I'll get to my problem eventually, but I need to lay a little ground work first.

I met my wife as a Sophomore in college in New Mexico. We dated all through college and as graduation approached decided we would stay together and relocate together. I always wanted to moved to Florida after college because I have family there and spent a lot of time as a kid and we talked about this quite bit. We even went there on 2 spring breaks so I could show her places I went to as a kid and areas I liked. We've been all over the state from Jacksonville to the Keys since we first met.

My senior year of college I only could get a job offer from a company in Dallas, TX. It was good pay, and it was only thing either of us had going so we went for it and decided to Florida was still a possibility once we got some job experience under our belts in a few years. With little money we didn’t want to take the chance on moving to Florida with no money and no job prospects.

We married 3 months after moving to Dallas and have since bought a home in the suburbs. We both have had mixed feelings on the area ever since we moved here. I think I like it less then her, but only by a little bit. In addition we have had horrible job experiences involving too much travel, layoffs and harassment. We also haven’t made any friends to speak of, which is very puzzling to us as we have never had trouble before.

Fast forward 4 years and we both have fought through some very tough times. Let’s just say there has been plenty of worry and doubt since moving to Dallas and that has affected our closeness and intimacy. The last year has been a real challenge in regaining that “feeling” that initially brought us together. Currently we have great jobs at great companies. But somewhere between college and now the idea of moving to Florida has all but faded away. I still desperately want to move there, but I can tell that she doesn’t want to. There are two reasons for this (IMO):

1. Her sister has moved to Austin with her husband (3 hours away)
2. Her parents will be retiring in the Austin area (3.5 hours away) within 5 years.

She is extremely close to her family and talks to her mom and sister on the phone daily. As much as I want to move on to Florida, she would like to move to the Austin area to be near her family. So there is the problem. In a nutshell, we are divided on our future relocation plans even though we agree we don’t want to stay in Dallas area. If we move to Florida, she gives up her family. If we move to Austin, I give up living near my extended family and a dream I’ve had since I was a kid. Right now it seems like a lose/lose situation.

To make matters worse we had decided from the beginning of our marriage to start talking about kids after 3-4 years. With the uncertainty of where we are going to end up that makes me feel like I want to hold off on kids until we work this out. She has said that Florida is a possibility still, but I’m not convinced. She won’t talk about it openly with me and only makes half hearted commitments like “We’ll see what happens.”

We love each other and are each others best friends. We have struggled through a lot in 4 years and had many days and nights that appear to be the beginning of the end only to pull through. At this point I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to handle this situation. We have talked a lot since I discovered this site, but I feel like we are nowhere close to a resolution. Any advice or help or anything would be appreciated. If you are confused by some of my ramblings let me know and I will try to clarify. Thanks in advance!

FatCat

My H and I have been struggling about this our whole marriage! We're from and live in South Florida and he wants to move to LA or NYC because he's worked there before and knows he likes it and it's always been a dream of his. I've gone out to see them, and there are great to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there! And I'm close to my family here.

Look at the needs would be met by each choice, and see if you two can brainstorm what other ways you could meet those needs. If she wants a close-knit extended family, would your life in Florida provide that? If you've dreamed of living in Florida because of all the stuff to do, can you find similar RC activities in Austin? Can you choose one place and agree to retire in the other? Or get a timeshare there and spend 2 weeks a year in the place you don't choose?

Yep that sounds just like our dilemma. You did offer some good advice. Retirement is way too far off (’m only 26) and I don’t want to wait that long anyway. I like the vacation/timeshare idea and that could be a possibility. It’s hard to say what will end up happening. While we both want to eventually move she is more content to stay in Dallas than I am. That adds additional friction because I would like to start planning the move now considering it is probably 1-2 years off and she is in no hurry. If anyone else has any advice it would be much appreciated. I know there are no easy answers, but different perspectives would surely help.

Thanks

My best friend is in your situation. She is living far from home (where her family & friends are) and she is miserable for it. She has asked her husband to move home with her since they now have a little boy, and her husband has decided he is going to give it a shot (which means moving away from his family etc.).

First of all, the most important thing for both of you is each other. Sounds like the relationship is dissolving..is it really just because of your location? That doesn't seem right.

If your wife is really close to her family, it might make sense for you to move to be closer to them. Does this idea cause resentment in you? If so, why? It is a fact that sometimes women are closer to their families. The relationships we have with our mother / sister can be very strong, and being away from them can cause a strong sense of isolation from the world. Perhaps your wife feels this way?

Also, if you stay with her and decide to have children, that extra support from her family is going to help you through the (demanding) early years of having a baby. Family and friends will not only be there for you if you need them, but they will also add much joy and fulfillment to your children.

Perhaps you could agree to visit Florida as often as possible, to see your extended family etc. How happy would this situation make you?

You may have dreams of living in Florida, but what other dreams did you always have? Having a happy wife? A happy family? Wouldn't a happy wife and family in turn make you happy? (food for thought) Sometimes reality can turn out to be better (and different) from what we originally dreamed.

Regardless of what you choose to do or what your answers are, remember to respect her feelings (and she needs to respect yours too) while you discuss this. Try to come to a solution that you will both be happy with and be able to live with.

I think your best bet would be to sit down with your wife and exchange thoughts on the issue. Your relationship with her is worth saving. Obviously you both love one another, so work this out. If you don't give it your best, you will surely regret it.