Lovinganyway,
I know you are here...

My lawyer cautioned me against going to get him right now. He is in a safe place and is away from the struggle. If I bring him back he will just be in the mix and have alot more stress. At this time he is safe and has NO idea what is going on. He thinks he is just at Grammies to play and have fun. That is fine.

I have had alot of time to reflect on me and my situation. I need help with keeping my head on straight and affirmation and acceptance and this is the only place I get it right now.

My W has told me that she is going to be there ofr me through my struggle with this problem I have. She wants the father of her son to be healthy and is going to support my efforts to get that way even by going with me to the meetings.

I am not throwing in the towel however. She is wanting what she wants and I am wanting what I want. I have the steady income and residence and she doesnt know where or what she is going to do.

As far as the relationship, she doesnt know what she will be willing to do if I do get help. I will just have to continue along the path Istarted here and fix me and she may eventually see th changes and want me back. If not I will be the best damn man around and the best dad on top of that. I am already the dad so I just need to fix me!!

Well, sounds like you have a plan and are in a better place mentally and emotionally...

Your lawyer advising he stay in Ala...guess you have to go with that. I got no legal understanding...just know from reading here how absurdly inhuman divorces become and custody bares the worst in humans.

Sure you got a number for the meetings and get to a scheduled one soon...the more you have under your belt before anything is filed, the better.

Keeping you in my prayers,

LA

AH -

How is it going? Sorry about your weekend. I'll try and post more tonight and tomorrow, but wanted to know how things were going.

Hey guys!! Well it has been an aweful weekend! Yet today has been a weird day.

It ended last night with me agreeing to her having primary residence and us haveing joint legal custody and we were going to be staying in Georgia. Well this afternoon as we were getting ready to do some parenting schedule details, she says that she really wants to go home toAlabama and that if I would agree to let her that she would agree to the 50/50 joint legal & physical custody!! Not only that BUT that she would pay for me to move and fix my car and find me a placein the same town to live. !!!??? WHat the bleep!! Well I of course got a little upset cause I could not see how that would work and I felt I was loosing my son! Not the case though...

Now I realized that I could move and still work my job due to the virtual office world I ALREADY live in. So I have agreed to the terms and I have gotten what I wanted in the divorce.. I get to get my boy every other week and she the other. Not to mention I get moved and a new place. AND I get the bedroo set!! woohoo.

Every friend I have has been praying for me and I have felt it throught his weekend! God Bless!

I know this all sounds crazy.. Me moving everything to Alabama to be with my son... Well that may be so but I am crazy about my boy!! I would walk over acid covered hot glass to be with my son!!

Thanks for all the help and advice...

Oh BTW... I have not given up on winning my wife back!

You've already agreed to the divorce? I'm a little confused...did I miss something? I admit I didn't read in detail this weekend, but I feel like I just missed a huge chunk of the story....?

(None of this is meant to say you shouldn't do what you feel is right....I'm just a tad confused...)

Yes I agreed to the divorce... It is going to take a long time to finalize and like I said I havent given up hope. As for the plan... There is a plan and I have got to be where she is to work it. Plan A is going to have to be worked but being in another state is no option.

I know the 2x4s are aswingin' but I am a duckin'!!

Here is the straight skinny... I love my wife more than she knows... The fact is that everything I did prior to this epeisode was only making things worse. Plan A was turning into Plan Divorce. I have a chance and I am taking the out of the box approach... It isnt like I dont like it there... But our son can at least still have his parents close together and not just once and awhile.

My choice and my responsibility... I know you may not agree but there was SOOOSOOOO much crap this weekend that I didnt post it all.... I mean some major crap in my head too. But I am better for the storm!! You see... It is all about my son.. and no matter what she does to me , I am not going to keep her from him...

AH -

The choice to divorce or not is, of course, yours. I'm not qualified to give you advice there, as that's a path I have not walked and have no intention of walking if I can at all avoid it - I don't even want a separation.

Continue to focus on yourself and your son. Try and meet your wife's needs (when she lets you) and show her that you are not the man you used to be, and that you can function just fine without her (even if that doesn't feel true to you).

I don't have a problem with thinking outside the box (read my thread for proof). I also don't think you're going to get many 2x4s, since the only people actively posting to your thread appear to be LA and me. As I said earlier, I think our situations fall somewhat oustside of the scope of the "normal" MB situations, though others may (and probably do) disagree with me.

You, more than anyone else on this planet, know your wife. You know what will or won't work. Its the same with me and MP. I know when to push, and when not to push, despite people telling me I need to do this and that. I don't always pay attention to what I know, but at least I know a thing or two about MP that others don't.

Seek God's plan in this for you. He will not steer you wrong. I'd also highly recommend counseling, at least for you, if for no other reason than to get a good plan for your, at the very least, your own personal recovery in place.

My lawyer has awarded me the most impressive mature decision award in her 25 years of practicing family law!! Whatever that means... Seriously she said the fact that I am not wanting to fight for custodial custody on the fact that my W will not be able to support herself here anyway and that she will still have to leave to go to Alabama and leave our son here, is a very mature decision. Also to move to Alabama so she can start over and we both can be there for our son is the most impress act she has been involved with in a divorce.

Boy don't I feel special... A little bittersweet praise there huh?

Hey, toots...you are special. Nice of someone to notice.

And no, I don't think it is so outside the box, especially for you. You've come so far...be impressed with your darn self.

Because you got your priorities in order. You know that your job wouldn't be worth being away from your son. You know that being close is key. And a change of venue could be very positive.

None of this truly means divorce...maybe, maybe not. Your intent doesn't have to be.

Have you already looked up meetings in that town?

Bittersweet? Nope. All sweet. The more you act on what is right despite what you have in the past believed, the more your son and wife will know who you really are...now. That's you, in the mirror, dude. More than enough, seperate, equal and loved...not to mention admired.

I'm glad you expanded the lawyer's pov...shows that acting from your code, your priorities and from what you've learned is a blessing to many. You'll find more, too.

LA

LA -

You've mentioned following your "code" to AH several times. I'm not familiar with what that means - is it something on MB that I've overlooked, or something else entirely?

I believe it is part of MB...but not in the language I use. I read here often from others about boundaries and standards. On the forum. Made sense--Harley doesn't say, "You do this and make your H do this and you'll have a happy marriage."

Throughout his work is ownership and acting from your beliefs, not reacting to your partner. He says you meet your partner's ENs with conscious, loving intent...he does not say they must do it also, and if not, you must make them or divorce them, does he?

In SAA, I saw the way one spouse changed the dance they did (Plan A) and the other couldn't keep the steps the same, right?

Well, if you've been reacting to your partner...if she does this, I do that...meaning, giving yourself permission to act as awfully or as well as the other...be nice to get nice...well, you're wholly dependent, aren't you? Where's you in that equation, except as a judge of your partner's actions? Where's the acceptance, the seperateness, the leader? The reverence?

That's where I get it. If you honestly take MB, as one spouse without the other getting on board, and measure them by you, as you've been doing, (not you personally, BB) all your marriage...how will MB help at all?

He nailed this with the lovebusters...DJs truly bring that enmeshment, that reactive marriage to a halt when you're not allowed to assume, mindread or judge, true? You must live respectfully, which takes a code.

Am I getting there from here?

Saved me during Plan A...concentrated on me, my code, and it helped me to keep my mouth shut, intent on listening, understanding and choosing my actions. First time in my life. I believe it saved my marriage.

LA

If it weren't for the support I have gotten here just from you guys listening, I would have lost it long ago.

It is not a good place to be in right now ... I am so overwhelmed by the thought of everything and the fact of everything.

I have had to accept my part in this break down of my marriage. I have had to accept the damage I have done to my wife and family. I have also had torealize it is NOT 100% me. My wife has had a problem for many years about fear of abuse... Yes fear of abuse... She was in a very abusive relationship in her very first boyfriend and it has scarred her since. She has yet to get counselling on that.

Me I am very much in love with my son and intend to make sure my tombstone doesnt read..."I wish I had spent more time with my son" That is not going to happen.

I really appreciate the attention you guys are affording me. Tonight I questioned her intentions for moving to Alabama.

I wanted to know why it was so important. When she is questioned all the anger comes forward and she spouts flames. It is not a pretty site.
Her answer is for the support her mother and father can give while she works and gets back on her feet.
Again, not necessarilly Sam, but her reason.

I am at my wits end on these events! I just need a mild to heavy sedative!

What is the ONLY reason for me to movet o Alabama?

My son!

What is the only thing there for me?

My Son!

What do I need to remember to do?
Follow my code!

Wow...

Hi...

I got nothing.

LOL.

Laughing at myself helps sometimes.

Still here for you, toots. You're worth it.

Want me to point out what else you got besides nasty stuff?

POO points, I call'em. Point of Ownership.

You own your part in destruction. What about what you own that's positive?

You know you have power...and that ends at your finger tips. You can only control you. You now understand respect, that you're not the cause, control or cure for your wife's actions...they are her choices as yours are yours, right?

You get that everyone on the planet is equal...can't control anybody else.

You get that to get honesty and openness, you have to give that to yourself and others.

You know you make choices from your beliefs, get feelings from them and can choose them.

You can change yourself by changing your beliefs.

You commit yourself to what you believe in, respect others' choices and commitments and free yourself from blame because marriage isn't about blame.

Last thing...maybe you are learning what love is...and it is a choice, a belief.

Lots of great stuff that your son will celebrate with you by following your example.

You're awesome. Get OVER it.

Hey, did you know you've got like a three-star thread?

How cool is that?

You're worth being here for, AH. Pleasure and honor are mine.

LA

LA,
You are so awesome!!! Your H is so lucky to have you love him I am certain!

I do get it... My son is coming home this weekend to go to a birthday party for one of his friends in his daycare.

The invite said "please make sure Sam is at the party , cause our daughter Leah loves him so."

His teacher told us he is the most polite and well centered child in her history of teaching and she wanted to meet us both to tell us how awesome we were as parents.

He does say may I and thank you and able to or not able instead of Can or CAN'T... My personal favorite...

This MB site has helped me tremendously realize my worth.

Just a quick update on my W. She still won't come to the house because she is upset that I "invaded her privacy on every level" by reading her email and listening to her voicemail and checking her po box.

I didn't start that until I had already discovered things by checking the mail and finding the hidden stuff. LAwyer says I have the right of discovery as a spouse.

Personally I am torn.

But I am getting ready to move to Alabama to be with my son as my W gets her life settled.

Having her life settled and being around for my son should help him to adjust to things easier.

She asked me last night if we could just move to Alabama and not tell anyone we are getting divorced. hmmm

I would love to just not get divorced and move to Alabama together to work this out.

Hope???

She asked me last night if we could just move to Alabama and not tell anyone we are getting divorced. hmmm
Her statement to go along with this was.." I have enough trouble around here as it is."
I asked what trouble and what is going on that I don't know.
She told me just the same old stuff.

I told her this morning...I would love to just not get divorced and move to Alabama together to work this out.

She got real quiet and I didnt say anything else... Finally she said she had work to do in her office and that she would be on the road to get our son from Alabama when she finished.

I am so confused.

But not really.

If she comes back and stays I will cherish her every day!
If not I will still cherish her as the mother of my son.

I think she has so many thinks going wrong that she isnt making logical decisions.

IMHO

As a sidebar...

I have gotten alot out of this site and feel I have made changes in me that are obvious to the readers and to me.

Whether or not my marriage becoes a recovery success story or not I want everyone to realize that the principles and guidance of this site and its users have greatly benefitted myself and shall benefit my family in the future as it already has in the changes I am making in me.

I just hope that the reader doesn't think that just because my marriage did or didn't get fixed, that all this was a failure. I can tell you it wasn't!!

mightyrhino@hotmail.com

Letter proposed to my W... Please review and critique at will...

B......,

You are always going to be important to me and I will always respect you, and have a special place in my heart (even if it might not seem like it at times) because you are the mother of our son. I watched you give birth and that feeling is never going to go away. Even if I have differences and sometimes we both lose our tempers for whatever reason, even if we can’t live together, I know that we both will try to always do what’s best for our son. And hopefully be friends.. I want to always be a good father to him and I will always respect you for allowing me to do that despite any differences.

With all this being said I want to express to you that I do not wish to get divorced. Nor do I wish to live without you in my home. I would offer that we slow all this down and just move to Alabama and NOT get divorced. We can work this out. There is momentum in my career and business. That is not to say that everything will be great and fine in our financial lives all of a sudden.

We are moving way too fast to be making the BEST decision I feel. I have no problem moving to Alabama to make things easier for you. You have made many moves and choices for me.

You say that you don't want to be here again in 10 years. I don't either. If we can go to marriage counselling together and individual counselling before we call our marriage dead, I feel we could save our marriage and be the couple we should be together.

In the past 7 days we have gone through alot of emotions and stress and I just don't want to tell you goodbye.
I know that I have been negotiating this agreement and we have gotten angry and yelled and stressed and pushed and pulled each other, but I know that the one thing WE didn't do is get marriage counselling nor did we give the individual counselling a chance.

There are alot of things we BOTH have towork on to get it right. But the one thing I don't have to work on is my true and undying LOVE for YOU.

I am not talking about sweeping things under the rug. I am talking about removing the rugs and actually cleaning up the mess and mopping the floor in order to get things right with us.

I love you so much and want to fight for our marriage.

Me



Please read and respond to this for me... She is coming home this weekend with our son so that he can go to a Bday party of a friend. I want to get this to her ....

thanks.

Does it sound too whimpy???

Here's my editing:



"I love and respect you, though it might not seem like it at times. I now accept our differences, where before I would disrespect you by arguing my beliefs against yours. Your choice that we not live together is painful--I watched you give birth to our son. I know we both will try to always do what is best for him.

I will be a good father to him and I will always respect you for allowing me to do that.

I do not wish to get divorced, nor wish to live without you in our home. I would offer that we slow all this down and just move to Alabama and NOT get divorced. I believe we can work this out. There is momentum in my career and business, and I have hope.

I believe we are moving way too fast to be making the BEST decision. I feel fearful. I gladly choose moving to Alabama to make things easier for you. You have made many moves for me.

You say that you don't want to be here again in 10 years. I agree. If we can go to marriage counselling together and individual counselling before we call our marriage dead, I feel we would not be sentencing ourselves to being in the same pain 10 years from now, even with other people.

These last seven days have been very emotional for me. I feel stressed, pressured by you to call it quits on something that means the world to me. I respect that you are choosing to break up our family, but pray that you will choose not to do so without everything possible being done first.

I choose to love you. I am not angry about my choice.

I no longer believe in avoiding what looks like conflict, no sweeping things under the rug. I own how damaging that was and I apologize. I believe we are both worth it to overcome my fear of losing you. I believe in removing the rugs and actually cleaning up the mess and mopping the floor in order to get things right with us.

I believe in you, our son and our marriage.

Me

Not wimpy...just a lot of extra words (look who's saying that!)

How does this sound to you?

LA