OK - my story has been posted - along with some updates.

My WW & I had a conversation a couple of days ago and I'm not sure how to take it......both what she said and what she's doing.

NC w/ OM continues as far as I can tell.......D-day 9/28........last NC 11/10. Since 12/28 she's been different - more removed vs. less.

The recent conversation she says that she guesses prior to 12/28 she wasn't really dealing. She felt we wouldn't make it in the months prior to then (again - despite statements to me, MC, and all else to the contrary)......so she put the A on the back shelf vs. dealing with it.

Now - she claims she is but has to "grieve" of the loss of OM.

Now - I understand in reading here and elsewhere that this grieving of the loss of A/OM is kinda normal (even tho it doesn't seem so to BS's/me).......but it's how she's doing it and the avoidance of anything to do w/ us that has me questioning things.

She's avoiding coming here - that may change someday (I hope). She's avoiding reading much more about A's and anything I've gotten. She finds all redundant. She consider's her A wrong - but not her feelings for OM. She also doesn't necessarily think of him badly - she in fact equates what she has to "process" in her mind as a death and/or loss of good relationship?

As a result - she says that "like the loss/breakup of any relationship" - she claims that no relationship is wanted.......i.e., if you lose something/someone - then she/anyone would need a cooling off period/time to grieve in which she wouldn't want anyone around........therefore her justification for not wanting to talk and/or participate much in discussing us. So instead she only wants more & more time to herself. She is more & more avoiding time alone w/ me vs. seeking it out.

Note again that at this time - she still doesn't want to "committ to our relationship".........she still doesn't seem to want to recognize the damage to me this has done (nor wants to help me with what I need to help get past this)..........this seems to all be about her in the recovery process. She obviously can't talk about when or how long this process may take.

I guess my thought is that there should be some work/discussion on our R during this time. That the longer she takes/wants to "process" her loss alone vs. working with me on us will only make that effort more daunting down the road.

Plus - she really doesn't seem to still see this A in it's true light.

Any discussion of "what about us" or "what about me in my recovery" is met by statements about the past that almost elude to "well - you were unfair to me in the past.........so I can do it now". It's not that simple - but sorta what it boils down to.

She claims that "in her head" she's feeling better about us - but this has not resulted in any change in her actions (i.e., still distant, wants to be alone, etc.).

I guess I just question this solitary recovery process she has. Is it that she's still in fog? Or is it part of recovery (albeit within herself or head).

At this point again - note there has been no "letter", there has been no real apology, there has been no "coming clean" about the whole affair (to this date she has only admitted EA........but I know that it was PA too....in fact now there's no denial of PA - just no admittance either).

SOmething here doesn't feel right nor sound right within the context of all I read here. She claims she's "recovering/improving" - yet she seems to really not be here (expect in body).......and certainly not doing anything to "invest" in our R.........only in hers.......or at least what she perceives her R to be.

Any comments/advice? I'm feeling like I'm on the side of the road here watching her outside of our R work on her car.........while mine is broke down worse than hers. Yet she just looks at me and says "I'll get to your car later - mine is more important right now".

I realize based on reading many posts here - that there are positives - A)she's still here, B)her angry outbursts are lessening, C)she thinks we can recover someday, D)that she is happy w/ me now in meeting her EN's........

Yet there still is a "stall/delay" going on that smells funny?

That make sense?

Again - any advice? WS's - this all sound familiar to you? BS's - gone through this? Is this normal or avoidance?

Thanks.

I hate to tell you this, but I think she is having contact. I could have written your post. Turns out my H has probably been back in the A for almost 10 mos. (denies it still, but there is just too much pointing in that direction). Our recovery did not look like it should either. Trust yourself.

1. WH also said he needed time for his own R (I had an A too) and that would lead to us doing better, but it never did.
2. Never really seemed remorseful
3. Went to MC, but was not interested in applying what we were learning and did not want to talk about anything remotely upsetting.
4. I never had the sense he was really committed (except for 3 weeks in July. And we have been in "recovery" for 10 mos.)
5. Your W wanting to be alone is a major red flag
6. Actions speak louder than words. Trust what you are seeing, not what she says.

Good that you are trying to meet her needs.

Can you get intel to establish for sure whether she is back in contact? You need to know what you are up against. When I went to OW's house to check (after my WH had moved out), I knew without a doubt that he would be there. Trust your instincts, I wish I had sooner.

Take care, I know both sides of this fence and I know what you are going through. Remember to take time out for yourself and to not make everything about your M. Do things you enjoy, start IC, journal/talk to a friend/pray, etc.

Well - if there is contact my guess it is via phone only. But--I really don't think there is.

We had a talk recently and quite honestly - the lack of admittance of a PA was partially me. It was my desire to wait until A) I was stronger, and B) I felt she was solidly on "my side of the fence" and starting to try to meet my EN's prior to getting all the facts out. After reading a lot of posts here about the fact that unknown facts/lies that come out later don't seem to hurt any less - I decided to ask........and she told me.

It was a PA - and in fact started out as pure "wanting to get laid". Then it progressed from there. She was in his bed only 6 days after meeting - and only the 2nd meet. This bothered me obviously.

But she did own up to all - not exactly voluntarily - in that she did answer all questions I asked - but the owning up to all without me asking didn't happen.

As for where her head is at - she claims that she has to process. I need her to reach out. It's kinda a catch 22 at this point.

Her processing as she describes it is A) killing him off in her head, B) resurrecting first her belief in us and then working on it, C) guilt and personal reassessment.

She is starting to see the A for what it is - but hasn't finished the process of killing him off and putting him in the box she wants to put him in. 2nd - she felt prior to A that we as a "happy M" was dead (tho she didn't own up to this prior to A) and that feelings, passion, happiness, etc. was never going to result from our M....now she is rethinking and reprocessing this. I've changed a lot of my issues and been for the most part trying hard to meet her EN's - and she says she feels like she not only has to "raise her feelings for me/us" from the grave.......but also has to believe in me - that who I am now is really me. She says it's similiar to getting to know someone old and yet someone new. And the guilt of what she's done is getting to her.

She is in IC, I just started IC, and we're both in MC. Prayer for me is constant.

But her anti-social processing does bother me. I joke to her about her eating habits - and her personal process is almost the same.......i.e., she eats all her fries before she starts her burger. I.E., here - she wants to process and get her mind to a certain "place" before she can participate in the M properly to allow me to heal. I think that's not the right way - that she has to reach out now to a certain degree - although I can understand if she can't do so 100% yet.

So - we're in a place that feels like there's been some progress........yet--she does seem to preoccupied with personal "sorting out". Alone time seems OK for personal growth - but not for M growth.

So I do feel a little optimistic, very confused still, and not quite believing yet that the proper effort from her is being made.

Mike, do you realize that every single contact she has with him puts her back to Day 1 of recovery? She can never recover as long as there is any contact. Are you monitoring her calls to see if she has truly ended contact?