I read this on another post, and it really struck me. My WH has had 2 As in the last two years, and has never said he's sorry. In fact, he has made no effort at all toward recovery. I am far from virtuous, and I am certainly not proud of some of the things I have done in my lifetime. But I can't IMAGINE cheating on my H. If it is accurate to say that those who cheat have a serious character flaw, what is to keep them from doing it again and again? Am I wasting my time? I have been plan A-ing for months and although the fog seems to have lifted and WH is accounting for his time and being less disagreeable, we are still just roommates. I left a note recently thanking him for some things that he did at Christmas, and he put it aside and didn't even MENTION it! Why shouldn't I just throw in the towel now and hope I find someone who isn't missing the chromosome?

Plan B. Nuf said.

Grape, Plan B would be to "win" him back, which is what I used to believe I wanted. But if he's missing the chromosome, why bother?

If it were merely a chromosome problem, then the behavior would be beyond his control and we know that's not the case. This is something he has chosen to do and speaks of his character or lack thereof.

This is a topic that I have discussed many times at great length with my H. And we are both able to see that in our situation, at least, that ours was a relationship ripe for an A on both sides...opportunity just presented itself to me first. This subject is also one that I have long wanted to address here, as I know that many BSes feel as you and the poster that you quoted do.

As a FWS I see this from a vantage point that many BSes seem unable to. Many of them say things just like you stated,


And, okay, but guess what? Before my A, I would have said the same EXACT thing. I would have sworn it on a stack of Bibles(and hey, I'm Southern Baptist, so that's a big deal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />). I would have screamed it from the highest mountain top and preached it from any soapbox that I came across...In fact, if you would have asked my husband which one of us would have been most likely to stray he would absolutely have told you that it would have been himself. It is, however exacting statements such as the one that I quoted above, and the feelings that accompany them that make people the most vunerable to an A. You just never see the A coming, because "you would never do such a thing". Those feelings are what led me to believe that renewing contact with a past boyfriend would never "upset my apple cart", if you will. In fact I never even entertained the notion that it would be harmful at all...

I would like to qualify my above assertations a bit. I do tend to believe that those folks that make those statements on this site are indeed less vunerable to having affairs than those people who make them and don't know about Marriage Builders Principles. Especially those that have been around for some time, those people have truly internalized all that is offered here. Additionally, BSes have a very real understanding of the pain inflicted by an A. I would say that the BSes on this site are more safe, but they are also still human...just ask any of the BSes here who went on to become WSes themselves...

In my opinion, most people who get involved in A's, do so because all variables happen to be in place, so to speak. Are everyone's variables the same? That question could be argued forever. In my case, here's what happened...

1. We had a child, and I became a stay at home mom and allowed myself to become too isolated.

2. I became depressed and as our daughter got older, and the house became harder to manage, I began to just let things go.

3. The house was a shambles...not a very inviting place to come home to, so my husband began to work longer and longer hours. My husband is a conflict avoider...I played into this so much, because when he did get mad at me and express it, I would just turn it around and get mad at him, thus escalating things and causing him to withdraw, and essentially give up.

4. At this point, he was NEVER home, and I became more and more isolated and felt completely alone(my perception) in raising our daughter, so I became more depressed. I established my own routines, and was actually annoyed when he was at home.

SO NOW WE HAVE A GAPING HOLE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP...ENTER OM...

5. Even though my H and I weren't at a good place, I still held firmly to my core belief that I would never cheat. Before I knew it my conversations with OM became daily, then twice daily combined with light hearted and humorous emails constantly...I started letting him meet my emotional needs without even realizing it...then the conversations began to shift to "remember whens", and it wasn't too long til we started the "what ifs"...it was a very short leap from there...I never knew what hit me...even as I drove to OM's house the first time things became physical, I kept saying to myself, nothing's going to happen...I can't believe I'm going to see him alone...when I get there all the feelings I think I have for him will dissipate, because I would NEVER cheat on my H...(I hadn't a clue that I already was in a full blown emotional affair)...

I know that the A was not an answer to my marital problems...I know that I should have done so many other things...I know that now...back then, it all happened so fast...I came to a jumping off point and, sadly, I jumped...but, I got lucky...My wonderful husband was there to catch me...and listen, and never tell me that I was missing a chromosome or that my character was flawed...I think he knew that those type things would just lead us down the road to a false recovery...instead he has been here to love me, and show me the meaning of grace and strength...he has cried for me and with me and is here on this website everyday...that is what the process of recovery takes I believe...

Mrs. Wondering

Yes, Mrs Wonderful, you've said it all.

I LIKE Mrs Wonderful as your name. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Yes my H did the same.

KiwiJ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LOL girl...Thanks...We really are just plain ole wondering, every single day, lots to learn you know. I will say Mr. W does indeed make a wonderful wondering partner... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

stung...

It really isn't my intention to nit pick your post to death, but as a FWS, I have to say that the statements that you are making here along with the title of your thread are killing me...please tell me it's "tongue in cheek" and that you don't really believe this?






In case you are actually serious, here is a link to clear up any chromosomal confusion.

stung, I honestly mean you no ill will in posting this...I know that you are hurting, and I am sorry for that. Infidelity is brutal and incredibly unfair. I really do wish you Godspeed in your personal recovery.

I've had a pretty rough day, and I apologize in advance if you take offense, sincerely, none is meant...The implication and tone of your post actually hurt my feelings, and I just couldn't let it go...


Mrs. Wondering

Stungalong,

Before my inappropriate friendship, I thought I would never get tempted to have an A. I thought I was immune against this. As a married woman, I even thought of myself as someone who didn’t have a propensity and was not wired to get tempted or develop “in love” for someone else than my H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I was the last person on earth I thought would get tempted… But like so many other FWS’s, I’ve learned these things about myself until after I’ve developed these feelings and became tempted myself. I was blind sided and the feelings I've developed for OM over a long period of time during the friendship, caught me off-guard.

My experience was an eye-opener to me and I’ve learned the hard way. Prior to my involvement, I was on moral high ground and very judgmental towards people who get tempted and/or and involved into A’s. The greatest lesson I’ve learned from my experience was humbleness and that A’s (or the temptation to get involved into one) can happen to anyone if not cautious and careful; if not having strong boundaries in place; if not being aware of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities and if not staying close to God and listen to your conscience at ALL times.

I’ve also learned to be very careful about how sure you are about yourself and temptation. The devil can come against you when you least expect it, when perhaps you don't even see the weakness yourself. Many times people are not even aware of their weaknesses until they find themselves in a tempting situation. This usually happens because very few people go out looking to have an affair. As stated on TooSoonToBeComfortable’s thread – “15 Steps Of Unfaithfulness”:

“Most people don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse. Adultery is the culminating act of a dozen or more tiny steps of unfaithfulness. Each step in itself does not seem that serious or much beyond the previous step. Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time. And he does this over time so that our conscience is gradually seared. This makes it easier to take "just one more step" thinking such a tiny step won't hurt us.”

The above can also be explained by using the frog in the hot water analogy. If you threw a frog in a pan of scalding water it would quickly leap out in shock. If you put a frog in cold water and slowly turn the heat up, he will stay in the water until it’s dead. It’s very easy to cross an invisible line without being aware of its impact. And part of Satan's strategy is to use these inappropriate feelings and sexual attraction people often develop for a member of the opposite sex to cause them to stray. And during infidelity these types of feelings are intensified to the 100th power.

Read what Dr Harley say about this:

From: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

I think it's important to keep in mind here that Dr Harley didn’t say: “Anyone can have an A”. He said: ”We are all wired to have an affair.” There is a difference... Actually what I think Dr Harley really means here is that anyone can have the temptation to have and A. This can happen because, as further stated by Dr Harley: ”We can all fall in love with someone of the opposite sex if that person meets one of our emotional needs.” However, after one have “fallen in love” or developed infatuation towards another person, one can still resist and decide NOT to act on those feelings, but the fact remains that one was tempted by the “in love” feelings or feelings of infatuation in the first place. So IMO what Dr Harley actually meant here is that no one is immune against developing these feelings for someone else. Of course if one is cautious; careful; aware of one one’s weaknesses & vulnerabilities and have strong boundaries in place; be on guard at all times etc. the chance that these feelings can develop is much less. But ALL people are vulnerable in a greater or lesser degree... Some people might have a greater vulnerability and/or weaknesses than others, but again ALL people are vulnerable and wired to have an A.

As someone who has almost been involvement in a serious EA myself, I understand now how easily people can get involved in A’s and/or develop inappropriate feelings for someone of the opposite sex if not very cautious & careful… If I can explain: Although my involvement hasn’t yet progressed to a serious level, the feelings I’ve developed were extremely intense. So intense that it scared me… And because of this, I have more understanding & empathy now for the weaknesses of people who get caught up in A’s. From my own experience, I know how hard it is and how much willpower it take NOT to act on those feelings. I was lucky that certain internal factors (like my anxiousness, fear etc.) helped prevented me from acting on those feelings...

From my own experience and from what I’ve witnessed on these boards, I also know that A’s can be “one time mistakes” and WS’s CAN change and not make the same mistakes & wrong choices again. As I’ve already said, most A’s happen because people are not aware of their own weaknesses & vulnerabilities and because they don’t take the necessary precautions to safeguard themselves and their marriages from this. However, as you have already witnessed on these boards, many WS’s learn from their mistakes & wrong choices, take the necessary precautions to protect themselves and therefore become FORMER and RECOVERED WS’s who are very “sensitized” to A’s and will not allow themselves to make the same mistakes & wrong choices again.

Some people may always have certain weaknesses & vulnerabilities that can make them vulnerable to the opposite sex, but that’s why it’s important to work on those weaknesses; put certain boundaries in place and avoid ALL opposite sex friendships if necessary. Some people may need stronger boundaries than others – it all depends on the individual and specific circumstances.

Personally I am so “sensitized” to A’s now that I won’t even allow myself to have any opposite sex friendship where my H is not part of the friendship and where both of us can spend time with the person. Before my inappropriate friendship I was not so “sensitized” to opposite sex friendships and therefore allowed myself to enter such a friendship.

Hope this could help to shed some light on the subject from the perspective of a FWW…

Stungalong, something I want to add to my previous post:

From my experience and from what I’ve read on these forums, A's can happen to overall good, decent, kind, honest and faithful people with high morals & ethics as well... Not necessarily people who “lack a chromosome”. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Some FWS’s and OP’s really are just normal people who have made terrible, terrible choices...

I further believe that if the circumstances are right and the temptation is there, anyone can be capable of any sin... Satan can tempt anyone into sin...and sometimes Satan will especially focus on the faithful Children of God and try to bring them to a fall. Also, good, religious and strong people have human failings, weaknesses and sin as well... And every person on this earth have the potential to commit evil if their bad and/or weak side are allowed to take over the best side of them… but it's ONLY through the grace and protection of God (and our obedience in Him) that we can learn to become better and stronger people…to help us raise above our human failings, weaknesses and the potential bad and/or evil that rest inside every one of us. Just because people are good/decent and/or faithful and/or having high morals etc. doesn’t mean that they are immune against temptations, weaknesses, sin, human failings etc.

On one stage (before I’ve got tempted myself) I believed that A’s could ONLY happen to overall ‘bad’ people with no morals and conscience and, as you have said, serious character flaws. How wrong I was… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dear, dear Mrs. W and Suzet - Thanks for your replies, which have set me squarely on the ground again. I am truly sorry if I offended you. I was actually in reaction mode last night from having snooped and discovered many,many cell calls from my WH's cell to an unfamiliar number; I discovered today that the recipient is a guy friend. Guess I was just wondering if this is all worth it. And Grape is right, I probably should have implemented Plan B some time ago. Stung

No Worries (((stung)))...take care of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Mrs. Wondering

Dear stungalong, you didn't offend. In fact, with your current circumstances and your H's past betrayal, I can understand where you're coming from. However, I'm glad our posts have given you some perspective! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care and blessings,
Suzet