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Post deleted by hurtingterribly
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Sorry this has happened. Stay in Plan A. One of the parts of Plan A is exposing the affair. Have you done that? Is she married too?
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I'll leave the advice to the experienced ones since I'm floundering in the dark myself right now.
I just want to say we have all been there and know how badly it hurts. I am so sorry you are going through this. One thing I can tell you is NOTHING is etched in stone. No matter what he tells you right now and however convincing he is, do not take it literally. It will change and change again. He is just as confused as you are right now. Don't make any hasty decisions or jump to any long term solutions.
Good luck and keep posting here. We have found it's about the only thing that helps and heals us one way or another.
S.
Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.
Hang in there, he is showing promise when he admitts to hating you being nice to him, (his conscience and guilt is kicking in)
Just don't take things personally right now.
His thinking is confused and mixed up and it is hard for him to understand that the feelings he is feeling are mostly chemicals produced by the thrill of the affair. They are not based on truth, honesty and commitment.
He is viewing this affair as something that is meant to be, or (puke, True love).
His fantasy will soon be over when the realities of the affair come crashing down upon his head.
You will be there to expose, attract and show him the way back home.
Hang in there.
We all look for quick fixes, and honey, there just isn't any.
You have to do what most of us bs had to do.
Work the Plan A "the carrot" and "the stick".
After Plan A has been succesfully done, you can think about going to Plan B.
Sending you hugs, strength, and love.
K.D.'s Heartbreak
In the end, I have nothing to lose but everything to gain, by trying to save my marriage.
Me, betrayed wife 46
Former Wandering Husband, 51 E/A 2005
28 years of marriage
DD 26, DS 24
O/W aka, Rat 29, A-D Assisted Living
Discovery 8-20-05 Recovery ongoing.
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HT -
So sorry about the A.....we can understand your pain and suffering right now. It is like no other pain you have gone through --- Believer is right, there is a plan for you here - stay in Plan A. It will be hard, but we will help you through it.
It is so hard to imagine how someone you trusted to be there always can do something like this.
Have you read everything you can here on the site? Have you figured out what his emotional needs are?
Kim
D-Day May 14th, 2005
Married 16 Years
DS age 8
6 months Plan A
Plan B 10-11-05, H moved back in June 2007, Very False Recovery.
2nd Day-Day 7/7/08 Kicked WH Out.
Plan B for my sanity
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." Robert Brault
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stay sane...kids need one sane parent...
you need your wits about you to stay afloat.
all's not lost.
and you would NOT be the first woman who's hubby had a fling with an underling/coworker.
my sis's H had one w/his first assist in surgery.
they're healed now wonderfully. two years post recovery.
awesome family and happier than ever. and affair proof now!
me:37 BS; s:7;
xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Hurting, he admitted it, that's a step in the right direction, I had to practically smack my WH over the head with the evidence.....and then he didn't really admit it, he just stopped lying about it. He liked to say "We didn't start *seeing* each other until after you'd moved out" Okay, well *seeing* must translate into sex, they didn't have SF until I had moved out. Well BIG HAIRY DEAL, you were still married you a-hole. I guess, that unbeknownst to me, moving out makes the marriage contract null and void, even if it's at the insistance of the WS.
Well I'm in Plan B now, and hmmmmm he hasn't gone to his lawyer(even though the retainer has been paid for MONTHS), he could've gone on his day off Thursday, is he having 2nd thoughts.......h3ll yes he is. He is calling and trying to get me to talk to him DAILY....asking me out to dinner...etc. (All via my daughter).
Good Luck and God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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So once again score one for marriagebuilder folks being right. He came home last week and said he wanted to work things out. Today he admitted the affair-he said 3 months-I cracked his secret email code and it's been since the end of August. I just am so over the edge right now. HELP me please. I am going to die of pain. How could he do this to me? It is the secretary BTW. I was right. He left and went to a hotel-said he couldn't face me. He wants a divorce. He said he tried to be committed to us and make things work but he just can't stand me being so nice to him. I did get him to read the surviving an affair in the HSHN book and the first chapter of divorce busting. He said they made since but he won't give her up. I did get him to say he would do a counseling session with Dr. Harley. That's Thursday AM. I want to hurt him. How could he do this to my babies. I got xanax from my doctor so it's taken the emotional edge off, but these emails are killing me. ok, when you calm down come back here and we will help you bust up this affair if you want to save this marriage. Right now you need your wits about you because you have a huge problem that has to be handled. So, get it cried out, do a tough workout and come back here when you are ready to get to work. Your marriage is by no means over if you are ready to fight for it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm hardly an expert at this, but I do know enough to advise you to try to take some deep breaths...calm down and please don't let him see you freaking out...they use the 'freak out' reaction from you to justify staying away and as hard as it is...being calm and understanding gets through to the WS much better than letting them see the hysterical you that is inside.
Please keep posting here and follow the wonderful advice you will get...buy His Needs, Her Needs tomorrow and really absorb what it says...you want him to remember why he married you and why you are the one he chose for life...if you are freaking, she will just use that to convince him that you are not the one that can make him happy.
Just calm down and know that you don't have to fix this in the next moment...you have the advantage of being the one that is raising his children and you have the history with him that she could never replace.
Deep breaths hun...it'll be ok...
sorry, I read back and saw that you already have HNHN, he read it..that's a good thing, you'd be surprised what they absorb even if you don't think they do...she can't compete with the history and life you have built with him...forcing yourself to calm down will benefit you as well as your marriage...it'll be ok...
Last edited by this_hrts1000xa0; 01/24/06 10:34 PM.
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Oh, and do not let him know you have the password to his email...it will just make him change the password which you may need in the future, and give him more reason in his foggy brain to go to her...calm and easy...you can freak out here or in private, but do not let him see it...
Me - BS 44
Him - WS 45
3 month A..admitted to PA after 5 months of denial
D-day 12/25/05 .. Merry Christmas to me
Married 24 years
1 DS - 21
1 DD - 19
Recovering nicely
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Post deleted by hurtingterribly
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Post deleted by hurtingterribly
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I tried to logic him into it wrong move logic can't cut through the fog
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Or do I cut my losses and get the heck out while I can still see straight? sloooooooooow doooooooooown you need not make any decisions for long term at this time you need to develop a PLAN and you are going to have Harleys' help developing YOUR PLAN when you get your PLAN straight [color:"red"]stick to it like a life preserver [/color]
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It must hurt terribly. But it will get better. Please try to be calm whenever you can. Remember God is on your side.
I think I know how it is. I'm sure that over time the stress level will come down. It will still hurt, but you will be able to sleep, and not think about it constantly.
I think you love him and want your M to work. Find ways to show him that you love him. Talk is cheap, and logic won't work. This is about the heart not the mind. Show him, Show him, Show him. Touch his heart.
That's hard to do when you are confused and stressed, but please do your very best. He will look at you funny, and wonder what's going on. But I think if you can do that, it will give you a good chance to succeed.
Thinking of you.
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