Hi,
This is my first post here to this forum. I need fast help. Background.
I have been married 16 yrs. been w/husband for 22 yrs. Found out my husb. had affair on vacation Thanksgiving day. Great memeories.
Affair had been going on 3 weeks when I confronted. He tried to lie but I got it out of him.

Fast forward...he claims to want to work on it but refuses to stay home to work on our marriage.
Here is the kicker. She is a stripper. She is older than us. She is a recovering drug addict. My husb. feels that she needs him. He claims to want to work on things but comes home w/good intentions and then ends up w/her again.

I have a friend who guided me and I have worked on plan A but it is ineffective b/cause he doesn't stay home. He stays either in her appt. or his business. Mainly w/her.

I did the no contact thing w/him which is Plan B?
It would work but when we had to discuss issues he would miss me and come back again and leave again.
I don't answer his calls and then he shows up at the house and walks in and then wants to work on things but won't allow me to cry, be upset or discuss the affair. He then says I hate coming home b/c we fight and I have to deal w/ this.
He tells me he and Other wom. never fight. She doesn't know I am in the picture...he lies to her as well as to me.

I have 3 kids who he won't even barely see. He texts them occassionally. I know this is long but now my sitch is desperate. I want him back but not w/her in the picture.
What the [email]h@ll[/email] do I do?

We tried marriage c. once it didn't help. He refuses to accept that he is doing something wrong. He blames me.
Help me please.

Ineedsanity

In a word - EXPOSE!

At this stage of the game, your H is totally wacko. They all are.

What you need to do is shed the ugly light of day on him and what he's doing. Affairs NEVER look as fun in the full light of day.

Do you, more importantly, does HE attend church? If so, tell the pastor.

Do his parents and/or siblings know? Even if they don't figure it's worth it to side with you, if you and he have kids, they can probably be counted on to frown on what he's doing to his family... and with a wrinkled-up junkie stripper of all possible options...

If he owns his own business, then you probably can't expose to his boss. Think. Who in his life does he look up to. Who does he respect. Who's opinion would make a difference to him? Would any of these people side with you that he needs to drop the skanky-****** and return to his family? If so, go talk to them!

The other word I have for you is - BREATHE.

Take a breath. Know who you are and where you end. You do not and cannot control your WH. Period. Trying is what will drive you crazier than anything else.

If you attend a church, even if he doesn't, go to your pastor, and get yourself a support system.

MarriageBuilders can be a GREAT place to come, so I'm glad you're here.

Remember, come what may, you will have yourself. You will need to look at yourself in the mirror and be able to accept whatever course of action you choose. This moment is not the moment to make any final decisions - the pain is too fresh.

I know where you are. I have been there myself. Fight the fight because it's the right thing to do, and not because you're needy. Be strong. Men DO like to feel needed but a leach gets old pretty fast. A woman can be a strong and intelligent human being and still "need" her husband... not like a fish needs water, but more like the female figure-skater needs her male-partner for the routine... I hope that makes sense.

God bless!

If you have done a good Plan A, might be time for a good Plan B. That means going very dark and not letting him get any needs met from you.

By the way, welcome. Read all of the stuff here and have confidence that his affair won't last. Right now he is cake-eating.

He just called me and wants to see me Wednesday afternoon to discuss finances. We can't pay bills because he isn't working in his business. He is going to let me and the kids end up on the street. The electric was turned off last week and my dad paid it for me. I have to see him Wednesday and I just don't know what next step to take to protect me and my kids. I want to save my marriage but he is just keeping me on a string.

I hope someone will respond with some advice for me.
I guess I have to let him come over...if I don't he will just cause problems.
Thank you.

We posted at the same time. See above.

I think you need to see an attorney, or get legal aid, because these wandering spouses will run you into the ground financially. Protect your family, even if you have to go on welfare.

Believer - BINGO!

If he's abandoned you, and has children for whom he is responsible and is letting electricity get turned off, etc., then he NEEDS some consequences. That might need to be in the form of a summons.

Okay hon, Tested asked you if you've exposed, this is a critical part of plan A. And I have no doubt you'll find people that he is close to will balk at the idea of him ditching his family to hang out with a stripper....that's just nasty.

You have to expose, expose to anyone you can think of that would have influence. Try and find someone to expose to at her work also....while I know that other strippers may have the morals of a styrofoam cup it could work to your advantage in that the OW will find out that your WH is lying to her.

Let him come over, and just be very pleasant, don't cry and scream, don't be all distraught. Make sure you look FANTASTIC when he gets there.

Have you looked at the Emotional Needs questionnaire? If not DO THAT, see if you can get him to fill one out....if not, make an educated guess as to what his emotional needs are and concentrate on filling the top 2 or 3.

You can do this hon, we'll help you.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks sooo much for the replies. You have no idea the pain I am in. I have exposed to everyone. His parents, his silbling his friends...my friends and he does not care.
He is slightly embarassed but not enough to make a decision.
I have christian friends and am in the process of getting back into church. My wayward husb. wants to go to church one day w/me and then backs out and wants his stripper.

I understand that I need to be strong. My friends are awesome and my sibling support is great. I am going to seek pastoral counseling.

I would like to do plan B. But how do I approach this? I don't answer his texting or calls and when I don't he calls my teens or calls me 20 x's at 2:00 am to keep me on the hook. He reels me back and dumps me.

When he can't get ahold of me he gets into the house and then we talk and then he is satisfied but when we discuss the marriage he can't commit. He will not give her up. He says that he wants to know for sure that when he comes home he will never do this to me again.

I am like the other woman instead of wife. He texts me when w/her but never calls b/c he doesn't want her to think he is w/ me whatsoever.

She is nasty. He has allowed my daughter and son to meet her. That put me over the edge.

I am glad I found this site.
Thank you.
Ineedsanity

As far as emotional needs go. The stripper put him up on a pedestal. He told me that she gets up at 5am and makes him big breakfasts. She is always in a good mood. She dotes on him.
she feeds his ego 24/7 and he admits he loves it. He has let his business go down the toilet since meeting her.
He babysits her to keep her away from the drugs. He tried to do no contact and she kept calling and texting and that kept him reeled in.
He tells me I am physically more attractive and I found her photos on his laptop and my friends and family can't believe that he would go for someone like her.


I told him that she has no children and they can sleep until noon if they want b/c they have no responsiblities.

Thanks for listening. I guess I do need to pursue legal aid b/cause my kids are my priority.

Ineedsanity

Stick with us, and we will help you. It is miserable when you find out, but I promise you it gets much better. Use the tools here. And don't worry, he will wake up and come back to the family.

I am glad you found MB. Its good that you exposed and found a support system in real life. Keep posting believer is one of the best!! Take a deep breath...we know your pain...we have lived through the same pain and are surviving...some are thriving better then before. You will make it through this!

wow....

you sure do have a lot of good things going for you...and there is no reason why you aren't plan Aing your little heart out....and having your husband slurp it up..

see he likes to be a rescuerer....so you need to create some little scenarios in which you need rescued...

you can NOT go to plan B ...plan B is what follows Plan A..you haven't done plan A....

time for you to read up and really understand plan A...and then go from there...

I will bumb up a post that explains some of plan a...also find and read the carrot and the stick of plan a...

time for you to get in control...

mark my words..your husband will be back...
this OW will self destroy the relationship just based on her drug use alone....

time for you to get ready for boundaries...

ARK

Thanks for the encouragement and responses.

I am reading about plan A but how do I plan A if my h isn't around me regularly?

He has asked if he can come home spend time with me and then turn around and spend time with her so he can make his decisions.
I just don't like that he gets to sit back and choose. Why do I feel like this is a competition. He wants to be the prize. Is he really a prize? He asked me "why can't you just try and win me back?" He won't stay around long enough to try and let me. She gets the best of him. I struggle to try and get the bills paid. I work p/t. He comes home and first thing out of his mouth is "this house is a mess, stripper keeps appt immaculate". Well if he had been home early in the day before I went to work he would have noticed it clean but by the time kids get home from school as I am at work they trash it. I can't win. Nothing I do can compare to a stripping woman who will do anything to please her man.

I have kids and one is special needs. It isn't realistic for me to plan A one day and then let him leave and let the stripper do her thing to win him back. I am the better choice I think I will win out but, will he always stay? I just don't know.
I have more self respect than that. I want him to choose me but then I have to live with the mess he made don't I?

INSsnity

Have you considered going to the OW yourself? To let her know that he's married, and what he's doing to your family? Normally not a good idea, but if he's obviously hiding his life with you from her, this might be a good thing.

If it is too painful for you to have WH go back and forth between you and OW....then it may be difficult to do a good Plan A without angry outbursts, tears, etc. And so Plan B may be the way you need to go at this point.

Plan B will protect whatever good feelings you still have for him and protect you from the chaos of the A.

As the situation stands, WH is still able to get whatever emotional fix he needs from you and hurt you with his foggy statements about OW, etc.

A good Plan B letter will explain it all to him...you love him, you want the marriage, but until he can end the A it is important that you protect yourself from the pain of his actions....

Set your boundaries and then get on with life, do your best to keep yourself busy, do fun things and keep thoughts of the A at bay.....or else it will drive you crazy!

If you need legal advice to help determine temp. Support action, then do it. Don't wait until you are financially desperate...the fact that you need to accept family financial support to take care of your family should help your case....

This is not easy stuff to deal with! I feel for you. I've been there. But there is hope. Learn all you can about the dynamics of A's, the foggy behaviors of WS's and in the meantime believe NOTHING that he says or does, he is currently not the person you know or love. He knows deep down that what he is doing is wrong and is trying desperately to convince himself otherwise by throwing the blame on you....don't fall for it.

You can figure out what needs you could better meet in the marriage (we all can), but you CANNOT take blame for his A!!!!!

Take care of you and your children and let WH fall on his head....he will eventually....but you don't have to watch the process....

And just so you know....FWXH and I were separated 2 years, divorced and are now successfully in recovery of our relationship for the past 7 mos.
But he had to hit bottom first....

Take care.

Ineed..

this whole forum here is based on the creation of a man that saw hundreds of married couples going thru the exact things that you are describing....

thru his work and countless couples and great research in to what works and what doesn't...

he developed a road map to guide individuals through this extremely painful and over the top curve ball thrown in to life...

it comes with no garuntees....
but it is my opinion that it is way better than nothing...
AND
people that follow it ...in the end come out on the other side better and stronger individuals...than they ever could have imagined whether or not their marriage was "saved"..


so while you can say you 'can't' plan a...and can't do this or that....
the real question is ...
why not try...
what do you have to lose...

Plan A is like having a little voice in your head that speaks to you before you engage your mouth.....
and gives you that split second break to decide what the best response it to the stuff you are hearing.....

First off...PLan A is ALL ABOUT what you do while your spouse and OP are in contact...

plan A is all about removing all the silly road blocks a WS uses to rationalize their active affair actions...and gets the WS down to the bare bones of the reality of their actions....

Plan A is all about showing hope in a person finding their way out of the chaos that they have NO DOUBT created...

Plan A is all about opening and keeping open the lines of communication that get immediately shut down and out when we are emotional wreckages....

WS can't handle the pain they cause in overt displays...human nature alone causes all of us to avoid such things.....

You got a man in your life...who thrives on being a rescuer.....
it's not an uncommon trait in men (and some women...) and it is the opportunity for you to use that in your favor...

moms...especially when you have a child with special needs often become super achievers...based on the need to and the desire to make it all better.....

it can leave a partner who is a rescuer feel un-needed.....

also you have a great advantage that your husband is giving you direct clues....
direct actions that you COULD be doing that he uses against you to keep his affair going....

and you have choices..
you can rage and deny his clues...
or you can use them to your full advantage....

NO ONE should want to rebuild with a creepy WS...and that is not the goal here...

the goal is your husband really seeing his actions for what they are
processing them
and becoming the type of man who could and would NEVER ever be that type of person again...

He then says I hate coming home b/c we fight and I have to deal w/ this.

quit fighting with him....he is no position to be able to defend his undefendable actions.....

you want to get his attention...

be happy to see him
smile at him
make the home warm and inviting...
have time available to be with him..and I am not talking sexually....I am talking
eye contact
smiling
asking how he is...

why

because it's the last thing he expects....you want to draw him to you...
AND
you want to send him on his way...
to mull over
and think about this...

if every time he comes (where as he obviously DOES want to come....) he leaves feeling cold and bad..it just plays right in to his flubbed up thinking that you can and will never ever forgive him and move past this....though there is no need to forgive him right now....

but you are playing right in to his hands....

imagine him comeing over...
having a nice visit..
and then being shuttled out the door...

good to see you...the children love seeing you...but you got to go now as WE are heading out....

hit him in your actions of this is HOME
this is where LOVE and HONOR and DECENCY live...and you are welcome to be here all the time...when you also are
LOVING...HONORABLE...AND DECENT...

then he is satisfied but when we discuss the marriage he can't commit. He will not give her up. He says that he wants to know for sure that when he comes home he will never do this to me again.

quit discussing marriage and relationship with him..
he expects this
he uses this..
want to get his attention...
act like you have NO interest in rebuilding with such a dishonorable man....without ever uttering those words....

quit making it his choice...and let it be known through your actions that you have a huge huge huge say in whether or not YOU want him...
make it known with your silence...
bet he can't go a week without HIM bringing it up...needing YOUR reassurance you will take him back...

I am reading about plan A but how do I plan A if my h isn't around me regularly?

Woe to the BS that has to have their flubbed up WS in their face 254/7...hard is their road to travel..
you get respite this way
you get time to plan and be ready
you get time to rest from the in your face chaos...

you have time to process and learn what is working and what is not....

He asked me "why can't you just try and win me back?"

babble back to him....I would always try to win back a loving decent honorable man.....if I meet one I will do just that.....

say no more.
don't power struggle...

plant seeds of wisdom and hope...

this relationship is so doomed

she is a drug addict...and no human can serve her from that but herself...

she is a stripper and without debating that proffession there is no way that she partakes in that field and does not have a warped sense of men, people, and Gods gift of human sexuality....

and no man can partner with such a person without also having a warped sense of intimacy and God's gift of human sexuality...


Nothing I do can compare to a stripping woman who will do anything to please her man.

that's true if you go belly up on this....

show him a strong woman
with boundaries
show him a kind woman who values truth...
show him

for you are the only example in his life of realness as he surrounds himself with only those that would never ever judge....

ineed...

you are here at marriage builders..
what do you have to lose...
and you don't gain crappy ws...
you gain new husband...
who gets what he did....

the goal is not getting him home...
never has been
never will be
round these parts...

you hit this man with a strong plan A...for 2-3 months...then cut him off cold turkey...

and let him wallow in the universe he has created...

are you up for it or not...
cause if you keep saying you can't...
no one here can help you...

ARK

bump

update on my situation:

Thank you for the great advice and wisdom. I went to my son's bskettball game and he showed up w/ the stripper. I was shocked but decided that I would take advice and take the high road. I did look good and I smiled often and socialized w/other mothers and didn't appear affected.

After leaving the game ha called and asked if he could see me the next day.
I agreed to this to go over finances etc...
He showed up and we talked and I remained upbeat, friendly and unaffected.
He told me that seeing me at the game smiling and appearing happy made him think. He really couldn't believe that he allowed the stripper to talk him into going to our sons game.

He says he wants to come home and leave her. He had intentions to come home last night w/his things but she got drunk and trashed the appartment and hid his keys. I would believe him b/cause before he left to go up there I overheard her voice while he was on his cell to her. She sounded angy and drunk.

I do believe he wants to come home. He texted me this morning and still wants to come home. I am happy but reluctant because I don't know how real this will be this time.

When do I trust that it is real this timem and what boundaries do I set up for him returning?

Some of my friends say I am nuts and others are supportive. I know my husband and know that he normally would not be this type of man.

He definitely is addicted to her. She will be tough to get rid of he has tried to go no contact before and has always miserably failed. She won't let him go w/out manipulation.

Thank you so much. I need prayers.

INsanity



He

yikes...
is he living with her...

he needs to go no contact..
change cell phones...
etc etc etc.....
he needs to agree to marriage counseling..

can he meet these terms before moving back in.....

what a cad to bring her to your sons game.......
cad cad cad blech blech bleeech..

ark

WEll...he came home repentant or so I thought. Actually told me about the ugly side of his stripper girlfriend.

He has been living w/her 95% of the time. He starts to miss me...desire me etc...I think he is sincere I let him home...but not in my bed.

Last night he agreed to come over and watch a movie. I had bought some wine, cheese ball...hordeuvre'e etc...and he no showed. I called him he said he had to work very late and it didn't look like he would be making it home. He has on occassion slept at his business.

However he admitted it was hard not going back to see her. He hasn't repsonded or called today.

I am back again at square one.
I need to do a strong plan B...but how do I?

I need money....to make ends meet. We could lose the house. How do I plan B when I need to be kind enough and available enough to get money from him?

I really am in a bad position and don't know the next step to take.

How will I know beyond a shadow of a doubt when he will be sincere and come home and mean it.

I know he loves me...he is lost.

Thank you and please help!!

INsanity.