Well this was a good day till H came and talked to me. Well he didn't really come to see me but came over thinking I wasn't going to be home. I tried to hold my self up. It was kinda a blur. H started off with"Do you still want me to call a chaplin?" I said " Do what you need to do."
H"I am going to start dealing with the money"
BS " If you think that is nessisary."
H"I do."
H"Have you made up your mind on where you going to go?"
BS" Where you want to send me."
H"I will send you to home state."
BS" ok but I am not leaving here without a fight."
H"Why are you doing this?"
BS"Because I belive in this marriage."

It got a bit fuzzy. Things said by H was that he feels tangled by me because we where married for 6.5 years. I don't want get to know the new you late I am seeing. You have been talking to alot of people this week and telling them lies(I replied "Is it a lie that I want to work on me and my marriage?") I just need to be away from you.

In all this was going on I asked H a question. but in all honesty I can't really remember what I said but I do know he did not give a very good reason. I also stated calmly to one of H remarks then start the divorce. Walking out the door I told him I knew all the steps to get me out of here and He should know them to. That statement.

In all this mess I feel this storm I just feel like screaming.

Why are you just giving up or running away?
How can you do this to your kids?
Why can't you see all that you are giving up?
What is wrong with you?
Can you see I am will to only go so far you need to do the rest?
How come in one month you can turn your love off?

I know I don't dare say them for these are major LB's.

I went to legal today and even they notice that I see a chance in this marriage.
I just don't it. This is fencing right? But I am at this point where I feel REALLY scared he might go the other way. and before you say it I know that I can't force him to do anything but it still sucks ok.

I remembered the question and it was about some emails I have been getting from someone that knows and they have not been very nice. I had to ask if just to find out and make it known to him. He wants me to email any more that come to me. I really don't know if I should or not. They aren't the nicest emails. He says he can find someinfo from them.

Well tommorro I have IC so I will feel a little better then. Even now after writting all this down it is making me feel better.

It's the fog, lady. He's not out of it yet and there's a way to go before he's a logical, reasoning, human being there to talk to. He's fixated on one idea and he's clinging to that for all he's worth. When he finds out it's a frail reed, he may try something else. Stay with the Plan A, okay?

Yes in plan A the A has been exposed so I go to second part of plan a right? But he wants to talk about our M and R. I thought I was not surposed to. I am trying to be welcoming but I need ideas I am draining each day a little more. My DD's are doing much better but want to sleep with each night now. I have gone to legal just in case. They are now my legal reps so if he needs legal he must go somewhere else.

I have yet to tell him about me moving the money and I feel like I am lieing to him but not telling him.

I also need your opinion on if I should give him a amount I need each month. Sad to say legal told me as of right now he is not abligated to give me a dime. I looked at the regualtions and it is true. I hate the Army.

My wedding ring fell off yesterday. I have lost wieght in my hands. I still can wear the band and will do so till D papers are signed.

Yes, as I read Dr. Harley's book, Plan A is partially about exposing the affair and breaking it up. The affair hasn't totally died yet. It lives on in your husband's fantasy world, but it looks like it's crumbling fast. The military environment is probably sticking a cold, cruel finger of reality right into the middle of that fantasy. It's dying and what you're doing now is waiting for it to finish its death throes.

I’m not sure how you can implement Plan A and decline to address relationship matters. In fact, it seems to me you should be. Now, you really do not go along with WS’s arguments. Check out the "reverse babble" links and be ready with good answers to the foggy babble. Whenever he says you two need to divorce, you say you only talk about marriage, for instance. Plan A is a period of waiting for the affair to die wherein you avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. Dr. Harley, by the way, does recommend a BS see a doctor and ask for anti-depressant medications, if appropriate. Plan A is a stressful period and such medications can help you get through the worst of it.

It’s a period of introspection for you also. There is nothing on God’s green earth that justifies a person having an affair. The wayward spouse made some self-indulgent, cruel choices to deal with a problem or set of problems by stepping outside the marriage. There is never a time the choice to cheat is acceptable, period. On the other hand, most of the time, a straying spouse IS reacting to, at least, a perceived problem. Plan A does not require that you become a doormat for verbal or any kind of physical abuse, but you can, and should, use it to examine yourself to see if some part of your interaction with your spouse may, repeat, may have contributed to the wayward spouse’s vulnerability. Having identified it, you work to make changes. “Contributed,” by the way, does not mean “caused.” Never let those two words be confused with each other. Again, it’s about choices, and the wayward spouse made those choices.

It’s also a time when you can re-make yourself into a more attractive spouse. That’s not meant to be literal, though the time frame you’ve set aside for Plan A might be a time when you finally start that exercise program or the weight loss plan you just never had the time to implement. It’s for you though. When you feel good about yourself, you are a more attractive person and spouses notice and react accordingly. However, there are other things that a BS can be doing.

You’ve mentioned a part-time job. They want you bad, you said. That’s good. If you are out earning your way, you will again feel much better about yourself. It’s nice to be needed, and it’s nice to give something back too. Working, even as an assistant teacher, can be immensely gratifying. Again, when you feel better about yourself, others feel better about you too. Reconnecting with friends, or making new ones, can also be extremely rewarding. Seeing that new cartoon movie with the kids, or going to see a grown-up movie by yourself, or a close friend, can get you out of the house and provide welcome distraction for a time. Do it. Use the time you set for Plan A to make, or rather, remake yourself into the person you want to be…dare we say, the person the wayward spouse fell in love with?

Mhwag, you relocating the funds does not mean anything except that you have taken a step made necessary by a threat from him. You have two little girls to think of and you can’t take a chance on him being a good husband and father and provide for you as he should. Remember, he’s an alien in this time. He’s not the man you used to know, and will know again. Aliens lie, they deceive, and they cannot be relied upon. I don’t normally agree with keeping secrets, but this time, I think you must. It’s for your daughters.

I don’t understand why you say he doesn’t have to give you a dime. He is required to support you as his dependents. Do you mean he does not have to provide you with an allotment, or something like that?

Melodylane has this link in her signature line. I like to go review Plan A, and Plan B, from time and you may also. Take care, ttyl.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

We are not legally separated so WH is not required to give me anything if he does not want to. This was confirmed by legal. I really don't think he is that heartless but I also feel if I give him a list of my money needs it gives him some power. So I am not going to. I feel this will make him see some more reality. I just got a call from him and he is going to get an Article 15. With rank taken away. He also says with all this he is going to get out and ARD me in June and do a leagal separation. That will be the end of my Plan A so I don't really don't know what to think then. He feels it is a must that he send me away. He also thinks I am happy that he is getting in trouble and that is why he doesn't want to get to know the new me.

I don't know how to do this plan a if he thinks that I am happy all the time. I didn't used to be this happy for a long time. So I bide my time right? I just dread his calls now. And he comes over tommorro to p/u DD's.

Okay, I do not understand the information from legal, but I couldn't find anything online. Perhaps Doxie can use her contacts to shed more light on it.

I wonder if your husband knows how lucky he is only an Article 15 was imposed. They gave him a BIG break and gave him administrative punishment instead of a court martial. In a way, it’s a compliment. They only do it for an E-6 if they think he can be salvaged and is worth the effort they’ll have to go through to do it. Now if he’s real, real smart, he will be the best NCO he can be for the next six months until the PCS comes through. If he does, the commander might even rescind or vacate the punishment, who knows?

He might get out. It’s his decision. My mother used to say some folks would cut off their nose to spite their face. Somehow, that seems to fit. On the other hand, it’s a long time before June. I was planning on getting out two days before I reenlisted the first time. Stuff happens, right?

You’re in Plan A, lady, and Plan A has time limits. Six months is about average according to Surviving An Affair for waiting for Plan A to take hold. It’s about the time an affair dies naturally. Plan A is about you, more than it is about him…kinda sorta. If he complains you are happy he’s in trouble, it’s babble. You reverse babble back to him. “You’re not happy about it, you feel his sadness and you’re sad also.” Then you go on to the next topic.

If you’re happier than you’ve been in the past, you say you regret not being happy back then and wish you had been because you know he likes you feeling that way. You tell him how you’re improving yourself and how it makes you feel like so much better a person. You know he wants you to be the best person you can be so you can love him that much better. (You know him best…these may not be the best lines…you substitute your best, non-judgmental, non-angry, non-disrespectful lines.)

How is he going to do a legal separation? I’m all but certain he has to establish physical residency in some state before he can do that. He might be able to do an advance return of dependents, but you know how to work on that from Doxie. All in all, I think most of this is little more than fog talk. Fog talk is a lot like listening to a petulant three-year-old angry because a favorite toy has been taken away. I’d take everything he says with a huge grain of salt. Most of it is drivel.

I think he is getting tired of hearing me say these lines.
"It's your choice."
"If you think it is necessary."
"I am working on me and my family and my marriage."

WH has told me that he will be very busy starting next week because of punishment, and will not have time to see the girls. I did offer to bring the girls by but he just said no. Well I have to go and work on this job application. Which he now knows I am doing.

There are going to be dark days, there will be days full of frantic activity. He'll be busy? Sounds like the Article 15 includes some "extra duty" provisions.

Let him get tired of the lines. He'll get over it. You don't want to argue with him (though you don't accept inappropriate language and/or abuse) and he'll get the idea after a while.

I'd be excited by the job opportunity. You're working on the marriage by working with kids.

Thank you Longhorn. You and doxie have been a real pleasure to hear from. I got a email from MIL it was long. I basicly said that I should stay away from him because he is in his cave so to speak. I think it is a Mars/Venus thing I haven't read that book yet. I emailed her back stating I have been and I will be he is the one calling and contacting me. Well I better goe get a good nights sleep. I finally get to see the chaplin tommorro and I can't really remember why I needed to see him in the first place.

I think it would still be helpful to talk to the Chaplin. If nothing else, he can give you perspective and you'll have a record that you were trying to seek help in how to save your marriage. He might also be able to give you some financial guidance and help.

Here is the part in the regulation AR 608-99 that pertains to you:


I know it sounds so unfair and it really sucks. I hope he will not leave you and the kids high and dry. Now, if things don't resolve, then you could possibly get more as child support. I am just not familiar with any of this. I do know that you'd probably have to wait until you got back to the states and hire a civilian lawyer. The Army lawyers can only enforce court documents because divorce and child support issues are state not federal issues.

Here is the link to the main Army legal website:
http://www.jagcnet.army.mil/Legal
Check out the section on Family law

Wish I could be more help and had better news.

Okay, that's "Basic Allowance for Housing." I don't recall what II is, but "with" is short for "with dependents rate." A very curious AR. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

His credit rating will suffer a heart attack, of course, if he quits paying bills. If your name isn't on the cards, etc., mhwag, you'll not be nearly as damaged as he is. It reinforces my feeling you were right to reserve the savings for the children.

Yes, once she goes home, establishes residency somewhere, and files for legal separation/divorce, the DoD is required to accept the mandates of the various state courts with respect to support.

Well I talked to the chaplin and I liked him. I feel better to. He suggested that I make an appiontment with the first SGT to have some general questions answered and to put a face on the whole ordeal. I also liked that he said " I the small amount of time I have gooten to know you I see a strong and confident woman. And even if your husband desides to go on his own you will go on to be a better person." I so belive that now.

WH is coming to p/u te girls today. I don't know if he wants me around. I will stay till I here other wise. I am a bit behind on chores. I guess I can keep busy.

It appears that you need to get a written agreement from your WH as to what he is willing to pay each month. If he does not do this then you will need to get a court order for him to pay.

PLEASE read ALL of the legal terms, you are entitled to more than you think.

Best of luck to you!!

I'm glad you went to see the Chaplin.

Ok your help if you please. As I said before I am not "happy" that my WH is getting in trouble at work but that is was his choice to go against an order. What I would like help on is communicating that to him. I don't really know what to say to him when he want to tell me about what is going on. When he came over this afternoon he was like his old self a very little. Talking about his job and I listened with intent. Then when I offered to move his clothes to the dryer he wenton defense and said he could do his own clothes. I am not even sure if I want to be around when he comes back and is around the house with the DD's for a bit. I an on this edge waiting to see if the next thing out of his mouth is to try and hurt me again. I really don't see my husband yet. I hope my DD's are doing ok with him.

There is no easy way for you to communicate that to him right now. Mhwag, I just don't understand why you want to comment on the Article 15 beyond a simple "I'm sorry you're feeling so down." When he talks about what is going on, listen respectfully (as one spouse does another) but unless he asks for something specific, I'd keep the commentary to non-judgmental, non-committal responses. When you do, respond, keep even that impersonal. It’s not…“I wish you hadn’t been having an affair with that woman, got caught, and now you’re getting hit hard.” It’s…“It sure is unfortunate the commander felt he had to do that, honey. I know it hurts but we’ll get by it.”

You DO be there when he comes around to spend time with the girls. He needs to see very clearly that you and your girls are a unit. You three are his family. If he starts seeing you as separate from them, that’s not a good thing.

He will say hurtful things for a long while to come. There will be days with one step forward, one back…sometimes one forward, two back…two forward, one back, etc. The spiteful speech is babble from an alien. Don’t be hurt or even take it seriously. It means nothing. Let it roll off your back and reverse babble him. If you offer to take his clothes out of the dryer (or whatever) and he doesn’t want you to, you just say, “Okay,” very sweetly, smile gently, and go on about your business.

The alien is still with you, lady, and it’ll be there for a while. I’m sure you’ve read the threads out here and Dr. Harley’s book also. It can take up to six months for the affair to die and for the alien to begin recovery. Hang in there for the long haul, mhwag. You’re strong and getting stronger. We can tell it from your posts.

Ok this was a very long day. WH came and p/u DD's took then to a play area and then came back. Everything seemed very normal so to speak. He did his laundry here to. I kept things lite and when it came to the girls sleeping arrangement I told him them were worried that I might not be there sometime. I admitted that it was for benifit also. When he left I took a breath. But I breathed to early. He called and the babble and venom began. I look back on it and laugh because that is the only way I can handle it right now.

The Blah coming out of his mouth is so not him.
I am proud of my self because I feel I articulated very nicely.

I RB when I thought it needed but I talked also. He was there a few seconds. I told him that I did not just learn to talk to him in 6weeks I just found that I could. I loved that line. He still thinks that nothing he has done is his fault and he says his conscience is clear. He also asked me if I wanted and legal separation? I said no I want a marriage. He made no comment. Well I must pat myself on the back. I feel even this wasn't the best day I can hold my head high.

Outstanding! You're doing great.

Of course nothing is his fault. lol In that warm fantasy world, nothing has consequences so how could anything be anyone's fault? haha

I did finally get to tell him about the money I moved to my own checking account and he was not happy. He asked why. I daid I needed to protect my self because I did not know what he was going to do. He said don't you trust me. I just said NO I don't. I couldn't even belive he asked that. He asked for a money account list I told him if he wants to go thru with this he need to do it. He said the that his abilgation to me is only house money. I said I know so just pay it and I guess I will deal with the rest. He was stumped there. He is just not getting it. I have yet to call him but he calls me every day. That is progress. Right?

Well, sounds like a small amount of progress. What do you mean by "money account list?" Is that a list of necessary expenses? Yes, to me, that he feels the need to keep contact is very encouraging.