I'm very much at a loss here and unsure of what steps to take to put my relationship back together. Is it even possible to re-build trust once it's been destroyed?

"D" and I aren't married, but we've been living together nearly two years. Let me preface this by stating that from day one, "D" has accused me of being sneaky and cheating more times than I can possibly count. But as it turns out, "D" is the one who's been caught doing the things he's always accused me of.

Over the past two years, I've caught "D" several times having inappropriate conversations with female strangers, online and through text messages on his cell phone. The firs time I caught him, he said they were "just friends" and that the whole thing was "harmless". Please understand, I don't have a problem with "D" having female friends. That's not an issue for me. However, I DO have a problem if those "friendships" are hidden. Why hide it from me if there's nothing inappropriate going on? It turns out "D" and this woman he was chatting with had planned to meet for coffee in the town where "D" worked at the time. On the day they decided to meet, "D" took the afternoon off from work to go meet her, but I already knew about this plan before he left work, so I caught him while he was waiting for her at the location they'd both agreed on to meet up. He was supposed to have put a stop to their relationship at that point in time, and I thought he did...

Nearly a year later, and after moving out-of-state, I discovered "D" was still talking to this person. He was saying things that were NOT something that "just friends" would say, such as wishing he could have met her in person to "see where things would go" with her, and telling her that he was attracted to her. Yet again, I confronted him about this and basically nothing came from it. He made excuses, and I got mad and chose to just ignore it.

Several months ago, "D" and I had an argument, and he stormed out angry and drove off. This was fairly early in the evening...probably no later than 7:00PM. By 11:00 that night, he still wasn't home and I went to sleep. The next morning when I woke up, he proceeded to tell me that - because he was mad at me - he spent the majority of the night in a strip club and didn't get home until after 1:00AM. I got mad, but I got over it.

Several weeks ago, "D" and I went to visit my sister and her husband for the weekend. That Sunday morning, the guys woke up early and went fishing for the day. My sister and I stayed home. Sunday night, "D" and I went back home. A few days later, my sister calls saying she has to tell me something, but her husband asked her not to tell me about it. My sister went on to tell me that her husband had asked her on Sunday night why "D" and I stayed on the phone text messaging each other all day. He was annoyed that I couldn't leave "D" alone long enough to spend some time fishing with the guys. My sister told him that I was with her all day, and I never used my phone that day. So, my sister called to tell me that "D" had apparently spent the entire day text messaging with someone while he was out fishing. I asked "D" about it, and he said that it wasn't true, and that all he did was check his phone a couple of times. Checking what??

Three days ago, "D" and I were texting back and forth early in the morning, having a very generic conversation. In the midst of our conversation, I get a text message from him that was describing receiving oral sex. My first thought was the message wasn't meant for me and he sent it to me accidentally. I asked him why he sent me a message like that, out of the blue, and he said he was just "being fresh" with me.

This morning I couldn't stop thinking about the wierd things happening lately, so I got nosey and I looked at his cell phone bill. He wasn't giving me any answers that resembled the truth in any way, so I wanted to know what was going on. Well, I found everything I wanted to know right there on the phone bill. He had downloaded a cell phone chat program called "Fast Flirting", and there were nearly 100 text messages sent to several different phone numbers.

According to the phone bill, on the Sunday "D" went fishing with my brother-in-law, there were 46 text messages with one person from 6:30 that morning until a little after 3:00 that afternoon. As it turns out, "D" definitely WAS texting all day with someone, just like my brother-in-law said, and which "D" had denied.

At this point I confronted "D" with the bill and he admitted that he's been having phone sex via text messages on his cell phone for the past month. Also, the oral sex text message he sent to ME a few days ago really WAS meant for someone else...one of the women he's been having phone sex with. When I asked him why he felt the need to do this, his biggest reason was this - because I don't "talk dirty" with him enough. He tried to blame it on other reasons, too, but couldn't seem to be able to cultivate any sort of explanation of what those other reasons are. Basically, he is making excuses for his behavior, and trying to pin the blame on me.

At this point in time, he says he loves me and wants to work on this and save our relationship. My own issue is how I'm supposed to ever trust him again. He's been caught in lies too many times, and he never stops this behavior when he says he will. He always seems to get caught up in it again, and I have to snoop to find out the truth when my gut feeling tells me something is "off". This isn't fair.

In my personal opinion, this IS cheating. Maybe physical cheating hasn't occured yet (to my knowledge), but my belief is that cheating doesn't begin in your crotch...it begins in your head, and he's already committed that phase of cheating, more than once.

What the heck am I supposed to do with this????

Heather,
My WH started out the same way. He was just looking at the porn sites, then he was just chatting...talking dirty because I dont, then when I got call after call the truth came out almost a YEAR later that he had been having an A for 2 years!!
I am not saying that is what is going on with you. But remember and read here. He is in the fog and is trying to cover tracks and keep having his cake and eat it too.
I also agree that phone/internet sex is cheating. Others may say it is not, but I do believe it is. Regardless, read up on all the infidelity stuff here and also on the marriage building. Even though you are not married, you are still significant others.
Snooping is Ok, if he is not guilty of an affair, then nothing left to hide if he told you the truth.
Finally, to your first question...NO there is no miracle cure, I wish there was. Keep strong and keep snooping. Wayward spouses in the affair fog lie about it all.
JE

Why is it that cheaters always have to pin the blame on someone else? It's always the wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend's fault - never THEIRS! I guess I just have a hard time comprehending this.

I mean, you cheated and you got caught. It's not like the situation can really get much worse after that, so why not just own up to what you did and accept the blame yourself? Why not just admit that you're looking for sex outside of your relationship because you CHOSE to, not because someone else has forced you into it? This really makes me angry!!

I barely got any sleep last night, because of the mental pictures in my head...I'm at a complete loss here. And I'm getting madder by the hour.

Heather,
First and foremost you need to BREATHE!!
Just remember that whatever happened was not because of you. It was his CHOICE and his decision to do anything. You did not have that choice. But you do have choices now: Leave just walk away, or stay and give it your all, or just do nothing. Its your choice right now.
Read up on Plan A, do your homework, snoop, expose, etc.
Or just walk. But you made a good decision in coming here and posting. It is a start to the rest of your life.
DO things to get your mind off of it as much as possible. Which is very hard, I know, but you gotta do that for yourself.
If you decide to stick with the relationship, put in 100%. The Harley books are great!!
He needs to own up to his choice at some point. This is his choice to do it or not, not yours.
Anger is a good thing in the right arena. It keeps you feeling. But in Plan A it is not a big help most of the time. Set your limits and stick to them. You do not have to be a doormat, unless you choose too. You are special and a good person. We all care here and Welcome to MB. Ironic and Sad but welcome. You can alway come here for help or just to vent.
JE