Post deleted by Luv_My_Husband

Wow -- a lot of hurt on both sides.

You really didn't discuss the EA or PA in your post.

His decision to seek out another woman to "talk" with is not your fault. It might have started out "innocently", but it clearly has evolved into more of a dependency for him. You may have helped contribute to an environment that made him feel like he needed someone to talk to, but the decision to find someone and continue in the relationship when it was clearly getting beyond talking was his and his alone.

The only two people that usually know if it was an emotional or physical relationship are the two people in the relationship. If you can't discuss it with the other woman, then you have to rely on his account and hope he's willing to tell you the whole truth. I'm sure the counselor knows the truth (at least as far as your husband has been able to relate it to them).

Are your husband's reported issues with you and your marriage real or him just diverting attention from the other relationship? He could be overstating the impact of the issues to justify to himself and you his need for her comfort.

You seem to imply that you have issues that have caused him some problems over the years:



It probably shouldn't have been necessary for him to threaten the end of your marriage for you to see the problems were real. If you love him and you are doing something that bothers him, you should address it with no further request needed from him. Note, that this doesn't mean you automatically stop the behavior, it could be something you both need to work on, but dismissing it as not a "marriage killing" problem isn't right either.

I'm thinking there's a whole emotional need thing going on here. He needs to know you value him for more than a meal ticket and as a father figure. He needs to feel admired by you for other things -- his humor, physique, intelligence, skills -- something beside his ability to bring home a paycheck. (You need to be appreciative for that as well!)

But you have to ensure he understands emotional needs are a two way street. If there are issues in your past that color or prejudice everything around you, he needs to work at finding out how to help you with these.

Counseling is your first right step.

Good luck.

LMH,

While you certainly played a role in the state of your marriage. The decision to share a part of him either emotional or physical with the OW, was completely your husband's decision.

Your story is very similar to mine in many ways. Both FWH and I knew that all was not right in our marriage. He begged me to help fix things, but I wasn't sure how we could. My FWH never stopped loving me, nor I him, but he didn't realize that.

He confided his hurt and the problems in our marriage to a female friend who lives 3000 miles away. Over time their friendship became an EA and finally a PA.

This was all a very rude "wake-up" call for me. But FWH and I were able to completely open up to each other and thru hard work and MC, we have a happier, more fulfilling marriage than either of us ever thought possible.

It is not too late to rebuild your marriage. If you can get him to come home and begin MC, that is the first step. With him living away from you, it will be too easy for him to spend time with OW.

Good Luck. You are in a very good place (MB) for getting thru this difficult time.

Bless,

Who

It seems to me that WH is strying too hard to place the blame on you for his behavior. While it's true you may bear some responcibility for not paying attention to his needs, he certainly is responcible for his own actions. It is ussually the BS who opines about the heart being ripped out, not the WS. Have you comunicated to him how much his EA (PA) has hurt you? I think he needs to take some respomcibility for his actions.

That being said - I must admitt spending 10 years feeling like your husband. I even used the same words, "I'm just a meal ticket", I always felt unloved, unappreciated, and unwanted. I seemed to be successfull at everything except that which meant the most to me - making my wife happy. If hurt me terribly, and many times I wished I was out - and away from her, and those feelings. You can fix this - Don't give up. He still loves you or he wouldn't be over there crying. He also feels guilty, that's why he blames you so much. He is trying to convince himself that his EA (PA?) is 100% your fault. Accept your portion of responcibility - but make him see his, and make him undrestand that he hurt you too!

There are many here who can help you. Many who are smarter than me - I hope you take advantage of their council, and heed their advice.

OK, now brace yourself. The way your H is reacting makes it seem to me that his EA might be a PA. He seems like he want's to hold on to his hurt, to justify his behavior. When you tell him that he was wrong, that he does make you happy, and you need him, and he is your whole world....well that doesn't sit so well with his conscience. If he didn't NEED the pain to justify his behavior, he would embrace your words, because they are the words he longed to hear for so many years. He would relish the feeling of being important to the woman he loves. But he needs to hold on to the pain, and the way he felt because the moment he lets go, he will be crushed by the guilt of his actions. Not only will he have to admit that he was wrong about how you felt about him, but that he then used those mistaken feelings to justify a betrayal of a high magnitude. Something he might connect with weakness. Something he never would have done witout "justification". He is prob a very "moral" and rightous person. Someone who sees himself as strong and loyal. He would have to admit to himself and to you that he is a "cheater". He would have to accept that he is the kind of man that he may have despised and shunned all his life. Up until now he could hold himself above the others "cheaters" because after all - it wasn't his fault - you drove him to it. That might be why he is so afraid to forgive you, and to see that you always loved him, and he always made you happy. HE is prob very successful, which made it easier for you to take for granted that he needed nothing from you. He was so strong, that you thought your admiration, and appreciation could not mean anything to him.

You must come to grips with the possibility of a PA. If you can - then you must begin to forgive him. He has painted himself into a corner, and you must open the window for him to get out. Once he comes to accept that you have always loved and appreciated him, it will mean that HE was the betrayer, HE was the scoundrel, HE was the one who caused so much pain, and suffering. He needs to know that while you both know what he did was wrong, you still love him, you still need him, you can forgive him. Maybe that will release some of the pain and guilt of admitting he was wrong about your feeling for him, and that he allowed it to justify such a horrible betrayal.

He will also be struggling with hurting the OW. As painfull as that is to you, it will be going through his mind. He has already cause so much pain to one woman, if he comes back - he will be doing the same to another woman. It will also make him feel weak and indecisive. Both are qualities he may despise in other men. You must remind him that this will be difficult - the easy way is to give up. You know you can do it if he helps you. You know he is strong, and he is good. Thats why you love him so much.

I am not a counceler, I usually do not offer advice because I worry that it might be wrong. I only offer this to you because it reminded me of our situation. If you seek counceling, or if anyone here who has "more experience than me" offers advice that is contrary to mine - please remember that I am not a proffessional. Free advice is often worth exactly what you pay for it.

Post deleted by Luv_My_Husband

Luv_My_H,

Wayward spouses lie. Very high probability he is in a PA given that he has moved out of home - makes it easier to see OW. You have to bust up the affair. Exposure will help do that.

This is absolutely true. Frankly, the lies often continue long after the affair ends. WS may continue to lie to cover up the extent of attachment and feelings for OP, or out of fear of what the BS spouse will do.

If you want this A to end, part of that is exposing the a to OW's husband.

Who

LMH,

It's the fog. There is something in the fog that makes them lie so well that when you know the truth - the sincerity in the voice and in their eyes will blow you away. I was tapping our computer and I read every word the WW and OM were typing to each other. I didn't tell her I knew what was going on. When I would ask her about him, she would lie like crazy!! Right up to the point where they were making plans to meet each other. Even then - she denied and denied, until I printed off every word and we read the transcrips together! They lie, lie,lie!! It's something in the fog!!

I am not saying that he is lying. But you must accept the possibility that he is. It does explain his behavior, which is not unusal or uncommon if he is having a PA. But a bit perplexing if he was simply in pain because he felt unloved and unappreciated.

How was the counceling?

Mugs