I do appreciate your kind words. But, don't think of me as being special...

Unfortunately, we are all here together...

I certainly have made MANY MISTAKES..and will make MANY MORE...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Caren,

Am sooo sorry for your DD. I certainly hope that you have told her that sometimes parents make mistakes, that WS is having a hard time right now, that you really love her and that what WS said was wrong.

WS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> KNOWS he is wrong and I hope that your DD recieves a most humble apology for this VERY poor behavior via WS.

How is DD feeling? This must have been so very hard for an 11 year old to deal with.

You have changed your ways, permanently, and now it is time to protect your DD. She must not ever have to hear something like that again.

I don't post to you often, but I do keep up on your situation.

I think your WS needs to grow up. I don't know what his personal issues are and why this has not happened yet, but I believe WS is old enough to start figuring out why he is still 22 mentally. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Right now might be a good time.

If WS continues in this manner, then you need to set some boundaries, and quickly. I hope he knows that he can NEVER speak in this manner again to your DD. End of conversation.

Protect yourself and your children, do not let them be in the middle, or be mediators. Step back from this and do what is healthiest for you and children, marriage and family.

You have come a long way, you have tamed your tongue, for the most part,(LOL),and have done a wonderful Plan A in spite of it all.

You are WORTHY. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Caren,

What about your daughter. Lawyer or not, find out how your daughter is doing and make sure she has support. If I was her, I'd be scared to talk or see my dad for 2 reasons..... for myself and not to hurt his feelings.

U see how confusing that c/b to a young one?

L.

Dang orchid

Just what I was trying to say!!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I will talk to Brooklyn, she generally doesn't like to talk about any of this. She just wants it to go away!

Lauren (DD14) wasn't here for that particular display, but she told me a couple weeks ago that the situation between me and Mark makes her so mad, that she used to look up to me but now she doesn't because I just let him hurt me over and over again. (She isn't Mark's biological child, but we've been together since she was a baby, and she calls him Dad).

Lauren will talk to me......Brooklyn feels more conflicted than Lauren I think, because this is her biological father. She feels the need to protect both of us. She loves him so much, but he makes her so mad too.

I can't imagine what it feels like to have your whole world turned upside down like this. To have someone you look up to change this way. It's got to be scary as he//.

I'm scared to death this is going to mess my kids up. I've had Brooklyn in counseling (when I had insurance) and the counselor said she seemed to be handling it pretty well....that he wouldn't say she was depressed.

I appreciate all of your input very, very much and I will sit Brooklyn down and talk to her today. Maybe I'll have Lauren involved too.....Lauren has NO PROBLEM telling me exactly how she feels....maybe Brooklyn will take her lead.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren -

Take care of you and the girls. You come first - Get all of this under control!!

Take Care,

Kim

Hi Caren,

....we will not turn our back on you....unlike your WS!

....it's your war...your battles....I will be presumptious and speak for the Board.... no matter what, we will be there to offer support and advice...mistakes?!? As Mimi said... we all make them.... or we wouldn't be here......Can't dwell on them.... just try to learn from them and move on..... let this be one less worry for you.....

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
Have you ever read,"Codependent No More"? Perhaps it will help you understand better why you struggle so much if you are away from him. Focus on you for now. Work to be a stronger woman. It will help you whether you reconcile or not. Learn to soothe yourself when you are scared or sad: take a bath, meditate, journal, do yoga, watch a comedy, read, etc. You will need these skills in the days and months to come if your Plan B is going to successful this time around. You want your H and it will take some time for him to extricate himself from the OW and the WH/alien.

Plan B is partly about removing yourself from the chaos. That has not happened yet.... Make boundaries for you and your DD. Do whatever necessary to protect yourself and your kids from the WH. Cut him off. DARK.
----------------------------------------------------------

I think Serene is giving you some good suggestions.... PLAN B is your time to grow and learn how to be 'by yourself' as if your WS will never 'wake up'..... it needs to be a time where you ask yourself: what would I do with my life if things were not to work out with WS?.... I know....easier said than done..... I think going to the gym is a first step for you.... keep making similar steps after that.... don't have to rush.... that's what's good about PLAN B... you can take ALL your time.... because a WS also needs a lot of time to PROCESS the changes he would need to consider making to seriously give your M another shot... can't keep making promises he can't keep..... so...don't take what he says seriously UNTIL what he DOES convinces you otherwise....

....in the meantime... it's healthier for you to keep WS as away from you as possible.....because I think contact with a WS is destructive no matter how you look at it.....

Take care, Caren. Keep track of your PLAN B on your calendar if it helps to keep you 'on track' ....as you will surprise yourself!

OT...ok my computer is acting really weird...all the sudden when I click on anything it opens a new window. AND I just lost the post I wrote!! It was brilliant! So I'll recap the highlights!



DS13 said something similar to me and it really made me see that I was setting the standard for their future relationships. Its strange that I would accept less than what I would want for my children. I also worry about lack of respect and acting out behaviors. Kids have a way of forcing you to be the grown up...and make the tough decisions. If I feel my strength start to waver... I think would this be acceptable for my DD or DS? Usually the answer is a resounding...NO!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry about us giving up on you...we are all in this together.

edited to add: BTW congratulations on day 8!

Caren,

I put a separate thread on how important it is to protect our children.....if you want, please read it.

proect our children....how and why

I know you love your children and are a good mom. This A stuff can often clog our common sense. That's why posting here helps, but please for the sake of the children, don't let them go near the WS unless they can feel safe.

take care,
L.

"Daddy said since your going to the gym he's going to go out and find him another piece of @$$"

Caren, if not this, at what point will he have torn up his daddy card?

"I'm scared to death this is going to mess my kids up."

All that will happen is that your kids will model your behavior when they become adults.
Oh, it's ok to date/marry/cling to this abusive but cute guy - mom did!

"Daddy said since your going to the gym he's going to go out and find him another piece of @$$"

That crossed the line. He would only ever see my kid again in front of clergy, law enforcement or social worker. Preferably never.

You deserve much better than this, and I believe you will find it. You sure work hard enough!

I know....I know.......that was the creepiest thing he's done thus far, and it needs to be addressed.

Times like these it's much easier to separate the husband I had from the alien I'm left with.

Sometimes I just want to shake that man loose from his eye teeth.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi Caren,

Just checking in. How is it going?

Caren:

What's going on with you?

Hi all....sorry, the man that I care for is still in the hospital and getting worse, so I haven't really been *up* to posting.

Also I spoke with Brooklyn's teachers yesterday and she is missing 13 IN CLASS assignments. The teacher said she is no longer getting up from her seat, but that she seems to be daydreaming all of the time.

I spoke to Brooklyn regarding this last night. After a WHOLE LOT of tears she told me that she thinks about the past when we were a family....when we were happy, a lot. She also said that she thinks about me and her father getting back together constantly.

I cried so hard when she told me that. I didn't place any blame, or try to make it seem like it's not my fault too...because the long and short of it is that is IS also my fault.

I am the one that moved her out of the house.

I talked to Mark last night, as it is regarding Brooklyn, and he is coming over this evening so that we can ALL talk about this.

Brooklyn is scared to death to talk to him about this and has apparently been lying to him and telling him that she is doing fine in school and not missing any assignments. She was very apprehensive about talking to him about this tonight. I told her if she couldn't tell her Dad how she felt to his face, that she could put it in a letter, but there was most definitely going to be a talk.

I asked her why she didn't want to talk to him, and she said she didn't want to cry. Then she went and picked up the Magic 8 ball and asked it something and then said "Oh good.....it says I'm not going to cry".

I didn't sleep a wink last night with all of this weighing on my mind.

I can't fricken take this anymore.

Lauren probably has mono...after a $95 dollar doctor's appointment for strep throat twice in 3 weeks.

Brooklyn is failing, Lauren is failing.

I've been praying that God would show me the path I should go on, and also praying that God would enter Mark's heart and show him that he needs to be with his family.

Maybe this is what he is showing me.

God Bless,

-Caren

My opinion, Caren...

I would definitely NOT have that meeting tonight.

I predict that it WILL NOT BE PRODUCTIVE and WILL BE FURTHER ANXIETY-PROVOKING for Brooklyn...

This is the father that spoke to her so unacceptably less than a week ago. It would be a MIRACLE, IMO, to expect him to act NORMALLY tonight.

It would seem better for you all to talk in the presence of a neutral party such as a therapist.

OR better yet...arrange an appointment for Brooklyn to see a therapist and ask that person what would be recommmended...

I can predict what will happen tonight...

You are breaking PLAN B, too...

That's putting Brooklyn in the middle again and sends the message..if I don't do well, then I can get my parents to meet together again...

She is old enough to understand this and to know what she is doing...not in a manipulative way..but in a desperate, hurting way...

I think what she needs right now is a CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST...



She is scared..but there is most definitely going to BE A TALK..

What is A TALK going to REALLY accomplish here?

Are you expecting this to bring Mark home?

Why would you want him NOW?

You need further time in PLAN B..IMO

Oh Caren, you need a big ((((((((((C)))))))))))

I agree with mimi, seek out a good Family Therapist to hash it all out, especially with the actions of your H the last few weeks.

I don't know what's going to happen...I do, however, feel like I went a few rounds with Mike Tyson.

I can't do this parenting thing by myself.....this is NOT what I signed up for.

It breaks my heart that Brooklyn said she thinks about this all the time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I didn't think my heart could break any worse than it already was................I was mistaken.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

I understand totally what you are going thru. My DD will not talk to me about any of this and I know she is doing ok in school, according to her grades. But we saw a show last night on tv and we didnt really talk about it. But it was about a kid that was "invisible" to the more popular people. This morning I happened across her diary. She wrote how awful she felt, that she felt just like that guy. That she is always pushed to the background. Said she wished she could see a councilor but they cost too much. That she knows her dad has depression and maybe she gets it from him.
All of that combined with my DS, broke my heart. How much more do we have to endure from the selfishness of our WH's? They dont get to be home and see the devistation they are creating in our children. They think they will just get over it and they wont. But they choose not to see.

My heart goes out to you, Caren. And I am not even one to offer advice or opinion, but I would allow your WH to see the damage this is causing his kids. But that is JMHO.

I will pray for you today Caren. I wish I had better words of comfort but I dont. Just know people care about you.

God's blessings
Cathy

Mimi is correct Caren. Dont break Plan B. Dont let your daughter get thrown in the middle of this again. Then all of you will just have to start all over again.

You cant see it yet, but you have moved further along. Dont start everything over again. Sure, some bad things are happening. satan wants you to give up and go back...because then there will never be an end to the turmoil.

In His arms.

Caren:

Bear with me..I'm about to be a bit tough with you....

I have strong opinions about this for many reasons. One of the main reasons is that I LIVED YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE..played the THERAPIST for my PARENTS..working to try to get them to stop the DRAMA in their lives THROUGHOUT MY CHILDHOOD AND UP UNTIL MY FATHER'S DEATH....many years of heartache and psychotherapy later, I wish someone had spoken like this to my mother and she had listened...

Brooklyn deserves a parent who cares about HER and HER BEST WISHES WITHOUT ANY AGENDA ASSOCIATED WITH MARITAL TURMOIL..

Face it, Caren... YOU ARE HER ONLY PARENT NOW..THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.. Anyone that would talk the way your WH did to his child, is not capable of functioning as a REAL PARENT, he is a parent ONLY IN NAME RIGHT NOW...

Meeting with him tonight is not going to make him into a parent...This will be a big blow to your daughter to LEARN that her pleas to him will go nowhere...

My father was an alcoholic. This is the same. She will beg him to stop using the drug..to show that he cares for her by doing so and HE WILL FAIL HER....

NOTHING THAT YOU CAN SAY TO HIM TONIGHT WILL WORK..YOU CANNOT TALK HIM OUT OF THIS...

IMO, the most loving thing that you can do for your daughter is to get her to a therapist and to remain in PLAN B if you want to recover your marriage..

I hear you making this about you and how YOU ARE FEELING and how YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A SINGLE PARENT....

YOU ARE A SINGLE PARENT WITH A DRUGGING H..so to speak..He is USING HIS DAUGHTER TO GET BACK TO YOU..SHE REMAINS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE and this really disgusts me....

Go back to your PLAN, Caren...Try to STOP BEING RULED BY YOUR FEELINGS....