I posted yesterday about events over the last few days.

I feel so lost right now. I realize that everyone here has a very defensive posture about my situ. I realize that everyone thinks my WW is lying to me - and the red flags abound.

My MC thinks I'm now "out there" due to the letter that I delivered to OM's house. My W does to and the MC of course fed this back to her in droves.

I know it sounds stupid - but the MC was so "on me" about this - I was almost hoping that my W would say something in my defense. Not rational - just I was really getting beat up. And I had gotten beat up the day earlier by W.

My letter was I felt a defense of "US". There isn't a lot of "US" right now - but I felt that it needed to be done. Yes my W violated our M - but he did too. And I know enough about her and WS's in general to know that not every picture she painted for OM about me was accurate. I guess I wanted my voice heard. End of topic.

Now - she is really withdrawn. So am I. I feel as though all options are either "pull back immediately" or "fight back aggressively"........niether seems appropriate.

I can't eat. I can't sleep well. I'm already on AD's. I don't want to take SP's. I can't get her to post here or participate much in discussions. She only wants to process alone. MB, MC, her & I talking is to her nothing but redundant babble. Since she has been unhappy for years - & I'm probably still in shock.......my need for talk is probably over the top. But at some point I had hoped for some understanding on this. Her understanding of my needs at this stage is very small. And when I discuss those needs - I get in return her memories of the past when I didn't meet her needs.

This is agonizing. My ability to love and reach out to her is getting beat up tremendously.

Sorry - very few to talk to on this subject.........I needed to cry out again I guess.

I have a question for everyone.

The letter I sent to OM. I've tried to explain why I did it. Is this wrong?

And specifically - does the desire to say something to the OP differ between men & women? MY W said "someone played with your toy and your mad"........which I thought was kinda brutal. I.E., she said I looked at her as her possesion. I said no - your my wife. He messed with my wife - there's a difference.

But the whole thing about confrontation of the OP - it seems as there is somewhat of a different opinion between men and women on this one.

As in - women say "Yea I'd want to" - with the reality that they're less likely to. And men - "yeah I understand you man" - and more likely to do so.

Again - tho the desire to beat the pulp out of the OP is usually common - I'm not advocating that.

I'm talking about a non violent confrontation and statement of where our M is at - and to please stay away.

Is the actual doing this wrong? Cuz wanting to and even writing a letter is acknowledged by W and MC as normal.......but the delivering of it by them is seen as "way over the top".

Whereas I felt it was a consummation of what most would do. But currently @ home - I'm being treated like a square peg in a round world.

Any comments on this?

Mike...was it wrong??

That really depends on how we look at it. You have listed some pretty good reasons above. But NC is for you too. Do not let OM rule your life. Do not dwell on him.

Pay attention to red flags. We all have the benfit of hind sight and there is not a person on this board that doesn;t wish they really "pushed" any issue with their WS...

It's early and time for me to hit gym...we'll check in later..

OM doesn't rule me. I don't obsess on him. I wanted one communication - one time to speak. That was it. I don't think about him too much - certainly nowhere near obsessing. My thoughts on him are rare - to say never would be an obvious lie.

You have to understand that until a couple of weeks ago - I didn't even know what he looked like. I knew little. So curiousity probably was there.

But I have no need now to confront or think or obsess. I wanted one chance to speak. I did it - now I'm done w/ that.

The fact that I did it PERIOD - has others here thinking I'm over the top. If I continued contact or was truly obsessing - I would understand concern. It ain't that way.

I guess that I did it at all is my question - for I seem to be alone in this regard. What's interesting to me is that if you were to ask anyone not having been involved in an A - "would you do this?" - I think 90% would say yes.

What I find confusing is that now that I'm actually involved with an A w/ my W - I'm a bad guy for doing it.

Which just seems odd to me. I'm not reluctant to get opposition - I just am confused over the uproar.

No one thinks you're "over the top." What was said that caused you to conclude this? Contacting the OP is a normal urge just about all male BSs have. Same is true with the female BSs. I think your MC is making a bit too much about this.

So Mike - enough about the letter. It's over, done with, forget it.


Nor should you try. WSs cannot be educated until they're ready.

I have a lot of curiosity about your MC. Please consider printing out all your posts and our replies and sending them to your MC for her reaction.

Mike-

I agree that you are beating yourself up. I don't think it was so wrong to write to the OP, and I don't like the sound of your MC at all.

I contacted the OP in my sitch, and I'm not one bit sorry I did it. I layed it out for her, and I don't feel badly about it, nor should you.

WAT's right, move on to the next crisis.

God Bless,

-Caren

Mike - I'll even go a bit further than Caren and I apologize for bringing up the letter again after I suggested you forget it. Forget after this post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

When we communicated that sending the letter was not a good move, we were saying it was not a good move in the realm of the MB strategies for fighting the affair. So, it wasn't "wrong" to take a stand for yourself. This is good. You were fighting for your self esteem. OK?

So, I suggest you actually continue this logic, but in a slightly different way > Stand tall, be resolute, think highly of yourself, and STAY SQUARELY ATOP THE MORAL HIGH GROUND!

Repeat after me> "I'm proud of what I'm trying to accomplish and I'M ON THE MORAL HIGH GROUND!"

Got it?

OK, NOW forget about the letter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WAT

I've been misunderstood - I meant here as "here at home" - not on MB.

You may not agree 100% - but you understand. "Here at home" - I have been told I'm over the top.

I agree that MC is doubtful - my W does not agree - she thinks she's doing "OK".

S0 - who knows. It is possible due to MC actions (not only the recent session) that she has been more forceful w/ me and gentler w/ W due to the perception that I was here stedfast - and W was considered "a runner".

This is the only reason that I can see the assortment of many MC actions, statements, etc.. If it is not that - then it is possible that she doesn't "get it". And I do realize that many don't.

What is the best resource here for finding an new MC if that decision is made in the future?

Typical coming from a WS still trying to shift blame and dumb down her own "over the top."

Typical of a WS still very much in denial. BUT - they do not "get it" overnight.

Patience, time, consistency.

WAT

"What is the best resource here for finding an new MC if that decision is made in the future?"

Don't pussyfoot around. Call the Harleys and set up an appointment.

-ol' 2long