I have been 'officially' divorced since June 2005. My X has been emotionally, verbally, mentally, and on a few occassions physically abusive. Now since I am not in the picture, he has been harassing the kids, telling them things like if they dont call daddy, mommy will go to jail. etc. he was diagnosed when we had marriage counseling as a habitual liar, takes the stand in court with lies about everything - our property, me, etc. It is unbelievable. the judge believes him. he takes me back to court about every other month. i am emotionally exhausted, can't even concentrate at work, spend all my spare time looking at paperwork to prove his lies. today was the latest - i have been trying to get our kids baptized. he was fine with the godparents before, he 'rebuttled' over it this summer, i thought i would let it ride out and am trying to get them (all three of our kids 8,5, & 2) baptised. my 8 year old is supposed to make his first communion and in 2 weeks his first reconciliation with his class but can't until he's baptised. he told the priest that he will show up with the police if his children are baptised. so father wants to put everything on hold, doesn't want the 'publicity' of the police there. it is a big mess. just two weeks ago he threatened our realtor that he would file a grievance against her so they now don't want to hold our listing (why should they go through the hassle with a jerk like this).

i am at odds end. he told one of my friends in may of last year that "it'll never be over." and so far, he's right. how do i get this guy away from me and the kids? and especially get the judge to see that it is not me? I wish there was some way that i could get his psychological records -- then that would show what a real nut he is. plus how controlling he is - he has been fired from jobs for sexual harassment, and has been trying to control me for years.

i have spent thousands and thousands on attorney fees, just retained a new lawyer hoping he can help. but i can't keep affording to keep going back to court.

he is harassing me through the court system now, claims the kids are crying 'cuz mommy won't let them bring toys, that he nearly fully supports these children and she won't send clothes, etc. yet, when I do send things, i never get them back, or they are broken, or they are ripped, torn, and dirty.

any suggestions?????? HELP.

It is hard to deal with ex that is angry. Hang in there and make sure you don't loose your temper. Please get a middle person in communicating with ex or custody switch. Plus get a journal to keep track all of this.

He could huff and puff ... don't engage and react to it.

-rh-

Detach. It's hard to learn, but you must.
Also, Respond - don't react.
Let him huff & puff. Do what is best for your kids.
If first communion is delayed a year - so be it.

Do you have a counselor for yourself? If not, it might be helpful to have someone with whom you can plan strategy in dealing with your X.
Also, I believe each parent is supposed to provide food, shelter & clothing in their respective homes - so let him provide when they are with him.
Buy the book Mom's house/dad's house for ideas on dealing with issues.
And ask him to stop sending messages through the kids. But don't expect him to change.
You can only control yourself - so change how you respond.
Your kids will get it.

The courts will tire very quickly of his games. They have more important matters at hand. If you can't agree on something, perhaps you can set up a mediator as an intermediary rather than involving each side's lawyers. We did this and it seemed to work (for something as minute as a holiday schedule).

Thanks for the replies. My attorney even said he's never seen where it stipulates in the order to pack toys -- yet our order states I have to pack toys every time, clothes, he is allowed to contact me once a day in regard to the children's issues (Because I put in my order that he was calling excessively -- 4 to 7 times a day), which he was. He'd use up my entire answering machine, say things the children shouldn't hear, etc.

My children usually go to bed between 7:30 and 8:00. My middle child has a hard time getting up in the morning for school - so I asked for the best interest of the children instead of Thursdays from 6 - 9 pm could it be 5 - 8. the judge said no.

My x claims he can't always pick up the kids on time so he asked if he could have someone else pick the kids up - the judge states anyone we see fit.

he has harassed me through the children so I have him go to the police station to pick the children up. one time he refused to leave the police station without me, I told the police, they asked him to leave twice, he refused (its a civil matter, they can't do much) the baby started crying, etc. the police called the judge -- the judge just said "tell them both to leave" I left through another door and he was driving around the building with the kids looking for me. what a nut.

he threatened our realtor he was going to file a grievance with her - so she didn't want to list with us, called the judge on some matters, the judge said he didn't want to deal with it.

in our latest hearing, the judge states -- it has been a very contentious divorce with 13 motions not including the divorce hearing within 24 months.

so that is where all my time goes.

my x is a very good con. he appears perfect in court, has all the right answers, and like i said has been diagnosed as a habitual liar and sure does a lot of that.

he held a fairly prominent job in our small community for quite some time (got canned, but told the judge it was because he was working too many hours and putting a strain on the family so he decided to take another job) -- (it was all the 'time' he was spending not at work but having affairs that was putting the strain on the family). so i think my x dealt with the judge when there were law suits against his the company he worked for. i'm not sure.

i have a new lawyer but he is super busy. i was told it looks bad if i switch attorney's again.

i am trying to work with the women's center in town, child protective services (CPS), etc. but like everyone tells me -- mental abuse is hard to prove, and he is smart enough to know just how far he can take things in the court system without getting in trouble/caught. CPS has interviewed my kids, they say that there is a lot of inappropriate behavior going on by dad. they make reports and are in the process of forwarding them to the prosecuting attorney's office to decide whether there is enough to do something. i hope there is. i'm hoping they just don't think because i have a lawyer that i'll go after him instead. i am running out of time and money with this whole issue.

i thought his main girlfriend was half way decent since she is a school teacher, only to learn she is feeding my 23 month old beer. which i am absolutely livid about. the more the kids tell me about some of the things she or she lets her kids do makes me just cringe. i hate the kids going with him at all.

has anyone ever dealt with any of these problems?

Ask for a psychological evaluation to determine custody. It's expensive, but the psychological tests can identify abnormal behavior. You will also need to take the tests, as will the kids.
My X demanded these tests, and got less custody as a result. (sweet revenge). Judges take these things into account in custody and in court dealings, so his facade will no longer be intact.
Ask your lawyer about this. It could save alot of pain.

My X did have a psychological eval. when we went to marital counseling. He took the MMPI (Minnesota Multiple Personality Inventory) test and was diagnosed as a habitual liar. I didn't really find out what else was on the test, we asked him to waiver our counseling, but he refused. He never fought me on custody. He only has visitation at this point and we have joint legal decision making.

The CPS (child protective services) guy who is working on our case just told me today that it is an interesting case, a lot of psychological stuff going on which is hard to prove. He will be forwarding a report to the prosecuting atty. office next week and may go talk to my x next week as well. boy all will hit the fan if that does. he is the type that you don't want to be on his bad side. it does kinda make me scared for both the kids and myself. the hard part i'm dealing with right now is the fact that he continues to lie and make things up. i'm just hoping eventually the judge will see.

Has anyone ever dealt with emotional abuse on the children rather than physical where the courts were involved????

I was going to suggest the same thing Redhat did, just by writing all this stuff down and keeping it documented. That way, you can be prepared with your answers, and if he lies about something in particular, you can pin it right down to the exact wording, along with the date and time. I'm sure he's not logging every moment down, being the professional con that he is, he probably doesn't think he needs to. Habitual liars are fast thinkers with quick answers, so it would be one way to catch him off guard.

Hang in there, I know it's tough!

Jennifer

One more thing you might try. Get one of those keychain recording devices, it's used for recording a license plate number when driving. But it also comes in handy in those moments, when you couldn't prove some things that were said.

I had to use one of those when the counselors of my daughter didn't believe how extreme her behavior was at home. They just thought she was a typical teen, until they heard it for themselves. Once they did, they wanted to test her for being bi-polar. She was very good at controlling herself in front of them, so this was a way to show them the other side.

Anyway...just a thought! Take care... Jennifer

Could you prove this ?. I am very surprise if CPS didn't do anything. CPS have a duty to report to make a criminal report to police, giving alcohol to minor. If they didn't I would report it so DA could press charges on her.

If you feel harrased by your ex ... I would file a RO on him and GF. Get someone be the middle man ... basically NC. Get every single details into the decree so that you don't need to make return trips.

-rh-

thanks for the info. my kids have told cps everything - from the incident about the girlfriend giving my 23 month old beer, them getting drinks of beer from dad, to daddy saying if you don't call me mommy will go to jail, that he is teaching my 23 month old to say "mommy is mean" - i have very forward kids -- thank god! they have told countless times how daddy has lied, daddy lied to the cops, how daddy claims mommy is saying/doing stuff and she's not -- like he came to get the kids one time, flipped me off in front of the kids, and i said 'don't do that in front of the kids' and he started screaming 'did you hear that kids, did you hear that, mom is swearing and slamming the door at me, did you hear her swear' my 8 year old got up and yelled 'dad you're a liar' so they've pretty much told cps all of that.

none the less, he then takes me back to court for swearing in front of the kids all the time. cps asked the kids if mom or dad swears -- they said dad all the time. they've told them they know daddy's three girlfriends, etc. i'm sure they spilled a lot in an hour an a half sessions, twice each. i'm just hoping that the judge sees things -- he isn't very favorable to women, and he's the only one we have in this area. he likes to see families together, some have said 'second chance judge' so likely of him taking the kids from him is probably no hope. but he really is screwing these kids up mentally.

i do use a tape recorder. we are going back to court in march in regard to parenting issues. i have a tape recording of him harassing me through the kids, telling them to blame me for everything, etc. refusing to let us leave. telling the kids that he is going to take me back to court and have the kids testify against mommy.

at least me new lawyer said he will use it.

i can also tell the attitude of the kids when they are around him. plus i don't know if i mentioned this in earlier posts but the kids stay up so late with him, even on school nights when we asked in the best interest of the children, and the judge said no they have to stay with their father till 9 pm. (they normally go to bed at 7:30-8 pm) i am literally dragging them out of bed on friday and sometimes throughout the week if they've had a weekend with dad.

on a good note a just got a new job, only i have to start an hour earlier than my other job. i can't even get to my current job on time, i don't know how i'm going to get these kids up an hour and a half earlier than now. i can't believe the judge is ok with them (2,5, 8) being up till 9 pm on school nights.