I am greatly struggling with my WH's A. You can read the history of it on the recovery board under "How will I get better?"

Briefly...he slept with a coworker twice four years ago and didn't tell me until about 6 months ago. He was trying to end our marriage at the time, but now knows that is not what he wants. He wanted to destory himself. He states that he had no emotional ties and no attraction to her and never spoke with her again. He feels horrible about.

He has been doing everything to try to help my get better, but he feels that he now needs to work on himself and forgiving himself. And he feels he can't do that with having to deal with my emotions all the time which is like a horrible rollar coaster. He is afraid to feel happy when I am happy because a day later I will probably be in horrible agony again. We are active members in our church and he has had a disciplinary council.

When I first found out, I think I went through the whole honeymoon phase. I wanted to make him happy, I wanted to protect him, I wanted him to know how much I loved him, and I wanted to be so wonderful to him so he would never want to hurt me again. I had been wanting to have another child. We have one son. I was pregnant with him when he had the affair. My husband didn't. After D-Day he told me how much he had really wanted us to have another child, but was afraid as soon as he revealed the affair that I would leave him. He didn't want to destroy another child's life or put me in that situation to be a pregnant single woman. Well, during honeymoon phase I got pregnant.

Things started getting really bad with me. I started getting really crazy and emotional. I was angry and hurt about the A. I prayed to God that I would have a miscarriage if I was supposed to leave my husband. How stupid was that to tempt God and ask for a sign. Things started smoothing out for a while with my WH and me. Then, the unthinkable happens. I have a miscarriage at 12 weeks. Was this a sign from God? Was this my answer? I told myself that it wasn't. God just waited for me to calm down a bit and realize how much I truly love my husband.

Lately I have been thinking about this. The night my husband told me about the A we had had a fight and he left. I was praying to God about what should I do? For the first time I got the answer that I should stop fighting for my marriage. I was ALWAYS the one fighting to save us. This was before I knew about A. Now I know why he wasn't fighting. He knew what he had done and felt awful guilt and thought I was going to leave him as soon as I found, so why fight.

I took that answer as he had to make the decision to fight for our marriage since I was the only one who had been doing it. He did decide to fight for it. He told me the truth and told me he wanted to make our marriage work. I thought my prayer was answered.

But now, I wonder..has God been telling me all along that I should leave. Another interesting thing. We have been so blessed in our life. My WH said he didn't understand why God blessed us so much since he had this sin he was carrying. Now I am wondering if these blessings were so I could leave our marriage. Last year we paid off all of our debt, including our cars. We recently sold our house for a very nice profit and bought a bigger one and were able to keep our payment the same because of a huge down payment.

I love my husband and I don't want to leave him. I know he is remorseful about what he did, but he has deeper underlying issues that stem from way back in his childhood that cause him to be angry and to be self destructive. I know he loves me, but am afraid these issues have caused him to have a sinful history (before I came along)and the A four years ago. I have always felt that I make him a better person and that without me he would be lost. He has even admitted this. He would be self destructive and alone and cut himself off from everyone that loves him if I were not to hold onto him. We have this deep connection and I believe it was part of my destiny to help him here in this life. I know that sounds stupid and crazy. What I want most is for him to be happy and as self serving as this sounds, I know he would go crazy if I left him. He would be miserable. I understand him like no one else does. He in return has a deep love for me and is caring and compassionate. He would take care of me until the day died. We have been through so much together.

So I keep feeling like God is telling me to leave, but I don't want to. I know that God knows best and I should follow, but it is very hard. Is He really telling me to leave, or am I just thinking He is telling me to? I am so confused! Pleas help!

Do you feel from a Christian viewpoint that this sounds like idolatry? I only ask because when two people come to believe they cannot exist without one another there is a problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed.

By the way, sometimes I think it would be easier to forgive and move on if I left him. Staying means it will be harder, but more worth it in the end? Or maybe not?

I think we both can exist without each other, but be happy? I am not sure about that? I think maybe eventually we both would be, but it would take time. Sometimes thinking about leaving him brings a sense of relief to me. But I am scared for what that will mean for our child, and for me since I do love him so.

Is GOD telling you to leave?

NO!

Do you typically read tea-leaves to determine God's will in your life?

No... THAT would be divining... THAT would be a sin, right? THAT is what you're doing.

The Bible says God makes the Rain fall on the righteous and unrighteous. Period.

Do you have the option to leave? Sure. That's YOUR choice.

However, what's permissible is not necessicarily what's God's first choice for you. I presume you want to know what God's first choice is for you. So... Look at His Word and see if what you *think* you're hearing from Him is in line with what you KNOW to be His will, generally.

What does the Bible say about when it is permissible to divorce? Infidility IS a reason, but the Bible doesn't say that He WANTS you to divorce in that case, only that it's permissible.

Now, the Bible DOES say that if a believer is married to a non-believer, and the non-believer decides to leave, you let him/her. But if he/she decides to stay, you keep him/her and be the best wife/husband you can be.

Now... Why did you miscarry? I don't know. I'm not a doctor, and even if I were, I'm not YOUR doctor. BUT I do believe that a child's spirit is created at the moment of conception. At that moment, the spirit is aware of the spiritual ties it has to his/her mother and father. If the child is illigitimate, I believe that this injures the child's spirit. If the child is unwanted, the child's spirit detects this from the mother and/or father. How grieved do you suppose a child's spirit would be in that case? In that case, the child has no cognitive ability to reason through what you're going through. All it has is the connection to you and you're praying for him or her to die.

I don't know... These are things *I* believe.

In any event, the point is, you've got a brain, and you've got a heart. You can KNOW if a plan is contrary to God's will, generally, even if you don't know what his particular plan for your life is. God is in the business of forgivness. Why do you think He sent his Son to suffer and die. He took the blame that didn't belong to him because those who deserved it could not both take the blame AND have a restored relationship to Him. Also, look at how God saw Himself in the Old Testament. He was a distraught BS of a husband to a deceitful adulterous wife (Israel). He lamented her betrayals, but he ALWAYS welcomed her back, if she would repent and recommit.

Who are you to be more strict than Him? You know your H has repented... You know he wants to recommit. You know the answer.

Also, out of respect, you might as well call your H a FWH since it does not appear that he is continuing to betray you.

God bless.

I asked the question because sometimes people forget they were independent before they were married. They were two separate people that joined together. Those two people existed and blended to become one and they can still exist separately if they need to. But the richness of marriage comes from the blending of the two personalities. It's not that each gives up what they were, but they blend together to become a full partnership with ideas from both.

You child is an important key, and a very good consideration. Jesus talks about the children and giving them serious consideration. While I believe Jesus allowed for divorce in the case of adultery, I think He also meant for marriage to be taken seriously and if the two could reconcile for the sake of children, then they should do so. Not everyone is able. But if your husband is willing, and wants to seek counseling, and wants to be held accountable, then I think you have someone better than the odds would be if you divorced and found someone else.

Also, if you don't understand yourself and why you chose your husband, then you may choose someone again who might do the very same thing. We don't choose our mates in life by accident. We choose them by process and it's by things we have been taught that influence us.

For instance I always tell how I was taught to provide emotionally for my mother who was single. I learned to meet her emotional needs, buying her presents, buying cards for birthdays, etc. Always making sure her emotional needs were met, because I was the surrogate husband as the older son who had all the responsibility in the house. My wife who came from an unloving home, who needed emotional support latched on to me, since I was use to providing all the emotional needs. And I gladly accepted her appreciation for giving the emotional needs, which is what bonded us.

Had we ever broken up, we both would have sought the same type of partners not knowing what we were seeking.

So you need to know what dysfunctions are in your life, so you might as well work on the present marriage if he is willing to work on it also.

He will never tell you to leave your marriage. Remember in Malachi God says "I hate divorce." Every divorce...for every reason!

I knwo how you are feeling with this. Have you approached your pastor on this?

Read my link at the bottom of this post (Roles of Husbands and Wives). What the Lord might be saying is that for too long, you have been doing your husband's job. Trying to lead your family. And that is NOT your job!

Read this link and tell me what you think. Remember, God is a God of reconciliation and redemption. The answer is here somewhere for you and your marriage.

In His arms.

Biblically, this is not true. Once two separate people are joined together by God, they become one flesh. One person. Now, to rip a person in half is to kill it. And the parts of that person are forever damaged and never will regain the shape and form they could have or would have been.

One flesh. To two people blended together. One person. Thus, the existence they would have apart from each other will be somethign far less than what they should have had and what God had intended for their lives. In reality, without their other half, they really are crippled for life. sure, they can limp on and make a decent life. But crippled is crippled.

In His arms.

Askme- I would not be seeking to get remarried if I left my husband. I think that would be too hard on our son. Thanks for your input. I do understand why I chose my husband and I know that I want to stay with him.

Test Devotion- Thanks also for your input. Do you believe in personal revelation? I am just wondering. I believe that we can ask God for answers and he will give them to us. I also agree with what you are saying about His Word and I truly believe in forgiveness and know that my husband is forgiven by Him. And I know I need to forgive him, but does that mean I have to stay to do it?

In reverse order...

Do you have to stay? No. You get to make your own choices. Your choice, as I see it, is between "permissible, but not the desire of God's heart" and "what God's Word indicates is what He considers to be the higher path."

When you say you believe that you have to forgive your H, but do you have to stay married, you're really saying, "Can't I just NOT forgive him and escape from the pain by physically getting away from him." You know the answer to that. If it is your plan to divorce him, it doesn't sound like you're all that interested in forgiving him.

Do I believe in "personal revelation"? Absolutely. I believe that you can have an understanding of your personal role according to His precise plan for your life. HOWEVER, personal revelation, if they are truly from God will ALWAYS be in perfect conformance with His general principles as indicated in His Word.

God is NOT going to say, "I hate divorce, except that it's okay for you!"

Search your heart. It sounds to me as though you came here hoping to find some "devout Christian" who is willing to grant you permission to divorce your husband.

I understand your pain. I, too, am a BS. But I hope you realize how many of us would give everything to be where you are... To have a WS who really has repented and who really has re-committed...

This is NOT a fun road we get to travel. Life isn't fair, but I can say for certainty that if MY W were making the efforts your H is making... If I could say for certainty that MY spouse loves ME, I would be weaping for joy. Don't disregard your blessings, and don't shortchange your son of his family just because of your pride and unforgiveness. Show your son that a marriage CAN be re-built if you put it in His hands.

I have to agree with Tested Devotion, God is pretty clear cut about His principles and doesn't come down and micromanage our lives.[or expect us to read the tea leaves] He expects us to figure it out using his principles laid out in the Bible.

That being said, God does hate divorce but gives us an out in the Bible in the case of adultery. I think a Christian is expected to do everything, though, to save the marriage if possible. Like you said, forgiveness does not necessarily include staying married, but that doesn't mean the marriage should be tossed aside cavalierly.

Your marriage is probably very salvagable, ish, and I am here to tell you that this forum is full of happily married couples who experienced what you did. I believe this program is from God and I don't believe you got here by accident.

The worst thing you can do, IMO, is make a decision based on your current mental state. If D-Day was 6 months ago, you are likely heading into the WORST point of recovery. My 8 month mark was the point where my rage came to the forefront. Thank the Lord I stuck it out, because my rage was temporary, but the divorce I was anticipating would have been permanent.

So, please don't make any decisions about your marriage until you have made it though recovery. And maybe you do decide to move on in the end, at least you will know that it was a decision made when you were not emotionally impaired by rage.


He needs to work on repairing the damage caused to his bleeding, dying victim before he concerns himself with his self inflicted scratch. After all, you didn't volunteer for this, HE DID. You are looking at a recovery period of about 18 months. If he isn't willing to help you recover, then you may be facing some serious challenges here that should be considered in your decision to stay or go.

Test Devotion: The truth is I don't want a divorce. That is the last thing I want. I want to stay married. I have always believed that I married for better or worse and that I would always try to work things out. I have always felt that my FWH (you are right he is "formerly wayward" came into our marriage with a parachute on. Ready to jump if the ride got too bumpy. I on the other hand have never even thought of using a parachute. I always believed if things got rough we would fix it.

I am just so confused and hurt. I want to do what is right, but I don't want to get hurt again.


Mortar Man- I really liked reading your roles thread. Do you have a copy of just the roles that you could send to me. I would love to print it out and study it.

ITH,

I understand. Believe me, I do.

Unfortunately, your choices at this moment are:

1. Suffer the pain of TRYING to fix the marriage. Whether you succeed or fail, you have pain for, at least, a short time to look forward to;

OR

2. Suffer the pain of giving up and divorcing a man who wronged you, but who is repentant, and suffer the pain of the knowledge that you didn't give your child's father a chance, and suffer the pain of doing what you KNOW is not what God WANTS for you.

Your last post made it seem to me that you both know what God wants, and you want it, too, but you're afraid of the pain ahead of you. Ok. That is legitimate and reasonable. Welcome to MB - this is one of the best resources for managing the pain you will find.

HOWEVER, you can take comfort... I can tell you this has helped me... Know that DOING the Lord's will will, in and of itself, tend to sustain you. Remember when Jesus was at the well and spoke to the Samaritan woman. His disciples came back after going out to find some food, and asked him to eat, but he told them that His food was to do the Will of the Father. Think on that. Operating in His will won't keep you from having pain, but it will tend to sustain you. Just keep your eyes on Him.

One final though. If I read your original post correctly, your H has agreed to be accountable within the church for his failings? Is that correct? If so, you are blessed again. Don't dismiss these things that God is doing to refine you and restore your H.

God Bless!

I'd like to take a stab at this one too.

Tested Devotion & Melody Lane have given you great advice here also.

I definitely believe in personal revelation BUT BUT BUT it Must be tested to be sure it is in line with Scripture AND MUST be submitted to leadership over your lives (Pastor) for corroboration.

Now, in my opinion, your "personal revelation" is in conflict with scripture right off the bat.

At the end of the day, the bible permits divorce for reasons of infidelity so you have an out if you want one but don't be confusing that with God's perfect will for your life.

Your rage, as Mel said is temporary even though it seems all consuming to you now. It will pass. If you divorce, the effects for you & your child will go on forever.

You have to decide to commit to the marriage & work on it. This site gives a nice blueprint for building a strong marriage. There are countless stories of these principles saving marriages on this site. Give it a shot.