I am brand-new to this site. It is quite important to my H. that I begin to communicate with others in my situation. I had a brief affair late summer, early fall '05 with a colleague. It was somewhat complicated as technically I was his boss and technically he was my evaluator in my job. We could have completely destroyed our lives, our spouses lives and our 5 children's lives with the selfishness we acted on. A phone call over a weekend while I was with my H. was the catalyst for the unveiling of the worst mistake I have ever made. I have not blamed anyone except myself. I have 2 children d-14, s-12 from a previous marriage, pre-A there were power struggles about where I spent my time and energy. I felt torn on weekends when my kids would have games but I couldn't go because of my agreement with H. to spend our weekends together alone without attending their functions. Should I have ever agreed to that without expressing my heart? No. I realize that now. I also became overwhelmed because I was doing consulting on the side and was in grad-school. I didn't know if I was coming or going and felt impending doom but never thought I would bring it on myself. Besides the OM and I working on several high profile projects together that brought profesional fulfillment, the OM is an adolescent psychologist. My "usually pleasant" teenage daughter had several issues over the summer. I felt like my decision to marry again had something to do with her "new" attention seeking behavior. I talked to OM about it. We began discussing our private lives. I found out he was unhappy in his marriage. And then everything crumbled. We were on a business trip when I decided to join the group out on the town. I don't drink. H. and I have experienced enough pain from alcohol and we chose not to drink and hadn't for the four years we had been together. I was tired and overwhelmed. My employees were thrilled that I actually joined them socially. As the night wore on the OM and I were with a group the whole time. I ended up telling him I was attracted to him. He reminded me that he was married and that he had not and would not cheat on his wife. We ended up talking until early morning with another person present. I apologized to him and then tried to figure out how I was going to tell my H. That was the extent of the "line crossing" for a couple of weeks. It was after we returned home that OM came to me one day and told me how amazed he was that I would feel that way about him. Blah. Blah. Blah. I was in over my head in no time. I guess I am saying way too much. The bottom line is that I love my husband. I have had NC since the NC e-mail 10/26. I have dropped all graduate work and stopped consulting so that we can focus on our marriage. My H still has a lot of unresolved anger. How do I help him deal with it? I wondered if it was right that he was buying lingerie and sending flowers to me after he found out about the affair. He enacted Plan A with me. He has been nothing but supportive through my father's 58 days in ICU, took care of my kids through that and then supported me through my own emergency surgery. He has been so incredible but I am frightened. Yesterday, he clouded up BIG TIME he said things tha made me feel like we were back at square one and that our hard work together was negated. I had the same suicidal feelings I was having two months ago. What can I do to help us through this anger? Sorry this is so long. Thanks for any advice you have for us. We both want it to work.

2mel, welcome to MB. First, I will bump up Dorry's thread for WS wanting to recover. I am glad you found our WW thread already. Expect this periods of anger from you BH. It is natural and to be expected that things will suddenly hit him in the face. Have you read Surviving An Affair? If not get it and both of you read it.

Your H seems to have been great so far. At least on the outside. He has been giving you the gift of protection, ... protecting you from his pain and anger.

But I'm sorry, I missed something in your post. I see what he has done, I see that you like and appreciate the things he has done. But, .... what have you done? What is your contribution to the "our hard work"?

Your H will be damaged for quite awhile, and have deep periods of sadness and even anger. Do you just ignore it and hope "he'll get over it".

From a BS point of view. He needs to hear you are sorry. Each time he feels bad he needs to know you are sorry for what you've done. When he is feeling bad, share with him your sorry for the role you played in this, that you are sorry for being the source of his pain, and want to make him secure it will never happen again. He wants to know you regret what you did, he wants to know that you really do think it was a horrible mistake.

He needs to see actions that back up the words. He needs reassurance that you won't abandon the marriage again. Not just words, but in action.

He's kind of showing his sorrow by doing a good plan A. By doing those things that you like and appreciate. He is making it up to you for any role he played in making you vulnerable. You have to make it up to him as well. Show him through actions. If he doesn't see those actions, he will grow resentful, he will not feel secure in your commitment to a faithful marriage.

You are in the right place to build your marriage. I know good things are ahead for you and your H.


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Thanks so much for your response. My H. has visited here for several months and has spoken highly of you. He was hoping you would reply to me. We have read Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs and Not Just Friends. We have spent hours and hours discussing the whys and the details. That IS heart wrenching for both of us but because of this forum and the books we know that it is necessary. How do Other FWW cope with the incredible guilt and remorse. I want so bad to make it up to him. I know there is no way to do that. It is impossible to express my sorrow enough. We are wanting to go to a MB weekend. Has anyone else done that and if so, was it beneficial?
2Mel

Hi Tom,


Good Question! I guess I mean that we have dropped everything else (except our children) to focus attention on our marriage. As far as what I have personally done...There have been many times he has called my work and said, I need you to come home now. I need to talk. I have made arrangements everytime. I have dropped all grad classes and quit doing consulting presentations because he asked me to. We talk for hours about the different questions he has. I do my best to reassure and to show my remorse to him as often as I can. I love him. What we have is real. The A. was an escape from "real responsible" life. We spend as much time together as we can now, even though it doesn't always feel natural. Thank you for your response. I will continue to say I am sorry. I am glad to know that it helps. You know, I didn't mention that I have upheld no contact with OM because that is not an issue for me anymore. I guess that is a sign of progress too.
2Mel

2mel, that is a great sign that NC is not an issue for you. So many FWS struggle with NC. I know some people here have done the weekends. You may start a sep. thread to ask that question.

I felt that my FWH didn't really understand what I am going through & was expecting me to be able to move forward more easily then it really is. At the beginning, I had alot of good days & he thought things are getting better pretty quickly. Then, I began crashing. I would come back out of it & crash again & he was wondering what's going on. Finally, I crashed & stayed there and progress stalled & he was frustrated. The more frustrated he got, the more depressed, resentful & angry I got. I was to a point where I was telling him "just leave me" when my first responses to him were loving & forgiving.

The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."

Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it , the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Your husband is likely going through the stages of grief & may go through one or more stages more then once. He can go back & forth between stages as well. In the beginning, spouses can be in denial so they can seem more pleasant at the beginning wanting to do everything for you & make everything work. But, then anger sets in. Then, bargaining and on to depression. So, you need to expect many emotions are going to come out during this time. Until he gets to acceptance & stays there, it's going to be a tough road.

Secondly, someone ask what you are doing in this process to help your H heal. I think you should read my post on the responsibilities of a WS & BS during recovery : http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=1#2917435

Read Suzet*'s post on the first page on What the WS/BS Must Do to Reconcile because there may be things you are not doing that could be creating more problems. You must remember that this isn't about YOUR feelings, it is about his. This was part of my H's problem. He would say I was withdrawing from his love bank when I was angry or depressed & it was adding pressure to my already fragile state. He was also thinking recovery was my responsibility, not his. In fact, YOU have the biggest responsibility in recovery & YOU hold the key to his healing.

I hope this is helpful.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply. I appreciate it. The idea of grief and recovery is right on. We will definitely look at this together. You are right it is my responsibility and I want to fulfill it...

2mel... another FWW here. Welcome to the site, sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

IMVHO, recovery is BOTH yours and your H's responsibility. And the five stages of trauma and four steps of grief apply to both of you. You are both grieving a loss, and it's a process to work through.

Want2bstrong gave you some good links... check them out. dorry and Suzet are FWWs have helped me out a lot as an FWW; they'll help you too.

Something else here I find troubling in terms of what appear to be selfish demands from 2mel's H. 2mel wrote:


IMHO, your H has no right to forbid you or even pressure you not to attend your children's functions. That is a selfish demand, clear and simple. Tom Joad and Want2BStrong have put the lion's share of the responsibility for recovery on you, 2mel, but I feel that your H bears equal responsibility for both the fragile status of your M and your recovery.

TJ and Want2B, do you REALLY feel that her H has no hand in this? The children were in the picture when they M'ed, does a new spouse have any right to try and restrict a parent's activity with their kids?? Am I the only one who sees a HUGE red flag here?

No the A was not justified, and 2mel is clearly showing remorse for it. But her H's selfish demands (are they not LBs?) asre not helping the sitch at all.

Just felt the need to point that out because no one else has. I guess it's just seeing this from the FWW side.

Good on you for keeping NC, 2mel, that's hard especially at this stage of the game. But the two of you need to POJA some things and establish some boundaries, esp. with regard for your kids.

I think there is a POJA opportunity where it comes to recreational time together as a family, or together with the kids without H, etc.

I tried to point that out too. GBH did a much better job of though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Frankly GBH, YES. Her husband has no hand in her infidelity. Did he contribute to to state of the marriage prior to the affair, absoluely! As did she.

I'm sure there were unmet needs and love busters galore. Just like most marriages. But how we respond is our on our own shoulders. I do believe love is conditional. However if you are saying that her "husband made her do it". Nope, I'm not buying that turnip. Other options were available.

I took from 2mels first post the her husband was taking steps to change those problems he contributed to. By her own account he was doing a good job so far.

I don't release her BS from his obligation to build a stronger, more fulfilling marriage. However, I do not blame her H for her affair. As soon as thsy happens then whenever a spouse is not happy in thier marriage for whatever reason, then an a affair is justified?

GBH, how did having an affair, let 2mel spend more weekends with her children?

It is both thier responsibilies to build a better marriage. It is 2mel's responsiblilty to repair the damage done by the affair. And telling her BH that "you made me do it" will not lead to a recovery that lasts.

2mel is in the right place here at MB. You'll get good insight and direction here. Good Luck.

Hi I am Merlin2 the BS of 2melancholy. I have posted a couple of month ago with my story you can read my account of the A. There has been justification made by my FWW in that the children were a reason. I would like to first say that I have never forbid or pressured 2melancholy to not be involved with the children. When we were first married their father would take them every other week-end and on Wednesday nights and would take them to most of the sport practices. This gave 2melancholy and I time to be together during this time. I have always made part of the activities especially on our week-ends. Then this last year the kids father stopped taking them to most practices and not keeping them all night on Wednesday. This created more work and less time for us. I travel 125 miles back and forth to work every day and my job also requires occasional week-end work. I did not make as many activities as I had in the past and not all were because I couldn’t but because I was tired. This created stress between 2melancholy and I began to lose our connection so after discussing the problem 2melancholy & I both decided we would spend our week-end together. The real issues started when OM started counseling 2melancholy on what I should be doing as a step-father. Remember I had know knowledge of a growing friendship with OM or the discussions. OM had an attraction to 2melancholy for years. What had not been a problem in our M before OM had now became a major issue without my knowing. Do you think perhaps his influence could have had something to do with it????
Merlin2

By H having a hand in this, I was referring to the fragile state of the marriage, TJ, not the A itself. And if you read further down my post you would have seen where I wrote the A was NOT justified. Nowhere did I say that the H made her do it.

I simply sensed here that, as usual, the BSs are dumping on 2mel because she's a FWW and BSs are not recognizing her remorse and efforts to try to make things right. She gave up some of her studies, too.

Recovery's a two-way street. Each of them has to try and make things right, and each has to let the other try and make things right.

Sometimes, I look for the question that the poster is asking --- here's your final question to the board:



The anger in this situation is appropriate. Sit with my response for awhile before you respond back.


Interesting you label your H's attempts to spend time alone with you as "power struggling" .... When I read about all of the other people in your life you make time for .... makes me wonder how you had time for your H, much less how did you find the time to have an A????

and THAT is perhaps one of the things your H is angry about .... you made time to have an affair ... whereas you need to be "power struggled" into reserving weekend time for your marriage.

See what I mean?

Quote:
She gave up some of her studies, too.

She gave up the studies because the building where she went to class was also were the office was located for the OM. This is part of where the Affair was taking place. She gave up the classes for NC.
Merlin2

GBH was that a disrespectful judgement? I mean your "sensing" and "as usual". I didn't see anythng in any of the posting attacking 2mel. In fact I read encouragement for her efforts here.

Of course both partners play a role in the state of the marriage prior to the A. Rarely is there one perfect partner and the other evil.

If your above statement wasn't a DJ, I'll add this. So they had an unfulfilling marriage? Your statement about his "role" led me to believe, as usual, many WW blame their affairs on the BS. They like to say, "The affair was 100% my fault, BUT, I had an unfulfilling marriage." The BS was in the same marriage.

I don't want to take up anymore of 2mels thread with this. She wants help building her marriage, not placing blame.

.

I just noticed the BS is here as well.

I am very glad you are both here. It is so encouraging. While your here you will both probably get some foul tasing medicine. But the medicine will make your marriage well.

Merlin2. It is not uncommon for a WW to change the marital history. It is not uncommon for a BS to change it either sometimes. In the months following D-Day I found out that all the things my STBX said she liked about me she actually hated.? I think that the A certainly played a role in what you were speaking about.

However, the good thing is ... tomorrow you can both work on fixing that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am brand-new to this site. It is quite important to my H. that I begin to communicate with others in my situation.

It had hoped it would be important two both of us!!!
I felt torn on weekends when my kids would have games but I couldn't go because of my agreement with H. to spend our weekends together alone without attending their functions.

It was an agreement that we made toghether. We spent week-ends talking and connecting always reassuring each other of our love and how happy we were toghether. But I was suppose to be able to read minds.
Besides the OM and I working on several high profile projects together that brought profesional fulfillment, the OM is an adolescent psychologist

Was never told about the other man, I may have heard his name mentioned once or twice.

I didn't know if I was coming or going and felt impending doom but never thought I would bring it on myself.

I was totally unaware of the impending doom. When I would ask if everything was ok you would tell me your were just stretched thin but that you were ok.

I felt like my decision to marry again had something to do with her "new" attention seeking behavior.

So that must meen that I was a poor influence on her. That their lives must have been much better before me???
H. and I have experienced enough pain from alcohol and we chose not to drink and hadn't for the four years we had been together.

We both had also experienced the pain of our prior-marriages having un-faithful spouses. So we both knew the pain that had caused.