WH is doing some unusual things lately. Perhaps my email in reply to my inlaws nasty one has started something. (BTW, they've never replied back.) WH is initiating a little more contact with his kids. It's extremely small babysteps but something.

On Saturday, WH drove for many hours to pick DS up from a sporting event. DS could have traveled back in the team bus but he wanted to get back early to go to a school dance with his GF. I couldn't go but WH volunteered to. We're talking a full day of driving. When I saw DS later that night, I asked if he'd had a good talk with his dad. The answer was "Not really, I was out of it from competing all day." I saw DS that night because his car broke down between school and his GF's house. Who do you think DS called to help him? Me.

WH also asked DS to go to the grandparent's house on Sunday afternoon to watch the football game with the 3 of them. DS decided not go to. Even though his car was dead, DS could have made it work. I believe his dad (who lives 5 minutes away) would have picked him up before the game and taken him back to school. Although he won't admit it, I believe DS timed his refusal call to make sure his dad was either on route or at his parents' house. Needless to say, I felt the need to watch the game with DS and DD. (I proudly have not seen any other pro football game this year.) The three of us watched while we ate grilled burgers and snacks until our team screwed up so badly, we couldn't bear it anymore.

Tonight, WH is taking DD to a women's basketball game. He emailed last week that he'd been given tickets and wanted to take her. It was phrased more like a demand than a request. The reply back was that DD wanted him to talk to her. Last minute Charlie finally called her at 7:30 last night. She loves basketball and does want to go. It's the first outing they've had together in over a year. Under her anger is a little girl who is desperate to have a dad.

WH has decided upon a counselor. Unfortunately, he can't get it together to book us an appointment for MC. I'm taking the initiative and setting up an appointment for IC with the guy. WH won't have anything more to do with the Harleys. I believe I've learned enough from my sessions with Steve to keep things on track. WH saw this same counselor just after D-day last year. His advice was to dump OW before we could start anything. Based upon that, I think this counselor will be okay.

As requested by my inlaws, I have been looking deeply into myself. I see that my heart is very hard. Not quite sure what to do about that. I'm pretty sure there's a very soft heart under the protective covering that's developed in the past year. Should it be up to WH or me to break through it?

I'm glad WH is reaching out a bit to his children. I don't hold out alot of hope for us. Perhaps this is the beginning of some caring actions. Time will tell.

I'm not understanding the decision to see a counselor chosen by your H while you are in Plan B.

Why is this not a waste of your time?

All you need from your WH right now is to get rid of the OW.

Isn't counseling useless until he does that? Is the plan for the counselor to talk him into getting rid of her?

Are you buying into the message from your inlaws that this is about YOU and YOU NEED TO FIX YOURSELF?

IMO, he needs to abide by the PLAN B letter. Period.

There is nothing stopping him from doing that.

This seems to me to be further stalling..some cake-eating on his part.

He needs to mend his R with YOU. Don't let him off the hook because he is giving MINIMAL attention to his children. He is supposed to be HOME with them NOT driving them around or taking them to ball games...He continues to fail in meeting his obligations to them as a FATHER...setting a poor moral example..abandoning their mother...

I agree with everything you have to say. EVERYTHING. (Well, except buying into my inlaw's perception of my faults.) It's stalling. It's cake eating. WH has put minimal effort into all parts of his family life. It's all true.

I believe that currently there are 3 things sustaining him. 1) His ever-present, energy and time sucking work 2) his parents 3) his all expense paid, company, work/holiday trip to New Zealand. What part OW plays in his life is an unknown factor. He did admit, back in the 'way too extended Plan A, that she had other boyfriends. Plural. The fact he went to watch the game with his parents instead of a bar or elsewhere (OW) is encouraging.

I have been carefully keeping to Plan B. I have seen him twice since August. Once by DD's plea, another at a sporting event. I do not speak to him. We exchange dry, businesslike emails. Like many others, the intermediary thing has not worked for us. I have been trying hard to not even think about what he is doing, thinking or seeing. There has been no cake to eat. I've stayed far, far away. Or at least, it seems that way to me. Steve said that emails concerning counseling were acceptable in Plan B.

I actually want to see a counselor for IC. I've been feeling for sometime that it is something I need to do for me. If I can do it with someone on our insurance for $15 vs. $189 for the Harleys, that's good too. After exposure to SH, I think it will help me with the counselor's prospective. The counselor we went to last year basically asked me why I'd want to stick around with that ball-less, cheating jerk (AKA WH). Definitely not helpful. The fact that this guy, on his only visit last year, actively advised WH to immediately end his affair seems to be a good sign.

I'm trying to be a lighthouse here. I will do IC because it's something I WANT to do. Unlike my Inlaws, I don't believe I have any deep flaws that have prevented our recovery. I do want an outlet for my anger and questions. If going to this guy leads into MC, that would be good. If going to a counselor to get an honest answer about OW is what it takes, so be it. I suspect that after WH's big trip, life will be a bit of a letdown for WH. Perhaps this will give him the opening to start on reconciliation issues. It will give him an option besides OW.

I see it as a positive sign that WH has asked about seeking MC. It is one of my Plan B points. I need some questions answered. (And I know there can be no true answers until OW is well out of the picture and that's the biggest question of all.) Does WH just want to get his yaa yaas out and return to our marriage? Will I accept that? Is it depression and/or midlife crisis? Is he just too cowardly to step forward and end our marriage?

You are completely right that WH needs to mend his relationship with me. I believe it falls upon HIM to melt the ice around my heart. I've been at this now for over 15 months and I'm starting to get tired of it. SH says that you do Plan B until you run out of gas. I'm on my wing tanks. Maybe I haven't been at it long enough or well enough. I don't do limbo well.

Neither the kids or I are letting him slither off any hooks because he is giving them minimal attention. The kids are smart and they know exactly what's going on. Whether we stay married or get divorced, WH will always be their father. He needs to take steps to heal that breach also. If he wants to heal his relationship with them and not with me, I sure would like to know.

Let me know if you think my reasoning is faulty. I appreciate reality checks. 2x4's welcome.