I am newlywed and I am having problems with my inlaws. How can I handle inlaws?

Italia07, while we all appreciate the difficulties in dealing with in-laws, I think we are going to need a bit more information if you'd like our suggestions.

with alot more compassion and love than you will ever receive...
Be patient
Be kind- Kill them with kindness
Give them space with their child and your children- consider it a break and go shopping or read or take a bath!
Hopefully they will come around and so will you and your new spouse.

The most important thing to remember is that YOU don't have a problem with anyone. Your spouse has a problem with his/her parents. If there is anything that needs to be resolved, your spouse is the one that should handle it and handle it quickly. This will set the "tone" of your married life. If the spouse won't "handle it" quickly and correctly, then you have bigger problems than "in-laws".
I would suggest immediate counseling for you and your spouse to prevent future problems.

I agree. I had issues with my H's family for 20 years and we argued over and over about it. He would not set boundaries in any area and eventually I had enough and told him I was done. We don't see his family now and though this may not be a good situation it has it's positives and this is no longer an issue. It took me 20 years to realise I was the one always trying to negotiate without any help from H.

He is seen as the 'nice' one in his family and wasn't prepared to make any waves to spoil his reputation.

The last straw for me was when his sister and family came visiting unexpectedly one day when I was in the middle of an emotional meltdown and she sat and hounded me for hours to get to find out what was going on. I politely told her at least 4 times I didn't wish to talk about it. By the time she and family left, I was an emotional basket case and extremely angry to boot and when H got home expected he would be just as angry as I. He wasn't!

She then rang our home next morning at some ungodly hour, knowing she would get H and not me and had more chance of finding out her information. He proceeded to chat with her as if nothing had happened. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> In the ensuing argument he said "this is YOUR problem" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I have now handed 'MY' problem to him, what I should have done in the first place, and feel a lot less stress.

Sadly, sometimes no contact is the only way to protect your family. The ONE thing that will stop it from coming to that is for the son/daughter of the offending parents to get a backbone and set boundaries.

Husband and wives must realize that in-laws (or out-laws) are not part of your "nucleus family" (husband, wife, children). In laws are there by invitation and invitation only. And that invitation stays in place only when the in-laws respect your nucleus family and the boundaries that must be set to insure the health of your spouse and children.

It gets particularly hard when your husband is one of 2 children - both sons - and is the son that has been "used" all his life. (ie - not the favorite) That is all he knows as normal. And then when the wife comes along and says "hey, that kind of "love" is toxic"...she is seen as the villian.

Add grandchildren into the mix and a pattern of "favoritism" being repeated among the 2 sets of grandchildren and it really gets into a mess.

But the bottom line is that nothing will be resolved until the husband understands that he has been settling for a toxic relationship with his mother (dad just does whatever she tells him to) all these years. And unless you can get the husband to seriously examine the problem and break the cycle, no contact is the only answer. I'm no expert. This is just what saved my sanity.

I agree, your spouse needs to solve it. About 3 years ago, we moved next door to my parents. I put down some HARD rules for my parents before we moved in. It has actually worked out great to this point. My wife likes my parents i think more than i do.

Ofcourse she says she worries about them "coming in" which distracts her from lovemaking....but my parent's don't ever just come in. We are dealing with issues of that if you look at my post on her feeling "numb"