a lot professional guidance. Tread carefully Stormy.
Blessings,
Lady
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Lady, Thanks, telling him was the direction I was leaning in but the how and when are difficult to figure out. Needs to be on one of my better days which today was not. Will tread carefully, thanks again, and keep us in your prayers. Stormy
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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How you tell is important. Tell all your children and also lay the groundwork for creating a support team where each of the children feel responsible to the family. Reassure them of your love and that you will not abandon them. Ask for their help and support also. It is vital the children feel needed. They want to help you also....don't deny them that.
Also, make IC available for your children. Give them the option and encourage them to have a place to talk. Let them know they can come to you at any time but if they want an IC to help them, that is available.
Make sure you get MC help. Can you give a call to Jennifer @ MB to get some phone counseling?
L.
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Thanks for the words of wisdom Orchid. I had been a little slack in asking for the kids to do chores or asking for support/trying to be the rock but did ask and they were more than willing to pitch in around the house. Need to get up to speed on the acronyms though, IC? MC? Imagine the C is for counseling, I = Individual? M = Multiple? Think they know I would not abandon them but have learned not to assume and good thing to hear. Thanks again, Stormy06
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Stormy,
How are you doing?
"Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." Saint Exupery
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lealas, How am I doing? Ask me about every ten minutes and get a different answer. Hanging in is about the best one. Accidentally came across some photos last night and went through disbelief again. This web board really helps to connect and ground. Thanks for asking.
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Alert schools that there is a family crisis, ask for their help and understanding.
My opinion is, this is abandonment, and they all will need a bit of counseling ... even if the kids say "I'm fine."
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Well, had THE talk w/S15. We had some time alone after school/work and before dinner prep and talked my way around the A until it lead to the conclusion. He took it better than D18 because it turns out he already had it figured. Even filled me in with some details from his perspective I didn't have. Overall a good talk that didn't get too emotional. Maybe we are all just too drained right now. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Thanks all for the advice and please keep it coming. Stormy06
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Stormy,
I would guess that S13 may have some idea too. When my parent's separated & divorced I was 12. I knew my dad was having an A without my mom EVER telling me. Kids are pretty preceptive. It would have helped me I think for my mom to come & talk to me. It's great you did that for S15, but I can't imagine this will be much of a secret that will not find it's way to S13 if he doesn't already know. Just a thought.
BS (me) 40 FWH 39
Married: 2/14/99
Together: 16 years
DD 6, DS 4, DD 3, DD 2, DS 2
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Also, read about the 5 stages of grief. Your whole family is going to go through this, so it's good to know it's coming. Right now, it sounds like you are still in the denial stage and your kids may be as well!! http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=145
BS (me) 40 FWH 39
Married: 2/14/99
Together: 16 years
DD 6, DS 4, DD 3, DD 2, DS 2
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W2BS, Maybe S13 knows, he is pretty sharp too but think he doesn't even know about impending D let alone A unless he's in denile too. Went to the website, like I put above ask me every 10 minutes and get a different answer. Didn't realize thos efive but they do cover most of what I've been feeling for a awhile now. Denile-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance, think right now in acceptance because the D papers were served to me today and I have to deal. Can only hope the other feelings don't come back as strong anytime soon. Thanks for posting. Stormy06
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Storm,
If the d papers were served, then you need to tell your youngest what is going on. Do it in an age appropriate manner, but make sure he knows what has happened and what will happen. THEN, get all of them together and have a talk about how they are feeling, possibility of some counseling, and that YOU will be there for them no matter what.
Studies show that kids your age are hit particularly hard by divorces, and the best way to handle it is before it really hits them, affects their grades, their self-confidence, etc.
I know you are hurting, but protect those children by giving them the tools to protect themselves, knowledge and love.
God Bless,
JL
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JL, Thanks, yes, the next project will have to be to figure out how to tell the youngest (S13) about the D (not the A yet). This will be the most difficult, he already has been having difficulty just missing her. Was thinking we could all get together to tell him over spring break but now see that is not a very realistic possibility. His hormones are already raging, now this on top. Have told him many times I'll always be there for them and will keep doing so. Thanks again, Stormy06
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Another rough day with the S13. Missed the bus and had to drive him to school. Really need to find a way to tell him about the D going on so we can all move on. W has not replied to e-mails about her getting together with the family for spring break. Don't think we can wait another month and a half anyway. Is there a right way or easy way to break the news?
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Catch me up on your story. Why is your wife living so far away?
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Finally got tired of waiting for a response so called the W to ask about Spring Break visit next month. She said she didn't think so. WTH, she basically only has four opportunities a year to see the kids and she passes. This after her talking about crying often and calling to say she misses them, I don't get it. Now I really have to find a way to tell the S13 about the D (not the affair yet) and live with the fallout on my own. Unless I just take him and fly back to the states. If W won't come to the mountain, the mountain may have to go to W. What does anybody think?
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Finally got tired of waiting for a response so called the W to ask about Spring Break visit next month. She said she didn't think so. WTH, she basically only has four opportunities a year to see the kids and she passes. This after her talking about crying often and calling to say she misses them, I don't get it. Now I really have to find a way to tell the S13 about the D (not the affair yet) and live with the fallout on my own. Unless I just take him and fly back to the states. If W won't come to the mountain, the mountain may have to go to W. What does anybody think? Don't move the mountain. L.
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Believer, didn't see your post on the new page. My wife is so far away because I'm in the Air Force and this time last year Hawaii came available to move to on the job. After a family discussion, we all wanted to move. Then a couple of months later she got a really good job she had been trying for for years where we were in CO. Started with her giving up the job when we moved, then just go back to CO for 3 months, then for 9 months to get seniority to transfer here and finally the e-mail that she wasn't coming back at all.
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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Orchid, I tend to agree with you on visit. Last time we went to her neck of the woods I spent most of the time thinking "this was a mistake to come here", we should have had the talk with S13 then. Probably the only way I'll go there now is if the court orders me as part of the divorce. Picked up the book "Helping your kids cope with divorce" which should give me some insight on how to deal with this issue. Will get into it tonight. Didn't see one on helping kids cope with your spouses affair. Just out of curiosity, why do you think it would not be a good idea to go there? Thanks,
Stormy06, BH
Married 23 yrs
both 47
D18, S15, S13 w/me
D-day 24 Dec 05
Separated 25 Aug 05
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