I've been reading and applying some of the experience and advice on this site to my own situation but now feel I need to reach out.

My wife said she "hit the point of no return" and wanted a divorce after 12 years of marriage about 3 months ago.

My story is very similar as many of the husbands here. I didn’t destroy our marriage by booze, gambling, abuse or infidelity. I destroyed it by ignoring my wife's emotional needs. I was too busy working and building a multimillion dollar business. I now realize that I sacrificed my marriage, and am willing to do anything to save it.

Ever since that night three months ago, I have dramatically modified my actions and realigned my priorities to make her the most important person in my life. According to her own accounts, she says that I am now doing everything she could ever have hoped for in terms of domestic/household stuff, our sex life, affection and conversation.

Here is the problem: She said that on that night three months ago she crossed this emotional line and "lost her heart". Since then she has wrote off any hope of loving me ever again. She got into internet sex chat and found that it meets a lot of her needs for conversation and openness. She tells me that she gets this amazing sense of power and complete acceptance from it. She got in pretty deep with a fellow on the net....but says she never has had anything physical with him. I found out about it and she promised to stop, but she keeps doing it even after I find out about it again and again.

I still love her and want our marriage to work, but she says there is too much pain. She hates that I am "everything she wanted for 12 years" now that it's too late. She hates that I look on her computer and see all the graphic sex chat in the emails.

A few nights ago she said she wanted to go through with filing for divorce and if within the six months she "finds her heart" we can stop it. The finality of ending our marriage would be on her radar screen which she says gives her a sense of peace.

I finally had a long hard cry following that conversation and realized for the first time that I may have lost my wife. Afterwards I felt a peace I haven’t felt in a long time.

I think I am accepting that she really could be gone and even though there is an incredible sadness...I know that I will be okay.

Despite her repeated requests for me to move out, and my repeated replies that she can move if she wants...she remains in our home. She is quite worried about her reputation being tarnished now and worried that I will fight the divorce. I still deeply respect her as my best friend and the mother of our 8 yr old daughter, so even though I've told her many times that she has nothing to worry about financially and otherwise, she is afraid.

She is going to a relationship awareness workshop in Houston this weekend to try and find her heart. So on one hand she sends the message that she wants to work on things, but on the other hand she wants to do her own thing and she doesn’t want me to have any expectations of her staying in the marriage or ending this internet affair.

I want to keep making deposits in our relationship to keep some hope alive, but at the same time I get the feeling that I should just let her go and let her do whatever she wants.

How can I do both? Should I do both? When is it time to let her go?

Thanks for listening.

MCM

Dear mcm,

When is it time to let her go?

When you've given your best Plan A. And you have to draw a line where Plan A stops... do not Plan A if your wife continues her disrespectful online behaviour. You are already doing some parts of Plan A the past three months, however, please read more about it in Harley's concepts.


She hates that I am "everything she wanted for 12 years" now that it's too late.
Why is it too late? Is she certain that she can do better, without your loving her? It is never too late.

Hang in there. We will help and support you.

mcm:

Sorry for your situation. It is an all too common story in our world today and as you're finding out - is extremely painful. This board is incredible for issues like yours and just remember that it's never too late.

I suggest that you copy & paste your story onto General Questions 2 on the infidelity board. In the title include something like "old-timers, could use your help...". Your story will be read and some knowledgeable people will respond. I also suggest that you study the phone-counseling that Steve Harley and his family offer on marriagebuilders.com. The calls are a bit pricey; however worth every dollar. Steve helped me tremendously in a short amount of time.

Buckle up for a roller-coaster ride and best of luck to you. I'll check in at GQ2 and see how you're doing.

FR

Thank you Ruff and Fish for the thoughtful feedback and support. I am going to call today for the phone consultation and post on the GQ2 board.

Re: Your question: Why is it too late? Is she certain that she can do better, without your loving her?

She feels that it is too late because she has convinced herself that my self-centered behavior over all those years finally resulted in absolute evidence that I didn’t really love her. It's so true what Dr. Harley says...those LB's of selfish demands, disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts add up in a big and powerful way. My W seems to remember every detail of every LB.

Through her own therapy and reading (she's read a half a zillion books) she recognizes that she is at a place where she deeply resents me. She admits that she blames me but also admits that it’s not healthy for her and that she knows (intellectually) that she was just as responsible as I for our current reality.

She says that she was 100% sure of our demise 3 months ago, today she says she is 90% sure and the only reason she is trying is because I asked her for time. And the only reason why it went from 100% to 90% is because my head popped out of my [censored] a few inches after studying this site and learning how to align the love I have for her into actual acts and words consistent with that love. It's true what they say. My skill and knowledge level within this relationship has been absolutely abysmal. It's not that I didn’t love her, it's that I was clueless and with my damned ego thought I had it all going on at work, etc..

Thanks again.

MCM

mcm:

"My W seems to remember every detail of every LB."

She has 2, doesn't she? Think long and hard about this. This is rationalization, revisionist his2ry. She is HAVING AN AFFAIR and needs 2 justify it.

You are in part responsible for the condition of your marriage prior 2 her choosing 2 cheat, but she is entirely responsible for her affair.

She will NOT be able 2 reconnect with you, no matter how many of her ENs you're meeting now, until she agrees 2 end her internet affairs for life.

It sounds like you've been doing a good plan A. You need 2 add exposure of the affair 2 your plan, and sooner rather than later.

it's great that you are planning 2 make an appointment with the Harleys. They are very good at getting 2 the bottom of these problems.

best,
-ol' 2long

Hi mcm,

How are you doing this week?

Am glad you're enlisting Dr Harley's help.
Don't forget, in doing Plan A, you need to draw boundaries too.

Will W agree to go on a holiday with you? Just you and her, and re-live your love for each other. No internet and no phone calls during the holiday.

She got a lawyer and says she is planning to file next week and that she will probably move out. But she is going to wait until after attending a seminar this weekend to see if she can "find her heart".

I got some great insights today in Harley consultation.

I need to stay the course with a solid Plan A and let the chips fall as they may. I will expose the A if she relapses....but so far so good.

She agreed to go to MB Weekend with me next week and chat with Steve prior. Seems like she is making an attempt although still rationalizes the A big time. This is disconcerning because it means she is vulnerable for relapse.

This has been another incredibly draining week on us both. Our business is starting to show the strain of both of us being consumed by this. Fortunately our Directors are taking up the slack and keeping things working.

I need to climb in the hot tub and get a good night sleep...long weekend awaits.

thanks 2long/all.

mcm

She got a lawyer and is planning to file next week and at the same time she agreed to MB Weekend and a chat with Steve?

Hey that's too much multitasking in the wrong priority!!!!!!!

Yes, do your darnest Plan A, I promise you will not regret it. Then tell her, if she steps out of the boundaries of your marriage, it is her decision and her responsibility. She choose to leave despite your trying to make the marriage work. Tell her you would not tolerate an A.

She can choose to have an A / ONS with some unknown person on the internet who gave her some attention and flattery.. and then what? live happily ever after?

Or... she and you can work this out together and come out stronger, wiser and more supportive and understanding of each other, building the marriage, just like how you build your business. Which is better, going through mlc trying to find someone, start dating all over again, have your heart broken many times before you find another person, or build on what you already have, security, a husband who loves you, a family and a business empire to boot?

It's not so much of trying to find her heart than where she wants to put it.

Rest well, mcm... you need the strength and clarity of mind.