I posted here several times but not for the last 2 months.A little back ground.
My wife told me in early October that i love u but not in love with you.We have had a rough couple of years, not in our marriage but with lifes woes.
I thought that she may of been having an affair and so did alot of people on this site. I went to a super vigilannce investigating her. I found flirting at work but seemingly nothing more.There was a suspishous new man at her job with lots of cell phone calls to her personal cell.Then her company picked up the cell tab for her to use it for work.I squashed all that and now no calls. I have been secretly monitoring her work Emails still and find nothing.
Ok now my feelings which are the problem.We are geeting along great and rebuilding our love, taking time to be together and get our marriage back on track. But for 2 months i was devistated, lost 20 pounds crying alot etc... I am still having trouble placing my trust back in her and i feel that i was bushwacked and betrayed by her not signaling problems before it came to this.
I deeply love her. Do i need to just forget the past and move on and how do i deal with this untrust?

You are perfectly normal in your feelings. She is going to have to prove herself trustworth over a long period of time.

Have you discussed her having appropriate boundaries with men at work?

Yes, you need to find a way to move past this. If you were vigilantly looking for evidance of an A for 3 months and found nothing, there is probably nothing to worry about. Your distrust will eventually erode all you have been working on. JMHO from someone who has been on the otherside of this scenario. Distrust is a hude LB when its unwarranted...if you found evidence to distrust her that would be different.

Onemoretime,

In spite of the fact that you’ve found no evidence of your W having an A, I’m worried that she has given you the “i love u but not in love with you” speech. Usually this indicates and involvement with someone else. And if your W wasn’t involved in an A, she was at least involved in an inappropriate friendship or has started to develop romantic feelings for someone else. The fact that she was flirting and received a lot of cell phone calls indicates that she behaves inappropriately with the opposite sex and that she doesn’t have proper boundaries in place to safeguard herself and the marriage... I think you should address this issue with your W and tell her that you are aware of her past flirting and the cell phone calls.

QUOTE "I’m worried that she has given you the “i love u but not in love with you” speech. Usually this indicates an involvement with someone else."

This is the hangup for me as well. I have read this story with this speech from several posters and in almost all situations an A was in the works.Or at least an EA. I confronted and she has denied it, as all WS would do.
I also have already confronted her about the flirting and bounderies and she agreed that it shouldnt be happening at work or anywhere else and that she would make the effort to make sure it didnt.We have read his needs her needs. I called her boss and had him adress it as well with all employees with a threat of sexual harasment suit to make sure i was taken seriously. Then i confronted the suspected man and made it clear that i would not tolerate flirting or any personal communication.Then i made it known that all of this was initiated by me to everyone in the office.
An affair would be almost impossible as i know where she is almost all the time with no time not accounted for.(almost)
My gut still says something wasnt right!
She is making every effort to restore love in our relationship and says that she had lost herself and that was the problem. She is in counseling for that and says she feels better.
I dont know if i need to move on and plunge trustingly ahead or not.Do i forgive and forget?

As I’ve said in my previous post, if your W was not yet involved in an EA, she was most probably in a situation where she had started to develop “in love” feelings (infatuation) towards someone else. I suspect she was at least involved in an inappropriate friendship OR has secretly developed a ‘crush’ on someone (possibly the man she was flirting with or received the cell phone calls from). And if this was the case, it can help to explain the ”I love u but not in love with u” speech. It’s even possible that the ‘crush’ was one-sided and that the other person was not aware of how she felt. It's already clear from what you’ve posted that previously your W didn’t had strong boundaries in place with the opposite sex.

From experience I can tell you that to start having feelings of infatuation/attraction towards someone else (even if there is not yet any A) can make a person feel very confused and questioning one’s feelings for one’s own spouse. You can read more about it on THIS POST (just click on the link). If you read my signature and the link in my signature line, you will see I was involved in an inappropriate friendship. During the friendship there was a lot of flirting and other inappropriate behavior involved, but at the time I didn’t view my behavior as betrayal towards my H. If your W was involved in a similar situation (inappropriate friendship or “crush” but not a full-blown EA yet) it’s possible that she didn’t view it as betrayal either. And because she doesn’t view this as *very serious*, she possibly doesn’t see the need to share this with you or she thinks she will unnecessarily hurt your feelings with this information.

I agree with you that something wasn’t right and I think you can trust your gut on that. However, it sounds if your W is aware of the boundary issue now and willing to put the necessary boundaries in place to safeguard herself and your M against the opposite sex in future. Maybe she has learned from her previous mistakes (flirting; inappropriate behavior etc.) and will not make the same wrong choices again. This is good. Maybe you can also print out the following thread and give it to your W to read as a reminder:

Emotional infidelity in the workplace

Onemoretime, I can’t answer that for you and I can understand why it’s difficult for you to put things in the past, but I can tell you this: Your W does sound remorseful and it’s clear that she’s trying to make amends in the M. Also, the fact that she is in counseling and recognizes that she was the problem and temporarily lost her way, is very good signs. However, if you can’t make peace with the fact that you will probably never get the full truth from your W and if you can’t put things in the past and move forward without it, then probably you need to take this issue up with your W again and try to work/talk things out with the help of a Marriage Counselor. My question is, if your W wasn’t involved in an A but had developed a serious ‘crush’ on someone (which was most probably the case), do you want to know about it and do you think the knowledge of this will help you to move forward and forgive your W?

Thank you so much for the input...NO i dont care what happened and if there was a crush or romantic thoughts. As long as i have killed it effectively(which i feel i have, everyone in the office knows that i will confront them if needed. I was the crazy jealous husband talk for weeks)and if it made her aware of the dangers from it in the future. She is trying very hard to do the right things and is working on filling all my EN as well as i am with her.She wants a rewarding happy marriage also!
I guess the important thing here is we are on the right track and im sure my trust in her will restore after more of my hurt fades away.we are now reading love busters together and we are at a new level in our marriage and getting along wonderfully. I just still hurt from the ILUBNILWU speech!

Onemoretime, you need to give yourself more time. The wound will take time to heal and it's not an overnight process. Be patient. Also, don't try to suppress your feelings. It's normal for you to still go through stages of pain, hurt, anger and grief over what happened - especially since you feel you haven't got the full truth from your W. All this is part of the recovery process. If you experience days of sadness and the feelings come all over you again, then try to communicate these feelings to your W in a loving & caring way. She needs to know you are still hurt. Let her comfort you and feel your pain. This will also increase the intimacy between the two of you. It sounds if you and your W really love each other and do all the necessary things to recover. Hang in there and keep posting...even if you just need to vent.

Take care and blessings,
Suzet