I'm so good at following rules. I have been in Plan A with no deviations. I have opened my own bank account and faithfully deposited money. I have been the perfect doormat wife. My husband is still here and seems to have stopped the late nights and everything was going fine or so I thought.

Things seemed to be getting back to normal until the day I innocently asked if we were going to start making plans for summer vacation (something we always do in January). You would have thought I slammed a 2x4 into his face with the reaction I got. He flipped out and yelled at me that he didn't even know if he wanted to be married.

Long story short, I shut down towards him. I mean I still speak to him as always, I still cook, go out for meals with him and the kids if he asks (he always does) but I guess what I've done is shut down my feelings and that was working too until my 15 year old daughter got involved.

He seems to think that none of this will affect her since he is "sheltering" her from it. I mean, come on, she's 15 and not stupid. She and I have talked about it and that angers him too. Recently she started getting headaches, not being able to sleep and today she is home again because her stomach hurts, again. On his way out to work he asked me what I thought was wrong with her and that mother bear instinct came out. I very quietly, very calmly told him that she is stressed out over this situation, he flipped and yelled "so you're saying its my fault?" again, I quietly, calmly told him that yes, his choices are not only affecting me but her too and yes it is his fault, and I closed the door behind him.

On another note, older daughter became engaged and is planning her wedding. He was not happy that he wasn't being included by her. She is very angry with him over this but wasn't intentionally leaving him out. He is just never around. He said to her "I can't believe everything I'm missing cause I'm being an a--hole".

So what do I do? This is like a hotel to him, clean sheets and towels, meals, laundry service, cable tv and no one to answer to. But it's hard on me and my 15 year old, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Please, someone, anyone?

What would you tell you to do if you had read this? I don't recall anyone saying plan a was about making your house a hotel, or being a doormat.

There are guidelines for this. Conditions to be met for you guys to pretend to be together....I think you should lay down the law with him. Explain to him it's a partnership, and if he's unsure if he wants to be a partner, then the door is right there. Of course, be prepared for him to walk out it. It often seems so fine and dandy until the bills start piling up, not the first or second month, it's the third month when they realize, crap, I can't pay my insurance, oh well...who needs that, 4th month, crap, that is a big credit card bill.... oh man, I'm in trouble.

You gotta be strong, and decide what YOU want. Persue the course that promotes that path, and keeps you and your children happy.

-hang in there

How about more information,

When was DD?
Where was the affair?
Is there continued contact?
Have you been following Dr. Harley's concepts of Plan A?
How long?

Thanks you so so much. I'm really falling apart.

More info can be found HERE HERE and HERE .

I have flat out told him that if he can't be here and be honest etc then he should go. He won't go. I just told him that again tonight. This is all just too hard. I feel so lost

Sounds like he's fence-sitting. Have you contemplated Plan B? (Easy for me to say - I've been in Plan A since APRIL!)

Stung

Plan B really does seem like the thing to do. I know this isn't working the way it is now. I just don't know how to get him to leave.

I'll tell you, planning a wedding for my daughter and facing my own possible divorce sure isn't fun.

I understand how you feel. I am going through the same thing. My H has repeatedly said that he doesn't want to stay married. I tried Plan A but he eventually blew up and told me that I was a weak woman and that he wanted nothing to do with me. I then switched to Plan B and arrangements were made for him to leave. His apartment is ready but he just won't leave. I have decided not to force him to go, but at the same time I have made it clear to him that if he wants to stay then we have to work on things together which means going back to Plan A and the first thing will be for him to cut all contact with the OW. He won't leave the house, but they still make appointments to meet. I have given him a week after which I will move out so that he can't continue fence sitting.


BS (me): 32
WH: 36
married: 6 years
together: 12 years

Children
DD 5 years
DS 3 years; 1 year

OW: 34 - H's former PA.