Dorry,

Do you have a synopsis posted on your story? I am just curious because you said you had and A, then during recovery your husband had an A, very similar to my situation.
The only difference being you are still together. My FWW is now stbxw because she filed as soon as finding out about my A.

I still am disgusted in myself for having the A. And in reality, it was more like a multiple ONS because I was never under any illusion that I loved OW and have honestly not had any "withdrawal". I know, that doesn't say much about me and my character, but my head is so mixed up now and for several months now that I really don't know what to say....

My focus now is trying to minimize the impact of the D on my children, as much as that is realistically possible, and honestly trying to let the D be as easy on stbxw as I can.

For myself, I need to learn how to let go, and learn how to be a better person for the future so that if I do have the opportuity to have a relationship with someone else that I will not repeat the same mistakes that ruined this marriage.

Anyhow, back to my orignal question, do you have a synopsis post on your story?

Hi TD...

I'm not sure where dorry is today, if I had to guess, she's probably out volunteering at one of her children's schools...I'll bet that she'll be around later, to answer any questions for you...but until then, here is the link to her story...

dorry's story

She's a wonderful lady, and an inspiration to so many here, including me...

TD, I hope that you are doing well.

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

awww thanks for the kind words Mrs Dubya!

Hey TD - one of the biggest differences in my story vs yours is that I from day 1 was interested in recovery. I was here on the boards, challenging myself, changing - albeit - I wasn't fully responsible in my mind yet.

My husband at first was very kind, compassionate wanting to try very hard, but by 2 months post d-day he started to grow distant - he was angry all the time and often lashed out as you do.

I took it all - as I felt I deserved it, and also I was willing to do what it took to recover. many people said I shouldn't have taken it - but I did - it was just me at that time and my guilt.

I continued to grow, change, challenge and 5.5 months post d-day H got into an EA, and at 6.5 months he left to start a life with her...he was back by month 7.5 (he was gone 3.5 weeks). That was over 6 months ago now and we are 13.5 months into recovery from my d-day and 6 months into his.

While many have always had harsh words for you TD - I have seen more on your wife - and I sadly believe this for her was the excuse she needed to leave and not feel guilty. I do not believe she was really interested in recovery...I believe she has not TRULY looked herself and her contributions.

I dont think all hope is lost though - I see you committing to changing yourself - and you MUST keep that at up - it's so important...and I hthink she may have to hit bottom herself completely before she may see what she has...if she does see it.

Oh and mrs Dubya

Today was a day for me - my best friend is a massage therapist...I was getting eyebrows waxed and full body massage while kids were at school today

AHHHHHHHHHHH

Thanks Dorry.... but I do know that I made so many mistakes. And not just little ones.

My IC is helping me admit to others issues that I have always known about my self but never allowed anyone else to know (including stbxw).

In particular, I have significant self esteem and self worth issues. I have an irrational fear of being alone. I have deep-seated abandonment issues from childhood.

These issues in particular played a large role in the dysfunctions of my marriage, and made reconciliation after W's affair all the more difficult.

And now, even though I can admit to these issues, I can't say that they have been fully dealt with as of yet. And that makes this divorce all that much more painful for me.

Even with all of these issues in play, that does not change the FACT that stbxw has, since we met when I was 17 and she was 15, been the ONLY person who has been a constant in my life. She has been the ONLY person there for me, who I could always depend on, who I knew loved me and accepted me for who I was. She has been the ONLY person in my life, until my children came along, who showed me outward displays of love and caring.

And then she rejects and abandons me for another man, and I just didn't have the emotional tools at the time to handle that while trying to reconcile.

Everyone told us it would be a long and difficult road. I knew that. I don't think she realized how difficult it would be for me. Everything I heard from her and the MC was that she was giving all she could give to me. And she probably was. But at the same time I was hearing that I needed to change my bad behaviors NOW. My difficulty was in being able to place me changing my bad behaviors IN FRONT OF healing my pain from her A. And I needed to do all of this basically by myself and alone because W "didn't have anything else to give" to me at the time. I just couldn't do it. I would truly work on my issues, and then grow resentful because of the pain from her A that was not being adequately dealt with. Then I would get mad and ruin any progress made.

Then I went and did probably the stupidist thing I have ever done in my life and had an A that in hindsight only made me feel worse about myself.

And now, she is once again abandoning me when I feel like I need her the most. That really hurts.

I am trying to do the right thing, trying to make myself a better person, trying to deal with my emotional issues. My bad behavior is not due to me not caring or not wanting to save my marriage.

But I guess she thinks it is all too much for her to stick around for. She sees my bad behavior as a lack of caring on my part, I guess.

Either way, I have work to do on myself. And my stupid A only makes my load all the bigger to work on.

I know that I will become a better person from all of these experiences. It is kind of stupid or thickheaded to have to fail in order to learn, but that is where I am at.

I AM PROUD you are recognizing and making the changes...I really am. But from her dicussions here and following your story - I really think she is using this is a way out so she no longer looks like the bad guy - that now again you are...for years in her mind you were, she had an affair - she didn't LIKE being the bad guy now...she defended herself - threw blame - never willing to accept that what she did was her own fault - and due to your anger - she became even more frustrated - as see he's still abusing me - and you guys keep seeing me as the bad guy cause i had an affair - it's a so hard done by story done by so many WS's...

While some of her stuff is valid - she also has a double standard...I read her complaints and she was pretty cruel back to you.

here's the big thing - YOU are recognizing your problems, changing - she is taking your mistake as an opportunity to not have to look at herself and take the wasy road out - leave..she will continue to make mistakes unless she does what you are doing, but as you know - looking at yourself is NEVEr easy...it's the hardest thing to do.

Your last sentence is the best thing I heard you say - you WILL become a better person - with or without her...and that will make you a better DAD and a better YOU in the long run TD...