Well, I'm in that 7 month phase and many of you said the same thing... emotions become strong around this time. Anger, sadness, depression, and so on. My IC said it's similar to an aftershock. Not everyone has them but it is certainly not uncommon.

Over the weekend my FWW and I were in San Diego visiting family and I came across a few triggers. Threw me for a loop and sent me into an emotional tailspin. You would have thought it was D-day all over again.

When we got home last night she asked me what was wrong and I told her that I was hurting and started to cry. She held me while I did this but I felt like she was doing it out of duty rather than love. When I looked at her and saw no emotion on her face I had a realization... she wasn't really aware of what I am going through. This made me a little upset. She asked if I was OK, but I felt like she wasn't really asking but rather reading from a script card. I got up and looked at her with no emotion and told her "yes".

She followed me downstairs and we started to talk about the A. The "I'm just hurting" wasn't sinking in. As time went on we talked more and things became a little heated. For 7 months I have been a good boy by following our MC's advise about expressing anger and not letting it become venomous. Problem is that she just didn't get it. She heard my anger in the diluted fashion I was told to give it in but she just didn't get it.

I threw all that MC crap right out the door and turned on the venom to full power. I held no punches (figuratively speaking) and let her have it. To he!! with Plan A [email]bullcr@p.[/email] Time for a different approach that will leave no grey as to how I feel. The guns came out and I fired everything at her.

Honestly, if she would have left me right there I would have helped her pack. I've dealt with this [email]cr@p[/email] long enough. Time to be heard and not taken for granted. Foul language came out like a 16 year-old at his first high school party.

She sat there and listened to all of it. Told her that the betrayal I felt was like no other pain she could imagine. Told her that I'm confused because I love her and yet want revenge on her... want her to hurt so bad that it destroys her. I used graphic language explaining her "sexual" A and how I felt about that. Told her to shutup when she said "I've always loved you from the very depths of my heart." I said that may have been true before the A and now, but I would leave her @ss on the curb if she ever said that again. I said that true love is not expressed by banging another guy or sucking him off. What part of the deep love was I involved with... the splooge towel?

Didn't hold hold anything back. Felt so good to finally say what I TRULY felt... none of this "warm-n-fuzzy" [email]cr@p.[/email] And guess what? She got the point.

That's right, she got the point. Black and white... no grey. So she called me today at work crying how she misses how I used to look at her and think about her. She misses so much and wishes she could go back in time and say "No". Said that she now understands why I am always depressed and moody.

Now, for you new comers I need to explain that this is not something I recommend at all. Go through the MC/IC and try to look forward to tomorrow rather than dwell on yesterday. But I felt like I had been ignored and walked all over long enough. There is a time when you just need to say F_CK YOU!!! My feelings will be heard, and clearly this time, and the results are your decision.

She wants to make me dinner tonight and do whatever I want to do. Wants to start over in a new way and she wants to mention that to the MC/IC tomorrow night.

As for me... if she leaves then she leaves. At least the next W I won't have to look at and think of the betrayal. I do love my FWW so much, but there comes a time when you have to think of yourself and your future. I do not intend to let this happen again and try to stick with the recovery plan that we originally have been doing, but at least when I say that I'm hurting she'll understand what I'm saying.

Wow, wow, hopeful, wow, lol.

I understand the frustration of not feeling like the ws totally gets it, or is making a 100% effort to make it up to you.

I don't know if I could or would ever go off on the ws like you did, but I am glad that it has shaken your spouse up.

I understand also about not knowing if they truly love you. For me, the "I don't love you." speech, so traumatized me, there will always be a part of me that questions if my fws really loves me, or if it is just the guilt and shame talking.

We celebrated our 27th anniversary this last weekend, and I made him a homemade card, and inside it on the left side was a picture of a single rose, and a love quote, stating that easiest way to love someone is to imagine living life without them.

My husband was extremely touched by my little homemade card that declared my love and appreciation for being his wife.
He cuddled with me that night, the first time in a month.

I hope you heal hopeful,

You have stated you will not go through this again, (I know some people here will disagree, but I think that is great). I too, will not go through another affair with my fwh. I won't do it. This is his first and only chance to make it right.

I, like you, can live without my fwh. I love him, but I will not go through this h$ll again with him.

I hope both you and your fww find peace and happiness again,

Wish you all the best,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Hopeful,

I have had a couple of the same encounters with my FWW. ( and NO, it's not the prescribed MB way!) I did a stellar Plan A, and suffered through 4 breaches of NC. Finally, enough is enough. I have posted about this on other threads, and described it as a "come to Jesus" meeting with my W.

Sometimes it is necessary to go to the nearly primal level to finally get to the cold hard reality. I'm glad it worked for you.

I would NOT recommend this to anyone, however, who hasn't made major changes in what they bring to the marriage, ala Plan A, and have done this nearly flawlessly over 3-4 months. What may be an "icebreaker" for some may turn out to be a "dealbreaker" for others. If the "recovery" journey is not in the right place when something like this takes place, it can send a WS right back to an OP, as in Major LoveBuster!

There is no boilerplate procedure that works exactly the same for everyone, and sometimes a spontaneous moment of harsh reality is the bitter pill that starts the cure. I'm happy that this has turned out in a positive way for you.

Best wishes,
SD

Hehehe, Someone who gets the way I feel too. It's hard not doing that right now because I know my WW simply does not get it.

One night I gave her the, we both really need to grow the h3ll up speech but I'm not sure it worked <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

This post made my day. Not something I ever plan on doing, and hope I don't have to, but knowing that someone else out there knows exactly how I feel and said the same stuff I'd like to say is really cool.


Thanks,

FN

Hopeful-

Good for you!!!! I can forsee this happening with me....I have a temper, and I never had gotten to the *mad* stage, I was never really mad at Mark, but I think that I could definitely be pushed there by scenerio such as you described Hopeful.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

I did something similar, but it was right after D-day .... it's gonna come forward no matter how "educated" we become ... it's like a primal scream, ya know?

But, it sure is not pretty, that's for sure.

*sigh*

I also know that day will come for me whether we recover or divorce.

I have yet let him see any anger during all of this but I feel it building up and i know one day I am going to loose it on him....

I sure dread that day but I know i will come...

Hurting

Hope, I’m probably going to be blasted for this, but that’s okay. I’m a big boy.

Frankly, I think the catharsis of finally letting your emotions come out where both you and she can deal with them can be a very valuable moment. I don’t do psycho-speak as a general rule, but even grandma knew that suppressing your emotions was bad. They fester in your mind and when they do come out, the venom is multiplied several times over. I’ll get 2X4s for this, but I think it was good that you got it out. Now your wife understands, with crystal-clear clarity just exactly how her self-indulgent, selfish, choices and acts have hurt you. It needed to be said.

Now…your wife has reacted in a pretty positive way, don’t you think? It seems to me you can build on this with counseling. Now that she has a real good grasp on what she’s done to you, and she’s wanting to bring repenting and reconciling in MC, I see some hope. Got my fingers crossed for you.

Hi Hope4...

Been There, Done That...

I was always concerned about my image with my H. Looking back, it seemed I was Plan A'ing most of my marriage. I wanted to make sure he knew he was loved, respected, and taken care of... We hardly fought, never screamed, shaved my legs everyday, kept my hair done, hid my bad moods, etc <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When I caught on to his 'issues' I went about it traditionally... I cried, read books and websites, printed out material for him, suggested MC.

DDay #2 hit, I unleashed h*ll itself on him. Verbally, then in writing, just to make sure he 'got it'.

He got it. Everything changed after that day.

MC and I have told him that he needs to try to 'get it' on the first few attempts (with much smaller issues, at this point)... that H is teaching me that in order to 'get his attention' I have to blow a gasket. I HATE loosing control like that, and feel really low to actually resort to such measures. I embarrass myself... I can count on one hand the # of times in my life I've blown up like that.

I think the one-time blow-out will not wreck a marriage. Be careful not to push it, though. It's a dangerous weapon. Best of luck to your and your W. Sounds like you've really turned a corner. - Dru

Well like Dr.Harley always says, anger is used to solve a problem. The problem with it is that it rarely works, now in your case it seems to be working, in the future it may backfire who knows. The only thing I would recommend is write your anger out on paper first, read it, then make changes, because most of the time when you write your anger out the first time it really isn't that great of a refleciton of how you feel. Also because I believe it limits the damage angry outburts that are done verbally have on a marriage. Of course though you didn't have that option of writing it this time. Not saying what you did was wrong at all. Just worried though that it might come back to bite you in the [censored] in the future.

You know what? You gotta do what works. And some people just will not "get it" any other way.

I would never recommend that anyone start off this way, but by the gods, if you have tried everything else, and kept taking it up a nothch at a time, and it's obvious that NOTHING is getting through, then you have nothing to lose by telling them how you REALLY feel.

Some folks can stay in lala land forever. It can take one h*ll of a jolt to open their eyes. If that's what it takes, then that's what it takes.
Mulan

Hope - she is far enough away from NC now that she TRULY understands what she has done....this is the most painful time for a FWW...you know what you can do? let her help you now - let her comfort you, hold you - it will help her feel she is making it up to you - that you love her enough to let her hold you...Not plan A - just some tenderness between you both.

Its a turning point for you guys - but still a tough time ahead - for BOTH of you indivisually - while you still get through the range of emotions and she starts to try to dig through the blame she is starting to shoulder and the guilt that is weighing on her soul...

The same thing happened with us. My H completely lost it about 3 months in. (I'm the FWW).

It opened a lot of floodgates and moved us further along in our recovery. The FWS is WAITING for this.

It sounds ridiculous but I think it's part of a good recovery. I still stand by Plan A though.

Update:

We spent a couple of hours talking last night. Very productive. Had dinner and held each other afterwards. It was very nice. We cleared up a few things that had some misunderstanding. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that while I am huge advocator of plan A tactics (I know you are all shocked to hear that about me...)
to keep communication open...

there is a time a place for down and dirty truth....

I love the dixie chicks line...

Y0U DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THE TRUTH COMING FROM MY MOUTH..

WELL BABY THAT MIGHT BE TRUE....

I think these type of interaction are very very good...the longer a BS can hold it together with other good espisodes..then these type of interactions have much greater impact...and sink in deeper...for the WS is able to really hear and see the pain....and begin to own it...

too early in the affair they expect it and withdrawal and use it against the BS\...on less chaotic ground it can shake them to the core..
that this ****** is for-real....

and for real it is...

ARK

Showing the BS's depth of complete despair and eviscerating pain to the WS IS part of a completely honest recovery.

Plan A is NOT part of recovery, however. Recovery is recovery --- Plan A is time-limited behavior intended to demonstrate why the WS ought to re-consider returning to the M. Recovery is when there are honestly painful discussions about who brings what crap to the marriage, and extinguishing said crap.

You are so smart peppy...
and dead spot on....

ARK^^

I did not 'figure this out' with my widdle brain ....

noooooooooooo

I experienced it first hand

and THAT is the sort of learning one never forgets!

Miss Arkie-Sparkie