Broken, I have been to your post and answered you...

I'm a threadjacker and always respond...

::::shoving AH to the side:::

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Managing our expectations is a very adult, ergo difficult task. We form them as children, I believe...we're told to wish hard...on stars and candles...for our dreams to come true. We're told this is reality and deal with it. We watch our role models expect and we struggle to fulfill...when we reach an age we're called adults, we expect more and more, just like our role models did. We hand it down, don't we?

Expectations can give you the feeling of security, being safe, knowledgeable (admiration) and appreciation when you live up to others' expectations. They get really out of control. Overlap a lot of what is real, making conflicts within us.

I expect for my car to start (just had a tune up) and it doesn't. See the feelings that result from the belief...frustration, resentment, anger, wishful extreme (this should not be happening)...even rage. In reality, the tune up itself left something out which caused it not to start on third morning (you can tell how technical I am)...which we didn't expect.

When you feel those same feelings in relation to your WS, understand your own expectations are at the root of it.

Now, what are the feelings that result when you get in your car and want it to start and it doesn't. You know it's been acting up lately, hit and miss, and you don't have a solution within your control right now, but you still want it to start. Feelings like sadness, wishfulness (wish-this-wasn't-happening-stuff), reluctance acceptance, and a good slump over the steering wheel might result. See where reality is more a part of your reaction to the situation...you owned the knowledge?

Expectations, and I find the most in me were extreme in their height and quantity, refused reality, held to what I wished for, denial. I usually said expectations like needs...but I need it to start or else this, this and this will (or won't) happen! Does that change reality?

Wanting, recognizing wants is an important part of your power to own what is and mourn a loss of what isn't right now.

You cannot manage others' wants, needs, desires, expectations, beliefs, thoughts or feelings. You are not allowed by God to do this because you weren't given any control over those things in others...just influence by your presence, and all those things in you. You matter. You influence (by presence, not manipulation). Knowing this increases your power of choice...to act, to accept, to be in reality or fantasy. WS are choosing unreality to run from their pain...they take it with them, btw...and shove even more on others.

BB...if you are in Plan A and choosing your actions to get a response from your WW...stop doing that. It is a futile and self-betraying Plan A.

If you are in Plan A and choosing your actions from your code, your desire is to make love a verb, and be free of your own expectations and identify your wants...then Plan A and rejoice in your power.

This is why "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck--then it's a duck" never made sense to me. It could be an outcast goose with the intent to be a duck. Intent matters. Choose your intention as carefully as your actions.

(((((()))))))

:::yanking AH back front and center::::

You're a gracious host to my babbling, AH. That's a great friend.

Glad you choose not to building rip today. Poor buildings. They would tremble in fear.

"How do you break the FOG? Compassion and good clean living? What if everything you say and do is suspect and distrusted as a game?"

Know where my name comes from? Kurt Keith's Paradoxical Commandments...Expectation breakers. Teaches you how to have a code in simple statements.

What if everything you say and do is suspect and distrusted as a game?

Then say, do and trust, anyway.

LA

She hasn't spoken to me today but she did send me a picture of my son dressed as a superhero... (towel, and glasses)

She won't speak to me!! Her choices are catching up I sense...

Are you in contact with her mother...the grandmother of your child?

She sent you a picture...could be worth a thousand words or nearly as many feelings.

Talk here. We may be a poor substitute, but we're conversation, recognition (I SEE YOU), admiration and appreciation...all in our presence.

Superhero...like his Dad.

LA

If you ask him what he wants to be when he grows up, he says "a Daddy Like YOU!"

Thank you for the recognition!

Feeling lonely right now and am glad you guys are around.

Yes she sent me a picture of him. It was wonderful! I cried to myself of course. I miss him so much and wish I had never agreed to let him go to his Grammies.

See, she is there with him now and I am not allowed to go to the farm. Not to mention she knows I have to work and get things finished for a quarterly deadline here.

I do get to talk to him 3 or 4 times a day and tell him his bedtime story... For about 9 months now I have been making up these stories about the Monkeyman... That is his nickname.

I tell him a new one every night and he adds to the story as I go along. (one day I will write them down for a book)

He asks for it every night.

Anyway, she sent the pic and it was after I had sent her some lit. on joint custody and the research into the benefits and the statistics of a boy without a father there at least 40% of the time.

She didn't reply to that email but then the pic came.

She didn't call or talk to me about anything and I am sort of relieved... Too much to deal with right now.

She wont even consider MC and has stopped IC.

There is alot I have to learn and I went to another SA meeting tonight. This one was a different place and it was better. Not alot better but better.

Do you really feel that it could be worth a thousand words or feelings?

I am over trying to figure those gestures out... I always have guessed wrong and am making a fool of myself.

So talk to me LA.. give me your take.

Oh and yes I am in contact with the grandmother.. BUt she lies to avoid conflict and her father wont speak to me in support of his daughter. Which is ripping me apart inside!! He is (was) like a father to me and it is like losing another Father all over again!

Temporary.

Just right now.

Not a sentence of forever.

As for a father to you...I do that. I've had many women I've made my mother. That's filling your own need. Know that he is torn up inside also. If he isn't in conflict, then you didn't choose a great dad.

Did you mourn your father? I believe we are supposed to mourn loss every day...loss of expectation, desire, wants or needs...feel the anger, fear, denial, bargaining, sadness, (I forget this one) and acceptance. Mourning a little keeps us aware of us and in an examined life.

You have felt ripped up a lot recently. I believe there is a purpose in that...that you feared being ripped too far and maybe kept that particular feeling at bay, contained, pushed down or controlled some way.

Creates a helplessness, doesn't it? When we don't recognize our control, we feel out of control.

I hate that feeling. Free fall in life, in some ways.

So I change my perspective. I am. I am right here. I am only in right now. If I have to go into my past because that is what I'm also feeling in my present, besides the present, I go there...for a limited time. I learn. I come back to right now.

It is all we really have. I know you know this. You can vent here...mourn...dance...or be hugged. 'Cuz you can.

LA

Just saw your previous post to the one that caught my heart. Have you heard the song, "I Wanna Be Just Like You" by Phillips, Craig and Dean? Gotta find it and hear it, 'k? Sounds like your life.

Since you're in Georgia...might ring a bell that the father in the song calls his son "Bud."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I see Monkeyman...not Bud. LOL. Darn. Hear the song, anyway.

Stories...you are going to write them down someday. I think tomorrow night is that day to begin. Truly. He'll be thrilled you wrote them down and sent them to him. He'll want to learn to read even more.

His story. And yours.

Good self comfort in that, I think.

Stick out your arm for a truth injection moment...

"See, she is there with him now and I am not allowed to go to the farm. Not to mention she knows I have to work and get things finished for a quarterly deadline here."

What is your truth? Is there a restraining order keeping you from the farm or no time? Both?

I'm glad you're not reading into her no answers/talk and allowing me to lead you a little. I'm guessing from far away and no crystal ball. Better than you guessing with that personal filter you have. Thank you for allowing me to do that.

Document your meetings. Did you get an IC? How about checking out Out of the Shadows? Did you invite AskMe to your thread?

Truth injection time over. Actually, some of it was just bein' nosy.

When you sent her the lit on statistics, did it scare you? Increase your own fears?

LA

Hmm...well, some of my actions, towards MP, are designed to meet those needs that I wasn't meeting before. She's not receptive to that (for the most part). Is it a violation of Plan A to do things for the WS? Or is it a violation of Plan A to do things for the WS under the hope (not necessarily expectation) that they will eventually reciprocate?

Or is saying hope, rather than expectations, simply a way of lying to myself to make myself think I'm doing this freely and expecting nothing in return?

I see where Plan A can make me a better person. I see it in AH, and his struggles. I think he's got it down better than me.

Perhaps on some level I feel that a Plan A just for me is not worth it. I know who I want as my partner in life, and if it doesn't work out, I honestly can't imagine ever even looking for someone else, let alone opening myself up. I'm damaged goods, due in large part to my own actions and sin. I've seen the failure rates for second marriages. Why would I ever want to put another of God's beautiful creations through this ringer?

Then again, maybe I'm still too focused on the future, and not focused on today enough.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34, NKJV)

I think I'm suffering from a serious time-space distortion. Jumping into the past to beat myself up for things I can't change, looking at the present and not seeing what I want to see, and looking to the future and fearing the worst.

My mind is all over the place. I want answers now. I want to know the future now. I keep taking control back from God, and I keep trying to fit God's perfect plan and timing into my own personal and highly imperfect plan and timing.

How does one slow the brain down when it's reaching lightspeed? How does one slow the blood down when it's pouring out of a broken heart? How do I heal myself when all I have to do is look at my lovely wife and see the pain, hurt, anger, bitterness, and sorrow that I directly contributed to? How can I expect my wife to want our marriage when through my actions and attitudes I gave her every reason to believe I didn't want her or our kids for the last nearly 5 years?

My code? I'm beginning to think I don't have one. Or haven't developed one. Maybe I'm condemned to be eternally relationship dysfunctional. Or maybe I'm just in danger of falling into a self-pity party (I hope not).

How do I find a code? Am I trying to write my code with the goal and expectation of winning my wife back? Is my perspective skewed again?

AH, I admire your strength. You appear willing to let your wife go if she chooses, even though its the thing you desire least. I've told my wife that I won't force her to stay, or make her feel obligated. I don't know if I have the strength to make it through that event if she so chooses.

It's all in God's hands. I know this. I accept this. I just can't seem to leave well enough alone, and keep trying to tinker with it, fix it. I keep asking God to open her heart and mind...I think I need to ask Him to keep opening my heart and mind instead.

Well, I've threadjacked enough for now. I now return you to your regularly scheduled AH thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know that feeling well, AH. I know my wife has experienced it as well, even recently. I'm willing to bet that your wife feels it too, even while she's telling herself that you're over and done.

Loneliness, especially late at night, is hard to deal with, especially when you're alone not by choice. These forums do help, but it's not the same as a human presence that you can talk to, see, reach out to, touch.

For me, it is, in some ways, no less than I deserve for the rejection my wife feels at my hands. Doesn't mean I like it...I don't.

Keep focused on your son. He needs you more than anyone else in the world right now. It will take time for your wife to work through her emotions, and she may need time away to do that. It's not about punishing her, or giving her a dose of reality (i.e., Plan B) - it's about recognizing that each person deals with their pain and hurt in their own way.

Perhaps you can view the loneliness as a temporary, albeit painful, price to pay for the restoration and rebuilding of your marriage. Hosea was instructed by God to go and purchase his adulterous wife back, and he paid 20,000 shekels (I believe). I have told God that I will pay any price to win my wife back. If that price is months of loneliness and pain, I will pay it.

Hang in there....draw strength from God, the people on these forums, your friends and family. Draw strength from your relationship with your son. Nothing will ever change the fact that you are his father, and he loves you dearly. You know this - hang on to it.

I know that time seems to be very slow right now....each day is a year, each month is a century. Things may seem to get worse before they get better. As LA has said, you have your code. Stick to it. Work on what you can, leave the rest in God's hands. He's more than capable <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bird,

How fantastic is it that you know what you did? What your part was? That you didn't have a real code...you can make one now!

"Why would I ever want to put another of God's beautiful creations through this ringer?" You just broke God's heart with that belief. YOU are one of his beautiful creations, just as you are, and you are saying that your actions tortured someone...and you no longer are doing that. That doesn't hurt, that's celebration--until you decide for God...believing you will repeat your past in your future. You won't allow him to bring you what you need when you need it...your reverse ego is too large...tone it down.

You aren't the worst and neither am I. We aren't the best...we don't compare that way because God doesn't. And yes, going into your fantasy future is driving a lot of your pain...along with the past. Extract the lessons from the past and leave it where it belongs. It happened. It isn't happening again.

Your brain doesn't know the difference.

Meditation...retraining your brain to stay present is possible and I highly recommend it. Your anchor to reality is in the present.

Do not steal your wife's power, either. If you were the cause of all troubles, then your wife was powerless, is powerless. You had your part. She had hers. Know just your part and listen to understand hers. We ache to carry all the blame because it is the closest resemblance to feeling power...feeling responsible for more than we are. Your job is to get real with yourself, balanced, learn what you want in your code...which means making your standards (what you won't allow yourself to do to others or yourself) and boundaries (what you don't allow others to do to you). They balance. They will resonate with you. You'll write lists and ponder them...revise those lists and get to the beliefs behind them...they will condense and fall into what matters most to you...and then you will hold to them.

That's where you find your code...inside of you. And the changes aren't like swinging in the wind...they will be revisions on a theme. If there is something in your standard that you're allowing to happen in your boundaires, then you'll feel it.

Remember the triangle...goes to how you choose to act to others, to yourself and from others. That's all the control you have...choosing your actions, even choosing not to react but to act.

This is the great distraction I was mentioning to AH...when you're doing self-investigation, your focus is pulled off your wife and hangs between you, sometimes more on yourself. You have a solid heart...breathe more, stay present (you know this) and release yourself from your 101 expectations...they are cutting off your circulation.

You post great advice, Bird...a self-pep talk?

LA

OK OK MY TURN!!! LOL

Bird... The Code! Get it live it! Thanks LA!!
((((La)))) Just Cuz!!


Here is a letter I am wanting to send to the little lady...

I need help to edit out the DJ's and the LB's

Help me help me help me He said....

B,
If you feel it is best for S that we are not friends and that I am not an EQUAl part in his life and his parenting then you are mistaken. I am not saying that that is what you are thinking either... It is just coming across as that.
I have in NO way made it seem as if I would even think of taking Sam from you. If you have perceived it that way then there is a disconnect ...

My thoughts have been that you have been planning this move for a while now and when we had it out that day on the 3rd, it was before you were ready. That was only not even 2 weeks ago and I feel you think we should just fly into an agreement that neither one of us are comfortable with?

I may be completely wrong about your planning but "whether real or imagined" works both ways B.
Then you pull this tactic of making me think there may have been some sort of chance for us until I "blew it" this week. knowing full well that you have no intention to reconcile or attempt to. Your words not mine...

We have both been so stretched and stressed and frustrated.... It is only my intent to gaurantee that I have every right and privelege as you do with our son. I am not prepared to give up ANY of that. Maybe you feel the same way, I am sure you do. I would be disappointed if you felt any less than I do. However, I am not asking for anything more than 50% equal time and rights. Because that is what you and I both deserve. You tell me why I don't deserve 50% equal rights and time. Better yet tell me why you feel that you should have more than I do as far as parenting rights?

As for the moving and changing my mind part... I am prepared to put in writing on the papers that that won't happen. That should take away any fear you may have. It can be done that way and that excuse will no longer be a valid arguement.

I can not blame you for feeling that way about the word physical when you put it that way. However, like I said, it is a mute point if we put the stipulation that that can't happen. If I am willing to move to Alabama to be with my son and go back and forth between the 2 states, is it so hard for you to see that I am serious about being there for S? Is it so hard for you to see that I DO care about you as well and DONOT wish to continue in this way we are headed??

Do you see that I am trying to reach out to you to come to an agreement?? We continue still to fall into the tit for tat scenario... I for one am ready to stop that crap and get this done so that Sam can start getting settled.

I don't know what your reply may be and I am not going to try to guess. I am just going to tell you that I have every intention to protect my parental right and my relationship with my Son. It isn't about the money or the support or anything else. It is all about S seeing us both equal amounts of the time. in a situation that we both share the parenting.

You seem to suggest that I am somehow unfit to stay with S by myself. I got that from your statement that you werent going to be able to stay here next week and so S wasn't coming home.

I don't know if you remember but S is My son as well and there is NO need for you to be here, unless you just want to. I am fully capable of taking care of him and have for awhile now. You are interfering with my parental rights and it isnt in the best interest of Sam to be away from his father that way or long. I have never been away from him for 3weeks and don't intend to B. You moving to Alabama is not a reason to keep S from me. So why wouldn't I think you were trying to do that. Yes you asked me if I wanted to take Sam to my mothers and I told you no.

There is NO reason why you cannot bring him home! I have every right to have time with him and there is no right for you to deny me. It doesn't look good for that to happen either. His bed and all his toys are here... So is his Father. What is the problem and why is it so hard for you to leave him with me for 4 or 5 days next week? ?

There is no need to spend anymore money with these Lawyers! If you will talk to me and lets vent all the frustration and stop punching the other with threats of exposure or scandal we can be finished with this and start getting S settled.

All I want is equal time and right to parent our son as a team. I agree that he needs to be in his bed the majority of the time. I agree to that.. That is not changing. What will change is that I will not be treated as a secondary parent, B. No more than you will.

I will agree to the language being that I will not move back to Georgia and take S unless you are in agreement and are coming with. That takes away the reason for your not wanting Joint physical custody in there.... At least that is what YOU told me was the reason. As for the Child support if you will agree to physical being in there then I will agree to 400 and half of the health insurance and you can take me off of it. I will also pay the daycare even after the personal loans are paid off. You had earlier agreed that when those were payed you would split the daycare. In the event that he goes to private school we will split the tuition if it is more than the daycare amount. Fair?

you played the game of making me feel like there was some hope of us working on something.....
As much as I would like that to happen... I am not counting on that and you said it yourself... I blew it this week.

you played the Tabi card today....

I don't expect an answer... You say I should know you better... I don't recognize you anymore...

B,
I can only tell my truth and hear yours. I believe it is best for S that we work at having good communication and respect for each other; my being an equal part in his life and his parenting is crucial to his mental and emotional health. I believe divorce is a horrible way for a child to see what love is and it is very damaging. WHat I hear you say is that you believe differently

You are essential for S, too. I know how much he needs both of us and am not going to threaten or attempt to cut you out of his life, either. Yes, I feel terrible pain, betrayal from deceit, and fear of the future, even the wish to revenge you for tearing up our marriage--I won't act on those feelings. I cherish you and will mourn the death of our marriage and I will not dishonor myself or my family by acting against what is best for our son.

My thoughts have been that you have been planning this move for a while now and when we had it out that day on the 3rd, it was before you were ready. That was only not even 2 weeks ago. Do you think we should just fly into an agreement that neither one of us are comfortable with?

I do not believe I blew anything this week--I know there was nothing to blow because you stated you had no intention of reconciling. I have to state my truth here, B, because I am caught in a lot of accusations and lies and I have to sort them out.

I feel so stretched, stressed and frustrated. Do you feel that way? I fear you. I fear you taking S away from me, and that fear is for him and for me. I fear only getting 20% of the time and S believing I don't care. I fear being as misunderstood by my son as I am by my wife. I fear him not trusting, loving, and knowing me because of your choices, which I no longer trust. I will deal with my own fear. I know legally I have rights. I guess I believe you to be smarter than the law, though, and would figure away around them. I do fear you.

Funny, but I wrote this letter to you believing all that you say--back and forth--first one thing then another that contradicts the first. I know I will do everything I said I would to be with S. I don't have to prove it to you. You not believing me is your own issue, not mine. I have believed and loved you so much in our lives that I forget where I end and you begin. I know you have fears and trust issues as well. They are yours. I respect you.

I can not blame you for feeling that way about the word physical when you put it that way. However, like I said, it is a moot point if we put the stipulation that that can't happen. I will move to Alabama to be with my son and go back and forth between the 2 states. I hear you don't believe me, that you disrespect me by saying I'm not serious about being there for S. I believe disrespect is what tore our marriage apart...from both of us to each other and ourselves. I know my love and desire to save our marriage is geniune, as is my commitment to being a present father to our son. I have no control over your choices. I do over my own. I choose to love you and S. My choice.

I loved to get confirmation from you. You were great at that...pointing out when I did or said something well, seeing my intent behind my words. I am having a terrible time without that, feeling you have turned it around to tear me down and accuse. I am reaching out to you to come to an agreement. I no longer want to disrespect you or myself by coninuing my haibt of tit for tat... I for one am ready to stop that crap and get this done so that S can feel less frightened and begin to be settled, as best he can.

I don't know what your reply may be and I am not going to try to guess. I am just going to tell you that I have every intention to protect my parental right and my relationship with my S. It isn't about the money or the support or anything else. It is all about S seeing us both equal amounts of the time. in a situation that we both share the parenting.

I hear you saying I am somehow unfit to stay with S by myself when you said you werent going to be able to stay here next week and so S wasn't coming home. Is that correct?

I am fully capable of taking care of him and have for awhile now. I don't believe you're making S a priority, his interests, above your own agenda. I know that my distrust of you is deep now. I fear you won't do your part because you were unwilling to in order to recover our marriage. I know that's my deal, but not bringing S reinforces that belief, doesn't it? I have never been away from him for three weeks. You chose to move to Alabama and I am willing to move there, also. Until then, please do not use distance as a reason to keep S from me.
AH--
Yes you asked me if I wanted to take S to my mothers and I told you no.
HUH?

Please tell me your real reason why you cannot bring him home! His bed and all his toys are here... So am I. What is the problem and why is it so hard for you to leave him with me for 4 or 5 days next week? ?

AH--There is very good reason to spend every penny you can borrow from your family for the lawyers to ensure your parental rights...your DS.
There is no need to spend anymore money with these Lawyers! If you will talk to me and lets vent all the frustration and stop punching the other with threats of exposure or scandal we can be finished with this and start getting S settled.

B, I feel punched, stabbed and punished by your choices. Those are my feelings, my truth. I believe you have a lot of frustration and resentment and with each threat of exposure, we are showing our fear, terror, at what has been and what we feel now. I believe you feel the same. S comes first and I will make him my priority over my feelings.

I agree that he needs to be in his bed the majority of the time. I agree to that.. That is not changing. What will change is that I will not be treated as a secondary parent, B. No more than you will.

I will agree to the language being that I will not move back to Georgia and take S unless you are in agreement and are coming with. That takes away the reason for your not wanting Joint physical custody in there....That's what I heard you say. As for the Child support, if you will agree to physically being in there then I will agree to 400 and half of the health insurance and you can take me off of it. I will also pay the daycare even after the personal loans are paid off. This is my concession as you had earlier agreed that when those were payed you would split the daycare. In the event that he goes to private school we will split the tuition if it is more than the daycare amount. Would you consider this fair and reasonable?

I believe you are not sure of whether to really divorce or not. At first, I believed that was a game of making me feel like there was some hope of us working out, and then yanking it away. I apologize for this disrespect. You're as human as I am. This is the most pain I've ever felt in my life. Is it the same for you?

I hear you believe that I blew it this week. I don't believe that. We can each believe different things. I know in my heart that God is getting me somewhere. I remain open to reconciliation, growth and recovering our marriage and staying a complete, whole family, full of love and devotion, because I know how to do that now, and I know it.

you played the Tabi card today....

You say I should know you better...I hear this from the woman who I believe knows me the best. I don't know what I knew before anymore...I trusted, depended on and cherished you as my wife, and did not fear you deserting our marriage. I don't recognize you anymore...so judgmental, demanding, angry, resentful, and manipulative. I respect you more for knowing you are all of this, as am I; just don't trust who you are anymore.

AH


Oh, AH...this is a miserable job of it. I got so far into this I forgot who I was...had that, "this doesn't sound like him" going in my head. I very much want your marriage to survive. Too much, I guess, because I'm crying. You do communicate your pain in the same ways I did...though you are straining not to and I see that. Your weird humor isn't present, your sharp internal insight...well, that's all you. I was going for the power of I statements, and I remember how much they felt weak to me, instead of powerful. You can't hurt back with them. And you really want to hurt back.

Trust me, AH...she is hurting. Stop expecting that she isn't. What she has been saying to you is that of an emotionally injured 9-year-old, full of threats and tantrums. You do'nt want to hurt a 9-year-old girl back, do you? Stop taking her anger as justified. It's hers. It just is.

(((((((AH)))))))))

LA

I guess deep down I do want to hurt back....
Aw darn... Now I am crying reading your admitting to it...

I feel so destroyed by this and have to get ahold of it all or it is going to manifest itself in my livelyhood soon.

You are such a dear ANGEL to me!! (big alligator tears here)

I already sent the letter as I wrote it and I can only wait for her reply. I don't feel that I was out of line anywhere or am I mistaken.

The power of I statements are what I started and attempted to incorporate but just lost myself in the letter.

I sooo do love her without fail!! It goes without saying that I love my son...

BTW I had a better experience at the SA meeting this week.

I need to tell you what the Tabi card is....

If iI can... I may have to stop...

16 years ago I was married to a girl that I loved dearly. I was young and she was too. We got married in a fever, to quote CASH... And were married for a year when she gave birth our daughter, Tabi.

When we visited her family in Connecticut, I secretly interviewed for a job and got it. We came back to Georgia and I told her on the plane that we need to get packed up when we got home cause I had a job in Newark.

I was the hero! Well it was about 4 months there and she met me at the door of her moms with my bags packed and told me she wanted me out of her life. At that time I was a hot head(not abusive) and quit my job that day and moved across the LI sound to my sisters home. I beagan working for my BIL and made a good deal of money. Every weekend I would return to CT to see my daughter and the go back to work for the week. This went on for about 2 months.... I got hurt on the job and had to make a choice to move to Georgia. I have had to live with that choice every since.

Why? Because after I left and we got divorced, she got remarried and I lost them. Literally they disappeared. At that time there was no internet and I had no money to find them... I later had a friend there send me a newspaper that had a request for adoption petition in it. You guessed it...

I made the choice to let my D live an unincumbered life without extra conflict.. My choice was due to the fact that she was only 8 months old when I last saw her and that she has no idea who I am.

I have to live with that everyday!! I have battered myself for 16 years and have a bad time every CHristmas... That is her Bday the 23rd. Not a good day for me.

B has a very strong understanding of my pain in this....

She played the Tabi card...

(((((((((((((((LA))))))))))))))))))

Oh, AH...tough, tough, tough stuff.

Btw, I'm on the other end... my H adopted my first two sons.

I think I can tell you about Tabi's life.

I think you can slay the Tabi card in your future.

I think you can learn to take only your part in Tabi and lay down that allness you've been carrying.

If you want to...it feeds you. Maybe I'll trade...I'll tell you about her life if you will tell how holding this pain and your beliefs pay you?

LA

AH -

How are things going? I hope things are getting better, or at least staying stable.

AH - Ten days and no posts? Let us know how things are going if you get a chance.

LA - I think I finally figured out my "code". Hopefully AH will come back and I can compare notes with him.

OK Guys!!

I pray this is being read and understood by some people that need help...

I have been gone only because of the fact that my computer crashed and I just got a new one...

In the meantime I have moved to Alabama and have seen my Son EVERYDAY so far... He is watching CHicken Little right now and I wanted to just say Hi!

As for Me and my brain... I am still being pulled in a thousand directions. We have signed the agreement and are waiting to go to a seminar on family in transition.

Then we are Divorced.

I feel like I have not fought enough! I feel I have stepped up for my sons future by making the decision to move to Alabama every other week to be with him.

I feel like I am about o pass out. I feel like I am going to lose it constantly.

He has been ok so far but he is 4 YO and is very bright.

Today after I picked him up from school he told me he misse3d Milledgeville. I said you miss Milledgeville? He said " I miss Milledgeville and you and Mommy."

GULP!!

We haven't really talked to him about it all yet until he started talking about it himself...

Guess it is time.

As you may remember... Instead of fighting her to keep my son in Georgia I agreed to move to ALabama so I can have 50/50 time with him..

We went through a VERY nasty week before I finally told her that It was going to be nasty if we kept this up and that it was not good for S if that happened. He needed to get settled as soon as possible.

I agreed to let go of the physical word being included in the agreement and she agreed to basically spell out 50/50 time and ARBITRATION if we arent able to agree. That means she doesnt have total say... That is a good thing for a father. I also got reduced Child Support due to the travel I have to incur to have 50/50 time.

I have had some hellish days lately being here alone and then seeing Sam and him leaving to go with his MOM who is so gorgeous and I miss her sooo much!

Next week I will be back in Georgia so that i can work and I know it is going to kill me to be away from my boy!

He is already showing signs of missing us both even though we are hear...

Tabi Card...

LA, Help me heal from this... Am I a bad father for not beating everyone into submission in the beginning to tell me where they were??

I want so much to understand how she is. Did your kids know their father?? Tabi did not... At least not ME.

I wear this wound... WHen B played that card she opened it and it really hurt! I can only imagine what kind of pain it will cause T when she is aware of me and my not finding her before.

"If you want to...it feeds you." ???

"tell how holding this pain and your beliefs pay you?"
I am a person that does take if not at least wishes to take responsibility for my own actions. I am not much of a Blamer... Maybe that is why I tend to beat myself up alot aver things... However I don't like to dwell on things I still tend to punish myself over and over for things I did or didnt do. Then other people join in on the punishment and I have already done that.

I have for the most part accepted that I have done what I have done and that I don't have the power to change the past. I am not holding onto the pain and beliefs as much as I did. I know I need to hold true to what I know is right TODAY and NEVER let those situations present themselves again.

Please tell me how She is living.. I would love to know... Good and bad... Just know that I am not sure if knowing that she has had a most amazing life is going to be comforting..(just being honest) I wish that is the case but not always comforting to know that my Ex made the right choice...

Remember She basically disappeared and hid from me then had the adoption slipped in before I knew it and .. blah blah blah blah blah

I am back so keep me in line!!

I don't want this in anyway to be read as me trying to make excuses for my deeds.

I am the one responsible for my part and my part alone... There are always different factors and we are NEVER 100% of the problem... BUT we are 100% of OUR part... Make sense?

BIRD, Keep your code and do the right thing each and everytime... If you KNOW it was part of the problem in the past.. DOn't do it anymore and make it something you don't allow anyone to do to you either.

The Code is something that is keeping me sane with my new EX... I love her so much ya'll! I want her back so bad it really literally hurts.