{{{{Karona}}}}, No advice here. I don't have much dating experience either and can easily see myself in the same kind of situation. I read here mostly to hear other people's experiences hopefully to avoid a few mistakes if/when I begin dating again.

I've always put up a wall at first and then ended up rushing forward too fast. Sounds like the slow, patient build-a-friendship-first approach is probably best. I sure hope I do better next time around than I have in the past!

Have you heard anything from your mutual friends?

Well - my take on this is going to be a little different. (How many are surprised at that?) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Previous to the date - Karona had obviously sought the advice of the people she knows and who respect this man. That information makes the sitch much different than a "general" date. I know that my friends would never knowingly steer me wrong and I believe the same is true for K. If they weren't darn sure about the character of this man - I feel they would've shared this info with K. I get the impression that K did not have her guard up due mostly to input from their mutual friends.

Finishing the date at 10PM is a bit early (even for those of us 40+!) and she admitted that the date had gone well so far. With all of this in mind - I do not see anything wrong with inviting the man in for some conversation. I've kept up with K for quite a while on here and she has a good head on her shoulders. She sensed no bad vibes and simply desired to get to know him a bit more.

Although I think it's a good thing that he asked about "getting closer", and didn't just go for it - I do think his request and desire was a bit premature and that he rushed it a bit. Let's face it - most of us are long past the "get what we can - as soon as we can" phase. (Note that I said "most of us..."!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And when he did ask - K made a very good decision and did it respectfully IMHO.

So to answer your questions Karona:



Based on your explanation of the date and the circumstances surrounding it - I don't think so. I would not have considered the invitation as you "opening the door" to anything physical. But I've been accused of being a little slow in the "she's flirting with you" department too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

W/o being there - it's hard to say. No matter though - I would not have expected and/or desired "more to happen" on the first date so it's really a moot point to me.

I sense that you're beating yourself up a little over this and hope you stop! All of us have to relearn to trust - not only for those we go out with, but also for our friends. If it had been 2AM and you'd been drinking and hanging all over each other all night; then yes - I'd say you were "guilty"; however that's not the impression I got from your description.

I feel your instincts are good and the situation proved this to be true. Nothing happened, you probably learned from this and perhaps your date did as well. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. I'll bet he contacts you again within a week and all becomes well. Let us know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FR

My take is pretty similar. Fresh out of divorce, this guy finds himself in a situation where, regardless of what he wants, there are certain vague, unspoken, inconsistent rules involved - rules which for all he knows may have changed from when he kind of sort of knew them before.

He's invited in to a woman's house after a date. Is this an invitation of a deeper sort? If it is, and he doesn't indicate some sort of interest, will she be offended? Will she write him off? Or, if it isn't that kind of invitation, and he does indicate some interest...well that would sure be embarrassing. What to do...

If I had to guess, I'd suppose that he's kicking himself at having misinterpreted matters, and not thinking about whether you, Karona, gave off "mixed signals" or not. Confusion and misinterpretation are built into this stupid, silly game called "dating." No one can get the signals right, but everyone thinks they ought to anyway.

Thanks All!

Yes BH, conversation is HIGH on this females list. I'm really "trying" to learn as much as I can. Talking to men is not something I'm skilled or comfortable with. It's a confidence thing for me. Thanks for the tips!

B2M~ You know, I do feel for the decent guys out there dating. I feel as bad for this guy as I do for myself. Being that he waited until almost the time he left to ask this question tells me, he may have been trying to get the courage to ask, and I shot him down. I really don't like making someone feel bad, but not so bad that it becomes at my expense. The good guys have it tough!

LT~ OHH, for me, it's going to have to be [I will borrow a phrase I heard and liked] "crippled snail slow". My wall is up so high and thick right now, slow is the only way it's going to happen. And for me, friends first is essential.

And FR, how is it that you "seem" to know me so well?
"I sense that you're beating yourself up a little over this and hope you stop! All of us have to relearn to trust - not only for those we go out with, but also for our friends. If it had been 2AM and you'd been drinking and hanging all over each other all night; then yes - I'd say you were "guilty"; however that's not the impression I got from your description."
Okay, I will try to put this puppy to rest!
Yes, I do need to learn to trust again. I believe I am capable of trusting, but it will need to be shown to me thru actions. Kind of sad, but true.
There was no drinking, no hanging, he was very much a gentleman throughout the evening!

Gnome~I had thought about the same thing. I know guys have a narrow line to walk, and I'm sure he felt some kind of pressure from 20+ yrs ago, that's what happened. I've also thought about him beating himself up over this, but I can about promise, no more than I have on myself!

I've learned a lot from one date, Amazing!
I think I'll see what time Panera closes so "next" [which maybe will be in another 6mos] time, I have a plan!

Thank you all for your kindness and thoughts. I appreciate it very much.

Karona

GDP:
Isn't this really all about communication? I'm thinking that if we (both men & woman) simply asked what the intent really is; then all this guessing/second-guessing, etc. would not be necessary.




Karona:
Good Lord Girl! I could never "seem to know you so well"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Who said I was talking about him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

FR

GDP:
Isn't this really all about communication? I'm thinking that if we (both men & woman) simply asked what the intent really is; then all this guessing/second-guessing, etc. would not be necessary.[/quote]



So, should I have asked him what he was going to do?


[/quote]Who said I was talking about him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />[/quote]




There was no hanging or groping on my end either! I must have forgot to mention that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

K.

You would think so, wouldn't you. But I'm not so sure.

What was it that Algy said in "The Importance of Being Earnest"? Something like "The essence of romance is uncertainty."

It appears to me that the amount of romance in a relationship is often measured by the degree of angst it brings. Every word and action and gesture is scrutinized for its potential significance, and the suspense of never knowing quite where you stand with the other person keeps the excitement alive.

Just imagine what would happen if we ditched the system of inconsistent "signals" so rife with their multiple interpretations, and switched to forthright talk about what we were thinking and feeling about each other and about our relationship. A lot of the drama in the relationship would go away!

Nah, all the guessing and second-guessing is absolutely necessary, because otherwise we'd...well...we'd probably just end up as friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So I'm curious K, did you hear back from that guy?

Thinking of you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
DW

AH, NO!
He has never called.

BUT---I did call him-last night. It has bothered me ever since last Sat. I felt as though I put him in a bad spot and I wanted a chance to explain myself.

He seemed glad that I called him. I think he felt bad about it, and he said he thought I didn't enjoy myself. [but what enjoying the evening has to do, with slipping in romantic gestures I'm not sure. I'm in no rush to rush any thing]
SO, he may call again at some point, possibly. We agreed that if we did go again, it would be on a friend level.

It was funny, he said, okay, so, we would go as friends. If the day comes when "K" grabs me and kisses me, then I'll know you're ready for more. To that I said, That would be about it! [I have no intent on doing that btw]

Thanks DW!
K!

Well good K! All's well that ends well, no?

I agree, but I think his ego may have been a bit bruised.

So glad you feel better about things now.....

Hugs
DW

And if this is how it ends, I find it a much better ending than the way it stood previously.

Perhaps his ego did take a hit, and I wish the situation would have never come up. But, it did, I have learned.

Karona