I no longer fear an explosion on my part as in the past I would have been the one to do ust that. Not the only one.

But I have a great deal of control over my emotions at his point and realize it is me that can turn the tide. I just need the chance to do it.

I feel even more sure that there is an EA at the least and possibly an PA.

I am here for the long haul.

She is still here and that is a good thing.

Wow what a day....

A good day of talking and planning and toy buying for our son. Talking about things at all is a good day for me. It was a day of almost normalsy. It was only tainted by my thoughts of the OM. "mybilly" is driving me crazy.

This afternoon she took the extra set of keys to her car out of my car and when asked about it she said she must have grabbed them by accident. No go baby!! They were in a spot you would have to reach in and get them.

I did not react nor respond to the explaination. She handed them over graciously and I just put them back. No conflict no LB's and things continued smooth.

If there is an A, do I expose it to her and him? Do I inform the OW. I know both and it is a MAJOR deal if it is exposed. Career ending for both.

A bittersweet note...
Our son is definitely more in tune with Dad right now and seems to know who has been here to take care of him. It is not a pretty thing for me. I DO NOT cherish the thought of my son being argumentative to his mother or even asking for me when she tells him NO. It has to hurt her heart.... That hurts me if it hurts her.

Any suggestions on this one?

I found this in another post... My added comments are where I feel I fit the mold.


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A from Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs. Hard, But Working It
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be. Check

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage. Check

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking. Working, but getting no positive feedback
Stop lovebusting behaviors. Check
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel. Double Check

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to. Praying
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery. check

Offering forgiveness and understanding. Always have



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth. Having trouble with nerves and proof

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way. Coming Soon

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused. Again nerves

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become
adulterous. This is my biggest weekness! I feel responsible

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous. I am trying to find the strength

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders. I can do this

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family. A real far stretch to convince her of this paradigm shift.

I have changed and have been attending Sexaholics anonymous meetings as well as my first counseling session is tomorrow.

Anyone...LovingAnyway!! help me on this as much as you have in the last few weeks.

Boy the more I read on here the more answers I get on my own... This is from the post by WAT in the 'Just found out' section... It really hits My WW on the head... Doesn't mean it doesnt hurt like ****** though...

Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair. Nonetheless, your wayward spouse will likely accuse you of all sorts of misdeeds, rewrite your marital history exaggerating trivial issues, and shift blame to you in their attempt to lessen their guilt and justify their decisions. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.

Does this ever end and switch back to her being rational and changing her thoughts of these things??

I still need that nerve stiffining advice...

Yesterday was an ok day... She has been coming home earlier and spending a tad more time with our son. However, when she puts him to bed she won't let me tell him his bedtime story... ??? WHat is that about?

This Morning I left a note in her purse telling her I love her and to have a great day... She didn't say anything... Not expecting her to, but she did come home earlier and have dinner with our son and me. Shocker actually.

Last night I had put a note in her book she is reading in bed. It reads "I love you and want you back! You are an amazing woman and I miss us holding each other."

She didnt find it yesterday but I know she found it tonight. She has made no comment but has gone to bed without a word to me. hmmm... Also this morning I walked up behind her and asked her if I could do anything for her today... She said no but thank you for asking... Hmmm

I feel so good just offering anymore.

I have also come to realize that if we can get back to church more regular(we have been too busy to attend regular) that she would probably repent and return to the family on the emotional side as well. She is very convicted when it is in front of her.

Just a little side note here...

My getting back to church is more for myself and my son than it is to win back my marriage.

My first IC with a pro was Monday and the one BIG thing I got out of it is that I need to take care of my son and ME first... Let her do her thing cause I can't change her. It is a hard thing to do, but I am starting to just have ... get this now... I am starting to just have.... ready?...... Faith

OK OK here is amorning for ya~~

This morning after she found the note in her book, she woke up later than she wanted and was in a bad mood from the get go.

If you read the above posts I have been being very loving and supportive(or so I thought) over the last several weeks. Despite the goings on.

Welllllll.... She was in rare form this AM... It began with me asking why she needed to get up so much earlier...(an innocent question I thought) Well that just opened the flood gates to her berating me for leaving notes on her purse in her book and asking if there is anything I can do for her today... Evidently I wasnt listening when she told me to just back off! (never was told to back off in the last 4 months)
Notes just p*** her off and asking loving things just make her feel questioned all the time. She wants to work this out with counselling. I guess even her emails weren't necessarilly reality to her. God Bless her! I can only imagine how she is feeling.

My growing has gotten in the way of our healing, i am afraid.

She also went on a tyrade about the lawyers number she saw on my notebook. "tell me why you have his number!!"

My response was to cover my bases because of what you had told me was in your heart. Hers was sarcastic.."Oh OK that's all I needed to know..
Me "I hear you say that is fine but you dont mean fine"
her.. "Oh no thats just what I needed to hear"

A break in the muck??
As nervous and out of whack as I felt it really felt good when it was over because I realized that even though she said I was pushing.. It was really er feeling the pulling of my love for her.

I was amazed that after all that and I got in the shower, when I got out she said she had to go and that she was sorry she didnt mean for the morning to be all arguing. Then she came to ME and gave me a kiss bye and said have a good day. Asked me if I could still take some things to the cleaner and left.

As horrible as it was at the time, I think it was a big break. It was communication and not withdrawal. Conflist initiated by her... then niceness and affection... WOOHOO

The light got brighter and the tunnel got a little shorter.

I haven't spoken to her ALL day. No calling her and asking her if she will be home for dinner... No calling to let our son talk to her.(he didnt ask) No calling... seems to be a new LB to do that. Our dear friend called me today to say she was meeting her Saturday for a short while. She said she is probably feeling a little panicked after seeing the Lawyers nuber on my pad. Our friend says knowing her she has lost a little of the control she probably felt she had over me and it has thrown a wrench in the works...

Any ideas as to what I should do to be loving with out pushing.

Evidently asking if there is anything I can do for her each day is a NO NO...

AH -

I just saw your thread. I don't have time to go all the way through it, but will try to do so tonight.

I can definately identify with a lot of what you're going through right now. Things with MP and I are quite rocky right now, so I don't know how much encouragement I can give you, but I'll give what I can.

I don't know the status of your faith, though you indicate you have some. I can tell you that the last 3 months kicked me off the "Christianity Fence" and put me in a position where I had to choose, once and for all, whether I was for God or against Him. I choose, daily, to be for Him.

A couple of quick thoughts, from a faith perspective. First, the single most important thing is your personal relationship with God. You need to fully rely on Him for everything - and to do that, at least in my experience, means giving up everything - even your wife. I'm not saying to leave her, just realize that at this point in time, because of past actions you took, you have abdicated your position as the spiritual head of your household. This does not in any way justify any affair she may be or has engaged in, but as you know you are 100% responsible for your actions that led to the current state of your marriage.

Second, your only hope comes through God. At least, that's the point I've reached. Trust in him, and know that all things will work out according to His plan (Romans 8:28). Does that mean your marriage will be restored? I don't know...I don't even know for mine, though I believe and hope it will. It does mean that no matter what, as long as you walk with God, He will take care of you, and give you the strength to endure whatever storms come in your life.

Letting go is hard, and it's very scary. I've written more than I had intended too, and I hope I've been able to give you some encouragement, based on what little I was able to read of your thread.

Hang in there. The past is the past and you cannot change it, even though it affects your present. You can only change today, and through that affect the future. "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 5:34, NKJV).

Also, you might want to ask Mortarman and ForeverHers for input to your situation on the spiritual side, as they've given me very good advice and guidance.

I can so identify with your situation, and I feel for you. It's a terrible thing to be in this position, especially when we realize what are "innocent" fantasies did to the person we loved the most. If you want to talk to me off the boards, my wife's and mine joint e-mail is in my sig line. I'll be happy to help in any way I can, though I'm a novice at all this myself.

Brokenbird...

Thank you for the great input...
As for my spirituality, I have been a firm lover of GOD as long as I can remember. That being said as in with my wife, we always seem to hurt the ones we love the most. I know in my actions that my wife was not the only one hurt. GOD as well has felt the hurt I have imposed on my own life and those of others.

The difference between my GOD and my wife is that GOD is the forgiving one and I have made amends with him and do so everyday. It isn't a thought in my head that that isn't so... He forgives!!

I was listening to Dr. Stanley today on the radio and it wason healing and praying through pain. It was really about physical afflictions and pain but it struck a cord with me.

He said that as strong as his belief and relationship is with GOD, he still has pain that can make it hard to pray the right way. That is when he asks for others to pray for him because he may not be able to do it through the pain.

I firmly believe that GOD is active in my family. I am praying through this pain and have asked and am asking others to help pray for us just in case my prayers aren't enough due to the pain.

Each of us one and all hurt GOD with our actions. He expects it and knows your heart. It is this that makes the salvation so wonderful and full.

I know I sounded like a preacher there but it just flowed out...

Thanks!!

Hey, Preacher AH!

Sounded lovely to me. You might have a calling. I've been bashed for this on the boards...but I do believe God works through our very humanness.

I read back to where I abandoned you...

"You see I am shouldering a ton of the responsibility in my heart andmind for whatever we are going through. If I hadn't made it so easy for her to be intimate with others, she may not have gone as far as I fear she has."

The images you give yourself while in pain and uncertainity are very important. Please try to give yourself accurate ones.

Here's you have you, an Atlas, with a chaotic world, which gives me the idea that I see your W as unemcumbered and moving around freely. Try to make this a more managable and less aggravating image for yourself. You may be feeling resentment for being in this position--has nothing to do with you taking responsibility or not--because we make our resentments, often from visually creating an image for an emotion. I think you'd like to see yourself shining, no chaotic world, maybe flooded with light coming down in redemption and love...your opportunity for all you're going through to get to the self God created well, and whole...and with your arms wide open, face stunned and smiling, your wife is there, also, across from you, and just isn't stepping into that flood of light, yet.

God reaches for you, but respectfully. He waits for you to reach for him. You know this. But we get lost from what we know. I did. Your wife might. Acceptance. She has her own way back to who she was, is willing to be, and your respect of that mirrors God's.

So, redefine Plan A here a bit...until we get evidence for the possible billygoat guy...she said she wants you to back off from all your changes. You can't back off from all your changes because you've got a code. However, you can reshape your Plan A into nonverbal meeting of ENs...where you're open and receptive to conversation, but no more "What can I do?" She's your wife. You know what gives her comfort at the end of a day...is it dinner ready? Soft lighting in a straightened livingroom? Soft music? Candles (away from son's pyro fingers...all three of mine were fascinated); could be potpourri, not overpowering, but subtle...appeal to the senses...maybe lavender or jasmine (relaxation)...foot rubs, clean sheets, load of laundry...not that you're a servant, but each act of service can be done with the same feel good you got above, without the question.

Very difficult to do without that positive feedback you speak of needing--I was a praisehound, I know! I got validation, acceptance and appreciation from doing acts of service...but boy, watch out when I didn't get my levels of expectations met! Now, not so much. I watch myself do this...did a lot of this stuff in Plan A...notes, etc. My H couldn't take the words. I did find jokes on the net and leave one a day on his dash.

And I stopped myself from looking for a reaction. I began to enjoy myself...the environment I created, the laugh I got from the joke, and let the nervousness and the unknown take a hike for awhile. What was was...I found my own joy.

I think you could, too. You can take your son to church without W. I mean, invitation stands, doesn't need to be offered more than once. That's respecting her choices and to know. Do not expect her 180-degree turnabout. I found church very painful for years...still can. My own stuff. Mine to work out. She might have had the passion for God and got lost, fearing the return...her own spiritual journey. I just don't want you to doubt that God isn't working his proverbial derriere off to be within her reach. He does that for everyone. He's there. You're not alone. But it is between him and her.

Please don't go into the future about exposure before you have the proof, know the players (and it would be OMW...other man's wife, not OW...made me giggle...uh, and wonder...:o) Not really.

Stay here, diligent and faithful to your code and your care...remember all those things...acceptance, no judgment, respect, love...have to be what you do to you, also, as well as others. I didn't know if you missed that part.

You're worth it.

Now, as for SA and your counselor. Way to start off the road to intensive personal recovery! Owning all parts of yourself, understanding this life long part is terrific. Am I repeating myself about www.recoverynation.com ?

You're not alone in SA, either. And the 12-step groups reinforce so much of what you read here...openness and honesty, relying on God (your higher power), respect for others and their seperate journeys. So much more. Like finding your roots...uhm, if you dye your hair. Which is an image that doesn't really work here, huh?

Was I getting on you for your images to yourself?

What was I thinking?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Lovinganyway...
I will answer your last post soon but right now I am in crisis mode....

I just heard a cell message to my wife made from a lawyer telling her that she can't file in Alabama when she just gets there she will have to file in Georgia cause it has jusrisdiction but she can get a hearing in at least 2 weeks.

Did her finding the lawyers number on the note pad cause her to jump to this or has she been planning an playing me all along?? It is soo devastating sometimes... I am working so hard to be a better person for her!!

WHat am I to do now... I have immediately contacted a very good lawyer to find out my options and she says that I have a great chance to get custody and stop the move. SHe has no grounds for removal.

I want so bad to just sit with her and discus this!!
I am in such great pain right now...

Please talk to me... someone!!

AH -

How is it going? I finally finished reading your thread. It sounds like there may be something going on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think you're getting great advice from LA. I don't know how much I can help, but I can try. Hopefully I won't repeat anything others have said or that you yourself realize.

It sounds like in your case most of your wife's anger and hurt is over your desire to see her with other men. I can totally relate to that. In my case, there are other issues as well (and probably for you too), but that's definately a big one. Once I realized what my fantasy had done, I was blown away. I had completely stripped my wife of any intimate feelings she may have had for me, and I was playing my fantasy against a weakness for her.

The only real advice I can offer is to keep doing what you're doing, get right with God, fix yourself, and take care of your child. Leave the rest to God - we know He is faithful to us, even when we're not faithful to Him.

You are in a dark place...the valley of shadows. Remember what King David wrote in Psalm 23 - "The LORD is my sheppard, I shall not want." Such a simple sentence, but so powerful (thanks to ForeverHers for pointing out the 23rd Psalm to me a while back). God will meet your needs, and He is the most qualified to know what those needs truly are.

If you're like me, you're fighting a daily battle with yourself. You're angry with yourself for what you have done to the person you truly do love the most. You're anxious for things to be made right, and have to struggle with being continually rebuffed by your wife in any attempt you make to show your love. You want the pain to end, and to have the marriage with your wife that should have been there all along. Depending on the actual situation with your wife and a possible OM, you're probably wondering how to deal with the anger, pain, bitterness and resentment you feel over that (which coupled with your anger at yourself makes for a pretty potent combination). You want your wife to take you back with open arms and forgive all your mistakes, and yet you know it can't happen overnight.

As others on this forum can attest to, your actions do speak louder than words, and your wife will see the changes in you. MP wrote to me in a letter last night that she does see the changes and growth in me. Right now though she is just coming to grips with how deeply she is hurt, and how much she has been burying over the last 5 years, and its overwhelming.

I understand, in my own way, how she feels. I'm experiencing from her a lot of what she experienced from me. This is not to say she's doing it intentionally or maliciously, I think it's just the nature of the beast. To me, there is nothing worse than knowing (or at least thinking you do) how someone feels, and knowing that not only are you a good part of the problem, you can't do a single thing to help them.

In reality though, there are things you can do, and you are doing them. Show them your love, continue to choose to love them, pray for them.

I would recommend two things:

1. Pick up a copy of Stormy O'Martian's "Power of a Praying Husband". It's an excellent book and a quick read, and goes into detail on the why and how of praying for your wife, divided into categories (her husband, spirit, emotions, motherhood, moods, marriage, submission, relationships, priorities, beauty, sexuality, fears, purpose, trust, protection, desires, work, deliverance, obedience, and future). She also has a companion book that contains all the sample prayers she has in the main book.

2. Get involved with your church, and find some solid Christian brothers that can be accountability partners (by accountability, I mean keeping you on track with your walk with God, not necessarily the voyeurism, though that could be part of it too). Having someone(s) to confide in, that will pray with you, and be a sounding board is immensely valuable.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Prayer has been the single most powerful weapon in our arsenal in fighting for our marriage.

Also, take a good look at Mortarman's Husbands and Wives Roles thread - it's an excellent study on Ephesians 5.

Hang in there. Your wife undoubtedly has a lot to process and work through, and sometimes you might just have to back off and let her work through it. Help if she asks you to, but don't force the issues, and don't smother her by trying to be Mr. Perfect.

Set your boundaries if you need to, and enforce them. I have learned that by not taking a stronger stand, I gave my wife the message that I didn't care, which was the exact opposite of what I was trying to say.

It's early in the game, and this is as people say a marathon. You can make it, and you can rest assured that God is with you no matter what. And try not to beat yourself up too much about the past (it sounds like you're not, and that's good).

AH -

Ouch. I don't know what to tell you on this one. Remember though - you cannot control her actions, but you can control you. Do what you need to do, and let the consequences of her actions fall on her. That doesn't mean stop fighting for her, but she has to own her actions, not you.

Also,
Careful here. I know you're really panicked right now, but remember that the end goal, as I understand it, of Plan A is to make you a better person, a more attractive person for your wife. Checking into divorce is not the same thing as filing, and filing is not the same thing as divorcing. One can lead to the other, but it can be stopped at any point along the way.

Protect yourself and your son, but do not give up hope yet.

Brokenbird...
"Set your boundaries if you need to, and enforce them. I have learned that by not taking a stronger stand, I gave my wife the message that I didn't care, which was the exact opposite of what I was trying to say."

Please expand on this for me... I fear I am doing the same and a dear friend says she thinks it is time for me to make her stop being the tyrant. By taking the controls over.

I am in a dark spot you are right... I havent lost sight of the light though.

"His light is in me"

A letter I want to send to my W... Not finished but should I do it...?


In the past several months since the hurricanes, we have grown further and further apart. I have worked to find what you see as my flaws and work to destroy them. You said the other day after you found TPs number that you were doing the best you can. And for me to leave you alone. I have honestly attempted and feel I had done rather well at making changes. My being nice and asking if there is anything I can do for you has been percieved as pushing and not genuine. I can't express how much it is genuine. It is me learning new things. It is bad timing I suppose. It isn't easy when I am beating myself senseless for the destruction I created in our lives together. I have been up and down and all around about this as well as you.

I know that you and J have a tight and nearly unbreakable bond. I know that she has a deep disdain for me and what I have put you through. I feel that whatever good I do or change I make for the good will be torn apart by her and fed back to you in pieces not resembling what it started out as. And I am sure this won't stay between you and I...
There was a time when things weren't so clear for her either and you were there. I expect her to be there for you. I am sure it is easier to listen to someone that agrees with you, instead of someone that might see a different side. Not that there is anyone, for goodness sake who would have a good view of what I was doing back then... I don't blame you. There isn't ANYTHING I can do to change the past. All I can do is find out why I have done it OVER and OVER and OVER, and do everything in my power to be the better person. Hopefully that better L will find you next to him.

I know that you are getting things in order for whatever decision you make or have made. It isn't that hard to figure out that you are getting your ducks in a row. I am not an idiot and I am not blind nor stupid. I haven't been able to put a finger on it but one minute I feel we are making up ground and the next I am blown away by the hatred of me.

I can only imagine (and lose sleep imagining) the rejection and disrespect you feel I gave to you over the years. You gave me an opportunity in the beginning of the year to start all over and it was wasted on an obsession that I had. Here we are a year later and at a 180 degree turn around. That obsession has haunted everything in my and our lives. I put you at jeopardy by making it alright for you to do what wasn't alright to you, and now I fear you have found what you need in another.

You always said to me "Don't make me out to be the fool." I am asking this of you... If there is someone even emotionally, it is getting in the way of our healing. If healing us is what you want for our marriage.

You have the doubts in your mind about my faithfulness to you. As much as I have done to you with thoses obsessions, I have never given in to those temptations. I have nothing to prove this except God and my words.

WHen you came in tonight and layed your hand on my back and rubbed it was like you were making love to me. Yeah! It is that exciting. What do I know about making love right. Give me the chance and I will SHOW you what I know. I know that everyday is an opportunity to make love to you all day long. Even without being able to see you all day...

Big hugs to (((BB))))((((AH))))

Great posts, BB. So glad others are here willing to share what was a secret and hidden shame. Guess you read that my H did the same thing. Couldn't let AH think he was alone in it. Okay, I know he thinks what he thinks...and he knows he isn't alone.

Where is your self-loving, AH? You are a great husband...you have the tools, knowledge and desire...you are a light in her darkness. She chooses to see it or not.

Why Alabama?

I'm with BB...can't tell you how many times divorce was brought up and thrown at each other for us...even him seeing a lawyer in person...nothing was filed. Nothing happened.

If she believes you were controlling her, then this might be a normal reaction...she has to be aggressive, proactive, take back her life, fight you for control...yadayada...yeah, I'm DJing here. I went through a phase of picking out all the ways my H controlled me.

And he did the same with me.

You do not have the ability to control her. No one does. She has choices...you have choices. This is fiction.

Breathe.
Hug yourself.
Feel what you're feeling right now.
It will pass.

God made that stipulation along with the no controlling others rule...this came to pass...feels like forever, but only eternal life is. Period.

Decide from your standards, AH, if arming yourself with legal information is something that will enhance you. Do not look at it for driving her away. Her choice. She reacts, you act. That's how you become the leader of your family once more. Others react, you act. You choose.

You know.

You're awesome in your capacity to see yourself. She's blocking your light. You made love a verb...continue doing that...even as you make other choices. That's from your code, not manipulation, reaction to reaction or tit for tat.

You need to secure your children's home. File what you need if filing first counts...for legal seperation. This does not mean you are abandoning your belief in the marriage or love of your wife. You choose what you need for the children.

If filing first won't matter, then don't. The Rule of Protection isn't about protecting her from her own choices...but yours. Or the choices of others. Just yours. Do not allow yourself to violate your code from fear of driving her away (her choice), making her mad, or making her take action...you can't. Respect her choice as well as your own. You both deserve that.

Let God's light warm you--you're in great hands. Your marriage and your life is...if you do not give in to your great need to manipulate for the outcome you desire. Breathe. Relax. Stay present.

I already know you can do this...just reminding you.

LA

Edit your letter, to remove proper names, even if they aren't yours, 'k?

:::reading it now::::

LA

I respect you sharing your truths and showing your love.

Don't give it to her, please.

Let it sit, rest in your mind...step to the side tomorrow when you re-read it and see what you see.

I think a Plan A letter is a great idea now. That would be very similar to yours...you owned what you did, gotten to the why of it, how it paid you off and kept you from being intimate (connected and close) with her, how she didn't make you act this way (she may believe that), and the steps you are taking to change. That you're experiencing the joy and sorrow of being vulnerable and intimate with her now, facing your fears, feeling terror and acting in spite of it. That you now know what cherishing means and do cherish her (much of what your last paragraph said to me).

Also, that you see your part...and now respect her choices, also. Apologize for not recognizing or honoring her choices and your commitment to do so.

No going into the future or much into the past. Nothing about how far your marriage has fallen in distance...that's your belief. You want to state your feelings and thoughts? "I fear we aren't close, open and honest. I know I haven't been in the past and will not allow myself to be today or in the future." Speak from your code...not about her...no judgments, assumptions or mindreading.

Say what you've heard her say, "I heard you say...."

"I fear Joy's influence...anyone telling you to dump me. I really want to succeed or fail on my own. I trust you to know your own mind and choices. I fear, but I have unreasonable fears sometimes."

Be vulnerable and utterly truthful. Pray before you write that your soul will be revealed, you'll adhere to respectful truth, and that the promises you make will be held because of your code and not her actions.

AH--don't worry about answering...crisis mode is correct because that's how you feel and what you believe.

There for you. Let it sit a night or two. God guides you. Listen...then repeat!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

As you read it I hav ebeen reading yours and wish I hadn't posted it... Some of it sounds like a self bashing letter... It isn't meant to be... It is meant to let her realize how I understand what I did. Taking responsibility you know..

You need to comment more often girl!!

I am aware of me and Gods love for me... I also know I have been suffering a small setback today. or this week.. It isn't easy to be strong all the time... I have come to redirect my carnal obsession to this Spiritual front. I find it is more fulfilling to post here than it ever was to look at what i was looking at before.

I truly draw my strength from Gods presence in this forum and website.