I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have neglected my wife for 3 years because of my stupid hobby. I am a programmer, and I program after work until I go to bed. I thought everything was fine, except for the occasional requests from WS to hold her or spend time with her. I thought she was being needy and I was so selfish that I did not take the time to meet her needs.

It was 1/19/2006 when she informed me that she had sex with another man. The man is her customer and calls and text messages her every day still. I am going to try to implement Plan A, but she says that she still wants to be friends with him / have him as her customer. She cuts hair.

I truly want to meet all of her emotional needs, but she is telling me that she doesn't want me to be different, she thinks it is not genuinely me, if I change to meet her needs.

I want to change, but I can't stand the pain of letting her 'work it out' in her mind. I love my family so much, and I just want to be back to how things were, except I don't want to neglect her anymore.

I feel hopeless, and I just want to know if it's worth all this pain to try and work it all out. I do feel that it's worth it for my children. I don't want them to suffer.

Neglector,

Welcome to MB -sorry for the circumstances of our meeting.

I think it's great that you recognize your weak areas in the marriage. That is a good starting point.

She is involved in an ongoing affair. She is emotionally attached, addicted even. She doesn't WANT you to have to change, because if you do then she will not have justification for the affair. Right now she can blame her actions on your short-comings and neglect.

There is hope. It is worth it for your children. They will suffer if you separate or divorce. You can work toward the marriage you both always wanted. But first the affair must end.

Have you exposed the affair to her boss? To her family & friends? To OM's wife (if one exists?) That is a big part of Plan A, and a painful & necessary part. Affairs don't die easy deaths. They need to have the light of truth shined on them thru exposure. They flourish in the dark and in the secret.

You might find a lot more traffic on General Questions II - it's a busier board.

MSA

Former,

Well, you have already taken the first step...recognizing that you played a role in making your marriage suseptable to an affair. But, your WW CHOSE to engage in a PA.

You know that for your marriage to survive and for you to recover, all contact must stop, so you must expose as indicated above.

Also, do not disregard the fact that your WW may have exposed herself and you to STD's so you should both get checked out for your sake and your children.

Of course it is worth it. You have more than just yourself and your wife to consider.

Who