"We both felt we had found the one from your first post? YES"

You might want to examine the belief that there is a "one" for you. That belief means that when you find someone else, better suited to your expectations, then they become the one that you found.

"I know that my addiction to the fantasy and the excitement derived clouded my thinking like a drug and exposed my loved ones to an ugly side of myself that I had little control over." Examine your addiction to the fantasy...there's more underneath there. Examine why you became addicted to the fantasy...how did it feed you? What did it give you? That it exposed your loved ones was a consequence of the addiction, not a reason for it.

You can get there. I'm not judging.

Your wife said, "I feel we're getting along together better because I've been working more." I didn't get that before. I thought you were saying you felt you two had been getting along better AND that she was coming home later.

What do you believe?

Love Busters will help you greatly. Essential to Plan A as anything else.

You questioned the hear it and repeat it back. Do you understand what communication is? Active listening? Validating someone's feelings, thoughts and opinions?

Good awareness that only you can setback Plan A. And live to tell about it. And continue.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"How do I make myself understood when she tells me I am playing games with her? (which I am most certainly not)"

You can't make yourself understood. That's the key to "First, understand, then be understood." You are reacting to her perception, opinion, not fact. You are not playing games. Her perception and opinion will change because you are not doing what she perceives. Time is the truth teller, not people.

On the try is to lie...yeah, it's harsh. I cringed when I first heard it. I was full of trying, believe me. I'm just repeating. However, it is true. Yes, owning what you are doing is bringing reality into yourself, because we're full of wishful stuff, perceptions and "try" to make our own reality. Own your actions. No trying. Like saying you're trying to breathe...well, you wouldn't be here to say that if you didn't actually breathe, right?

"By slapped down I meant that I get accused of doing these things, which she has noted before as sweet and makes her happy, as a game I am playing." Oh, AH, here is my fundamental message for you. She cannot slap you down unless you allow that...believe it...she can't make you mad, sad, tormented or angry. You do that. You have feelings. They are yours. Basing your beliefs on what she does and says is tearing you apart. You are a seperate individual, and Plan A means you choose your words, actions and perceptions. You know where you end and she begins.

Not knowing means you're enmeshed with each other. This is as common as a cold. I believe most marriages disintegrate because of this very thing.

Try this on, "I feel slapped down when she accuses me of not being authentic in my actions." Yes, you feel slapped, but she isn't slapping. She is giving you a disrespectful judgment (DJ) in the way she is saying it. Try this on...

She says, "I don't trust your changes. I fear you are playing games with me." That slap? No. DJs are abusive...slap, stab and assault. Truth doesn't. Her truth is that what you're doing, being authentically present and mindful, feels so foreign to her. Time will give her proof. You aren't doing it to change her mind; you're doing it to be a kick-a&& human being.

".....As a note I agree with you that I have alot of internal conflict from the past. I am not sure if it i childhood or what but whatever it stems from I wish terribly to resolve them so My family can survive this storm..." Awareness is key. Great admission. What are you going to do to resolve?

"I am acting lovingly because I am struggling with the anger I have inside myself. I feel like I am grasping and can't control my emotions at times due to fear of losing my wife." I hear you saying that you are acting lovingly because if you don't, you fear you'll lose your wife and this angers you?

I need a little more clarity.

"....I have not posted as often because of taking care of business at home and not knowing how to say what I want to say. I sit sometimes and type and type and wind up deleting due to frustration. I AM working on this Plan A although clumsy as I may seem at it. I am!" Good to know. Give yourself permission to spew, slobber and litter your posts with as much of your truth as you can handle. There is no judgment here. I thoroughly believe in your Plan A and I am not disapproving or disbelieving you. I take what you say as fact. You may hear disapproval when you are urged by others, but they aren't doing it. This is one of those issues that goes back to childhood.

I felt rejection where there wasn't. You're not alone. Aligning your beliefs will help you to see what is constructive and what is true disapproval. This will help tremendously with your wife. They are called filters and we all have them. We often feel what we expect to feel, hear what we expect to hear, when neither is reasonable or real.

You left for your best friends' house not because your wife told you to go, but because you choose to do so. Remember that. You could have chosen to stay. That's your boundary and you can enforce it in Plan A. I believe you wanted to leave. That's okay, too. Just own it, 'k?

As for reading time apart...don't read. Don't know. Often WS will say the complete opposite things from pre-A. They just will. I was like that. I had to be completely different, want different things, say them, do them...in order to live with myself, my guilt and shame, justifying my addiction. I shoved it down and made no logical sense. She may feel relief at less contact with you--because of HER icky emotions. Let me know how you feel about the long work hours.

Happy to be here for you. Tough love is true love, toots. And all that came before in my marriage, the depths of pain, were all worth it to me to get here. It took a rough road because I was a tough case. Don't despair.

LA

I am certainly no expert, so do not have much advice to give.

Weekends are slow here, so not many responses is not personal. Keep posting.

I think your best bet is to keep showing love for your wife and your changing ways until you feel it is time to go to Plan B. A very good Plan A followed by Plan B is what is advised here. Also, are you on any meds for anxiety at this time ? They will usually allow you to think more clearly at the time when it is most critical for you to do so..

My best to you. I do hope your wife soon sees the "new you".

Carnation

You questioned the hear it and repeat it back. Do you understand what communication is? Active listening? Validating someone's feelings, thoughts and opinions?

I wasn't questioning the repeating back I was questioning what you meant by "this isn't reality just what she feels." I understand the perception vs reality is the repeat the statement meant to break down the perception as she hears how unrealistic it is??

That it exposed your loved ones was a consequence of the addiction, not a reason for it. I evidently made it sound as if I was saying it was a reason. I definitely did not mean that... I was attempting to take responsibility for the damage of the addiction not place blame.

I hear you saying that you are acting lovingly because if you don't, you fear you'll lose your wife and this angers you? I do need to clarify here... "Acting lovingly" sounds disengenuous I am sure... What I mean is my loving actions are increasing to compensate for hte lack in the past to do so. Now let me say here that I was always a thoughtful spouse. Although the negatives evidently overshadowed the positive. My Wife and I had this discussion as well recently. My question to her was.."Is there no good in what you see in me?" her response was "yes but it is clouded by the negative. For Christ sake you wanted me to have sex with other men!!"

You left for your best friends' house not because your wife told you to go, but because you choose to do so. Remember that. You could have chosen to stay. That's your boundary and you can enforce it in Plan A. I believe you wanted to leave. That's okay, too. Just own it, 'k?

I know you say it was because I wanted to... Not really. My response when she asked was no I have things to get done around the house. Anger exploded and I was asked again and given the reason she offered..."You know how stressed I get when you two are together because you don't like her... I already have enough stress don't make it so I can't move my neck! You need to go to your fiends in Atlanta... I fugured that would make you happy!" However as I type this I realize instead of making her stress less by going I really was attempting to make myself look better by following her wishes. By making her happy I left I would somehow make her love me more and hope she realizes my sacrifice to make her so... Am I close??

Often WS will say the complete opposite things from pre-A.
This leads me into a question you had earlier about how I felt about her working later... Well she sell life insurance and is very good. Her business as of late suffered a setback due to a major cancelation of policies from one client. That has made her extra diligent to work to make the numbers back. Now I do have the tinge of suspicion to the point that I am reduced to feeling distress and jealousy (which I am not used to and know she dispises). I have felt that she may be in an A and I ahve asked earlier on and she looked me in the eyes and said NO. But long hours and not coming home Valentines day(also our 9 yr anniversary of our first laying eyes on each other)until 1am have stretched my resolve and has intensified my fears. New years eve alone and a Birthday that I would rather not remember all in the last 2 months is just about to get to me. I know all of this sounds like silly sissy guy blubber and that is how I am feeling and fear I am projecting. I know also that it is all about me me me but I have noone to talk to about me so be nice. Also the long hours are more a problem to me because of our son not as much me. I am having a problem understanding the concept. Sometimes I think she may be just giving me as much time with my son as possible because she knows I won't see him as often later due to a possible split. And then the A thing could be a possibility as well but I choose to lean towards her being so stressed and overwhelmed at work that she is just trying to make it work there when it doesnt seem to be working at home.

What do you mean by Pre A statement exactly?

I am having a hard time this weekend being away from our son. And truthfully wondering what kind of talking about the situation is taking place. I just wish I knew what to expect. I don't want to be caught off gaurd and then have to leave... Let me correct that... I WONT be caught off gaurd... But I feel one minute there is no way she would leave me then I feel the next second that that is what her plan is.

I feel that she is having trouble making hte move or she doesn't want to be the one to make the move. You know??

Carnation, I have not taken any medication but I feel I may need some soon. My emotions are so scattered it gets hard to control. I have learned through my minister that I should respond rather than react and have made advances in that by leaps and bounds... However it just adds to the frustration when the response isnt welcome and isnt acknowledged as a change in tact. EGG SHELLS, EGG SHELLS, EGG SHELLS.

I feel my Plan A is being contrued as games and a quick fix to get her to change her mind...

LovingAnyway made it plain to make the Plan A a path to being a "better person" not necessarily to get her back.
I understand that. Just gets hard to hear nothing back when I say "I Love You". That is the hardest part... Even the aggravation I sense when I do say it on the phone. Should I not say it so as to not aggravate her?? I say not.. I say I should say it when I mean it!! Right??

Can you tell I just got a call while typing this so I could talk to my son? I say I Love Yall and she just stammers ok bye.... Sorry for the frustrating way I am writing all of a sudden.

AH,

Great to see you back so soon. I'm reading what you quoted of me and I sound really harsh. ::: That's about me, not you.

"I understand the perception vs reality is the repeat the statement meant to break down the perception as she hears how unrealistic it is??"

Meant to break down the perception? Now I'm not getting it. Being two individuals, with two seperate perceptions, I'm not advising breaking down anything. When I hear you and repeat, you get to read yourself twice. Audible communication, even moreso, is worth a second hearing, as clearly as we can do it. That's just the first part of communication. The next step, once you get a handle on listen and repeat, is after the communication builds, becomes safer, you eventually begin to say back what you heard, not repeat. You share your filter with her and vice versa. Just a first step, this listen and repeat.

Not how unrealistic it is, but ownership. When you repeat back, you're verifying that those are the words she intended to use, which mean what she wants them to mean. Handing them back gives you both a way to be sure of what is said outside your filters. Also benefits the speaker that she is being heard. Helps to quiet the noise in the listeners head, too, with just listening to the statements and repeating...not blocking, mapping, interpreting and thinking of responses.

I don't want to lose this thread of you understanding your addiction. I get that you are owning your past thoughts and actions...that you did them. You have remorse. That's a big step, but there's no protection in them. Just as when a WS owns the devastation of an A, if they can't say why and what is different now, then how will a BS know it won't happen again?

"Acting lovingly" sounds disengenuous I am sure... What I mean is my loving actions are increasing to compensate for hte lack in the past to do so. Now let me say here that I was always a thoughtful spouse. Although the negatives evidently overshadowed the positive. My Wife and I had this discussion as well recently. My question to her was.."Is there no good in what you see in me?" her response was "yes but it is clouded by the negative. For Christ sake you wanted me to have sex with other men!!"

I hear you saying that your loving acts now are in part motivated by your need for redemption for the lack previously. I felt Plan A was redemption, too, and not just a temporary plan. Good to know you were thoughtful and that you see your fantasies as the main part of creating an unsafe environment within the marriage. Good to know that your wife has a scorecard to evaluate by.

I will hold you to getting to the core of the why as very important.

"I know you say it was because I wanted to... Not really."

I said I believe you wanted to, not that you did. My opinion. I wanted to show you your choices clearly.

Her reasons for you leaving was a perfect opportunity for the repeat back..."I hear you saying that I will add to your stress. That you are feeling a lot of stress and fear your neck will seize up." See, you're a new man and may very well not add any stress. You might have shown her how different you are with her cousin. She still might have stressed out waiting for something to go awry, though. That's her, not you. When you left, a good I statement could be "My desire isn't to leave you this weekend. I am going to show you my love and consideration for you. I am happy here with you. I want to honor you and our marriage."

You got afterwards the belief you had that doing as she wished would net you a bigger gain. That's terrific. We bury these things in ourselves and call them other stuff.

Sacrfice...arrrggh. Read up on that one. This is a downfall in marriage. Sacrifice builds resentment. Look to your motivations for what you're doing. Take pride in what you choose to do as a reflection of who you are and not what those actions might get ya.

"I am reduced to feeling distress and jealousy" Understandable, AH. Distress comes from distrust...but jealousy is something about you, not her. Think on that one a lot.

You guys normally celebrate the anniversary of laying eyes on one another? We do, too! I like that. We just had our 17th marriage anniversary on V Day. Prepare your mind to know that all occasions during this time don't count. Your expectation is getting to you. You're wanting her to be different and meet your expectation. Gather evidence for a current A, if you need to and expose. That's part of Plan A. Do not allow your imagination to bomb your Plan A.

"I know all of this sounds like silly sissy guy blubber and that is how I am feeling and fear I am projecting. I know also that it is all about me me me but I have noone to talk to about me so be nice." First, none of what you write sounds like silly sissy guy blubber. Not at all. You sound like a human being in a traumatic situation, who values symbolism as much as I do. And yes, it is all about you. How could it not be? You're here. You're posting. I'm listening. Telling me to be nice isn't nice. Telling me "When I read your posts I feel attacked" is solid information.

I believe the long hours are part of running away for your W and possible A. Don't jump to mindreading about time with son now because of less later. She can't face her son, either, necessarily. He is a part of you. She isn't being who she believes she really is right now and looking into an innocent face can be stressful.

Pre-A statements...well, I consider the night she didn't come home until 6am to be an A, even a ONS. My belief, not truth. I know that her wanting more time with you, attention and conversation before the move and now, relishing not having it, is a sign. I do believe she's in a fog...an inner turmoil fog with a lot to straighten out in beliefs.

I do know that you won't be caught off guard if you don't expect anything. Sounds reversed, doesn't it? The less you worry, plan out what might or might not happen, the less off guard you are. I do understand your intuition that she would want you to be the bad guy and leave. You don't have to--your choice. "I want our marriage and am staying in it." She would have to be the one to leave you with your son.

I believe you're supportive, intelligent, fearful and in pain. All human. You're attempting a hero's journey and this isn't what you have done previously in your life. This is very difficult. I was there--I know it. You can do this. Breathe...deep breaths and a lot of them. Know that you're more than you ever imagined you were before.

Fathers and sons...very special bond. Have you read "Between Parent and Child"? I wish my sons were little again and that I had that book.

In my prayers and thoughts,

LA

ashamedH,

Let me show you how to use a little concept that works like magic. I use it continually with my wife and in my professional life. It works so well at work, that I sometimes come home and tell my wife and we both get another chuckle out of this interesting but PROFOUND and EFFECTIVE solution to a person that is arguing with you..
It is so simple that you will wonder why you never thought of it yourself. It also takes all the pressure off of what to say because it is usually the same answer.


HERE IT IS...

AGREE with her on HER views of the situation... Just agree with HER point of view and then SHUT UP. You will find it fascinating that when you agree with the other person, they will suddenly turn around and soften their stance or reverse their original position in a 180.

Let me give you a couple of examples...

Sometimes, I will be talking about a subject (any subject) and I will suddenly realize that I WAS doing most of the talking about the subject and not only that, but that I was sounding like a big "know it all" regarding the issue and had suddenly gone off on my "preaching" about whatever subject we are talking about.

This is when the "agree concept" works and comes into play... Once I realize that I am doing this, I stop and say to my wonderful wife... "Oh honey, there I go again. I am just being a big know it all again. I am such a big blow hard. I sometimes get sick just listening to myself when I go on and on and on about an issue."

I then shut up....

My wife will almost ALWAYS, pause, touch me, smile and suddenly say to me.. "Yes you are honey, but your are MY know it all and I love that part about you."

She feels heard, she feels secure and she loves it that I admit it BEFORE SHE HAS TO SAY IT. She JUMPS ON MY SIDE WHEN I do this..


This also works in almost any other human relationship.
People I do work with will call me and start to "jump" on me about how our company failed on servicing them. You know what I say and do that works? yep, you got it .. I AGREE..

I say to them, "You are right, we did fail. I am sorry and I don't blame you. I WILL handle it and get back to you."

They almost ALWAYS respond the same way my wife does. Suddenly they back off and say things like... "Well, I'm sorry for being angry and chewing into you like that, but we really needed to get this done".

I then AGREE with THAT statement. "I don't blame you for getting angry and I would have felt the same way. It's ok that you were mad. I will handle it"

Get the picture?

Here are a couple of examples that WILL work on your wife....

When your wife said "maybe it would be best to have some space"...

Simple and effective answer.... "You are right honey, maybe it would be best. Then SHUT UP. Just shut up and leave it lie. You will be amazed how good it works.


When she told you that she wanted you to move out while her cousin came because you don't get along with her cousin.

YOU SHOULD HAVE AGREED...

"Ok, honey. That probably is a good idea. I know I cause you stress because it does seem like I don't get along with your cousin. I know I am a big know it all and blow hard sometimes. I think I will go to Atlanta while she is here. I could get in some golf and relaxation while you two are spending some time together without the stress of your cousin and I ruining all of our time together.

THEN SHUT UP. Do it HAPPILY. Do it JOYFULLY. Make your plans and let her enjoy the time with her cousin.

You are shooting yourself in the foot by constantly bringing up these things and expecting her to suddenly think you are the best thing since sliced bread. Stop it. You have a LOT to prove.

The FINAL thing....

STOP TALKING ABOUT SEX. GIVE IT A BREAK FOR AWHILE.

If SHE brings it up, then you AGREE with her by saying something like...

"I did some thinking honey and I don't blame you for being hurt and mad about our sex life. I was a moron. I wouldn't blame you if we never had sex again. I am sorry for my past behavior and I WAS WRONG."

Then SHUT UP... Let it be and leave her alone for awhile..

This is what will work....

Stay consistent... and learn how to BE NICE to your wife.


Read my signature on and practice those concepts. Learn to agree. This is your roadmap home....

Good luck

LA... I felt we were kindred in your posts and would be most honest and tough.

I consider the night she didn't come home until 6am to be an A, even a ONS. What is an ONS?

I also feel that was pretty close to an A if anything was. I remember being scared and wondering where she was and not sleeping at all all night. I also remember the intense arousal by what might be going on in that room. I know that sounds sick and disgusting and I agree but it is the truth and that is what I want you to know so as to get the best counsel.

Keep.... I have done just what you have suggested in the past to get in return this statement in a load tone...
"Don't try to be the martyr here!" or "I am so tired of this martyr attitude."

So as much as I would like to use that it hasn't worked for me in the past with her. Maybe when things are better and she CARES if I feel bad about something.

LA... SHe has constantly asked that I have a good time and makes it a point to ask if I am this weekend. I am having a good time but is my intuition wrong or is this just a plea to take the guilt off of her??

Ok maybe that was me regressing in my own thoughts and not growing in this... This is very hard indeed!!

Oh yeah... Keep... "happy the way things are in your life"
That is the hardest thing of all... I respectfully disagree.

LA... In another thread you wrote... "What are some of the things you are going to be doing to take care of yourself, provide for your own ENs and fill the thoughts that you normally have been focusing on WW?"
Is this when a Plan B is in effect. Or should I be thinking of this now as well?? I have these ENs too...

If I haven't said it lately... Thanks for the help!

Tone, tone, tone... Indifference, Indifference, Indifference!! That is what I hear and get from our conversations this weekend with my W.

So here is what I am hearing and starting to get...

-My actions brought this on over a 9 year period so my changes as of the past few months pail in comparrison to the damage done.

-WHat is real may not be and most likely is not her reality.

-Plan A isn't necessarily about me changing her mind as much as me becoming a better person.

-Finding out why I asked for her to see other men is paramount to recovery.

-Acting on a plan to change the LoveBusters is also paramount.

-Realizing the absolute destruction I have caused in my wifes mind and heart.

-Fight for my marriage and family with every part of my being!

-This is not a Quick fix.. Yet can be fixed.

-Pray!!

So am I getting close??

Where to start?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, AH...welcome to another week of your life.

I'm starting with your last post because that looks to me where you're attempting to get a structure to what you're doing. I'm all for that.

Your actions contributed to the state of your marriage; so did hers. Your actions are the only thing you have control over, so I get why you feel it was mostly you. I felt the same way. Know it is more balanced than that, but for now, you want the marriage more, so you can own more of the past.

And no, your changes of the last few months mean everything. Making them stick inside you, rooting out the beliefs that allowed you to do the damage in the past, those take more time to set, like concrete. It won't take you 9 years of changing to redeem the last 9 years, 'k? Your efforts don't pale in comparison, but you cannot control how long for someone else to believe in you. Takes time, patience and awareness on your part.

Wow...Plan A is about you, not changing her mind. Awesome. Learning how to have a relationship, what you bring (ENs), what you take away (LBs), how human you are, and where you became enmeshed and lost respect for each other, yes, big part of Plan A.

Now, something not to step over...Plan A is for proving and exposing the affair. You indicated you felt like a snoop rat, like that was a bad thing. Well, ONS means one night stand, and it is infidelity. Being a snoop is being true to yourself. You cannot trust what your wife says because she has lied by omission about that July night and most likely, last Tuesday night. You must snoop cell records, etc., to find out if an she is active in an A. If she is, then you need to expose. You need to do this to find out if she is in the WS fog since last year or not.

I love your list...add this bullet, 'k?

I would change the "what is real" statement to this:

--To put respect back into our marriage and acknowledge that she has her own beliefs and perceptions and I have mine. They do not have to be in agreement to have a loving, fulfilling marriage; only certain ones do...my dealbreakers: faithfulness, radical honesty, commitment to recovery.

Drop realizing your destruction...you have. I hear it and know it. Instead, recognizing you have only control over yourself and the power to hurt and destroy, as has every other human.

This is not about fixing...it is about redemption, atonement, true commitment and loving yourself and others honestly and with respect. Time and self-care will bring about a great future for you and your family.

"Don't try to be the martyr here!" or "I am so tired of this martyr attitude." Here is where your wife's gross DJ is affecting you. You've convinced yourself that she is right when she is being abusive. Feels safer that way. As a response to her saying the above, "I hear you believe my response is being a martyr, or has that attitude. I don't do martyr anymore because when I did, I created and held resentments against you instead of realizing it was my choice. I no longer choose martyr, so thank you for bringing that up."

"but is my intuition wrong or is this just a plea to take the guilt off of her??" You are so correct in my opinion!! However, stop judging. When she says are you having a good time? "I am here because I chose to honor your wish for less stress. I didn't come here for a good time, but for you."

Oh, I'm awful, ain't I?

"Oh yeah... Keep... "happy the way things are in your life"
That is the hardest thing of all... I respectfully disagree." Sorry, AH, I got lost here. I wanted you to feel some true self-esteem for your changes, your awareness, your commitment...did I somehow say you had to be happy right now? Oh, no...that would be wishing Summer arrived overnight, wouldn't it?

"LA... In another thread you wrote... "What are some of the things you are going to be doing to take care of yourself, provide for your own ENs and fill the thoughts that you normally have been focusing on WW?"
Is this when a Plan B is in effect. Or should I be thinking of this now as well?? I have these ENs too... "

No, I mean in Plan A, not Plan B. Plan A means you evaluate your own ENs...chart them, examine them, find out what you can do for yourself...in that thread (or others) I tell you about self-affection, conversation, self-admiration, acceptance, and the rest...things you can do for yourself that bring your ENs into reasonable proportions...not dependency (and therefore deprivation in Plan A); not independent behavior...but in the middle reasonable. Self-appreciation may feel like a foreign or negative concept, but it is valid and worth concentrating on, like all the others.

Did you read, "Healing the Shame that Binds Us?" John Bradshaw?

I'm not saying to go 180 on your wife and act like she doesn't matter. But in Plan A, you do concentrate on you, not focus on her obsessively, and use that time for yourself to study with books and information, and then you can share that with her in simple "I" statements. Not for her benefit, but because you hold to your code of honest communication. And it fills a bit of your own EN for Openness and Honesty, even when you're the one being that way, see?

Good move on your list for clarity. Hope I haven't muddled you up in the process. Snoop, read and educate yourself, stay present with your wife, listen and repeat, strive to just understand, not be understood yet. What until she asks (which would say that she was ready to understand) for your truth until you give it for now. Use the "I" statements to say your thoughts and feelings simply..."I realize you have a seperate relationship with our son and I will not allow myself to worry about it but concentrate on my own with him. Could you pass the salt?"

Volunteer but do not press. What you do, do authentically. What you believe, believe it within yourself and not about others. What you say, say with that power of yourself, in "I" statements...do not judge, disrespect, invade or believe you can manipulate someone else against their will. Stay in the truth and you will live it.

((((((AH))))))

LA

I have just discovered a seperate bank acount with alot of cash in it that was just set up last week. WHat do I do now?? If she knows I read her email to find it and went to the site to login and had to change the password since she hadn't been there yet she will kill me and it will be over. Especially if it turns out to be a holding account for work.

Is it reasonable that it could be an account for work? Is that even possible? She sells life insurance...she has an accountant or a bookkeeper for the company that would do that, right?

Are you in charge of the finances or is she? Would it be possible for her to have squirreled away this amount of money from your joint income in the last seven months?

LA

She did not squirrel away the money... It was a bonus that she told me she got last week but I only saw 3k of it... 6k is in the account in another county in a different bank when ther is a bank right next door to her office. It is not normal for her to have a seperate business account.

I gave her the opportunity to tell me about the extra money today when I got home. I asked her how her girl she was training liked her part of the bonus..(she told me there was more but she had to pay her and another guy the rest.)

I asked her and she told me she wasnt happy with the ammount. I asked if the other guy liked his and she said he doesn't get any... Ok now would have been a perfect time to say to her.."tell me about this other account" But I resisted and intend on gathering more evidence of a plan before I say anything. I am very disturbed and anxious.

She is in charge of the finances for the most part.

Ok I also brought to her attention that I had located a counselor for us to go to. It is alot then I mentioned Dr. Harley and she of course loves HN/HN. She didn't react to positive to the suggestion of counseling... more like indifferent and avoiding...

I feel so lost at this moment.

SHe has changed the password on her credit card. And cleaned the credit card file out of the desk file cabinet.

She also wrote an email to a friend of hers that stated she may be running away soon but didnt know how far to go and that Sam would be wondering where his friend and his daddy was.

Devistated is only a sliver of what I feel. I am having trouble keeping it from my son. She is again working late and has no clue I know at this time.

What do I do???

My best friend is an investigator and says I should keep my mouth shut.

She did set an appointment for counseling next week, but I fear it is only to go through the motions....

Am I overreacting??

I think you are just going to have to hang in there, and see what she does. Hopefully, she has enough sense not to leave.

Thank you for the encouragement... I do believe she does have sense. And as for the credit card password.... She has to change it if she forgets it. I think(hope) that is what she did.

Good night

Exactly why does your friend, the investigator, want you to keep quiet? And have you put him to work in your behalf?

He says if I say anything she will hide it deeper and I don't have enough proof at this time to expose anything.
She has changed her passwords on her emails last night and is angry if I question her on anything.

At this point I just want to see what happens with the counseling and try to hold myself together.

I can smile at her and be accused of playing a game.

I was in SF Marines and never felt as out of control as I do now.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to proceed now.... I would greatly appreciate the help.

God Bless.