Rage is a typical emotion for a BS at around 6-8 months into recovery (typically) Just be ready for it when it hits and remember it will pass. I'm almost at that mark soon (6 months in March). I have already had some rage but it passed. I don't pretend I'm there yet.

So I've got rage headed my way in 6-8 months? It can be no worse than the rage I felt on dday. If it gets any worse my eyeballs will pop out of their sockets.

Todd,

Thay don't call it a roller coaster ride for nothing.

Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint.

ToddAC,

Yes you probably do have something to look forward to and you are more than strong enough to deal with it when you have to.

BTW, I forgot to mention, I have no physical problems like you have experienced and I am pretty strong. While I have never had to lift a 50 lb bag of deer food (no need as of yet), I have had to lift 50 lb bags of fertilizer out of a trunk and it is not easy even for me. I can lift 50 lb dumbells with no problem. Maybe it is the size of the bag, Don't know. I just know it is HARD!

Calling the OM, exposing to his side (friends/family), NC call..... fine. No SF, that's ok also. Why? Because she owes you STD testing with results B4 you should consider it.

Best you show that you have values and if you allow her back it is because you allowed her not by her good merit. She needs to earn your trust back not visa versa.

Btw, NC calls can be false. Expect a few slip ups.

How else is she meeting YOUR needs. Do you really know what YOUR needs are?


JMHO,
L.

I had already posted my story here earlier. Long story short - yes she infected me well before D-day. Too late. HPV so it is mine for life. It just never occurred to her that it could happen since the OM is such a prince and perfect person. He couldn't possibly ever have a thing like an STD - much less infect her without telling her about it - because his intentions were so honorable.

Yes this is her fourth (or fifth? I forget...) relapse. I do not believe she meant what she said. I do think it had an impact on her to hear the words come out of her own mouth. Do I think it is over? Not on your life. One step at a time.

I have not thought about my needs in quite a while. Kids are top priority.

"...get right back here for more metacarpal rearrangement from all of you of my gluteal region."

I'll be happy to oblige but, how do I do that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ouch. Something to remember the affair by?



I may be the only one here who thinks this, but I think this is a bad idea...for your wife, your marriage and your daughters. If your marriage survives WW's infidelity, what would you gain from this other than revenge? Try to release your anger in a more productive way. Revenge has no real place in a recovering marriage.

Also, don't put too large a portion of blame for the A on the OM. I initially blamed the OW as much, if not more than my FWH. I was off the mark. It frankly didn't matter that she knew he was married or that he didn't want to end his marriage. She ultimately owed me nothing more than she owed anyother person on the street. SHe never made any promises or committment to ME. My FWH, on the other hand, owned me the fidelity and committment he vowed to provide when he CHOSE to marry me. In an A, both the WS and the OP are at fault, but IMHO, the big rose goes to the WS.

I have come, over time to realize that FWH and OW lied to each other from the very beginning of their relationship. Big surprise, an affair built on lies! They betrayed each other as much as he betrayed me.

Who

Me telling the daughters about mom's affair will only happen if the marriage does not survive. I had a chat with my WW and I was explaining to her all the consequences of her abandoning her daughters. That was one of them. No revenge intended. I just think that some day they will have the right to know the truth about why mom left. I think you may have read that out of context to draw the conclusion you did.

I don't blame the OM for the A - I blame him for the HPV. Nobody twisted my WW's arm to have the A. She carries that load herself.

lealas,

You are already doing a fair job. If you want to leave a bruise, you will need a Saudi visa. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree that you should tell your daughters if she leaves for the OM. It was her decision to forsake her marriage and children. There is no reason why you should be the fall guy for her actions. Plus it is a good motivator for her to stay put. FWIW, there are good signs here and I believe she will stay. Eventually, what she had done will sink in and you will need to be there to pick up the pieces.

I think I read the phrase "sex is not just sex for a woman" at least 3 times in this thread.

pulease...

Yeah, maybe that's true for some women but it can also be true for some men. It was very hard for me to make love to my wife, the ONLY woman I'd made love to for 13 years, after she slept with another man. In fact, I hate to say it, but the first time we "made love" after finding out about OM, it definitely didn't seem like making love to me, it was more like having sex with a stranger almost.

If the roles were reversed and the poster was a WH who was refusing NC, would you all be telling the betrayed wife she should not have turned him down for sf when he requested it? or is that different...somehow?

This brings up an interesting point I was thinking about last night. After my W comes out of the fog and we really start working on this, one of the first things I'm going to need her to do is get blood work done and be tested for STD's and HIV. We've had sex twice since the physical part of her A, but this was before I knew of it. We have not since, and it's not for my lack of trying, I just know that now's not the appropriate time so I haven't pushed it.

Has anyone else asked this of their WS?


FN

Definitely get her and yourself tested! Bad thing is the waiting part for HIV tests <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I completely agree with Orchid. Not only because of STD (which is a little too late in your case), but SF should not be turned on like a switch because the spouse wants it. If you are not emotionally into SF at that time then it is not a good choice.

I turned my FWW down a few times at first because all I could do was picture her with him. Wondering if she made those same sounds, wondering if her breath was short and quick at that certain moment, and so on. Not the exact turn on to get me in the mood. Besides, me not having SF with my FWW also made an impact for her as to how much it really hurt.

SF is not a tool just because the spouse says I'm in the mood... it's a shared moment. Turning her down for SF is fine if your heart is not into at that moment. If she can't understand that then she's pretty shallow.

traicionado,

No visa, so no bruise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

eldente,

I absolutely agree. When my WW first came back, we avoided SF for maybe 4 weeks (maybe more - can't remember). Part was because I felt the love had been violated, part was for fear of STD (who was I kidding?), part was the "can't have your cake and eat it too" philosophy.

After we did move to SF, it was definitely physical. There was no love for me. It stayed physical for months. Even now (5 mo after D-day), it is still physical but it is intimate (and fantastic). It is like having sex without someone while dating but not in love. I adopted the mindset that I was "dating" my wife. Partly to see if she was the person I would want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Taking on that attitude helped me tremendously. It is all in the way you look at it. That was the way I needed to look at it.

Sex or no sex is a personal choice and, for me, it was difficult to want to do it initially. I will say that, IMO, if you withold sex in order to "teach her a lesson" or to try to manipulate her feelings or actions, that is a mistake. Just make your choice for a "better" reason than that.

Another thing I had in my favor is that my WW is Latin and they all grow up with the belief that the wife is "la mujer del esposo". Roughly translated: she is my woman. Not too women's libbish but I didn't raise her - just the way she is. Don't blame me. Latin wives are not introduced as "my wife" - they are introduced as "my woman". For me to refuse sex with her would be a sign of weakness in her eyes and she would not respect me.

Hopeful,

My WW was not a virgin when I married her. I know it is not the same thing but she has been with others besides me. Mental images are a killer. Those thoughts you mention are serious triggers. Thankfully they have faded although I am sure I will hit a trigger somewhere in the future. I feel like I am walking through a minefield (and yes I have actually done that in Kuwait so know what it feels like).

ToddAC,

Thanks for the encouragement. I was in bed thinking about things a few minutes ago. I used to have cats when I was young. Sometimes when they got into something like paint, syrup or whatever, it was necessary to give the cat a bath. I am not talking about a cat that has been bathed since a kitten. I am talking about a cat that is deathly afraid of water and never been bathed in its life. Have you ever tried to give a cat like that a bath in a bathtub? I have on three occasions before kevlar was invented. The best description I can think of for my WW going to the OM is like trying to put a cat in a bathtub.

I could be wrong but, so far, I see claw marks on every doorframe.