I have just read surviving an affair and in it Dr. Harley suggests that given time alone together all affairs will eventually destroy themselves.

I find this very hard to believe. My WS has been having an affair for 4 months now and he wishes to get a divorce so he can marry MOW.

The whole family have gone into Plan b with him. He is living 150 miles away in OW's house with her and her children and has minimal contact with any family or friends including his mother and father.

Although he has only been gone 3 months I'm getting to the point where i think these two may live happily together forever. How do you know which of these relationships last long term, is there a magic formula?

That is because most affairs are built on fantasties and not reality. And when reality intrudes, they quickly crumble. There is no way to know which ones will survive, but it is very unlikely that a relationship built on deciet and fraud will crumble. They will never be able to trust or respect each other. Your H will have unrealistic expectations of the relationship because of the enormous sacrifices he has made to be with her. She won't be able to ever meet his high expectations and when it starts going south, they will start to lovebust each other.

Many WS claim they want to get a divorce, but most don't ever get that far.

Are you using the Marriage Builders program?

I did try Plan A initially but WS was determined to go and live with OW as he felt they were soulmates. He became angry in telephone conversations, I suppose to justify what he had done and that is why I chose to go to plan b so quickly.

Last conversation was 2 weeks ago and he was much more civil and it was after this my plan b letter was sent, no contact with anyone since then. Is there anything else i should be doing, the waiting for something to happen is the worst thing.

Well, Plan A should be utilized regardless of where he lives. And it should be done as long as it takes to build up a good rapport with the WS so that he has something TO miss when you do go into Plan B. Otherwise, Plan B is just a relief to the WS because they are glad to be rid of you.

How long were you in Plan A? Did you do an effective Plan A?

Have you exposed this affair to his workplace, her workplace, her family, his family? Your grown kids?

Everyone now knows about the affair. They informed the company they work for and OW has been moved to another department.

All family and friends have been very supportive towards me and no one agrees with his actions.

Only did plan A for a few weeks as WS was so angry and I was sick of hearing about what special love they had for one another. I had to stop taking the calls as I knew he would drain my love for him quickly. I never retaliated when he called and there were very few lovebusters on my part.

The company probably only knows the spin that the affairees told them, if anything. This may also be a lie you were told so you wouldn't expose at the company. I would suggest writing a letter to his boss, her boss and HR, the CEO, informing them of hte affair and the damage it has done to your family. Then ask them what "do you intend on doing about it?"

If there are any other exposure targets that you haven't talked to personally, then I would suggest calling them to ensure they get the proper story.

What about her parents? Can you contact them and inform them she is shacking up with your H?

The OWH could also be a great ally to you, so I hope you are in touch with him. Unfortunately, he is enabling the affair by allowing your H to move into his home.




I hate to say it, but Plan B is not effective unless a good, solid Plan A has been executed. See, your H was detached enough from you to get into this affair in the first place. So, if you go into Plan B while he is detached, he is just relieved to be rid of you. On the other hand, if you use Plan A to attract him back and give him a picture of what your marriage could be in the future, it gives him something TO miss. So even though he is enamored of the OW, your Plan A efforts cause great confusion. And when his affair begins to crumble, you look like an attractive option.

Have you thought about counseling with Steve Harley? He is a genius at assessing situations and developing the best strategy to save a marriage. He won't waste a minute of your time and would be worth every cent.

I live in the UK so contacting the Harleys is not possible.

OWH is away working overseas but is aware of the affair and although he has refused to divorce his wife he does seem to be enabling the affair as last time he was home he looked after the children so she could meet up with my WS. He is aware that WS is now living in his house.

The only other family OW has is a mother who suffers from dementia and a brother who also does not approve of the relationship.

I would love to do plan a but really do not know how now that he is living so far away and is so caught up with OW he seems not bothered about the family he has left behind.

When he first left he did have contact with the children by text message but the kids felt that these were not enough to sustain their relationship with him, they wanted face to face contact but he did not do this. The kids have now also stopped all contact with their father. I do hope the OW is worth everything he has gioven up.

miffy, you can easily do Plan A when you don't live together. You don't have to live together to do it. In fact, if you are hardly ever in contact anyway, the contacts you do have need to be as pleasant as possible in order to attract him back.

Melody, thats what i tried to do last time he was on the phone- plan A big time and I think it paid off, we ended the call wishing one another well and him sending love to all the family.

I now hope that he will start to miss all of us and realise that OW cannot replace the wonderful family he has.

Well, that is good, but Plan A is a longer term process, not a one time phone call or short term thing. It takes longer than a couple of weeks to convince the WS that he has something to come back TO and alleviate the detachment somewhat. This is why it is so critical to do the best Plan A you can before you go into Plan B. If it is not done, the WS is just relieved to be rid of the BS.

The phonecalls are just so infrequent its so difficult to implement plan a.

I do not initiate contact with him because I dont want him to see me as needy or desperate. He just seems to be having so much fun with this younger, more intelligent more outgoing woman I do, sometimes, wonder what I and the family have to offer.

Miffy, do you realize that he had to have been very detached in the first place in order to begin an affair? It is because of this detachment that he is not likely to miss you.

That is what Plan A is designed to rectify. A good solid Plan A establishes firmly in the WS' mind what he could have if he were back home and give him something TO MISS. But that cannot be achieved in one phone call or a few weeks of pleasant relations. That is just unrealistic.

Its not difficult at all. We do it every day here. Plan B means avoiding lovebusters, doing your best to meet his needs, and exposing the affair. IT means you begin a program of attraction. None of that is contingent upon contact quantity, but rather on contact quality.

Did you post your Plan B letter and get feedback from the others? What did you say in it? Did you use the MB outline?

Dont really think he was detatched you know. He had recently suffered a heart attack (3 months before the affair started) after which the whole family rallied round to support him, we had never been closer.

I think the problem was that he did not want to admit his failings. He threw himself into work-said he had re-evaluated his life and needed more, the OW presented this opportunity.

I used the MB outline for my Plan b letter- acknowledged my part in the problems in the marriage, how I was willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage stronger but obviously could not do this until OW is out of the picture and that he needed a commitment to work on our relationship also.