Hi everyone,

Thanks in advance for reading this. It's beene about two months since DDay, and my husband had told me about his affair, after he ended it. He met her at work (it figures) and had met her outside of work two times, the second time resulting in SF. He says it didn't mean a thing, he did not care for her at all and he ended it the same day they were "together" as he was uncomfortable and guilty the whole time.

I cannot confirm ALL of this, only that she no longer works there and there is NC at this point. Although, about a month after DDay, I found VM messages from her, saying she loves him, etc. Wondering where he was as he was sick at home with me. This is when I found out they even worked together, as he lied over and over again telling me they didn't.

I have never talked to the OW personally, although i did verify with his employer that this person no longer works there. He still is adament that he was not in contact with her at the time she left the messages, in fact she was harrassing him at work and he HAD to go to his employer which he says was hard for him.

Since DDay, he has tried with all his might to be with me at all times, be attentive, loving, caring, etc. I do know he loves me.

Here's my problem. I am SOOOO tired of going back and forth in my decision to stay or leave. I am so hurt, angry and ruined about this whole thing, I feel like I hate him sometimes. Other times, i feel like I can do this...but in the end I just don't see how. I can't believe he would do this to me!

I have recently (and Im sure I was a contributing factor) been offered an opportunity for "revenge". It happens to be someone both hubby and I met one night when we were out playing darts. He was friendly, exciting and seemed to take a liking to hubby.

Well, turns out he really had a liking for me. He had called here but not for hubby, for me. He would like to "meet". I already screwed up and said yes, but that doesn't mean i have to go through with it as I have not yet called him back to make definite plans.

I know it sounds just ridiculous, but I am soo mad that we had made a committment to not share ourselves in that way with ANYONE else when we got married and as far as i know we have both kept our ends of the bargain until November 2005, when hubby strayed. Now, he has had the opportunity to share himself with someone else and I am just supposed to still spend the rest of my life holding up MY end of the committment while he didn't have to?

So I am very intrigued to stray myself. I know this will not help anything, in fact it very well may put an end to our marriage. But I can't help but feel I will never forgive him anyway and maybe that is what i really want.

I also have this stupid thought in my mind that if I do it, I have to forgive him and things will be "even" and we can start a new marriage over. I am soo confused and hurt and I just don't know what to do, where to go, or how to absorb all of this. Any thoughts from you wonderful posters would be greatly appreciated <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good. That's exactly what he's supposed to be doing.


It won't help you one bit. Not one bit. Won't even the playing field, won't make ANYTHING easier. In fact, you'll just be selling your soul. Your choice. What you do will be a measure of your personal integrity.


The answer is YES. But you knew that.

You're not in a unique position here. There are so many of us that have been exactly where you are. This is a journey and there is no short cut. Your job is to continue to do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

You need to discuss the revenge affair "option" with your husband as well as telling him you had a date set up and with whom you were planning on meeting. Lies and deceit will set you up for failure. You can't expect your husband to be honest while you are lying. You are not "entitled" to something just because he screwed up. Yes, it hurts like h3ll. It's traumatic. BUT, it is surmountable. You can be happy and whole again.

I hope you choose marriage and not chaos. You'll be in my prayers.

-Fluke

Also:

Love is an action. Not a feeling. Make sure your love is shown through your actions.

Few of us ever thought we could make it when it all hurt so bad and it seemed so impossible. There is story, after story, after story that will show you that you can make this journey. With your integrity intact and your marriage reconciled.

Be well.