AH -
It will pull the affair into broad daylight. Affairs, by their nature, thrive on secrecy. Exposure is a scary thing. We BS's fear a negative backlash from the WS. It's a natural fear, but it is not backed up by historical data.
The following is my opinion, based on what I've read in the forums. I cannot back it up very well with personal experience, because exposure ran a different course with me and MP, which I will elaborate on shortly.
From what I've read on this forum, in every recovered marriage where there was exposure, the FWS tends to be grateful that exposure happened. In the midst of their affair, the WS is simply incapable of thinking straight, even though they may believe they are.
An active WS will most likely be angry, bitter, and resentful. Yes, it can possibly drive them further into the arms of the OP. But you know what? The BS has, for all intents and purposes, already lost the WS. So really, what do you have to lose? A WS? Honestly that's not much to lose.
What do you stand to gain? The end of the affair. A chance to recover your marriage. The return of your S - the person you married.
Exposure is not guaranteed to end an affair. It's not guaranteed to recover the marriage. It does, however, give you a fighting chance, and it does enable you to rally people to help you in your fight.
Note that I didn't say that it will necessarily rally people to hold you up as some sort of Pauline figure. It will, however, show people that you are actively trying to save your marriage.
Exposure should be done in a loving way. Something like "I want you to know that my wife is having an affair with OM. I love my wife, and I am taking responsibility for my actions that lead to the current state of our M, and I would like your support in recovering our marriage." Not "That sleazy spouse of mine is having an affair with some lowlife and I want you to know so you can tell them how wrong and disgusting they are!"
See the difference?
Target people who can positively influence your wife, as well as people that can positively influence
you. The people in your support group (and your wife's) should be pro-marriage, not necessarily pro-AH or pro-AH's wife. Look up the recent threads on exposure to see some views (both pro and negative). As people here are fond of saying, "Your marriage can survive anger. It can't survive an affair."
In my situation, MP exposed to her mother and some friends herself. I exposed to some friends and our pastor. I also exposed to her dad, though I had no intention to. He knew we were having a tough time, and I was talking with him about an offer he had made to both of us some time back if we were ever in trouble, and he asked me point blank if there was unfaithfulness involved in our situation. I wasn't going to lie to my FIL, and he already suspected. In fact, he knew the answer as soon as he asked the question, simply because it took me a couple of seconds to respond. (Much the same way I knew the answer before MP ever acknowledged it, simply by the look on her face).
It did take me several weeks to screw up the courage to tell MP. She did not get angry (or at least not visibly angry). I could tell she was unhappy about him knowing. I did tell her that he already suspected, and that he loved her very much and was praying for us. No condemnation. Just love.
Finally, sorry for not keeping up on your thread. I recently changed my e-mail address, and my new post notifications aren't coming through anymore. I wasn't intentionally ignoring you.
Keep doing what you're doing, and stay strong. I'm 6 monts post D-Day now, and while we have a long way to go, I'm in a much better place than I was. It
does get better, regardless of the ultimate outcome. I know everyone says that, and in the early days it's hard to believe. But it's true.
I now return you to LA's wonderfully insightful and informative posts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
