I hope im in the right forum. This story does involve an affair.

I have been with my wife for a little over 10 years, married 5 years ago. We have one boy together (9) and another (12) which I adopted 5 years ago before we were married. I also have a 16 year old daughter from a previous marriage. I am 39 she is 32.

The last few years I have been in severe depression, to the point I just did not care about myself and it showed. I am diabetic with high blood pressure and I was not taking care of either issue. I used my work to hide from her and the world. I am self employed.

I never received any financial support from my wife (I paid for everything and was killing myself earning the money to do it), she would not clean, fix meals, show affection and rarely did we have sex. I got to the point it started making me bitter and angry. She knew how I felt, I told her and she would act as if I never said a word. I would get the ‘that’s not true’ and that’s all I could get out of her. I was the only one who ever tried to hug, cuddle, kiss. I just felt totally used and taken for granted. I was always there, I did not run around, drink, do drugs, abuse. I worked to support my family.

Back in early November 2005 I just could not take anymore and talked with her and told her I needed a break from all of this and needed to move out for awhile. She wanted me to stay till after Christmas and I agreed, for the kids. I was not going to just disappear and leave her and my kids stranded. Things were not improving and I needed some time to get myself back on track. My job had been suffering for a very long time now and if I did not do something we all would be on the streets.

From that point on I tried my best to cope with things but started noticing a lot of strange things she has been doing. On December 15th 2005 I received a call from her sister whom she works with telling me I either need to move out now or I should ask her to, she has a boyfriend and he sent her roses at work that day. I cant explain it, for all intents and purposes the marriage was pretty much over anyway, I still loved her, but things were not just working out. Finding this out destroyed me.

When she got home that night I confronted her about him and the roses. At first she lied about receiving the flowers, then she confirmed it. The guy is a father to one of my oldest sons friends, someone she met through the boys basketball and baseball leagues. She said that they were just friends, that they talk, that he was interested in her for more then friendship. She told me that she was not involved with him in any other way. She could not tell me she was interested in him, but could not say she is not either.

Going through cell phone bills and snooping which made me feel horrible… I found out that she started talking with him A LOT in mid November and I found out that she has been meeting him places WITH MY BOYS. She has been sneaking around to see him for awhile now. She has been lying through her teeth for awhile now.

The day after I confronted her she told me she ‘loved me but was not in love with me’. I have read about that a lot of times here. She already had a place lined up to move to, but kept that hid from me till after I confronted her. She could not move till the day after Xmas. I asked her to move without the kids the day before but she would not. Since I work at home (Internet work) I had no way to escape any of this not even for a minute. I drove myself nuts and got absolutely nothing done work wise. I couldn’t take it. I moved out at the end of that week and stayed at my parents home.

The day after I confronted her about her relationship with this man I called him. I know where he lives, his phone numbers. Enough information to be dangerous if I wanted to be. I asked him what he is doing sending my wife flowers, what kind of relationship they have…”We just talk”. Yeah, ok. I asked him to back off, if he was any kind of man at all he would leave her and my kids alone till everything was final. She is still a married woman whom I am supporting and taking care of. He never backed off.

I have since moved into an apartment and decided to sell the house. Nobody is living there and I can not afford it on my own especially with paying support that I have to do. Its been over a month and im still having a very hard time dealing with this. When I have my kids I have to sit and hear all about this other guy and I have to be nice about it for them. The very first weekend I was out of the house he took them out and from then on they were together all the time. Even though I asked her to show a little respect and keep him away from the kids for awhile, she did not. She see’s what she is doing as nothing wrong.

He is around her and my kids all the time. My sons birthday just came and past. We normally throw a ‘friends’ party for him and his friends which I could not attend (that guy was there and im not ready to be around him yet). His family birthday party was last Wednesday and she arranged it so I could come when he was not there. Her family left that party early when they found out he was going to show up so I know I have their support.

Sunday I took my oldest to his basketball game and she was going to meet me there to pick the kids up after his game. It was my weekend with them. She walked in with him and his two boys. I started getting the shakes and just could not deal with it, so I left. She tried playing the guilt ‘stay for him, don’t let him down’ and all I could say to her was ‘it is you letting him down not me’ turned away and left. No matter how hard I try im just not ready to be around that person. I am so angry at him and her for this and I do not want any trouble. I feel it is really disrespectful to me for her to bringing him into my kids lives like this so soon and while we are still married.

The last several weeks she has started calling me and emailing me on a daily/nightly basis. She wants so bad for us to be ‘best friends’. At first I resisted her and it was really driving her nuts. She could not work, sleep. She could not concentrate on anything. I tried for awhile and we actually got along most of the time. But talking with her hurts me. I just cant be a friend like she wants when she is doing the things she is. That, and some of our conversations she would end up ripping me apart.. She would call back and apologize and then five minutes later the cycle would repeat itself.

Last night after I helped her move some things from the house to her new place for the boys she calls me at 9.15 ‘we have a very upset boy here who misses you and you need to talk to him.’ I spoke to my oldest for awhile, he really misses being with his daddy. I work at home so I was always there when they needed me. It was very hard telling him that things just can not be like that anymore and telling him that really broke me down. He knows I do not want things to be like this but I really have no control over what is going on. It was his bedtime so I told him goodnight, but he couldn’t go to bed yet because her boyfriend showed up after I left and she has yet to feed them.

She called me back after getting them to bed. She had a talk with my oldest and he confronted her on why she has a boyfriend why she is still married. He told her he thought it was wrong. He is only 12. She thought I put him up to it. I never. I do not talk bad about their mom or her boyfriend around my kids. The are good boys and are not stupid, he came up with that all on his own and im proud of him for deciding for himself that what is wrong and what is right and for having the balls to tell her.

After last night I just told her to please do not call me, email me, have any contact with me what so ever unless it concerns my children. She still wants to talk and on occasion hold and sometimes kiss. She still wants to dictate to me what I should be doing with my life, who I should and should not see. She wants to know everything I do and everything I feel. I just can not deal with her anymore.

After all of this I still want to be with her. Just nuts I think.

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Welcome to MB MR.L,

yes you are in the right forum. I am so sorry for all that you are going through and for your kids as well. First of all aquaint yourself with the site. Not just the forum but all of Harley's concepts. Get the books Surviving An Affair and Love Busters. Read WATS Guide for Newly Betrayed Spouses Keep posting. I really admire your DS for saying the truth to your WW. I also do not think you should be her "buddy". What real friend would treat you like she does?

Hi Mr. Locked up,
I am so sorry you are going through this.

It sounds like you are going straight to Plan B before performing a Plan A.

Like faithful follower said, Read up on Harley's concepts of Plan A and Plan B.

Your wife sounds like she is getting her needs met by both you and her o/m.

You are very lucky you have the support of her family.

It is now time to expose. Expose the affair to the light of the day.

Let all see her affair for what it is.

Dirty, decietful and disgusting.

Plan with us at MB board. We can help you devise a exposure plan to help break up the affair.

Her affair is build upon lies and deceit, and will collaspe as soon as the light of day is shown on the affair.

This is what exposure does.

After exposure you need to make yourself as attractive to your ws as possible.

She has already shown that she needs you to fulfeel part of her ENs.

If you can afford it, make an appointment with the Harley's for advice on breaking up this affair and recovering your marriage.


Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak

MrLocked-

I didn't have a chance to read your post, and I have to help my DD14 with something really quick, but I saw that you were new, and I wanted to make sure you got some responses, so I'm bumping you to the top. I'll be back in a bit to read your story.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks for your response. I have actually been lurking here for a few years now. I discovered this site a few years ago when i thought an affair was taking place but never had any real proof. I tried to get her to work with me through information on this site and she wanted nothing to do with it. Why i continued to stay in the marriage is beyond me.

Im not sure how to expose. I work for myself and rarely see people, so i do not know alot of people in this town or people she associates with. Her family for the most part knows almost everything, her own sister is the one who informed me of her boyfriend. She has a few close friends that i know their email addresses, i know her boss, and several people she works with i have been out with (they are my friends too) a few times so most of them are aware. She doesnt seem to care she lies to everyone and seems to be very convincing. Maybe i should email her boss, and any other friends whom i know how to contact. There are alot of them.

At this point i really do not know if i even want to fix things. I mean i do, but i dont. I want my family back together but there is no way i could go back to the life we had before. It was horrible.

Since getting away and discovering her affair i have made SOME acomplishments. I lost over 35lbs and have been trying to take care of me. This is the best i have felt physically in probably 10-11 years. Just all this other BS i cant deal with to well.

Again, thanks

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Okay MrLocked, I got teary reading your post, suffice to say I feel your pain.

Something in your letter struck a familiar chord with me. I believe it was the "Friends" statement, and her wanting to know your every move and control you.

My husband did these same things, and as odd as it would seem.......I think it's a good sign. In my opinion your WW (Wayward Wife) as well as my WH (Wayward Husband)don't view what's going on as a permanent situation. That's why all the best friend and controlling BS. She can't let you go........and why is that? Because she loves you. Because she does NOT have the support of her family. Because she does NOT have the support of your children.

Your wife is, again in my humble opinion, ripe for the Marriage Builders plan. So read up on Plan A and Exposure and impliment them immediately.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

P.S.-I also was separated from my WS during Plan A.

MrLocked-

We must have cross posted, I just read your most recent response......you said the OM has children, correct?? Well I just thought of a nifty little person you could expose to, if he has kids, he must have an ex-wife (or signifigant other)......so, you could try to find info and tell the mother of his children.....my reasoning behind this, and this is how I feel you should approach it.....say "Mrs. ExOM, I just thought you should know that your child/children are being exposed to an extramarital affair, and I just thought you should know so you could make an informed judgement as to whether your children should be around that sort of immoral behavior...." (Maybe she has good morals....Maybe she'll just want a good chance to screw him over with the kids, either way it'd be good pressure on the Affair). Expose to her family anyway. Tell them you realize they know she is having an affair, but make your purpose clear. That you love their daughter/sister and that you want to save your marriage and your family with all your heart. If they are already against it, this will add fuel to the fire.

Do they work together??? If not, I still think that maybe her boss may have influence over her, maybe not, but it could cause waves at her job, and possibly make her the subject of whispers in the break room--also adds pressure to the Affair.

MrLocked, I have a feeling this could go really, really right, I can't explain why I feel this way, or why I'm identifying with your story so much, but I have a good feeling about this, and I think if you play your MB cards right you have an excellent shot.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

Hi Caren,

No they do not work together. He works for himself as I do. He has an ex-wife who lives in another county but i have no clue how to find information out on who she is or how to contact her. I really do not even know this guy. She met him through our sons basketball league.

Her boss and her are close, she is the office manager and is ranked just below him. They are friends. He does not want to get involved because he likes us both. But i do have alot of contacts within her workplace. Alot of their contact was through email at work and her work and cell phone.

What really kills me is the involvement of him and my children so soon. We lived in a rural area and she didnt want our kids to have to change school. So now our oldest gets dropped off at his house after school (i live in town now and cant go pick him up everyday because of work).

Him and his ex-wife have a very strange relationship. Nobody pays support and the kids decide on a nightly bases where they wish to stay. I found out other strange things through wife too but im just not so sure on what to believe from her anymore.

I will devise an exposure plan to further what has already been done. I stopped exposing to friends and family because she caused me so much grief for 'spreading lies' and 'making her seem like a slut' which i did not do. I am an honest person, i do not story telling jus the truth. Its the easiest thing to do.

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Oh, well of course she'll be mad, and say you're saying bad stuff about her....that's what they do.

Okay I don't understand, you said his exW lived out of the country?? Then how do they decided nightly where they'll stay???

-Caren

Sorry, she lives in our neiboring COUNTY. Not country. One county north of where we live. We are in central Ohio.

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MrLocked,

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

I'll tell you my opinion - ...

You need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. You do not have to roll over and let her take the kids away from you. You probably have a good case to win custody. She does not have the right to just take the kids away.

And, of course, she can't be your friend. Friends don't do the things she is doing.

I'm divorced now, so probably you can find another guy who's a winner - who can advise you. Change your thread title - say something like "Men - help me keep my kids". There are some guys here who have done it - and often when a mom loses her kids - her perspective changes. You'll have a good chance of winning her too.

Are you in any kind of church?

You need to have some on-the-ground friends - not just us Internet folk.

Continue with the exposure. That can help.

But seriously, see a lawyer. You will feel much better when you've seen what your possibilities are.

-AD (40-something guy, divorced, with 5-year-old child)

Oh....lol, sorry!!!! So I can't read...lol.

Okay, well I'm in Central Ohio also. Grove City to be precise.

Do some serious snooping.......don't be afraid that she'll be mad at you, you have a right to know what's going on in YOUR marriage.

Okay, well since you live in Franklin County....enter OM's name into this website....it may be enlightening.

It's the Franklin County Clerk of Courts website: http://www.fcmcclerk.com/

Once you're there click Public Access and Records Search, which will bring you to another page where you have to click Public Access again (I don't know why..lol) Then there will be blanks to enter his last name, first name...and other pertinent information. You ONLY need his first and last name....any more than that and it may not pull him up. For instance, I can't pull myself up if I add my middle initial, and I can't pull myself up by social security number.

ANY criminal or civil offenses, including traffic tickets will be on there. (Along with the address at the time of the offense or ticket) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />It should also give you his license plate number, so you know WHICH car is his. Start there. Then we'll tackle the ExWife deal at a later date.

I can probably help you a lot, as I know what to do in Franklin County.

-Caren

Oh, and I agree with AD, you need a more eye catching title for this thread. So just edit the first posts name. "New Here, Need Advice" or something.

-Caren

Im actually in Delaware County. I will take your advice and search public records both in Franklin and Delaware (he has a columbus cell number so i know he works alot there).

I will change the title as well. Thanks for the suggestion.

I am strapped so financially now im not even sure i could afford a custody battle. She does not want to fight me on one thing and already agreed on everything. Up untill recently with this affair she has been a wonderful mother, now it seems the children get pushed just right behind her boyfriend on the priority list and she knows i know this.

You know, Mortarman needs to help you on this, he's GOOD.

I'll give him and others a shout and link them to your thread.

-Caren

Bump

HA! I just located the information on his ex-wife. I found her address, phone number, information on their divorce, etc. I have worked online for over 10 years i cant believe i did not think of this.

Thanks for the help so far..

See!!! Feels good eh??? Yeah, keep digging sweetie, you'll find loads of stuff.

Fun fun fun, lemme know if you need any help from me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-Caren

********Bump************

Ha yeah, I find out enough from my kids of stuff I do not want to know and do not ask for. I could use all the help i can get. I have been dealing with this pretty much by myself since d-day. My parents have been a great help but they are all for me just ditching the marriage and starting over. Part of me is ready to do just that and move on but another part of me does not want to give up. I was so into taking care of my family and miss them so. Just a nightmere.